


Death and Other Inconveniences

by asteriae



Series: Nah, she didn't [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Basically they're just teenagers, Canon-Typical Violence, Explicit Language, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hogwarts Era, Humor, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Marauders' Era, Minor Character Death, Multi, Underage Drinking, and magic, with teenage problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2018-07-11 09:32:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 95,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7042630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asteriae/pseuds/asteriae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When James Potter disappeared for ten days in the middle of the spring term of their fifth year, the whole school noticed. </p><p>He buried his parents in a quiet ceremony and returned to school amid outrageous rumors. </p><p>When Lily Evans disappeared for three days before the Christmas holidays in sixth year, two people noticed. </p><p>She found the house packed, a nasty note from her sister, and spent the rest of the holidays sleeping rough. </p><p>Both are left grieving and angry at Hogwarts over the summer, with no where else to go and war raging around them. </p><p>Really, how else could it have gone?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

When James Potter disappeared for ten days in the middle of the spring term of their fifth year, the whole school noticed. 

Whispers flew around classrooms and gossip was rife in the great hall at breakfast; 

‘I heard he was expelled for pushing that third year boy into the lake’ 

‘Nah, I heard he ran off with a Veela girl he met over the Christmas holidays’

‘Mark from Hufflepuff told me his Dad is in St Mungos’ 

For all the gossip and speculation, only three students knew the full truth. The three remaining Marauders sat pale and worried in the Great Hall, picking at their dry toast and lukewarm eggs.

‘Can’t we just-?’

‘No, Sirius’ 

‘But-’

‘Family only they said. And there’s no way McGonagall will let us off lessons’ 

They lapsed back into silence, trying to ignore the rumours that were slowly getting closer to the truth. 

‘I heard you-know-who has wiped the whole lot of the Potters out’ 

‘Nah, I reckon old Mrs Potter finally did her husband in’ 

‘Not much of a loss really is it?’ sneered a blonde Ravenclaw boy, not bothering to check who was in earshot, ‘I mean, Potter is an arrogant tosser, his family is probably all the same’. 

With a snarl, Sirius launched himself at the boy, breaking his nose and earning himself a week’s detention. 

***

James gripped the seat tighter, his knuckles white, itching to hit something, throw something, do something. But instead he slouched further into the cool oak of the waiting room chair, biting his tongue and trying to stop the tears that threatened to fall. 

They were gone. 

He’d always known he’d be young when they died. They were elderly, he’d known that. But this, this was sudden. This wasn’t the hero's death his mother deserved, this wasn’t the peaceful passing, surrounded by grandchildren that his father had wanted.

‘James?’ 

He glanced up at the kindly faced Healer who’d been looking after his parents throughout their brief illness, and resisted the urge to snap at her to leave. 

‘Yeah?’ his voice was gruff from non use, clogged with tears he was still too proud to shed in public. 

‘Your parents had each other listed as their next of kin, so I didn’t know- if there is- is there anyone you want us to owl?’ he didn’t like how she was looking at him. It looked a lot like pity. 

‘No’ He said shortly, standing at last, ‘there isn’t anyone else’.

Without a backward glance he strode from the room.

***

The tapping noise drew Sirius slowly back to consciousness. He didn’t remember falling asleep, but evidently he had; fully clothed and still holding his Herbology textbook. 

He blinked slowly as he sat up, surveying the dormitory. Peter was obscured by his curtains, but his snores could still be heard. Remus was asleep sitting up, a book on his chest and his mouth hanging open. James’ bed stood empty, the covers neatly tucked in and straight for possibly the first time in five years. 

The tapping noise came again and Sirius quickly slid out of bed and to the window. A handsome tawny owl sat on the windowsill, and Sirius felt his heart fall through to his stomach. He took the scroll attached to the owl’s leg and unrolled it with determinedly steady hands. 

_Moony, Wormtail & Padfoot,_  
They’re gone. Need to make arrangements for the funeral. McGonagall will let you come I’m sure. There won’t be many people there otherwise.  
Prongs. 

Sirius had the distinct impression that there wasn’t enough air in the room. He sat heavily on James’ abandoned bed, still gripping the letter. 

He should wake the others, he thought, staring down at James’ untidy scrawl. But he couldn’t face it. Mr and Mrs Potter had been better parents to him than his own could have ever been; they took him in over Christmas when he had finally run away from Grimmauld Place, they sent him care packages, letters, and had never, not once, forgotten his birthday. 

And now they were gone. 

Fleamont and Euphemia Potter were dead, and there was hardly anyone left to mourn them, just four teenagers and a handful of old acquaintances. The injustice of their death slammed into him with the force of a fist; how unfair it was that those kind people could die so suddenly, so silently, while scum like his parents were still walking, talking and breathing. 

‘Remus’ he croaked, not looking up from the letter. ‘REMUS’. 

The taller boy jerked awake, his eyes wide and fearful until he realised there was no danger. Silently, Sirius held out the letter, not daring to let his eyes meet Remus’. 

‘I’m sorry Padfoot’ Remus’ voice was steady, measured, like it always was, ‘we will go and see McGonagall first thing in the morning, then we can get the knight bus to Godric’s Hollow’. 

Sirius nodded his agreement, before returning to his own bed and pulling the hangings around him. 

By the time the rest of the school awoke the next day, all four marauders were missing from Hogwarts. 

***

‘Where do you reckon they are?’ 

‘Hm?’ 

‘I mean I know all the rumours that have been going around have been absolutely awful but something serious must have happened for them all to be missing at once’

‘Yeah?’ 

‘Yes and I know it sounds petty but Peter was supposed to be taking me to Hogsmeade this weekend and I’ve owled him but he hasn’t even _replied_. I mean, I am his _girlfriend_ , everyone keeps expecting me to know where they are but he hasn’t told me anything’

‘Yeah that’s rough’ 

‘And I know he doesn’t have to tell me if- Lily are you even listening to me?’ 

‘I’m sure they’ll be back soon’ Lily continued to scribble distractedly, not noticing the glare she was receiving from the dark haired girl sat at the end of her bed. 

‘Lilyyyy’ Cynthia whined, tugging on the roll of parchment that was starting to trail off the side of the desk, ‘you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said!’ 

‘I’m sorry but this is essay is due this afternoon and I haven’t finished’ 

‘Why didn’t you do it last night? Where were you anyway? And don’t say prefect rounds, I know for a fact it was Sarah Falkenberg’s turn last night because I heard her complaining about it at dinner’ 

‘I’m taking extra classes with Slughorn’ Lily lied, scratching out half a sentence and scowling.

‘But you’re already top of the class’ Cynthia said, her eyebrows raised, ‘you’re guaranteed an O in the O.W.L’. 

Lily finally looked up from her essay to study her roommate. Cynthia McKinnon was sitting on the end of Lily’s bed like it was a throne, curling her eyelashes with her wand as her tie knotted itself flawlessly. She was a good head shorter than Lily, and considerably curvier, with pleasant round cheeks, dark eyes and darker hair that she left natural, framing her face. 

‘Look why don’t you go and talk to Mary about this?’ Lily suggested, tugging her essay back towards her, ‘you know she’s better at the girl talk. Come find me if you need the best way to jinx someone’. 

Cynthia pouted. 

‘I would, but she’s off snogging Dearborne from Ravenclaw and I would usually have breakfast with Peter but he’s not here’. 

‘Really? The seventh year?’ Lily wrinkled her nose

‘Focus Lily’ 

‘Right, sorry’ she rolled up her Herbology essay, resigned to the fact it would probably only scrape a passing grade, ‘Look, I don’t know where the “marauders” are and I don’t really care. They must have gotten permission to leave though so why don’t you try asking one of the teachers?’ 

‘You don’t think that seems too clingy?’ Cynthia pressed, pouting into a pocket mirror now while she applied lipstick, ‘I don’t want it to seem like I’m stalking him, I’m just worried because we haven’t gone this long without talking since-’

‘Since you got together, I know’ Lily barely contained the urge to roll her eyes. The gossip that had surrounded Cynthia and Peter’s relationship had quickly fizzled out; he might have been the first marauder to get a girlfriend, but they were horribly dull. 

‘I’ll stay behind after Transfiguration and ask McGonagall’ Cynthia decided, shrugging into her robes and stuffing her textbooks in her bag, ‘I’m sure she can at least tell me they’re all ok’ 

‘I’m sure they’re fine you know. It’s just Hogwarts rumour mill working overtime’ Lily assured her roommate, ‘No one has been caught snogging in broom cupboards or broken curfew in a while.. The people get bored’ 

‘It’s only a matter of time before people get wind of Mary and Dearborne, that should shake things up nicely’ 

A screeching noise from the corner of the room made both girls jump, before realising it was just Dorcas’ alarm. After thirty seconds of the incessant noise, Cynthia strode over to the curtains surrounding their roommates bed. 

‘Dorcas if you don’t get up right now you’re going to miss breakfast’ she said, tugging the curtains open and revealing the lanky brunette somehow still asleep and lying entirely on her face. 

Lily ignored the two of them, used to their morning routine after five years of living with them. She waved goodbye and headed down for her solitary breakfast as usual. 

For the first few years at Hogwarts she had met Severus for breakfast every morning, the tables were more mixed in the mornings, people getting help with homework from friends in other houses and working on group projects they hadn’t finished before lessons started. But since Christmas break Severus had not once met her for breakfast. At first, she’d been convinced he was dating someone in secret, and that he would tell her when he was ready. 

But then Mary had been attacked by Mulciber and Lily had been on rounds that night. She had found Mary shaking and bleeding, her clothes slashed open in places meant to humiliate her. Lily knew this was one of Severus’ spells. She knew the ones he scribbled in his potions book and she knew that some of them he invented without ever intending them to be used. Sectumsempra was one of those. She doubted he would ever use it to hurt someone, but he had taught it to Mulciber, and even he could not be so naive to think that Mulciber would do no harm. 

It was a stark reminder that there was a war on outside the castle, that people were going missing and everyone was too scared to go out alone and every other day the rumours got wilder. Lily found it difficult to worry about who was dating who and who was wearing what when she knew that she was never going to be safe outside the castle. And once Mary was attacked, she realised they maybe weren’t safe inside the castle either. 

By the time Lily slipped into her seat in dungeon four twenty minutes later, she knew she had to confront Severus about who he was spending time with. She’d just had to stop Avery from harassing a terrified looking fourth year Ravenclaw and she had heard from one of the seventh year Hufflepuff prefects that Rosier had somehow wormed his way out of expulsion for the third time. 

‘Evans, if you scowl at the desk any harder you’re going to burn a hole through it’ 

‘You’re back’ Lily blinked up at the smirking figure of James Potter, and instantly regretted the words that had slipped out without thought as his smirk only grew more pronounced.

‘Missed me did you?’ he leant against her desk, ‘I didn’t think you cared’.

‘I don’t, but if I had to listen to Cynthia whine about missing Peter any more I was going to stuff her into the vanishing cabinet on the fourth floor’

‘Who knew you harbored such a violent streak Evans?’ 

‘It’s amazing what six days of hearing about Pettigrew’s snogging ability will drive a girl to’

‘Urgh, I can’t say I blame you for the violence then, that’s enough to drive someone to desperate measures’  


‘Isn’t he your friend?’

‘Yes and that is exactly why I don’t need to hear about his snogging capabilities’. 

‘Whose snogging capabilities are we discussing?’ Remus asked with an air of faint interest, as he slid into the seat next to Lily. 

‘Peters’ Lily said shortly, ‘it seems to be the only topic of conversation Cynthia is interested these days’ 

‘Settle down all!’ Slughorn called, as he strode into the room, ‘we are starting something new today and I would appreciate your full and rapt attention’. 

James winked at Lily before moving across to his table, where Cynthia, Peter and Sirius were already seated. 

‘The potion we are starting on today is one that often comes up at OWL level; a hiccupping solution. I would like you to please attempt this potion with your partners, as I only have enough hippogriff claws for one between two. You can collect the necessary ingredients from the store cupboard, and the recipe is on page 43 of your books, please begin’ 

There was a deafening scrape as half the class stood and began heading to the store cupboard. By the time Lily had returned, Remus had already set the flames to the correct temperature and started to boil water for the base of the potion. 

‘Did we miss anything terribly important while we were gone?’ he asked as she set about shredding knottgrass.

Lily shook her head, ‘we finished the Pepper Up potions we were working on, and he let us keep them so we don’t have to bother Madam Pomfrey every time we get a cold now’, she smiled at him before dumping the knottgrass into the cauldron, ‘missing a few days is hardly going to put you massively behind, I wouldn’t worry’ 

‘Our exams are in less than two months, I can’t help but worry’ Remus grimaced, peeling two leeches apart before unceremoniously chucking them in the now acid green concoction, ‘I’m not too worried about potions, what about Ancient Runes though?’ 

It was Lily’s turn to grimace, ‘Professor Sage is giving a “surprise” test tomorrow, I’ll lend you my notes from last week’. 

‘You’re a lifesaver’ Remus sighed, lazily stirring the potion, watching it pale with every counterclockwise stir. 

‘I know you wouldn’t leave in the middle of term unless you had to’ she shrugged, ‘I doubt you missed five days of lessons just for the fun of it’ 

A dark look passed across his face, before dropping his eyes back to the textbook in front of him. 

‘No it wasn’t a fun trip’. 

Lily smiled sadly to herself, noting the worried glances Remus kept throwing towards his friends, who had abandoned any pretense of doing work, and were throwing leeches at each other. 

***

James dragged his feet as he slowly made his way back to Gryffindor tower, sore and exhausted from Quidditch practice. Abbott had driven them all into the ground, his determination not to lose the last game of the season was brought on mostly as they were playing Ravenclaw, his sister’s house, who had won every one of their games so far this year. 

For all Abbott’s determination, James couldn’t really bring himself to care whether they won this game or not. Win or lose, they were either going to finish second or third, Ravenclaw had secured their first place when they beat Hufflepuff 540-30 in the last game before the Easter holidays. Since his parents funeral, all James had really thought about, selfishly, was what was going to happen to him. He had no other family, no one to take him in over the summer, and he wouldn’t turn seventeen for nearly another year. 

He kicked a stone plinth as he walked, frustrated beyond belief that he was stuck at Hogwarts forced to engage in lessons he had no interest in, study for things he would never use when he left school, and surrounded by scum like the Slytherins, half of whom were itching to join you-know-who the second they left. 

‘Well if it isn’t the little orphan boy himself’ a sneering voice came from behind him, and before he could even turn, he felt himself hoisted into the air by his ankle, rotating slowly until he was practically nose to nose with his assailant, ‘not so tough when it isn’t four on one’ Snape continued, his sneer even more pronounced.

‘Oh fuck off Snivellus’ James spat, trying to reach his wand from where it was stuffed down his sock, ‘amazing how you can only get the upper hand when my back is turned’. 

‘I could beat you in a duel with both hands tied behind my back’ 

‘And yet you attack me from behind with no warning, really sporting of you’ James growled, his hand inching towards his wand  
‘Ah now, none of that’ Snape said, jabbing has wand toward James’ hand, which immediately froze, wrapped around his wand, ‘I want to have a little talk, without you throwing curses around’ 

‘So talk’ James said, trying to throw every ounce of contempt into those two syllables. He was angrier than he could ever remember being, incensed that he had been cornered like this by Snivellus of all people. 

‘Stay away from Lily’. 

James blinked stupidly, his surprise stopping him from struggling, ‘what did you say?’ 

‘Stay. Away. From Lily’ Snape bit out, ‘I saw you in potions this morning, and I know what you’re doing’ 

James let out a harsh laugh, ‘and what is it I’m doing exactly? Is it illegal to make friendly conversation with my house-mate?’ 

‘The whole school knows you’ve got some pathetic crush on her’ the pale boy smirked, ‘but she’s much cleverer than you think. You can’t just mess up your hair and play with your snitch and make her fall for you’ 

‘I don’t - you can’t think- I don’t fancy Lily Evans’ James spluttered, his face steadily growing redder, ‘you’re pathetic, you can’t get her to go out with you so you try and scare anyone else off going after her?’ 

Snape practically snarled, before flicking his wand so James fell in a crumpled heap to the floor, shattering his glasses and knocking the wind out of him. 

‘Stay away from her. She’s not going to be one of the girls who fawns over you just because you have a mediocre talent on the Quidditch pitch’

‘Yeah?’ James wheezed, ‘so why do you look so worried?’

He had a split second in which to regret his words when he was in no position to defend himself, before Snape muttered something and James felt as though his entire body had been doused in ice water. 

Snape had vanished by the time James managed to push himself into a sitting position, and glancing down at his forearm he swore under his breath. Every inch of his usually dark skin was covered in purple, pulsating pustules. 

Praying that Remus would know the countercurse, he began walking as fast as his legs would carry him to Gryffindor tower, hoping no one would be out in the corridors this close to curfew. Madam Pomfrey would blow her top if he went to the Hospital Wing with another curse related injury, and she would tell McGonagall, and he would not give Snape the satisfaction of running to a teacher. 

‘Well I am definitely better looking than you now Prongs’ Sirius smirked as James dashed to the corner of the common room where his friends were sitting

‘Sod off Padfoot’ he snapped, ‘do you know the countercurse?’ he asked Remus, who was clearly trying not to laugh at his friend’s misfortune.

‘Who was it?’ Sirius asked, as Remus muttered the countercurse under his breath, and James sighed with relief as hot air seemed to blow over him.

‘Snape’ He scowled, ‘got me when my back was turned’. He dropped into the free armchair and Hades immediately jumped onto his knee, curling into a ball and purring. 

‘That dirty little sneak’ Sirius said, ‘did you at least get him back?’ 

‘No’ James replied shortly, throwing a grateful look at Peter who had repaired his glasses and was now handing them back, ‘The slime had run off by the time I managed to stand up’ 

‘Well this calls for swift and brutal retaliation my friends’ Sirius grinned, flexing his fingers menacingly. 

‘I think this probably was his retaliation for the hiccuping charm you put on him last week’ Remus said, not looking up from his book, ‘which was retaliation for the itching powder he threw over Peter during lunch the week before… Which was retaliation for the tapdancing hex I put on him the previous Monday..’ he trailed off, finally looking up to see his friends all glaring at him, ‘should I go on?’.

‘What exactly is your point Moony?’ Peter scowled, ‘he gives as good as he gets, it’s not our fault he doesn’t have any friends so it’s always four on one’. 

‘By all means retaliate and earn yourselves another pointless detention’ Remus said with a wave of his hand, ‘but I won’t be involved this time - I’ve got too much studying to do’. 

***

Sirius checked the map for the fourth time since he had left the dormitory. Remus had been taken to the willow two hours ago by Madam Pomfrey, but the sun wouldn't fully set until nine, a full hour away. He had left James and Peter in the common room playing exploding snap, with promises he would return in time for them to all slip under the invisibility cloak and make the journey to the shrieking shack.  
The dots on the map all remained stationary; for all their hours in the library they had not managed to find a charm that would allow the map to monitor people in real time. For now though, this was enough- Severus Snape was heading out of the library towards the dungeons, entirely alone. 

Sirius grinned before stuffing the map out of sight, and leaning against the cool stone wall, eyes trained on the corner from which he knew Severus would be emerging momentarily. 

'Evening Snivellus' he drawled.

The pale boy started, his hand reaching immediately for his wand, but Sirius was ready;  
'Expelliarmus!'

Snape's wand soared from his hand and towards Sirius, who caught it lazily and began to twirl it through the air, making it emit red and gold sparks. 

'Now, I thought we could have a little chat about hexing people when their backs are turned' He said, his anger bubbling just below the surface of his apparently calm demeanor. 

'Because you always fight fairly don't you Black' Snape drawled, irony dripping from his words. 

'We always fight fairly' Sirius hissed, 'hexing someone with their back to you isn't a fight, it's an attack'. 

'I just wanted to say something to him' Snape said, 'without him throwing curses around first'. He remained stood where he was when Sirius disarmed him, clearly afraid at his disadvantage. 

'And what exactly did you want to say to him?' 

'That's none of your business' 

'You made it my business when you attacked my best friend' Sirius said, taking a threatening step towards Snape, sparks emitting from both wands clutched in his hands.

'He didn't even fight back' Snape sneered, 'where did you all vanish to the other day? It seems to have turned him into a total poof'

Sirius closed the gap between them in three quick strides, pushing Snape against the wall and ramming his wand under his chin. 

'Don't talk about things you don't understand Snivellus, sticking your nose into things that don't concern you is an excellent way to get it broken'. 

Snape appeared entirely unconcerned by his vulnerable position, his dark eyes trained on Sirius, barely blinking. 'Go on then Black. Hex me. Hex me while I'm standing here without my wand, no way of defending myself. Prove what a big man you are'.

Sirius was still for a moment, before he swore and tore his wand away. Stepping back, he threw the other boy's wand at the ground, contempt rolling off of him. 'You're not worth it' Sirius spat, 'you're a waste of time and magic'. He turned to leave, not expecting Snape to be so stupid twice in one week. 

The jinx missed by less than an inch- Sirius actually felt his hair move as it rushed past. He turned and raised his wand in one smooth movement, 'You shouldn't have done that'.

With an almighty bang Snape was thrown backward and hit the wall, his head colliding against the stone with a nasty crack. Sirius was advancing on the pale boy, his rage fueling him, filling him with the desire to do as much damage as possible to the sallow skinned snake in front of him. 

'Potter is going the same way as his parents' Snape wheezed, staggering to his feet, 'Pettigrew is a pathetic excuse for a wizard, and it's only a matter of time before everyone works out where Lupin goes every month' He was standing now, looking victoriously at Sirius’ livid expression, ‘You marauders think you’re invincible… But outside these walls you’re dead, and you know it’.

In that moment Sirius, for all his pure blooded background, completely forgot he was a wizard. He drew back his clenched fist and threw it solidly against Snape’s jaw, brimming with satisfaction as he crumpled back to the floor.

‘You really want to know where Lupin goes every month?’ Sirius hissed dangerously, leaning down to look directly into Snape’s dark eyes, ‘there's a knot at the base of the whomping willow. Press it, and you can get into the secret passage underneath’ Snape’s eyes widened, but Sirius didn’t stop; ‘Follow it, and you’ll find out for real what his secret is’. 

With that, he turned on his heel and strode back to the common room, not once stopping to question what he had just done.

***

The first thing Remus became aware of was the hollow feeling in his stomach. Next was the incessant pounding of his head. The third, and most alarming thing, was the raised voices of the people around him. 

‘He could have killed him you fucking idiot!’

‘But he didn’t!’ 

‘No thanks to you; you were just going to let him walk down there to his death, weren’t you?’ There was a beat of silence followed by a frustrated noise that sounded alarmingly like a growl, ‘Did you even think about Remus?! Did you even think about what this would do to him?!’ 

‘I didn’t think about anything at all evidently’ Sirius spat.

‘I didn’t think you had it in you Padfoot’ a third voice interjected quietly.

‘It was a prank’ came the exasperated reply

‘That wasn’t a prank’

‘Well not a very well thought out one I’ll admit’ 

‘That wasn’t a prank, Sirius. It was almost a fucking murder’. Peter sounded angrier than Remus had ever heard him and it was that, more than anything, that made his blood run cold. 

He couldn’t open his eyes. If he opened his eyes then they would all know he was awake and if he was awake then he would be told what happened. What he’d done. 

‘I’m sorry’

‘No you’re not’ James said bitterly. 

‘I am though’ 

There was a beat. 

‘Even if you are, it’s not me you have to apologise to’ 

‘I’ll apologise to Remus when he-’ 

‘Not Remus’ James snapped

‘Oh fuck off Prongs I’m not apologising to Snape’ Sirius exclaimed, his chair clattering to the floor as he stood suddenly.

‘Yes you are Mr Black’ came Dumbledore’s serene voice from the direction of the door, ‘I expect you, Mr Potter and Mr Pettigrew in my office in half an hour’. 

‘But-’ 

Whatever protest Peter had been about to utter was silenced before it began. Slowly Remus registered the sound of them gathering their cloaks to leave. A large, slightly clammy hand was gently laid on top of Remus’ right hand. He forced his breathing to remain even and his body to remain relaxed. 

‘I really am sorry Moony’ Sirius whispered, squeezing his hand tight, as James and Peter’s footsteps retreated to the door, ‘You’re going to hate me when you wake up, and I won’t blame you’. 

With one final squeeze, Sirius’s footsteps headed towards the door and Remus dared to breathe normally again. 

‘No need to pretend to be asleep on my account Mr Lupin’ came Dumbledore’s kind voice. Remus jumped, his eyes flying open- he had assumed Dumbledore had left with the others. 

‘You are wondering, I’m sure, what happened last night?’ 

Remus felt frozen by fear. He didn’t want to know what had happened. This was the end, he was sure of it. He’d done so well, he’d lasted nearly five years at Hogwarts and no one was any the wiser about his condition, no one had ever gotten hurt. Just a month away from his OWLs and it had all crumbled- he was going to be expelled. 

Slowly, reluctantly, he nodded. 

‘You’ll be pleased to know that no one was hurt, first of all’ Dumbledore continued, seemingly oblivious to Remus’ inner turmoil, ‘It seems that Mr Black rather rashly informed Mr Snape what would happen if he pressed the knot at the base of the willow- teenage curiosity being as it is, Mr Snape immediately set out to test it for himself. Luckily, Mr Potter heard what Mr Black had done, and rushed to stop Severus before he could reach you’. 

‘He- he knows?’ Remus croaked, feeling extremely sick, ‘Snape knows?’. 

Dumbledore nodded.

‘Mr Snape is now aware of your condition, yes’. He said, looking sympathetic, ‘He saw a glimpse of you in wolf form before Mr Potter managed to pull him back. He has been sworn, of course, to secrecy’.

Remus did not feel comforted. Snape hated him, hated all of them. He didn’t believe for one moment that Snape would be able to keep this to himself. If he knew, he would tell Lily for sur- oh, _Merlin_. Lily. They had their prefect duties together, they’d partnered each other in class ever since Peter and Cynthia had gotten together, he genuinely considered her one of his dearest friends outside the marauders. Would she ever be able to look at him after this? Knowing that he was a monster? That he nearly killed her best friend? 

Perhaps Remus’ anguished disbelief showed on his face, as Dumbledore continued; ‘Mr Snape will not tell anyone- not even Miss Evans. He has been made fully aware of your situation and if he tells a soul he will be punished most severely’. 

‘I could have killed him’ Remus said, tears now beginning to drip from the end of his long nose.

‘Yes’ Dumbledore said, not unkindly, ‘You could have, but you didn’t. We have Mr Potter to thank for that’. 

Remus curled into a ball under his blanket, feeling queasy and faint. Dumbledore took this as his cue- 

‘Now I must go and deal with your friends. In light of recent events, I don’t feel that this warrants exclusion or expulsion, as no one was hurt, and no lasting damage has been done’. He seemed to think this would be a comfort to Remus, as he smiled gently towards the sickly boy, before turning on the heel of his buckled boots and striding from the Hospital Wing in a whirl of midnight blue robes. 

Remus couldn’t help but disagree- lasting damage had most definitely been done. How could he look at any of his friends the same again, knowing how close he came to killing someone?

***

Even Lily, absorbed as she was in her own problems, could hardly fail to notice that all four of the Gryffindor boys in her year were acting very strangely. None of them seemed to be talking to each other, choosing instead to sit elsewhere in classes for the first time in five years. Cynthia was absolutely beside herself;

‘Peter won’t tell me what happened, but it must be really bad- I’ve never seen him so cross’, she gossiped happily one morning at the beginning of June, while they waited for Dorcas to relinquish the bathroom. 

‘It’s gotta be something to do with Snape’ Mary said, drying her hair with her wand, ‘I heard Potter saved him from whatever is down that tunnel by the Whomping Willow’.

‘I heard that too’ Cynthia replied thoughtfully, biting on her lip, ‘but why would they all fall out over that? Do you know anything Lily?’ 

Lily had been waiting for this. She’d heard the rumours herself, and was furious that Severus hadn’t told her himself. Instead, she heard from Sylvia Harris, a particularly gossipy Ravenclaw, that her best friend had nearly died and not bothered to tell her. Sylvia had been delighted to know something before Lily, and was now spreading rumours that Lily and Severus had been secretly dating, but had now dramatically split up. Which was, apparently, the only logical explanation for them not speaking. 

‘No’ Lily said shortly, grabbing her hairbrush and beginning to twist her frizzy hair into plaits, ‘He hasn’t said a thing to me’. 

Lily pretended not to notice the look Mary and Cynthia shared at her waspish tone, instead casting quick glamour charms to hide the spots on her chin and shoving her feet into her heavy boots. 

The more she thought about it, the more Lily realised that her relationship with her dorm mates all came down to the first Saturday they’d spent at Hogwarts, back in first year. The sun had been shining and the girls all wanted to go and sit by the lake, comparing their first week of lessons and discussing their classmates. Lily, had turned down the offer, choosing instead, to go to the library with Severus, and to hear how his first week had gone. 

‘But he’s a _Slytherin_ ’ Dorcas had protested.

Lily had just shrugged,

‘He’s my best friend’.

It wasn’t the only time, of course. The girls invited Lily to play gobstones in the common room the same day Severus needed help with his Charms homework. Severus wanted to go for a walk around the lake while the girls gossiped in their bedroom. Lily went to Hogsmeade with Severus instead of with the girls the first time they’d been allowed to go in third year. On and on it went- why would she chose her dorm mates over Sev? She didn’t know them, and Sev always chose her over his housemates. At eleven she had firmly believed that her and Sev would be friends forever, so she didn’t need girlfriends too. 

‘Well I hope they all make up soon’ Mary said, as if the silence hadn’t gotten terribly awkward, ‘I’ve been partnering Black in Transfiguration for over a week now and he’s turned my eyebrows yellow twice’.

Cynthia snorted, ‘Black could transfigure your hair into a platypus and dye your skin blue and you would still snog him senseless if he asked’. 

‘I’m not denying he’s attractive’ Mary sniffed, shimmying into a skirt that definitely wouldn’t pass one of McGonagall’s uniform inspections, ‘But I’m with Caradoc now’. 

It was Lily’s turn to snort, ‘You’re official now? Well I’m on prefect rounds tonight, so please chose your evening’s snogging location with care’. 

Mary stuck her tongue out at Lily, ‘Because you’d never be caught dead snogging in a broom cupboard’. 

‘You’re right’ Lily said with a wicked grin, ‘I’d never be _caught_ ’. 

Cynthia dropped her wand, shooting sparks at her pillows, and Mary gasped ‘Lily!’. 

Lily waggled her eyebrows and lapsed into giggles at their scandalised faces. 

‘See you later!’ She called over her shoulder, leaving them to no doubt speculate who, exactly, Lily had been meeting in broom cupboards.  
Her good mood lasted eight and a half minutes. Then she saw Severus emerging from the dungeon corridor, and for the first time in weeks, he was alone. Lily marched straight up to him, grabbed him around the elbow and lead him straight into the entrance hall and out the front doors to the empty courtyard. 

‘Lily’ he protested weakly, ‘I have class- McGonagall…’ 

‘You’ve been avoiding me’ She hissed, pulling him further away from the doors, ‘and I want to know why’

‘I’ve just been busy’ he stammered, ‘We don’t have to spend every second together any more Lily’ 

‘You never had a problem with it before’ She said, eyebrows raised, ‘You’re trading me off for a bunch of wannabe death eaters, is that it?’ 

‘So now you have a problem with my friends?’ Severus demanded, his stance turning defensive, ‘I thought we were supposed to be friends? Best friends?’

‘We are Sev, but I don’t like some of the people you’re hanging around with! I’m sorry, but I detest Avery and Mulciber! Mulciber! What do you see in him Sev? He’s creepy! D’you know what he tried to do to Mary Macdonald the other day?’ Lily leaned against the pillar in the shadowy corner of the courtyard, looking up into Severus’ face and searching it for answers. 

‘That was nothing’, said Severus, ‘It was a laugh, that’s all-’ 

‘It was Dark Magic, and if you think that’s funny-’

‘What about the stuff Potter and his mates get up to?’ Demanded Severus, his cheeks flushing and his lips curving into a nasty sneer. 

‘What’s Potter got to do with anything?’ Lily asked, not happy with the turn this conversation was taking. 

‘They sneak out at night. There’s something weird about Lupin. Where does he keep going?’ 

Lily had the distinct feeling Severus was attempting to walk her to a conclusion, and refused to rise to it. ‘He’s ill’ she said shortly, ‘They say he’s ill-’ 

‘Every month at the full moon?’ Severus said, his eyebrows raised. 

There it was, she thought irritably, ‘I know your theory’ she replied coldly, ‘Why are you so obsessed with them anyway? Why do you care what they’re doing at night?’

‘I’m just trying to show you they’re not as wonderful as everyone seems to think they are’. 

He stared at her, and against her will, Lily could feel her face flushing under his scrutiny. 

She looked away. 

‘They don’t use Dark Magic though’, she said, before deciding to address the other elephant in the room, ‘And you’re being really ungrateful. I heard what happened the other night. You went sneaking down that tunnel by the Whomping Willow and James Potter saved you from whatever’s down there-’

Severus turned a nasty puce colour and began spluttering; ‘Saved? Saved? You think he was playing the hero? He was saving his neck and his friends’ too! You’re not going to- I won’t let you-’ 

‘Let me? Let me?’ Lily felt fury rise in her chest, her eyes narrowing in distaste. 

‘I didn’t mean- I just don’t want to see you made a fool of- he fancies you. James Potter fancies you!’ He made a face as though the words tasted bad. 

Lily’s eyebrows very nearly disappeared into her hairline with disbelief as he continued; ‘And he’s not- everyone thinks- Big Quidditch hero…’ 

‘I know James Potter is an arrogant toerag’ She interrupted him, determined to get this conversation back to where it should be, ‘I don’t need you to tell me that. But Mulciber and Avery’s idea of humour is just evil. Evil, Sev. I don’t understand how you can be friends with them’.  
The bell rang distantly and Lily swore. She hadn’t even had time to have breakfast. ‘I’ll talk to you later Sev, if I’m late for Runes again Professor Sage will have my head’. 

 

She ran off without a backward glance, totally missing the gleeful look on Snape’s face after he heard her insult James Potter. 

*** 

Twelve hours later found Lily patrolling the corridors alone- her doc marten boots making her footfalls heavy as she made her way down yet another empty hallway. Prefect rounds were rapidly becoming her least favourite way of spending an evening. Their O.W.Ls were coming up in less than a fortnight and any time not spent studying would much rather have been spent with Severus, now that they seemed to be back on semi-even footing after their conversation that morning. He had even come to sit next to her in potions for the first time since December, although it meant Remus had moved to an empty table at the back, looking at her with inexplicable sadness. As though he were disappointed. 

She frowned at the thought. Remus was a wonderful friend- and a brilliant potions partner, he had never judged her for having a Slytherin best friend, why would he start now? Sad though she was that Remus had chosen to work alone rather than with her and Sev, she couldn’t bring herself to be sorry; she had missed her best friend so much it was as though she could finally breathe again. Sev was her ally, he would stand by her no matter what was going on outside the castle. Of this, she was sure. 

Lily had just turned the corner into the Charms corridor when she walked straight into a very solid body. 

‘Oof’ she huffed, bouncing backward, her arms flying up to grab at a very solid chest. ‘Oh Remus, I’m sorry I didn’t see you- Remus? Are you ok?’ 

It was obvious he’d been crying. His eyes were puffy and his cheeks were distinctly blotchy. She reached out towards his arm in concern, and he pulled away rapidly as if she burned him.

‘I’m fine Li- Evans. I’ll see you later’ He made to stride past her, but Lily- sick of secrecy and not likely to let her friend go anywhere while this upset- caught him around the elbow, and just like she’d done with Severus that morning, towed him behind her as she began to stride up the corridor.

‘Lily- what are you-? Aren’t you supposed to be doing rou-’ he broke off, looking at her in disbelief, ‘Lily this is a broom cupboard’.

‘So it is’ she replied airily, turning a mop bucket upside down and forcing Remus to sit on it. He could have stopped her quite easily, although Lily was tall herself, Remus had caught her up and overtaken her sometime in the last year, so that now the boy she once towered over stood a good several inches above her. 

‘And what exactly do you think people will say if they find us in a broom cupboard while you’re supposed to be doing rounds?’

‘I’m sure they’ll think of something very inventive. I’ll probably find out tomorrow that I’m having a three-way relationship with you and Severus or something’. 

‘You sound surprisingly blasé about that’ he said, eyebrow arching as she locked the door with a sharp tap of her wand.

She shrugged.

‘People are always going to gossip about something at this school, might as well try to make it interesting’

Remus smiled, but it was a small thing, not reaching his eyes. Lily turned over another mop bucket and sat down opposite him. 

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ She asked as gently as she could manage.

He looked up at her in surprise, ‘I didn’t think you would want to talk about it’ he said, ‘Not after Snape told you’.

‘Told me what?’ She asked, her brow furrowed, ‘Me and Sev hadn’t spoken for weeks until this morning’ 

‘But, he came to sit with you in Potions?’ Remus said, ‘I thought he must have told you and you didn’t want to sit with me anymore once you found out that I’m -’ he trailed off. 

Suddenly, something in Lily’s brain clicked. 

‘Oh Merlin!’ She muttered, ‘Severus saw you, didn’t he? At the end of the tunnel? He knows now?’ 

Remus was looking incredibly confused. 

‘If he didn’t tell you then how the fuck do you know?’ He demanded. 

Lily waved a vague hand. ‘I’ve known for ages’. 

‘Bu- how- you?’ Remus was spluttering now, but she spoke over him. 

‘That's why he kept talking about you this morning’ she said through gritted teeth, ‘Merlin and Agrippa I am going to kill him. I assume he was forbidden to tell anyone by Dumbledore?’ She asked, glancing at Remus. 

She didn’t wait for confirmation before she ploughed on, ‘So he tried to slow walk me to the answer this morning without actually telling me and that’s why he kept changing the subject every time I tried to talk about-’

It was Lily’s turn to trail off. She twirled her wand around her fingers, looking concerned at Remus’ stupefied face. 

‘Really Remus we’ve been at this school for five years and I’ve been doing prefect duties with you for the last few months, did you really think I wouldn’t work it out?’

‘Just to be clear’ Remus said, his voice a tad higher than usual, ‘you just willingly locked yourself in a broom cupboard with me when you know I’m a werewolf?’ 

‘The full moon isn’t for another 10 days Remus, I very much doubt you’re about to maul me to death’. 

He continued to stare at her. Lily threw up her hands in exasperation, ‘I was out of bed after curfew back in November and I knew that you were supposed to be ‘away because you were ill’, I knew it was a full moon and I saw Madam Pomfrey walking you across the grounds. It didn’t take a genius after that’. 

‘Why didn’t you tell him?’

‘Who?’

‘Snape. He’s suspected me since third year, why didn’t you tell him when you found out he was right?’ 

‘Would you rather I had?’ Lily asked, smirking. She sighed when it became obvious he wasn’t going to respond. ‘Because he’s been raised to believe that werewolves are dangerous half-breeds. And he already doesn’t like you because of who you’re friends with. I know you, Remus, not the creature, the boy who shares his chocolate with me when we’ve got exams’ she smiled at him, ‘Did you really think that this would end our friendship?’ 

Remus was blushing now, his hand tugging through his hair- a mannerism so clearly picked up from James that it made Lily smile. 

‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you myself’ he said ruefully, ‘I should have known you’d take it better than most people’.

‘Yes you should have’ Lily said in a dignified tone, ‘but I can hardly begrudge you for keeping a secret. We all do it’. 

‘Speaking of’, he began, ‘I have one more question’

‘Wouldn’t be you if you didn’t’ she smiled, nudging him with the toe of her boot, his face breaking out into the first true, proper smile she had seen in weeks.

‘What exactly were you doing out of bed after curfew?’

Lily laughed loudly and stood to unlock the door. 

‘I’ll see you tomorrow Remus’ she grinned, heading out to finish her rounds. 

She was halfway down the corridor before she heard him cry, ‘That wasn’t an answer!’ 

***

Over the next several days Lily became convinced that James Potter and Sirius Black were deliberately trying to drive her mad.  
Their exams were just over a week away, and the two Gryffindor boys spent entire lessons charming her hair so it flashed different colours, sending tripping jinxes at Severus and generally irritating anyone they came into contact with. 

Many of the first and second years found them very funny- they weren’t worried about exams or being dumped or their best friends telling the whole school a secret that could ruin another friend’s life. 

This, more than anything, was weighing on her mind. Remus was withdrawn, distracted, not his usual self at all. While he didn’t quite strut with the arrogance of Potter or bounce around with the energy of Peter on their average day- he was usually friendly, upbeat despite everything, and a friend to all. To see him so miserable was breaking Lily’s heart. 

She began to sit with him in every lesson, quirking an eyebrow at Severus and daring him to comment when Remus’ cauldron found it’s way on to their desk six days before the start of their exams. She asked Alice to re-do the prefect schedules so they would always be together during rounds, and made sure there was plenty of chocolate for them to share when their study sessions lasted late into the night. 

‘I don’t need your pity’ he snapped, one day he’d been looking particularly tense, ‘You don’t need to spend all your time with me’.  
Lily raised her eyebrows at him and he had the decency to look sheepish. 

‘I’m sorry’ he said, looking down at his textbook, ‘It’s just, James came to talk to me today’. 

She shifted her chair slightly so her back was to Madam Pince before responding, 

‘Begging you to forgive Sirius again?’ 

‘No- well. Yes’. Remus sighed, ‘James says that Sirius is really sorry, and that he wasn’t thinking straight and wouldn’t have done it if it weren’t for-’ he broke off, looking awkward. 

‘For whatever mysterious circumstances lead you all to leave the castle for a week last month?’ Lily concluded, having figured as much herself. 

Remus looked at her gratefully. She hadn’t asked where they’d gone- she could hazard a pretty good guess and she’d never been much of a gossip anyway. 

‘They’re acting out’ Remus said, sadly, ‘They’re not dealing with it- just making life more difficult for everyone else’.

‘Has Sirius actually apologised to you himself?’ 

‘Yes. Well- he apologised when he thought I was asleep in the hospital wing’. 

‘That doesn’t count’ Lily said indignantly. 

‘I know but-’

‘No, Remus’. She said, crossly, ‘He needs to apologise properly. It was a horrid, impulsive, childish thing he did- using someone else’s secret to get what he wanted’. 

‘I know’ He sighed again., ‘I just miss them’. 

Lily laid a careful hand over one of his, ‘I hate that this is hurting you so much. You’ll tell me, won’t you, if there is anything I can do?’.  
Remus smiled and lay his other hand over hers, squeezing gently. ‘I will. Lil- I’ve just got to wait for Sirius to buck up and apologise to me instead of sending James to do it’. 

That day didn’t seem likely to come though, and Lily was incensed the very next day when she caught Remus sat with the other boys by the fire. Even Peter, who had been spending the majority of his time with Cynthia lately, was lounging by the fire and using his wand to flick old quills into the fire. Lily caught Remus’ eye and inclined her head, silently asking if Sirius had finally managed that apology. Remus shook his head minutely and Lily's eyes bulged. He shook his head again, looking at her pointedly. She sighed; she wanted what was best for him, but if he wanted to excuse their behaviour for whatever reason, then there was really nothing she could do. 

She smiled at him, in what she really hoped was a supportive manner, and bent back over her textbook. A loud bang issued from by the fire and Lily looked up, startled, to see Potter and Black laughing uproariously at Peter, who was covered in what looked like stinksap. Remus was also splattered, the books he had been working from now slimy and ruined. 

Their exams started tomorrow. Tomorrow. And instead of studying, like the rest of them, or at least leaving everyone to study in peace, they had to draw attention to themselves and show off. Lily was enraged, her stomach had been twisting all day in a weird mix of exam nerves and anxiety about Severus, and now she wanted nothing more than to waltz over there and hex Potter into oblivion.  
But she resisted. 

Gathering her books in the most dignified manner she could muster, she scrambled through the portrait hole and made it as far as the statue of Gregory the Smarmy before she burst into tears. 

Lily could count on one hand the number of times she had cried in the last few years. And at least half of those were due to something Petunia had said or done. But she was just so tired and stressed and worried that it all came out now, and she leaned against the statue, and cried.

***

Monday morning dawned bright and clear- it was obviously going to be a swelteringly hot day and the fifth years could all be seen throwing dirty glances out of the windows, is if it were somehow the weathers’ fault that they would be taking exams all day.  
Lily felt sick. 

The first exam of the day was Ancient Runes- her absolute worst subject. She had only taken it back in third year because Benjy Fenwick from the year above tutored younger students and she had the most ridiculous crush on him. It was a moment of girlish weakness and she’d been suffering the consequences for two years now- pass or fail, she would be dropping the class before N.E.W.TS.  
She knew, really, that the twisting of her stomach wasn’t due to exams. It was Severus. She had been so pleased that they were friendly again that she hadn’t had the heart to confront him about his newfound knowledge of Remus’ condition. Really, she thought, they hadn’t even properly discussed Mulciber’s attack on Mary. 

He had found it funny. He compared it to the pranks Potter and his friends pulled, but she could never, ever imagine James Potter tormenting a girl and leaving her mortified and bleeding in the middle of a corridor. He was an arrogant bastard and he got on her last nerve regularly, but he wasn’t cruel. 

What Mulciber had done to Mary was cruel. 

Three hours later Lily was absolutely positive she had failed the exam, but somehow the knowledge made her feel lighter; there was hardly any point to stressing about it now. 

She had spent most of the exam mentally preparing herself to talk to Severus. (who cared what the proper pronunciation of “wunjō” was anyway?). She had to do it now, before she lost her nerve. She couldn’t take a whole week of exams with this hovering over her head too. Her stomach churning, she caught his eye in the Great Hall at lunchtime, and inclined her head towards the door. He immediately stood, abandoning his half eaten sandwich and hurrying over to meet her. 

‘How was Runes?’ He asked as soon as he drew level with her, and she couldn’t help but make a disgusted noise as they headed out of the hall together, missing the smirks of their classmates. 

‘That bad eh?’ He smiled knowingly. ‘That’ll teach you to choose subjects based on whose tutoring them’ he teased. She snorted,  
‘Says you- how many lessons of Muggle Studies did you take just because Matilda Burke was in them?’ 

‘Three’ he sniffed, ‘and I was taking it to learn about your heritage too’

‘Sev, you practically lived at my house from the age of nine onwards’

‘And yet I still don’t know how aeroplanes stay up without a hover charm on them’ 

‘I’ll give you Petunia’s old science textbooks’ she grinned, before her smile faded. For a moment, she’d forgotten why they were out here. Their old, friendly banter came so naturally to her that she’d forgotten that things weren’t normal between them. Not really.  
She took a deep breath to steel herself. 

‘Are you going to tell anyone now you know about Remus?’. 

A slow smile spread over his face, he looked so proud of himself it that Lily actually took a minute step back.  
‘I knew you’d work it out’ he breathed, stepping right into her personal space, ‘You’re brilliant Lily, brilliant, I knew you’d realise what the half-breed really is… How long have you known?’

‘Eight months’ 

The grin on Severus’ face slid off. His usually pale face was turning a nasty red colour and Lily’s fingernails were cutting into her palm, her heart going rather quickly.

‘Eight months?!’ He began, ‘I’ve known for sure for two weeks, why on earth didn’t you tell me Lil?!’ When Lily didn’t reply he continued, ‘I could have died, Lily. If you’d told me I would never have gone down that tunnel!’. 

‘You went down that tunnel because you thought you could get Remus expelled’ Lily spat, her heartbeat thundering in her ears,‘What has he ever done to you anyway?’ 

‘He’s a monster Lily!’ 

‘So am I for a few days of the month but you don’t hold it against me’ she said sarcastically.

Severus flushed deep red and Lily felt a stab of vindictive pleasure.

‘You can’t seriously be friends with him now?’ He demanded, his stark disbelief showing on his face. 

‘I can and I am’ Lily said shortly, her tone garnering no argument, ‘And you’re just going to have to learn to live with it’ 

‘He- but- he could kill you!’ Snape spluttered

‘And so could any of those death eater friends of yours but you still hang out with them’

Snape gaped at her. 

‘It’s different’ he said finally, ‘my friends are human’.

The way he stressed the last word made Lily’s stomach turn. How could he hate Remus so blindly that he didn’t even consider him to be human? How could this kind, shy boy she had grown up with, relied on for so long, grown up to be so full of hatred?

‘Your friends barely think I qualify as human, much less a witch, so if you refuse to be civil to Remus, perhaps you shouldn’t be talking to me either’. 

‘Don’t be ridiculous Lily of course they think you’re human’ he said, in a long-suffering voice as though Lily was being deliberately difficult, ‘besides, they couldn’t hurt me, I can protect myself’

Perhaps he realised his mistake when he noticed the sudden narrowing of Lily’s eyes, or perhaps because her wand -which was still gripped in her hand- shot sparks at him, narrowly avoiding setting him alight.

‘Lil- I didn’t mean- I know you can protect yourself-’ He was stammering now, and Lily was so outraged her brain seemed to have jammed- ‘-I just can’t let you be friends wit- I mean that -’

‘You mean what, exactly?’ She began, shaking with anger, ‘That you can be friends with as many sick, twisted, evil people as you please, but poor, defenceless Lily can only have you? That I can’t befriend a boy who has had a horrid life without your permission?’ 

‘No, Lil-’

‘Because it seems to me that you’re so busy trying to make sure I don’t have any friends but you, that you ignore every legitimate complaint I have about your supposed “mates”’. 

‘What complaints?’ He demanded, ‘You haven’t said-’

‘Mucliber, Avery, Nott, Travers, Rosier’ she reeled off, ‘In the last six months every single one of them has used their pure-blood connections to worm their way out of expulsion’.

‘So?’ Snape asked incredulously, ‘they muck about a bit, we’re teenagers it’s what we’re supposed to do’ 

Lily began to talk very fast- she needed this off her chest like it was a sickness cloying in her lungs. ‘Mulciber tore Mary’s blouse open and left her bleeding in a corridor. Avery hexed David Smith so badly he spent two weeks in the hospital wing before they could wake him up. Nott shoved Mandy Dunbar over the banister of the astronomy tower staircase and broke both of her legs. Travers and Rosier rigged Fiona Hill’s cauldron to explode while they were making drought of the living dead- thank Merlin she’s shite at potions or she would probably be dead’. 

She paused to take a breath and ploughed on before Severus could interrupt her; ‘What do all those victims have in common Sev?’ She demanded, ‘They’re all the fucking muggleborns in our year’ she spat. ‘Except me’. 

He didn’t meet her eye. It was as though her worst fears had been realised. 

‘Is that the deal then?’ She asked sadly, ‘you tell them all the dark spells you make up and then they leave me alone?’. 

‘I’m just-’ he began, ‘I’m just trying to protect you’. His voice broke feebly. 

‘I don’t need your protection Snape’ she said, disgustedly, ‘Not like this’. 

Without another word, she turned on her heel and strode away. 

***

‘We could fill the Great Hall with frogs’

‘We did that in second year’ 

‘Glitter in all the Slytherin’s food?’

‘Fourth year, Avery threw up glitter all over the Quidditch pitch, remember?’ 

‘We could transfigure Mrs Norris into a tiger?’

‘She’s lethal enough as a cat thanks’. 

Sirius sighed, ‘Well what do you suggest then?’ 

‘We could charm shampoo bottles to follow Snape around until he actually washes his hair?’ 

‘I doubt Lily would see the funny side’ Sirius pointed out, eyebrow cocked. 

‘What on earth has she got to do with anything?’ James said, running his hand through his hair casually. 

‘You think I haven’t noticed that you spend every lesson showing off in front of her?’ 

‘I don’t- you- Why does everyone think I fancy Evans?!’ 

‘Who is this “everyone”?’ Sirius sniggered. 

‘Snape’ James said shortly, ‘It’s what he wanted to ‘discuss’ when he turned me into a walking pustule the other week’. 

Sirius looked bewildered, ‘Why would it have anything to do with him? They aren’t actually dating are they? I thought that was just Sylvia making shite up as usual?’ 

‘I don’t know’ James said grumpily, ‘Can you just drop it?’. 

Sirius looked like he wanted to argue, but James’ tone garnered no argument. 

James didn’t want to admit that he had spent an awful lot of time lately wondering just that- Snape had been sending jinxes his way every time his back was turned, and James was retaliating. Every time James so much as lent too close to Lily during Charms he would find his chair collapsing, or his feet stuck together, or once, his eyebrows vanished. 

Not that Snape was getting off lightly- just this week James had managed to get him with three tripping jinxes, a pretty good jelly-legs and he’d managed to charm his uniform to Gryffindor colours. 

It seemed to James that Snape acted like a jealous boyfriend- and yet Lily had seemed so miserable lately. She was spending an awful lot of time with Remus lately too, but Snape didn’t seem to be hexing him at any given moment. 

‘Hello’ came a timid sort of voice from behind them, ‘I’m supposed to give these to James Potter and Sirius Black’. A small mousey first-year was holding out envelopes to both of them. With a glance to Sirius, James opened his. 

_Dear Mr Potter,_

_I would like to see you in my office at 7pm. It is regarding your accommodations over the summer._

_Professor McGonagall_

‘Is this her only just realizing we’re essentially homeless?’ Sirius snorted, ‘It’s been almost a month’.

‘You aren’t even close to being homeless’ James pointed out, ‘You know Alphard would take you in if you were desperate and if Andromeda has offered once she’s offered a hundred times’. 

‘Alphard is ill, he wrote me last week to say he couldn’t take me, much as he’d love to, just to spite my mother’. 

‘And Andy?’ 

‘Nymphadora is only three, and they don’t have much room. They don’t need me crashing on their sofa for six weeks and getting in the way’. He sounded bitter, much more bitter than James felt he had any right to be- at least he still had two family members left.  
‘Well we’d better get going, it’s almost quarter to seven already’.

The two boys grabbed their bags and headed out of the portrait hole. There weren’t many people around, exams wouldn’t be over for another two days, so most people were tucked away in their common rooms, studying.

When they reached McGonagall’s office they shifted uneasily, having a wordless conversation over who was going to knock. 

‘Oh for goodness sake just come in already’ came McGonagall’s voice from the other side of the door. 

They both jumped, 

‘How does she do that?’ Sirius muttered as they pushed the door open and entered. 

They settled themselves in the chairs in front of McGonagall’s desk, from behind which she was peering at them over her glasses. 

‘It has come to my attention that neither of you have anywhere to stay over the summer’ she began, in a no-nonsense tone. ‘I have been in contact with Gringotts and it appears Mr Potter, that your parents charmed your inheritance so it can only be claimed once you have left school’. 

‘Yes Professor’ 

‘And Mr Black you have been entirely cut off from your family, is that correct?’ 

‘Yes Professor’ 

Both boys were staring at the floor, shamefaced and not at all the proud, pure blooded men their parents had raised them to be.  
‘Dumbledore has been in contact with the governors and we are going to make arrangements for you to stay at the school over the summer’  
Their heads shot up and they stared at her, amazed.

‘Stay… here?’ Sirius could hardly believe their luck, ‘I thought you were going to send us to some kind of orphanage or something!’.  
McGonagall smiled faintly, ‘No, Mr Black, if you were younger, then yes, perhaps somewhere with adult supervision would be best. But you are both almost of age, you’re bright boys who’ve had a stroke of rotten luck- Dumbledore sees no reason why you shouldn’t be allowed to stay’.

‘Who else will be here?’ James asked. 

‘The house elves live here year round- as does Dumbledore. Most other teachers do not stay over the summer, although I live in Hogsmeade, so I will be available if needed’. 

‘Will we be able to leave the castle? To go visit Remus and Peter?’ 

‘You will- you can take the knight bus anywhere you like, but I must ask that you let Dumbledore know if you’re leaving the castle.’

‘Can we use magic?’ Sirius asked eagerly, ‘I know we’re not of age but-’ 

McGonagall held up a hand and Sirius fell silent, 

‘The answer to that Mr Black is two-fold. I will trust you to use magic only when necessary- I urge you to use your common sense, if I return to the school to find you’ve burnt down the Gryffindor common room or flooded the kitchens then you will not be permitted to stay at the castle alone again’.

Sirius looked like Christmas had come early. 

‘Will the library be open to us?’ James asked, and Sirius looked at him disgustedly. 

‘You will be able to use the library yes’, McGonagall said suspiciously, ‘I would like you to leave a note of any books you borrow and when you returned them for Madam Pince to check when she returns’. 

James nodded quietly, still looking at his knees. He wasn’t nearly as excited as Sirius at the prospect of staying at Hogwarts over the summer- really, he would prefer to be going home to his parents like everyone else. Sirius, however, hated his house, he would rather sleep on the streets than go back to Grimmauld Place. 

‘I think that’ll be all’, McGonagall said after a beat of silence, ‘You can ask any other questions you think of over the next few weeks before term ends’. 

They thanked her and stood to leave, but James lingered, sending Sirius ahead of him. 

‘Professor’, he began, ‘I wanted to ask…’ he hesitated, scuffing his toe against the leg of the chair Sirius had just vacated.  
‘You want to know if the aurors found anything suspicious about your parents death’. 

He nodded. ‘I know they were old’ he said quickly, ‘and I know that Dragon Pox can kill you quickly when you are that age, but I don’t understand where they can have gotten it from- they hardly ever left the house’. 

McGonagall sighed- ‘The aurors have not concluded their report yet, but yes, it looks like someone may have introduced to virus into your household somehow’. 

James felt his heart sink through to the floor. 

‘I’m telling you this because I don’t see the benefit in hiding it from you’, McGonagall said frankly, ‘Your mother was an incredibly powerful witch- she was an auror for over 50 years, I think you know that there are people who would see her as an adversary to be rid of in the current climate’. 

James nodded glumly, ‘Death Eaters’. 

‘We don’t know anything for sure yet James’, the use of his first name surprised him enough that he looked up, meeting her eye for the first time since he stepped foot into the office, ‘I don’t think a single death eater could have taken your mother down in a fair fight, that’s for sure’. 

James laughed weakly, ‘I did say once they should let mum go after you-know-who, he’d be dead within the week’.  
‘Your mother was Prefect, Head Girl and Quidditch Captain in her day’ McGonagall said fondly, ‘she was the bravest woman I ever met, I always said she should have been in Gryffindor’ 

‘Yeah, she never did let me live it down when I got sorted into Gryffindor like Dad, instead of Slytherin like her’. 

‘They would be very proud of you’ said McGonagall- ‘You have handled this very maturely’.

James blushed, suddenly becoming very interested in the fingernails on his right hand. 

He didn’t feel mature. On the contrary, he had never felt so incredibly young. 

‘Now, don’t you have some studying to be doing?’ McGonagall said, returning to her usual brisk tone. 

‘Thank you Professor’, James said quietly, turning to let himself out of the office. 

***

Their second to last exam was Defence Against the Dark Arts. It was Thursday morning and Lily couldn’t remember the last time she had been so relieved for a week to be almost over. At 1pm tomorrow, she wouldn’t have to worry about school work until September, a blissful three months away. 

‘I think we should take a picnic out onto the grounds after the exam’ Mary was saying as she twisted her dark hair into two plaits, ‘it's going to be an absolutely beautiful day’. 

‘Ohh yes!’ Cynthia cried from the bathroom, poking her head around the door- ‘Let's go swimming in the lake, we haven’t done that since third year!’. 

Lily, who was reading over her DAtDA notes so fast her eyes appeared to be blurring, wasn’t listening to them. At least not until one of Dorcas’ trainers hit the side of her head;

‘Oi! Earth to Lily!’. 

‘What was that for?’ whined Lily, rubbing her ear, ‘you could have just said something!’. 

‘I did’ Dorcas snorted, ‘twice. Now, are you going to come for a picnic and swim with us after the exam?’. 

She gave Lily a searching look. Of all their housemates Lily had always felt Dorcas was the most perceptive. While Lily hadn’t told any of them about her disagreement with Snape, Dorcas seemed to instinctively know that something was wrong. 

This was an olive branch, Lily thought. An invitation to spend time with them outside of their dorm or classes. 

‘That sounds lovely’ Lily smiled, ‘I’ve got some ginger beer left from the last time I went to a muggle shop- I’ll bring that shall I?’. 

‘Ginger beer?’ Dorcas said, wrinkling her nose, ‘What on earth is that?’ 

‘It is a picnic staple is what it is!’ Mary said fervently, ‘Although there aren’t enough of us to be the Famous Five’ she pointed out to Lily.  
Dorcas and Cynthia were looking very confused. 

‘We could turn Sirius into a dog?’ Lily suggested, ‘he could be our Timmy?’. 

For some reason Dorcas found this very funny. 

‘No books’ Mary said, looking between pointedly at Dorcas, ‘we can study for Transfiguration tonight in the common room- it’ll do us good to get out in the sun for a while’ 

Dorcas rolled her eyes and slid her transfiguration book back into her bedside cabinet.  
‘Fine’ she said, ‘but one of you had better test me later’. 

It was everyone else’s turn to roll their eyes,  
‘Why? You’re already going to get an O’ Cynthia said incredulously, ‘You’re top of the year at Transfiguration!’  
‘Second’ Dorcas sniffed, ‘James is ahead of me’. 

Lily raised her eyebrows at the tall girl's expression, ‘Why does that matter?’ she asked, ‘Surely it’s the exam result that you need to be worried about?’. 

Lily didn’t feel the need to compete with her classmates- possibly why the sorting hat hadn’t put her in Ravenclaw or Slytherin. As far as she was concerned, she would work to the best of her ability, and if someone else was better than her, well, bully for them. 

‘I just want to prove that his “natural ability” isn’t better than actually studying’ Dorcas said crossly, ‘McGonagall raves about him but I don’t think he’s opened a book in the last three years!’

Lily could see her point. Dorcas was top of the year in most every subject, not because she was the most naturally gifted, but because she was the most diligent, hard working witch Lily had ever met. 

‘I’ll see you later’ Lily said, ‘I want to read these notes while I have breakfast’. 

‘We’ll meet you by the sycamore tree at the edge of the lake after the exam alright?’ Mary said, curling her eyelashes around her wand. 

*** 

The exam went better than Lily could ever have hoped. While not her best subject by any means (changing teachers every year was hardly indicative of a good learning environment), she was pretty sure she had just achieved an ‘O’ for Defense Against the Dark Arts. 

She headed out to meet her dorm mates feeling as though she was floating- the sun was beating down against her neck and she shrugged her robes off to walk across the lawn in just her skirt and blouse. Transfiguration was all that was left, and Lily felt privately that she would achieve at least an ‘E’, even if she didn’t study at all that evening. 

‘Hi!’ she called out to the girls who were all sunning themselves by the edge of the water, ‘I brought crisps!’ 

She dumped the bag holding bottles of ginger beer and ready salted crisps at the edge of Mary’s towel, before toeing off her shoes and flopping down next to them. 

‘Hey Lil- what did you think of question 7?’ Dorcas asked, reclining to look up at Lily. 

‘The one about vampires? I put-’ 

Cynthia put her hands over her ears and began to sing tunelessly. 

Dorcas threw up her hands in defeat, ‘ok, OK!’ she said, tugging Cynthia’s hands away from her ears, ‘No post exam discussion here’.

‘We’re supposed to be relaxing’ Mary pointed out, stretching luxuriously on her towel, ‘What’s the point of discussing the exam now? We can’t change our answers’ 

‘It’s a good way of learning’ Dorcas argued, ‘If I know I got something wrong I’ll know what the answer is next time’ 

‘ _Merlin_ you should have been a Ravenclaw’ Cynthia sniggered.

Dorcas didn’t answer. Instead she picked up one of the bottles of ginger beer and took a deep swig. 

And promptly spat it back out. 

‘What in Agrippa’s name is that?!’ She cried, foam dripping from her nose, ‘I thought you said it was good!’ 

Mary and Lily were paralyzed with laughter, Lily had forgotten that fizzy drinks didn’t exist in the wizarding world, and Dorcas had most definitely not been expecting it. 

Dorcas was now wiping her streaming eyes and nose on a handkerchief she summoned from thin air- looking very disgruntled. 

‘I’m so sorry Dorcas’ Lily said, blotting her own eyes on the end of her tie, ‘I didn’t think to warn you it was fizzy!’ 

‘Muggles are so weird’ Dorcas said fervently, ‘why on earth would you want a drink that feels like it’s burning your mouth?!’

‘Try taking a smaller sip, now you’re expect-’ Lily broke off. 

She could hear a commotion behind her and it sounded like- 

‘Oh fuck no’, she breathed, turning around the survey the scene a little way along the shore. 

The others had turned around too at her whispered curse. 

‘Lily, don’t-’ Cynthia began, ‘You’ll just make it worse-’.

But Lily wasn’t listening. Rage was pounding in her ears and she was furious- why? Why couldn’t they just knock it off for five minutes? Why couldn’t they all just sit by the lake like civilized people for five minutes?

She stood, and without consciously telling her legs where to go, found herself storming up the lawn, just in time to see Severus gagging, choking on soapy suds that were pouring from his mouth…

‘Leave him ALONE!’ she yelled over the cheers and laughter of surrounding students, she was pleased to see some of them were looking shifty now, others were moving away entirely. 

‘All right Evans?’ James said, ruffling his hair casually, his voice going ridiculously deep. 

‘Leave him alone’ she repeated, her eyes narrowing to slits at James, who was looking wildly unconcerned by the entire situation. ‘What’s he ever done to you?’

‘Well,’ he began thoughtfully, ‘it’s more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean’.

Lily did know. She had spent the last four days wanting to hex Severus into a literal ball of slime- but she didn’t, because attacking him unprovoked would make her no better than him and his so called ‘mates’. 

‘You think you’re funny’ Lily said coldly, ‘but you’re just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone’.

‘I will if you go out with me Evans’ James said quickly, ‘Go on… Go out with me and I’ll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again’.

Lily gaped at him, ‘I wouldn’t go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid’ she spat, trying not to focus on how pleased Severus looked as she said it. 

‘Bad luck Prongs’ Sirius said, before turning back to Severus and crying ‘Oi!’ 

There was a flash of light and suddenly, Lily was horrified to see, James’ robes were splattered with blood. 

In a movement too fast for her to follow, one of the Gryffindors- Lily would never be able to tell who- had Severus dangling upside down by his ankle.

It took everything in her to repress a satisfied smirk when his graying underwear was put on show to the surrounding crowd. He had clearly forgone trousers today due to the repressive heat, and was now dearly paying the price. 

‘Let him down!’ she shouted, feeling that all of this had gone on long enough. 

‘Certainly’ smirked James, and Severus came crashing down to the ground in a heap.

‘ _Petrificus Totalus_ ’ cried Sirius, and Snape fell forward rigid as a board.

‘LEAVE HIM ALONE!’ Lily cried again, drawing out her own wand now, 

‘Aw Evans don’t make me hex you’ James said earnestly, 

‘Take the curse off him, then!’ she said, jabbing her wand towards him to make her point. 

James sighed deeply, then turned to Snape and muttered the counter-curse. 

‘There you go’ he said as Severus struggled to his feet, ‘You’re lucky Evans was here Snivellus-’

‘I don’t need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!’ 

It might have hurt less if he had crucioed her. 

She blinked stupidly, trying to process what he’d just said.

‘Fine’. She said stiffly, ‘I won’t bother in future. And I’d wash your pants if I were you Snivellus’.

It was petty- so very petty and beneath her but she couldn’t help but smile as he flushed at the taunt. She had spent so long, so long making excuses for him, standing up for him, and all along he had thought of her as a mudblood. 

‘Apologise to Evans!’ Roared James indignantly, his wand raised threateningly. 

‘I don’t want you to make him apologise’ Lily shouted, raising her own wand again, ‘you’re just as bad as he is!’ 

‘What?’ yelped James, ‘I’d NEVER call you a- you-know-what!’ 

Lily was looking at Remus now, who was very deliberately not meeting her eye. He was looking pale and wan- the full moon was only two days away and he must have been feeling terrible. He was her fellow prefect, he should have stopped this before it happened; but he was so afraid of losing his friends that he sat silent, letting them walk all over him. Lily’s stomach turned over and she span around the face James, her wand raised threateningly;

‘Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you’ve just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can - I’m surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK’. 

She turned on her heel and hurried away, before she could do something she might regret, like hexing them all into oblivion.  
‘Evans!’ she heard James shout after her, ‘Hey EVANS!’.

She didn’t turn back. Instead she marched right over to where her dorm mates were sitting, open mouthed and staring at the scene in front of them. She snatched up her things and muttered ‘see you later’, before hurrying back into the castle, her fingernails cutting into her palm and angry tears burning at the back of her eyes. 

*** 

‘We took it too far this time mate, you know it’ James was saying patiently as Remus stepped into the dormitory several hours later, 

‘You’re just pissed off that Evans shouted at you’ Sirius said, eyebrows raised, ‘you wouldn’t give a toss otherwise’. 

‘It was three on one’ 

‘It's always three on one’ 

‘People saw though; it wasn’t like when we prank each other normally- everyone was laughing at him’. James was looking shamefaced, nothing like the cocky, arrogant prat he’d been earlier.

‘Because he’s a great slimy git!’ Sirius said loudly, ‘You know as well as I do that if the roles were reversed he would have done much worse’.

Remus quietly sat down on his bed, sorting through the books in his bag as he toed off his shoes. He didn’t want to get involved in this- every fight they had recently was because of Snape. Him knowing Remus’ secret had changed everything, and Remus’ wasn’t ready yet to deal with the consequences of that; they still had one exam left after all.

‘He called Evans a- a- mudblood though’, James whispered the last word, revulsion clinging to every syllable, ‘I thought they were best friends?’. 

‘Not any more’ Remus said quietly, and the two dark haired boys span to face him, possibly noticing for the first time that he’d entered the room. 

‘What do you mean, “not any more?”’ James demanded, ‘What do you know?’. 

Remus sighed, wishing he hadn’t said anything at all. 

‘Lily’s known I’m a werewolf for nearly eight months’ he said, almost laughing at the identical expressions of shock on both their faces, ‘but she didn’t tell Snape because she knew how he would react’. 

‘How did she know?’ Sirius asked.

‘Same as you did- she worked it out and says it doesn’t matter to her’ 

‘That’s Lily though’ James smiled a little sadly, ‘She sticks up for everyone’. 

‘I’m not telling you anything else’ Remus said sternly, ‘She was there for me these last few weeks and I’m not going to betray her trust’. 

Remus felt desperately sorry for Lily- in one afternoon she’d been humiliated in front of half the school, had her best friend call her a horrid slur, and was now stuck on prefect rounds when he knew she would rather be studying. 

‘I’m going to find her’ James said decisively, ‘I need to apologise’ 

‘No, you want to go and flirt with her, there’s a difference’ said Sirius derisively. 

James blushed, ‘No, I don’t want to- why do you always make everything about me fancying her? I don’t’

‘Sure you don’t mate’ Sirius snorted, lounging back against his bed, ‘that’s why you asked her out this afternoon, yeah?’ 

‘That was to wind Snape up and you know it’ James snapped, rummaging around in his trunk- ‘Where the bloody hell is the map?’.

‘I think Peter took it’ 

‘Why?’ demanded James,

‘Something about a “special anniversary” with Cynthia, quite frankly I was too horrified to ask for details’. 

‘Urgh, how is it that Peter is the only one getting any action out of the four of us?’ 

‘Who says he’s the only one?’ Sirius said, sounding slightly affronted. 

James rolled his eyes, ‘Flirting with Sarah Falkenberg in Care of Magical Creatures absolutely does not count’. 

‘Yeah? Well neither does making doe-eyes at Evans’ Sirius shot back. 

‘Deer puns? Really?’ 

Remus rolled his eyes, ‘Lily is on prefect rounds’ he said loudly, checking his watch, ‘she usually likes to do the Transfiguration corridor last as it’s the closest to the tower, so she’ll probably be there in fifteen minutes’. 

‘You’re a lifesaver Moony’ James said, snatching his wand up from his bedside table. 

‘Just-’ Remus hesitated, ‘Be nice to her?’.

‘I’m always nice to her!’ 

Remus raised his eyebrows disbelievingly. 

‘Most of the time’ James amended, looking sheepish.

***

Somewhere between the Great Hall and the statue of Maximilian the Magnificent on the sixth floor, Lily felt her anger fade into misery. She had never been the self pitying sort, but this bone deep depression was impossible to shake. Even fighting with Petunia didn’t leave her feeling this unhappy- Petunia was family after all, and she knew that deep down, they loved each other really. 

But to have her best friend call her such a disgusting slur in front of all her classmates was inspiring self-pity in her that she had never thought she was capable of. 

‘Hi’ a quiet voice said behind her, and she span around so quickly the toe of her left boot caught on the heel of her right, and she stumbled straight into a suit of amour. 

‘Shit’ she panted, righting herself and glancing up, ‘You could warn someone Pete- you’re quieter than a bloody mouse’

‘More rat-like I’d say’ he said with a patented Marauder smirk, and she frowned. ‘I wanted to come and say sorry’ he said quietly.

‘You don’t have to-’ Lily began, but he cut her off.

‘I should have stopped them’ he looked shamefaced, ‘I know Remus thinks he should have to’ 

‘Yes’ Lily said frankly, ‘You should have’. 

‘I’ve never been very good at standing up for myself’ he said with a sad smile, ‘much less standing up for other people.’

‘Perhaps it’s time you learnt’ 

‘That’s what Cynthia says’

‘I’d listen to her, sounds like the most sensible thing she’s said this year’. 

He scowled at her and she held up her hands in surrender,

‘Sorry, sorry’ she sighed, ‘that was bitchy. It’s been a really long day’. 

‘I’ll say’ he said, ‘I’m sorry’

‘You already said that’

He shrugged, ‘I meant it’. 

‘It’s not your fault my best friend of eight years turned out to be a giant racist tosspot’ 

He snorted a laugh, ‘No, I guess it isn’t’. 

They had reached the staircase that lead back down to the main hall. Lily only had the transfiguration corridor left now, then she could go and collapse on her bed like she’d been dying to do all day.

‘You’re out after curfew you know’ she said slyly to Peter, ‘I could give you detention’. 

‘You could’ he agreed, ‘But I didn’t really want to have this conversation in front of a lot of people’. 

She smiled gratefully. She couldn’t understand why Peter worked so hard for Potter and Black’s approval- he was a wonderful person all on his own. Not as talented, and a little quieter, but he genuinely cared about people. 

‘Now, I’m off to steal some chocolate from the kitchens’ he said, tugging a worn piece of parchment out of his pocket, ‘It’s mine and Cynthia’s anniversary and I want to surprise her’ 

‘Your anniversary was in February’ Lily said, frowning.

‘I didn’t say what anniversary’ he said with a wriggle of his eyebrows, 

‘Urgh! Peter I don’t want to know!’.

She turned to head up the stairs and heard his laughter follow her all the way down the corridor.

***

He waited at the corner of the seventh floor corridor, his stomach churning. Had Snape deserved what they’d done today? Yes. He was a racist slimy tosser who couldn’t wait to join you-know-who and start murdering muggle-borns and people like his parents. Had Lily deserved it? Absolutely not. 

He didn’t fancy her- he didn’t. But he couldn’t deny that he was fascinated by her. She was clever and funny and kind. She could be the most popular girl in school and yet she never seemed interested in socialising with anyone outside of the classroom. Most people considered her a friendly acquaintance, being paired with her in class was always a relief, and yet James didn’t even know her middle name. He doubted, in fact, if anyone knew much about her at all. 

‘Oh James I am not in the mood’. 

He had been so lost in his thoughts that Lily had turned the corner and found him leaning there without him even noticing. She walked straight past him and he jogged quickly to catch up, keeping pace beside her.

‘I came to apologise’. 

‘That seems to be the theme of the evening’ she said, rolling her eyes, ‘But really it’s not me you need to be apologising to’. 

He swallowed thickly, ‘I know’

She quirked her eyebrows in surprise, but he continued, ‘but I can’t. I can’t apologise to him Lily- not when he’s-’ he stopped.

‘Not when he’s a racist, dark arts loving slime ball who called his best friend a mudblood just because he was embarrassed?’ she finished for him. 

James seemed to deflate, ‘I’m sorry’. 

‘He’s a prick, but you acted like one too’ 

‘I know’ 

‘You know he’s a prick or you know you are?’ 

‘I know I’ve been a bit of a prat lately’. Lily couldn’t help but smile at this, but it was hollow.

‘You’ve nearly knocked me out with the snitch three times this week while I’ve been studying, and you upset Remus so much after what happened last full moon and I’ve just been so angry and-’ she went quiet for a moment, ‘You might have been a prat lately but I was a cow earlier, so let's just call it even’.

He stopped walking and turned to face her, making a point of not noticing how nice her eyes looked today, even if they were rather red.  
‘What about Remus?’ he said, concerned, ‘Has he said something to you?’ 

Lily frowned, ‘I shouldn’t have said that- I shouldn’t be getting involved at all’ she looked worried now, gnawing on her bottom lip like she did when faced with a particularly difficult charms problem. 

‘No no’ James said quickly, ‘it’s good- Remus will never tell us if he’s upset, I like knowing there is someone looking out for him’. 

‘Has Black apologized yet?’ Lily asked, and James looked taken aback; ‘For what happened at the full moon last month?’ she clarified. 

‘How do you know about-? You know what, never mind’ he said at her amused expression, ‘Of course he’s apologized- he is really sorry’.

‘Has he actually sat Remus down and explicitly told him that he’s sorry?’ 

‘Well-’

‘Or has he just been telling you how sorry he is, and waiting for you to pass the message on?’.

James looked thoroughly miserable as he thought this through. 

‘Remus is still absolutely terrified that he nearly killed someone’ Lily said, who couldn’t seem to stop talking now that she’d started, ‘And then you all fell out and he had no one to talk to, and you and Black have been acting like absolute tossers, and Peter has been avoiding all conflict and spending all his time with Cynthia and then he was so miserable and stressed and lonely that he went back to hanging out with you even though Black still hasn’t apologized’. 

‘Sirius made a mistake-’ James started, but Lily was clearly getting angry again, and he took a tiny, cautionary step back. 

‘You don’t need to tell me’ Lily said, ‘I don’t give a fuck what goes on between you’ 

‘But-’

‘No, Potter’ She said sharply, ‘I care about Remus because he is a good friend and deserves much better than you morons, but you’re his friends too and I can respect that, as long as you respect him’. 

‘Okay- okay’ James sighed, tugging his hand through his hair, ‘I’ll tell Sirius he needs to apologize properly’ 

She studied him for a moment and James felt distinctly exposed, ‘Good’ she said finally, ‘Now, you’re out in the corridors after hours, I’m going to have to give you detention’. 

‘Aw no Evans!’ he said, looking at her with a horrified expression on his face. But as soon as he caught her eye she immediately dissolved into giggles. 

‘Oh Merlin’ she gasped, still laughing, ‘your face!’

‘That was a mean trick Evans’ he grumbled, trying not to smile, ‘A blatant and flagrant abuse of power’. 

She snorted, ‘Like you wouldn’t if they’d made you a prefect’ 

‘No one in their right mind would make me a prefect’ he said laughing, ‘I’d use my position to give detention to all the first years who get in the way in the corridors’ 

‘I’ve been tempted to do that myself’ she admitted, ‘I swear we were never that small and irritating’. 

‘You definitely were’ he said with a grin, ducking as her hand came up to cuff him over the back of the head. 

They’d stopped walking now, they could see the Fat Lady snoozing in her frame up ahead. 

‘I’m sorry I said you were no better than him’ she said quietly, not meeting his eye, ‘Just promise me you’ll stop hexing people for fun?’ 

He felt a funny little flip in his stomach as she said this, although he couldn’t for the life of him work out why. 

‘I promise’ he said, ‘Although Snape does hex me first a lot of the time-’ 

‘So turn the other cheek’ she said looking at him in the eye now. His confusion must have shown on his face because she added, ‘It’s a muggle expression, it means if someone hits you you shouldn’t retaliate, you should turn the other cheek and walk away’.

James nodded slowly, ‘I don’t think I can do that Evans’ he said, ‘I can’t let people like Snape walk away unpunished’

‘It’s not your job to punish them’ she snapped, ‘you’re sixteen for Merlin’s sake- if he attacks you, walk away and go to a teacher!’

James evidently looked flabbergasted at this, as she sighed again, looking long suffering and annoyed. 

‘I can’t just run to a teacher Evans’ he said fiercely, ‘there are no teachers to run to in the real world’ 

‘But we’re not _in_ the real world’ she said, ‘not yet’.

They walked slowly up to the portrait of the Fat Lady, who woke with a start and immediately glared at them for interrupting her nap.  
‘Facta non verba’ Lily said tonelessly, ignoring the way James was still gaping at her. 

The portrait swung open and they scrabbled through. The common room was crowded, everyone pouring over books before the last day of exams. James was immediately spotted by Sirius, who waved at him. James waved distractedly back and continued to follow Lily further into the room.

‘Evans I-’ 

‘I don’t want to talk about it any more Potter’ she said wearily, ‘I need to read over my Transfiguration notes and it’s already nearly eleven’.

‘Ok’ he said, running his hand through his hair agitated, ‘But again, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have hexed him and I shouldn’t have wound you up’ 

She smiled up at him from where she’d dropped into an armchair in the corner, ‘Thank you’ she said, ‘and I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have shouted at you, even if you were being a tosser’ 

She said the last bit with a grin, and James resolutely ignored the way his stomach flipped as he returned it and headed over to where his fellow marauders sat. After all, he absolutely _didn’t fancy_ Lily Evans.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! 
> 
> Trying to get back into the swing of writing regularly, and what better way to do that than to return to my favourite story? 
> 
> Enjoy!

When Lily Evans disappeared for three days before the Christmas holidays in sixth year, two people noticed. 

Severus Snape spent approximately six minutes staring at her empty seat in Potions before shaking his head and reminding himself it wasn’t his problem.

James Potter spent the entire of Transfiguration staring at the empty seat in front of him and wishing it _was_ his problem.

It took him seven hours and forty eight minutes to crack. 

‘You seem to be missing a red head’ he began, striding up to the sixth years girls huddled around the fireplace. Dorcas smirked up from her star chart in an all too knowing way before glancing around at her companions. 

‘About yay high?’ Cynthia asked, gesturing a good foot above her own head, ‘skinny thing with the complexion of a snowman?’ 

‘That’s the one’ 

‘She mentioned she might be going home early for Christmas a few weeks back’ 

‘Why? It’s not like her to miss classes’ 

Cynthia shrugged, ‘She didn’t say. I just assumed they were going on holiday or something’ 

James smiled and thanked them, heading back to where Remus and Peter were sat piling over their latest pile of Charms homework. 

There was a sick sort of feeling in his stomach- he knew, from experience, that the only reason a student would be permitted to leave during term time was a family death, or serious illness. Even he hadn’t been allowed to leave school and go to see his parents until it was almost certain they wouldn’t recover. 

James knew, really, that it wasn’t any of his business. Yes, he and Lily got on much better now he had stopped hexing people like he promised- at a push he might even call them friends- but she was a very private person. He still knew next to nothing about her, their conversations were always strictly about homework, or quidditch, or once, about how badly Sirius needed a haircut.

‘You look mopey’ Remus commented, twirling a quill around his long fingers.

‘I’m not mopey’ James said at once, ‘I’m brooding- it’s far more manly’. 

‘Fine, you’re brooding. Why?’

James shrugged, he didn’t want to have this conversation, particularly not around Peter, who would undoubtedly repeat everything to Cynthia. 

Remus rolled his eyes, inking his quill and resuming the essay he’d been writing before James sat down. 

‘You have a face like a smacked arse Prongs’ came Sirius’ voice a few minutes later as he strode up to the table, ‘It’s almost Christmas, cheer up!’

‘Lily is missing’ Remus said, not even pausing as he wrote. 

James felt the swift desire to kick him. 

‘Missing?’ Sirius looked confused, ‘I could have sworn she was in Charms earlier’

‘No, she’s been gone all day’ Remus said in a tight sort of voice, ‘Not that you would have noticed as you spent the entire lesson oggling Mary’s arse’. 

‘I did not’ Sirius started indignantly, ‘I was clearly absorbed and enraptured by the lesson’ 

Remus snorted, ‘Oh yeah? What’s the wand movement for the colour change charm?’ 

Sirius opened his mouth to respond but clearly didn’t know the answer, and instead turned his back on Remus and refocused his attention on James.

‘You need cheering up’ 

James shook his head slightly, still bemused at the exchange between two of his best friends. ‘I have a feeling you have a plan for that Padfoot’. 

‘You’re right, I do!’ Sirius bounced out of his seat, dog-like as ever, and whipped a piece of parchment out of his bag. 

James realised it was the map, and lent forward quickly to hide it from view as Sirius spread it over the table, nearly upending Peter’s ink bottle and causing Remus to grab his essay away before any harm could come to it. 

‘I solemnly swear that I am up to no good’ Sirius said, with a dramatic flourish of his wand, and immediately lines of ink began to spread and swirl, forming the corridors and classrooms that they had spent so long discovering. 

‘Is that-?’ Remus said quietly, leaning over the map with an incredulous expression on his face. 

Sure enough, hundreds of labelled dots were moving around the map, tracking every inhabitant of the castle in real time. In the far corner of the map, the dots labelled James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew were crowded around a small drawing of a table. 

‘You did it’ Peter breathed in awe, ‘You actually did it!’ 

Sirius was smiling broadly now, ‘I had to get a book out of the restricted section for my Charms project- it was right there on the third page, the Homonculous Charm’.

‘That must have been incredibly difficult’ Remus said, looking at Sirius as if he’d never seen him before. 

For once, Sirius seemed to be feeling modest; 

‘It took a few goes yeah’ he shrugged, ‘but I got there in the end’ 

‘We’re never going to get caught out of bed by a teacher ever again’ James said, finding his voice at last, ‘Sirius, this is brilliant’.

‘I figured we made good progress mapping the inside of the castle while we were here over the summer’ Sirius said, ‘I thought we could start on the grounds after new year? How are you at drawing trees Pete?’

Peter shrugged, ‘Can’t be any more difficult than the rest of the map’ 

‘Why not start over Christmas?’ James asked, ‘I don’t think very many people are staying, it’ll be like the summer all over again’ 

Sirius looked distinctly awkward now, ‘That’s the other piece of news’ he said, folding up the map again, ‘I’m not staying for Christmas’ 

‘What?’ James gaped, ‘Why not? Where are you going to go?’ 

‘I found a flat’ he said, avoiding James’ eye, ‘it's a tiny one room place above Mr. Mulpepper's apothecary in Diagon Alley’ 

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ James demanded, wiping the map with a quick tap of his wand, ‘I would have been helping you look!’. 

‘I know, I’m sorry’ Sirius said, ‘But I was using Alphard’s money and I know that you aren’t allowed your inheritance yet and I didn’t want to feel like I was rubbing your face in it’ 

‘Don’t be a moron Pads’ James snorted, ‘Just because my parents were old fashioned doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be happy for you- I’m glad Alphard left you something’. 

‘It’s not very much’ Sirius shrugged, ‘There’s barely room for furniture in there but it’s all mine, and Mr. Mulpepper said I can work in the shop over the holidays for some extra gold’. 

‘So you’re going to be here alone over Christmas?’ Remus asked James, ‘I’m sorry, if I’d have known I would have stayed, but I already told Dad I would go home’ 

‘Same here’ Peter said sadly, ‘My Mum’ll kill me if I don’t go home, she said she “hardly hears from me any more since I met that McKinnon girl”’. 

‘It’s alright’ James shrugged, ‘I’ve never had much trouble finding ways of entertaining myself- perks of being an only child’ he smiled wryly. 

‘We’ll write you loads’ Remus insisted, looking miserably at his friend, ‘Maybe we can get the Knight Bus to London and all go see Sirius’ flat one day?’ 

Sirius laughed, ‘You can try, but I wasn’t kidding when I said it was small, if you all want to sit down Peter will probably have to sit on someone’s lap’.

‘Why do I have to be the one sitting in someone's lap?’ Peter asked with mock outrage.

‘Because you’re the smallest Wormy’ 

‘By like two inches’ he puffed out his chest, ‘And Remus is skinnier, he should be the one sitting on laps’ 

James couldn’t help but notice that Sirius became awfully shifty before replying, ‘yes, but his arse is well bony, whoever had him on their lap would end up bruised’ 

‘That’s just rude’ Remus sighed, pulling his essay back out from where he’d stashed it, ‘I’ve been told I have a wonderful arse thank you very much’ 

‘By who, exactly?’ Sirius asked, his eyebrows practically reaching his hairline. 

‘None of your business’ Remus said primly- ‘Now, are we going to finish this Charms stuff or not?’.

***

It was fucking freezing in the car. Much colder than it had any right to be really, considering six months ago the entire country was in draught and it was so hot the tarmac was melting. She’d spent the summer sharing bathwater with Petunia and spending every possible moment at the Brooke’s house three streets over because they were well off and could afford to run their electric fans all the time. 

And now Lily was sat in her Dad’s old Ford Anglia, two pairs of school robes on over the top of the three thickest jumpers she owned, and she was still violently shivering, her fingers blue with cold. She had spent the last forty minutes debating if it was worth casting a warming charm, and then driving like hell before the Ministry could track her down and give her a warning for underage magic. 

She shifted uncomfortably in the seat, and the whole car groaned under the weight of all the boxes in the back. 

What in Merlin’s name was she going to do? 

She’d stopped crying now at least, the note Petunia had left taped to the door was crumpled up under the passenger seat- out of sight, but most definitely not out of mind. She could still recite it, having read it at least fifteen times before she had finally been able to absorb what it said.  
__  
Freak-  
Packed your things into the old car, I’ve taken mums new one. House has been sold, new owners moving in at the New Year, so you’d better have moved the car off the drive by then.  
I’m not telling you when the funeral is, I don’t want you there. Consider yourself un-invited to the wedding too.  
-P

So this was all Lily had left in the world. Her Dads old car and a few boxes of childhood trinkets. No family to speak of, except a half sister who refused to let her attend their own mother's funeral.

She briefly considered going to the Brooke’s house, like she had done so often during the summer when Petunia was driving her mad. But considering she had dumped David at the end of the summer, she very much doubted he would be pleased to see her. 

She could go back to Hogwarts? 

No. She shook her head against the very thought. She couldn’t go back to school like this- heartbroken and helpless. 

It was so unfair that she was just over a month away from being able to use magic. Although, she realised, using magic wouldn’t help much in this situation, except perhaps she would be warmer. 

Sleeping in the car was incredibly uncomfortable, but she managed. For nearly two weeks she slept in the car wherever she dared- more than once she was woken rudely by a policeman telling her she wasn’t to be parked there. 

After the first week of freezing her toes off every night and spending every day in any library, cafe or shop that had heating and didn’t kick her out; she went to the greengrocer on Horsham Road to ask for her holiday job back. She worked there nearly 50 hours a week over the summer, took every shift that no one else wanted, working herself into exhaustion most weeks. She’d scrimped and saved every penny for her school books, new robes and new cauldron ready for her sixth year. But they didn’t even hesitate before turning her down, and so she returned miserable and dejected to the car, counting out the little she had left.

After two weeks her savings had dwindled and her insides were gripped with hunger; she knew that she wouldn’t survive the rest of the holidays without some more money. With a heavy heart she opened her jewellery box, fishing out the pearl earrings her grandmother had left her, and a heavy gold brooch that had belonged to some distant aunt.  
With a little more money in her pocket and food in her belly things didn’t seem so dire. Instead, she began to plan. 

She could sell the car- it probably wouldn’t fetch much, it was 20 years old already and the pale blue paint was rusted and chipping away in places. She didn’t need many of her old beginnings, they were silly sentimental trinkets for the most part, she could whittle it down to a single box easily. 

And then- maybe she could get a room somewhere for the remainder of the holidays? Would anywhere take her? She wasn’t of age in the wizarding world or the muggle world- and she was so skinny for her age no one would ever believe her if she pretended to be older. 

It was Christmas Eve and Lily had decided to turn the radio on in the car- an indulgence she wouldn’t usually allow, for fear of draining the car battery. Snow had piled up against the windshield and all the windows, making the inside of the car feel cosy and secluded. She had even managed to fold some of her clothes into a decently comfortable bed in the back seat now that the boxes were gone, and for the first time in almost two weeks, Lily smiled, her eyes closed and her head lolling against the headrest as she sang loudly along to the song on the radio.  
__  
“Anybody could be that guy  
Night is young and the music's high  
With a bit of rock music, everything is fine-”

‘You know I have always found that Muggle music is often better than our own’ 

Lily didn’t scream, but it was a close thing. 

Her eyes flew open and she stared, open mouthed, her heart beating very fast, at the sight in front of her. 

Albus Dumbledore, clad in a magnificent emerald travelling cloak, was sitting in her passenger seat, his eyes twinkling at her behind his half moon glasses.

‘There was a song I heard over the summer about stealing car parts, I quite enjoyed that one. Wizards do have the tendency to sing sappy love songs and not much else’.

Lily still hadn’t quite found her voice. She was still stuck on the fact that her headmaster was sitting quite calmly in her rusting Ford Anglia- as if it were a daily occurrence. He smiled gently at her and tapped the radio with his wand, cutting off Dancing Queen just before the chorus. 

‘If there is one shortcoming that I feel Gryffindors often have’ He began, inspecting her over the top of his glasses, ‘it is their _pride_ ’.

Lily hung her head, tugging on a loose thread on her scarlet mittens. 

‘Miss Evans, there is absolutely no shame in asking for help when you need it’ 

‘I don’t need it’ she said suddenly, un-sticking her throat, ‘I can get by like this’

Dumbledore was giving her an appraising look, and she shifted slightly in her seat, feeling rather hot around the collar.

‘But you don’t have to’ he said, sparing a glance at the makeshift bed in the back seat. Now that she saw it through the eyes of someone else, she realised it did seem rather forlorn, ‘There is no reason at all for you not to return to school’

‘I can’t-’ she began, ‘I can’t sell the car. It was my Dads’.

‘My brother Aberforth owns a small barn on the outskirts of Hogsmeade, where he keeps goats. You can leave the car there’

Tears were filling Lily’s eyes against her will, and she dug her fingernails into her palms to stop them from spilling over. 

‘I didn't want anyone to see me like this’ she said horsely, ‘I wanted to have some time to sort myself out before term started’ 

‘There are only three students remaining at Hogwarts this Christmas. If you don’t wish to see another soul until classes resume on the third then you absolutely don’t have to’. 

Lily pondered this in silence for a moment, embarrassment and shame at being seen like this welling up inside her. She was better than this- she had known her Mother was ill, she had known her sister was a cow. There wasn’t any reason for her to go to pieces like this. 

And yet here she was, feeling as though her heart had been shattered and was splintering inside her. 

‘How did you find me?’ She asked eventually, ‘I’ve been really careful not to do magic, and I’ve been moving around all the time’. 

‘I have a friend who lives in this neighborhood’ Dumbledore said, and whatever Lily had been expecting, it hadn’t been that. ‘Arabella Figg- our mother’s were quite friendly when we were children’. 

Lily couldn’t really imagine Dumbledore as a child, but then, he couldn’t have just sprung into existence old, bearded and wise. 

‘Can I drive back to school?’ Lily asked, ‘I’d like the time to think’. 

‘Certainly’ he smiled, ‘Do try to make it in time for Christmas lunch- the elves are preparing more food than the few of us at the castle could possibly eat, we’ll need another person to help finish it all I think’. 

Lily smiled, twisting to buckle her seatbelt. ‘Would you like to stay for the drive Sir?’ she asked cheekily, winding down her window quickly to clear the build up of snow.  
‘No, thank you Miss Evans’ Dumbledore replied, ‘But I think you will be needing-’, he broke off, and with a swish of his wand the snow melted from the windscreen, and the car was suddenly filled with a gentle, comforting heat. 

Lily turned around in her seat to see that the back windshield was clear of snow also;

‘Groovy’ she grinned, ‘thanks si-’ but she turned to face the front again, and Dumbledore was gone. 

Smiling to herself, Lily turned the engine on, flicked the switch for the radio, and began to drive.

***

Although he had insisted he would be fine, James found himself incredibly bored approximately eight hours into the holidays. 

He finished all his homework, he wrote to all his friends, and eventually even the house elves shooed him from the kitchens, squeaking apologies that they really did have a lot of work to do. 

After an attempted game of solo wizards chess, (culminating in a very confused rook attempting to checkmate his own king), James began to visit Hagrid every afternoon for tea.  
‘There’s no shame in needin’ a bit o’ company every now and again’ Hagrid said over rock buns on the fourth day of the holidays. 

James, who had just cracked a tooth on one of the rock buns, had just nodded gratefully and accepted the giant milk jug Hagrid was handing him. 

While Hagrid was a very interesting person to spend time with, James did find himself sustaining an awful lot of creature related injuries in that first week. He got scratched by prickly bushes as he helped Hagrid collect unicorn hairs in the forest and got burned trying to feed salamanders. He did however, have to put his foot down one day, when he opened the kitchen cabinet to find treats for Hagrid’s puppy Fang and nearly had his hand taken off by a niffler. 

On Christmas day James woke feeling miserable. It was his first Christmas without his parents. Granted, Christmas had never been a big affair in the Potter household- his mother had come from a culture where Christmas wasn’t celebrated at all, and his father had never taken much notice of it either. Most years they didn’t even bother with a tree- just exchanged a present or two around the dinner table. Small though it had always been, they had always been together. 

James lounged in bed far later than he ever usually would. He debated going flying, or going to see where the secret passage behind the mirror on the fourth floor lead. But instead, he lay in bed staring at the ceiling, until the sun had fully risen. 

Eventually he was startled out his melancholy thoughts by a distinct tapping noise against the window pane. With a grin, he recognised Peter’s owl, and two post office owls he would bet were from the other two Marauders. 

He opened the parcel from Peter first, stroking absentmindedly over Thetis’ head while she hooted happily.  
__  
Prongs,  
I’m really sorry you’re by yourself for Christmas, but I reckon this will come in useful once we get back- we have the whole rest of the grounds to explore after all.  
Wormtail 

It was a compass. The packaging claimed that it would glow and lead you towards ‘treasure untold’ once activated with a simple charm. James’ turned it over in his hand, smiling. It would most definitely come in handy once they set about discovering the forest. 

Remus’ package was next, and the post office owl ruffled his feathers importantly and set off again as soon as he was relieved of his burden- which was a rather distinct shape and size. 

_James-_  
I know you’re probably thinking that a book is a crap Christmas present, but just bear with me here.  
I know Transfiguration is your favourite subject, and I know you don’t really study for it at school because you find it so easy, so I found you this.  
It’s the most advanced Transfiguration text on the market at the moment, it’s written by a guy who apparently built his entire house and furnishings from a single twig that he transfigured over 2,300 times.. I hope this finally convinces you to start studying…  
Moony. 

James gaped at the book, flipping through pages as though they were made of gold. Transfiguration was his favourite, and, much to Remus and Dorcas’ disdain, he had very rarely studied. It was something he was naturally very good at, unlike flying, which he loved but had to work hard for. 

Sirius’ parcel was next, and James felt apprehensive. Really, Sirius shouldn’t have bought him anything- he didn’t have the money now he had his flat, and James didn’t have any money to be giving gifts in return.  
_  
My **Deer** lightful and **Stag** eringly **Doe** cile Prongs,_

_Merry Christmas! I’m spending Christmas day with my delightful cousin and her offspring. Let me tell you, Nymphadora is an absolute terror. I haven’t had a quiet five minutes since I got here last night- she knocked my suitcase into the fireplace, somehow levitated my travelling cloak onto the roof and metamorphmagised herself to look like a miniature me- then stood over me when I fell asleep on the sofa so that was the first thing I saw._

_She is a Marauder in the making my friend, pranks of that calibre should not be performed by a three year old._

_I’m so proud I could weep._

_Anyway- I hope Christmas is alright at the castle, at least you know the food will be decent, I’m pretty convinced Andy is going to poison us all._

_I’m planning on having a little New Year’s get together at my new place now that I have some actual furniture in there._

_Let me know if you can make it!_

_Eternally **fawn** ’d of you-  
Pads. _

James opened the small box cautiously, sure it would be some kind of prank. Instead, he found a small key, with another note.  
__  
James-  
This is the spare key to my flat- you just need to use a special charm to use it, which I’ll teach you when I next see you.  
You can visit any time.  
Sirius.

James found himself grinning as he pulled on his jeans and trainers, pleased it was Christmas, even though he was alone. 

He headed downstairs to the common room, intent on visiting Hagrid to give him the Christmas card he had made. But halfway through the common room he froze, realising suddenly that he wasn’t alone.

Sitting on the squashiest arm chair by the fire, fast asleep with her head lolling against the armrest, was Lily Evans. In the low light her dark hair looked almost the same colour as the burgundy armchair- she was fully dressed in muggle attire, right down to jeans that were too tight to be fashionable, and heavy mens work boots. 

He crept backwards quietly out of the portrait hole and hurried down to the kitchens where he was greeted by some very harassed looking elves and the incredible smell of roasting turkey. 

‘What can we do for you today Sir?’ asked Bessie, bowing so low her nose touched the floor.

‘Could I just have a few breakfast things?’ he asked, ‘Just some toast and a pot of coffee. Oh, and a mug of hot chocolate’ he added as an afterthought. 

He hurried back up to the common room, ladened down with what the house elves clearly thought was a ‘few’ things. He was relieved to find Lily still asleep in the common room when he returned, and he walked quietly up to her, setting the mug of hot chocolate and one of the plates of pastry down next to her. He quickly checked his hair in the mirror over the fireplace and puffed his chest out slightly before leaning over the back of the sofa. 

‘Hey, Evans’ he said softly, trying not to startle her.

She blinked slowly up at him, clearly confused and disorientated. 

‘It’s nearly ten’ he said quickly, ‘I know you’re usually an early riser so I thought you might like breakfast’ 

She sat up slowly, and James got a good look at her for the first time in nearly two weeks. Her eyes were puffy and red, she had clearly lost weight that she really couldn’t afford to lose, her jeans were patched and frayed and there was a general sense of unkemptness around her.

‘Thank you’ she said quietly, pushing her lank hair from her face and not meeting his eye, ‘I didn’t know any other Gryffindors were here for the holidays’. 

‘Just me’ he said, ‘and the two Ravenclaw prefects from the year below- they wanted to use the library or something I think’.

‘Robert and Lillian?’ she replied, ‘Oh no they’ve been going out for months- I bet they just didn’t want to be apart’.

‘How come you came back?’ 

Lily looked very uncomfortable, so he added quickly, ‘if that’s not a rude question, I mean’

‘It’s fine’ she sighed, ‘you’re all alone here for Christmas too, so you must be in the same boat as me’. 

‘Oh’ James had expected it, obviously, but hearing it confirmed was something else- ‘Don’t you have a sister though? Couldn’t you have stayed with her?’

Lily looked at him suspiciously, as though he shouldn’t know that information; ‘She doesn’t like magic’ she said slowly, ‘she’s four years older than me and we don’t get on’. 

‘Oh’ James said again, ‘I’m really sorry’.

Lily just smiled, picking up the mug of hot chocolate and taking a deep drink and sighing contently.

‘Was- was it both your parents?’ She asked him, looking awkward.

He nodded, ‘Dragon Pox- nothing the healers could do’. 

‘I’m sorry too’ 

‘I’ve had a bit longer to get used to it’ he smiled wryly. 

‘It’s the first Christmas without them though, that must be hard’ 

‘Nah’ he shrugged, ‘We didn’t really celebrate Christmas. Mum came from a Hindu background and Dad was so absent minded sometimes he still thought it was June until Christmas day’. 

Lily looked confused, ‘I didn’t know that about you’ she said, ‘I guess I don’t know much about you’. 

‘Same goes for you’ James said, ‘I only knew you had a sister because I heard Snape mention her once’. 

‘Petunia and Snape hated each other from the moment they met’ Lily said sadly, ‘a bit like you and he did to be honest’.

James snorted, ‘I think I’d like your sister then’ 

Lily laughed, actually laughed, and it was the most wonderful sound James had heard in weeks.

‘You would hate my sister’ she said fervently, ‘she’s mean and rude and a bully’.

James didn’t know what to say to that, so he kept quiet, drinking his coffee and picking at his toast.

‘It was just my mum, anyway’ Lily said quietly sometime later, when both their plates were empty. ‘If you were curious. My Dad died a couple of years ago’. 

‘I’m- I’m sorry’, James said again, not really sure what he could say at this point. 

She smiled sadly and charmed their plates clean, stacking them neatly on the table. 

‘Do you want to come and visit Hagrid with me?’ James asked impulsively, ‘I’ve been going to see him a lot lately’

Lily looked pensive for a moment, but nodded. ‘I’m pretty tired from the drive though, so you might have to poke me to keep me awake’ she grinned.

‘Oh right’ James said, polishing his glasses on his sleeve, ‘You came on the Knight Bus? I hate that thing’. 

‘No- I drove. My sister left me the old car I learned to drive in’. 

‘You can drive?’ James asked incredulously, ‘Can you show me? I think it looks so cool but Mum and Dad would never let me try!’

Lily looked utterly bemused, ‘It’s not that difficult, it’s much easier than apparition’ 

‘But there’s all those buttons and things!’ James said, ‘What do they all even do?’ 

Lily was laughing now, reaching out her hand to tug James to his feet. ‘I promise I’ll show you sometime, if I get to have a go on your new Cleansweep Four. I’ve never owned a broomstick and I’ve only ever flown the school ones’. 

‘The school brooms are a travesty’ James said earnestly, trying very hard to ignore how his palm seemed to be burning where she had touched it. ‘They are so slow they barely even count as flying- you can absolutely have a go on mine’. 

‘I asked to have a go on Dorcas’ once’ Lily said, ‘But she practically beat me over the head with it because I went to touch it without washing my hands first’.

‘Ah, yes’ James smirked, ‘she is a bit overprotective of that broom… She worked two whole summers at Flourish and Blotts to save up enough money to buy it. She hated the job but wanted the broom, so it made her a bit crazy’ 

‘I’ll say- I haven’t dared ask to fly it since’ 

*** 

Lily wasn’t really sure what she was doing. She’d parked the car in Hogsmeade at four in the morning, and was so exhausted by the time she got to school that she had fallen asleep fully clothed in her favourite armchair by the fire. Then, she had found herself being fed breakfast by James Potter of all people, and was now sitting in a giant chair, clutching a mug of tea in Hagrid’s hut. 

James and Hagrid were chatting away, seemingly unconcerned by Lily’s less-than-talkative-mood. It was very warm in Hagrid’s hut. For the first time in days Lily had stripped off her scarf, mittens and heavy woollen jumper, leaving her in just her frayed jeans, sturdy boots and a t-shirt David had bought her at the Rolling Stones concert over the summer.  
She studied James over the rim of her mug (although it really was more the size of a soup bowl), and wondered how she had not noticed how tall he had gotten. His hair still stuck up in every direction, and his cheeks were still a little chubby, but he had grown at least four inches since the summer. He had always been shorter than Lily, but now they stood eye to eye, although she was still distinctly scrawnier. 

Turning her gaze upon Hagrid, Lily realised that she was in the company of possibly the only two other people in the school who knew what she was going through. Hagrid had told her years ago that his Mum wasn’t around, and that his Dad had died in his second year. And James had lost both parents in one foul swoop last term.

Smiling a little sadly, she put the mug down in front of her and tried to focus on what they were saying; 

‘-and I know that Dorcas really deserves the captain position next year when Abbott leaves, but then she would only be captain for a year and I think it’s maybe better for a team to have a captain for a long time-’ 

‘There’s no one on that team better than ‘er though’ Hagrid replied, ‘other than you- and you don’t wanna be cap’in any how’

James waved a dismissive hand, ‘Nah, being captain would take all the fun out of it, plus next year with NEWTs I need to get all O’s’ 

‘You don’t want to be Quidditch captain?’ Lily repeated, brow furrowed, ‘But you love Quidditch!’.

He shrugged, ‘Dorcas deserves it more- she could play for England after school, easily’ 

‘What do you want to do after you leave school?’ Lily asked, curious as to what required him to get all O’s.

He ran his hand through his hair in an embarrassed sort of way; ‘I’d like to be an auror, like my mum’. 

Lily blinked. That- that wasn’t what she’d been expecting. 

‘That’s really impressive’ she said sincerely, ‘I didn’t know you mum was an auror’ 

‘She joined right out of Hogwarts’ he said quietly, ‘she was one of the best. Was the head of department until a few years ago when she retired’ 

‘What subjects do you need to take?’ Lily asked.

And like that, James launched enthusiastically into an explanation as to which courses he would need to take, the grades he would need to achieve, and the sort of training you were given once you joined. Hagrid was looking between the two of them as they chatted, inexplicably beaming. 

‘I reckon lunch’ll be about ready now’ he butted in eventually- right has James had been detailing the sort of work aurors do on a daily basis. 

‘Thank Merlin I’m starving’ Lily said, picking up her discarded outerwear. 

‘You shouldda said somethin’!’ Hagrid said, ‘I still have a whole load o’ rock buns left!’.

Lily opened her mouth to say perhaps she could take some to have later, when she caught James frantically shaking his head at her from behind Hagrid’s giant moleskin coat.  
‘Maybe next time’ she said politely, and the three of them began to trek through the snow towards the castle.

***

After two helpings of dinner, three helpings of pudding and a new set of gobstones from a Christmas cracker- Lily felt distinctly happier. She yawned widely in the middle of a conversation about the Holyhead Harpies with Professor McGonagall, and stammering her apologies, went off to bed. 

Several hours later she blinked awake to find a black cat sitting on her chest, blinking balefully down at her.

On his collar was a note,  
__  
Lily-  
Up for a snowball fight in the grounds? You can send your answer back with Hades if you want to stay in bed.  
-James.

Lily lay deliberating for a moment, before getting up and dressing in her warmest cloak and boots, and heading down the stairs into the common room, where James sat, clearly engrossed in a heavy textbook. 

‘You named your cat after the God of the underworld?’ She asked, standing behind his chair to see what he was reading.

James jumped, slamming the book shut ‘Merlin Evans, I should get you a bell’ 

‘Hades though? Really?’

‘It wasn’t my fault’ he grumbled, ‘Sirius starting calling him that and now he won’t answer to anything else’. 

Lily raised her eyebrows, ‘is it the Marauder stand by to blame Sirius for everything that happens?’ 

‘Generally, yes’ 

Lily snorted a laugh and followed him out of the portrait hole and out onto the grounds. 

‘Now, I’m assuming the rules of a snowball fight are pretty standard?’ She asked, ‘Or are we allowed to use wands?’ 

‘You’ve never had a wizarding snowball fight?’ James asked with mock outrage, ‘Oh Lily. Lily, Lily, Lily…’ 

‘I’m sorry but can you imagine Snape running around playing in the snow with me?’ she retorted, a little more stung by his joke than she cared to admit. 

‘Well, I’m just going to have to teach you’ James said smugly, and suddenly a splattering of snow was dumped unceremoniously on top of her head. 

She spluttered and shook it off, ‘Oh I’m going to get you for that Potter!’ she shrieked, sprinting after him. 

Sadly, James was much better than her at Transfiguration. He managed to transfigure snowballs into glitter bombs that exploded over her head, into flocks of birds that chased her into one of the greenhouses and once into lily, which he somehow managed to stick to her head without her noticing. 

She didn’t take this lying down though, she managed to Charm her snowballs so every one that touched him dyed his hair a different colour, snowballs that multiplied every time they touched skin and ones that took on the consistency of a rubber ball and bounced repeatedly on his head. 

By the time the sun had set, Lily’s hair was plastered to her face with sweat and clumps of melting snow. Her stomach hurt from laughing and her arms and legs were weak with exhaustion. Lily and James trooped back to the common room, peeling of their soaked outer things and collapsing by the fire which was crackling merrily, toasting forks and tea things lay out beside it. 

‘Thank you for today’ Lily said, spearing a crumpet on a fork and handing it to James, ‘I think I needed someone to stop me from moping’ 

‘Moping is fine, for a little while’ James said, sticking the fork in the fire, ‘I know I did’ 

Lily poured herself a large cup of tea, watching with amusement as James set a crumpet on fire, panicked, and started rapidly blowing on it, apparently completely forgetting his wand that lay on the carpet in front of him. 

‘Your version of moping was turning into an absolute tosser’ Lily said, the realisation dawning on her, ‘that’s why you were such a git last term!’ 

James looked sheepish, still holding his slightly smoking crumpet, ‘Have I apologised for that enough yet?’ he said, ‘I know I didn’t exactly deal with it very well’

‘And Sirius?’ Lily asked, ‘Sirius told Snape to go down the tunnel… Because your parents died?’ 

James put the crumpet shaped lump of charcoal down onto the hearth. ‘What do you know about Sirius’ family?’ James asked after a moment. 

‘Not much- his brother is the Slytherin seeker isn’t he?’ 

‘The whole lot of the Black family has been in Slytherin for generations’ he said, and Lily nodded, ‘They believe in blood purity and all that rubbish. Sirius’ parents are second cousins. Sirius was technically “promised” to his second cousin Cassiopeia from the moment she was born’. 

Lily’s brow was furrowed, but James ploughed on: ‘They aren’t Death Eaters, his family, but they think You-Know-Who has the right idea. Sirius was practically disowned as soon as he was sorted into Gryffindor- and of course, he won’t stand for any of that blood purity nonsense’ 

‘I- I didn’t know’ Lily said quietly, ‘His brother is always hanging out with Snape these days - do you think-?’ she trailed off as James nodded. 

‘I know Sirius has tried talking to him, but Regulus is a little clone of his parents, he is a Death Eater in the making’ he said sadly, ‘He hasn’t forgiven Sirius for running away from home either, keeps saying he “broke his mother's heart”, which is a load of rubbish. I don’t think Walburga Black has enough of a heart to break’. 

‘He ran away?’ Lily asked, ‘When?’

‘Summer between fourth and fifth year- after You-Know-Who killed that muggle family down in Sheffield. His parents acted like it was some act of heroism, and that was the last straw for Sirius.’

‘Where did he go?’ 

‘My parents took him in’ 

Lily was quiet for a moment, turning her toasting fork over in her fingers, ‘It sounds like your parents were really great people’ 

‘They were’ James said firmly, ‘They didn’t even hesitate before taking him in. Most pureblood families are interrelated somehow, there are so few of us left. Sirius is actually my third cousin by marriage or something like that’. 

‘If there are so few purebloods left, I don’t understand what You-Know-Who is actually hoping to achieve’ Lily said, running a hand through her hair, before realising it was full of knots and bits of mud from the snow. 

James shrugged, ‘I don’t think even he knows- he can’t wipe out all half bloods and muggleborns, there would only be a handful of us left after that. Most people who claim to be pureblood are half bloods just pretending these days, it would be impossible to trace every single family tree back to the founders’. 

Lily was quiet for a lot longer this time. She had been trying so hard not to think about the war on top of everything else happening, but even she couldn’t deny it had been getting worse. She wasn’t the only one to notice either. Cynthia said she hadn’t heard from her sister Marlene in weeks, only a quick note to say she was alive but it was too dangerous to say anything else. 

‘Mary is talking about going into hiding’ Lily said quietly, ‘I heard her talking to Cynthia the other day’. 

‘Hiding?’ James looked surprised, ‘Why?’ 

‘She was attacked at school, James’ Lily sighed, ‘If she isn’t safe in the castle, she has every reason to believe she’ll be in even more danger once we leave’ 

‘But to just run away though?’

‘It’s not very Gryffindor of her’ Lily said, ‘That’s what you’re thinking, isn’t it?’ 

‘Well, yes’ 

Lily smiled wryly, ‘Mary is brave, and loyal, and a very kind person. But she’s not the most talented of witches. Even she knows that’. 

‘She could still stay and-’

‘And what? Fight?’ Lily snorted, ‘She would never make it into the Aurors with her grades, and it’s not like there is a wizarding army ready to take witches and wizards with mediocre exam results who are barely of age’.

James didn’t reply, chewing quietly on his toast. 

They sat in companionable silence for a while, both lost in their thoughts. 

‘What about you?’ James asked eventually, ‘What are you going to do?’ 

‘I’m going to stay’ Lily said, without a moment’s hesitation. 

‘How very Gryffindor of you’ he smirked, and she punched him on the shoulder, grinning. 

‘I thought I might try and become a healer’ she said, ‘I’m pretty good at Potions and Charms, I’d just have to bring my Transfiguration mark up to an O before NEWTs’ 

‘I could help?’ James offered immediately ‘Transfiguration is my favourite, but I could really do with some help in Potions’ 

‘I thought you were doing well in Potions?’ She asked, cocking her head to one side, ‘I haven’t seen you melt a cauldron since at least third year’ she grinned. 

‘That was one time, and it was Pete’s fault, he added too many lacewing flies!’ 

‘Blaming Pete instead of Sirius this time?’ She laughed, ‘Next you’re going to be blaming things on Remus’ 

‘Oh please, like Remus would ever leave himself vulnerable to take the blame for anything- people never believe it but he’s the worse of all of us’ 

‘You’re right’ Lily said, ‘I don’t believe you’. 

Sniggering at the outrage of James’ face she conjured a hairbrush and started trying to work the tangles out of her hair, wincing as it tugged at her scalp.

‘It’s true though!’ James was insisting, ‘You remember the prank last year with the nifflers in the Great Hall?’ 

‘Vividly’ Lily said dryly.

‘Entirely Remus’ idea’ James said, ‘In fact, the entire thing was pulled off by him. He only let us all in on it once the nifflers were in place and ready to go’ 

‘Really?’ asked Lily, ‘Why did he tell you if he’d already done the work?’ 

‘Because we’re all really bad liars- as soon as McGonagall started questioning us afterwards we all cracked’ 

Lily was laughing hard now, her eyes watering with mirth, 

‘So me, Pete and Sirius end up spending two weeks scrubbing Dungeon Six and Remus gets away with it!’ James finished indignantly, ‘He’s a terror, Lily!’.

‘You know what’ Lily gasped between bouts of laughter, ‘If you boys ever put your heads together and study rather than pranking people, one of you would probably end up as Minister for Magic’. 

‘Oh Merlin no’ James looked horrified at the very thought, ‘Can you imagine any of us in politics?’ 

‘Yet you want to join the Ministry?’ 

‘To do some good’ he retorted, ‘not to sit in an office and look stuffy and important’.

They were quiet for the longest time yet, and for the Lily suddenly realised how late it was- there were only twenty minutes of Christmas Day left. 

The truth was, she’d had a wonderful day. Just 48 hours ago she couldn’t have imagined laughing, or being warm and comfortable and full. She definitely wouldn’t have imagined doing any of those things with James Potter. But without other people around for him to show off to, without his other Marauders boosting his ego, he was just like her. Orphaned and trying to make the best of it. 

The fire was dying down now, casting a soft amber glow over both of them; it made his hazel eyes gleam with golden flecks and his tawny skin seem to glow with a soft light. He ran his hand through his hair, making it stick up at all angles. She smiled, and tried to repress the urge to lean over and smooth it down. 

‘Here’ James said suddenly, pointing his wand at the hairbrush she still had clutched in her hand. 

‘Uh-’ she started, moving away, but he caught her wrist gently. 

‘Trust me?’ he said, looking into her eyes earnestly, and she couldn’t help but incline her head. ‘Extendo’ he said, and the hairbrush glowed softly for a minute, and he passed it back to her. ‘Try it now’ 

‘Potter I swear to Merlin if this makes my hair fall out or something-’ 

He gave her an exasperated look, ‘Why would I do that? I happen to like your hair’ 

To her horror Lily felt her cheeks flush, and hastily grabbed the hairbrush in hope he wouldn’t notice. To her shock, is smoothed through her hair with no difficulty, leaving it silky and knot free with a single stroke. 

‘I’ll have to remember that one’ she said gleefully, moving the brush quickly now to get her whole head, bits of leaf and twig falling into her lap. 

‘It’s one of my Dad’s spells’ James said, looking rather pleased with himself, ‘Hair potions were kind of his thing’. 

‘Oh right, Sleekeazy’s wasn’t it?’ Lily said with an air of faint interest, ‘I remember Cynthia telling me it’s what she uses on hers’. 

‘Yeah, I wouldn’t use the potion though’ he said hastily, ‘stick with the charm’ 

‘Why?’ Lily asked, confused.

‘It’s been known to have some unusual effects on red hair’ he explained, ‘and although I believe you’d look good no matter what, I’m not sure bald is the look for you’. 

Lily blushed crimson and threw a pillow at him.

***

For four days James completely forgot to write to the other Marauders to thank them for their Christmas gifts- he was so caught up in making sure that Lily had the best holidays possible. Every morning he got up, dressed carefully, combed his hair and planned their next adventure. They went flying, explored several of the secret passages around the school that she hadn’t discovered, and on the 29th they crept through the tunnel to the Shrieking Shack so she could see it. 

‘So all those horrendous noises every month’ she began sadly, trailing her fingers over a set of obvious claw marks on the wall, ‘they’re all Remus?’ 

James nodded, watching her carefully as she walked around the room. 

‘It’s not just the transformation that hurts him’ he told her, ‘as there are no humans around for him to bite the wolf bites and scratches himself. They don’t teach us that in Defence Against the Dark Arts’ he said bitterly.

‘All those marks on him.. He does them himself?’ She asked, whirling around to face him, looking absolutely horrified. 

‘There’s no cure for werewolf bites and scratches. Even if you’re already a werewolf’ 

Lily sat down heavily on the bed, a cloud of dust puffing up around her. 

‘How- how can people hate him so blindly? Isn’t he already suffering enough?’ Her eyes looked distinctly watery, and James tugged his hands through his hair uncomfortably. 

‘I shouldn’t have brought you here’ he said, turning to leave, ‘it’s hard to see’

‘No!’ she said suddenly, catching his hand in hers, ‘I’m glad you did. I just wish there was something I could do for him’ 

‘You’re his friend’ James said, squeezing her hand, ‘That’s more than enough for him’. 

They made their way back down the stairs in silence, not realising until they reached the door that they were still holding hands. 

‘A-after you’ James stammered, flushing as he released her hand to step aside. 

Once they were back in the castle James suddenly remembered Sirius’ letter and swore, sprinting up to the dormitory to grab a quill and some parchment. 

He settled in the armchair by the fire, Lily sat at a table in the corner with her Charms homework.

‘Hey- Lily?’ James called, looking up to catch her eye. 

‘Mmm?’ She replied, engrossed in her work. 

‘Do you want to come to Sirius’ New Years Eve party?’ he asked in a rush. 

She looked up quickly, her brow furrowed, ‘I don’t know-’ she said, ‘I wouldn’t want to intrude..’

‘You wouldn’t be’ he assured her, suddenly very invested in the idea of her going, ‘Remus and Peter will both be there, so I’m sure Cynthia and Dorcas will be too’. 

Lily didn’t look comforted by that. 

‘I don’t know-’ she said again, ‘I haven’t seen anyone since-’ she broke off, looking back down at her work. 

‘No one knows’ He said gently, ‘I didn’t tell anyone’. 

‘Really?’ she asked incredulously, ‘I just assumed you would have told Sirius at least, so I thought everyone would know by now’. 

James shrugged, ‘It’s your business. No one will know unless you chose to tell them’. 

Lily looked pensive for a moment more, before nodding. ‘Ok, I’ll go. As long as you promise I won’t be intruding’.

James grinned widely, ‘Of course you won’t’ he said, before starting to write quickly.  
__  
Pads-  
Thanks for Christmas present. I hope you had fun with Andy and the littlest Marauder.  
I’ll see you on New Years Eve.  
I hope it’s ok; I’ve invited Evans. Don’t be a dick about it.  
-Prongs 

A strange knot of apprehension in his stomach, he hurried to the owlery to send the letter.

Maybe he could admit that he had a _tiny_ crush on Lily Evans. 

***  
Whatever Lily had been expecting from Sirius’ flat, it hadn’t been the run down, slightly mouldy building they were now standing in. 

‘Welcome to the house of disgraced Black!’ he announced with a flourish as he threw the door open, and Lily winced at the high pitched noise the hinges made in protest. 

‘This looks… cosy’ James said, walking through the door and into the open space. 

The flat was really one room, with a small kitchenette in one corner, a bed tucked in the opposite one, and a scruffy looking orange sofa sitting forlornly in the middle. 

‘Sod off Prongs I only moved in two weeks ago- I’ll make it look like home in no time.’ 

Lily smirked at Sirius’ defensive tone, who knew Sirius Black would be so house proud? 

‘Lily Flower’ He cried, as if spotting for the first time that she had entered behind James, ‘How delightful to see you!’. And he swept her up into a bear hug. 

‘Don’t call me that Black’ she said loftily, before breaking out in a grin and hugging him back.

‘Where are the others?’ James asked, taking off his cloak, ‘I thought we would be the last ones here. The Knight Bus stopped for everyone else before us’ 

‘That’s because you asked Ernie if he was sure he should be driving the bus in his old age’ smirked Lily. 

‘It was a perfectly legitimate question!’ James cried, ‘The man is ancient!’ 

Sirius was looking between the two of them suspiciously, ‘I told you seven Prongs because you’re always late. I told everyone else eight’. 

James looked outraged and was opening his mouth to speak when there was a knock at the door.

‘You see?’ Sirius asked, crossing the room, ‘Now _you’re_ the early ones’.

Lily was biting her lip to stifle her laughter at the shade of purple James’ face was turning. It reminded her horribly of the time she told Vernon Dursley she thought bell bottoms were perfectly acceptable work attire. 

‘Dorcas darling!’ there was a squeak of protest, and Lily saw a very disgruntled Dorcas being bundled up into a similar bear hug to the one Lily herself had received. 

‘Lily!’ She said in surprise once she’d broken free, ‘I didn’t know you were coming!’ 

Lily plastered on her best fake smile and said ‘I wouldn’t have missed it, I hear Marauder’s parties are famous’ 

‘Infamous more like it’ said Remus as he entered through the still open door- ‘I still don’t know what happened to my left trainer after Sirius’ birthday’. 

Lily laughed, rushing up to greet her friend and missing the look of confusion James was giving her. Remus pulled her into a tight hug, and out of eye shot of everyone else mouthed; ‘are you ok?’ 

She nodded imperceptibly and gave his hand a squeeze, ‘How was your Christmas?’ she asked, tugging him into the room. 

Eventually, all of those invited arrived. Peter and Cynthia were half an hour late and looked decidedly flushed- no one dared asked them why they were so late. 

‘Right then-’ Sirius said, rubbing his hands together, ‘What’ve we all got?’ 

Lily pulled a bottle of wine from her handbag, as did Mary. All the others had cheap brands of firewhiskey, except Peter, who pulled out a bottle of redcurrant rum. 

‘Well-’ Remus said, looking around at the collected alcohol, ‘this is going to end well’. 

Lily and Remus exchanged a glance that did not go unnoticed by the others. 

‘You aren’t at school now!’ Cynthia cried, pointing accusingly at them.

‘Yep’ Sirius said grinning, ‘No prefects in my flat!’ 

Lily shrugged, ‘Fine by me’, and in one smooth move uncorked her wine and took a deep drink, her movements mirrored by Remus next to her. 

The others all gaped at them, as they stopped drinking, clinked their bottles together, and fell about laughing at the look of incredulity on everyone’s face. 

‘Now it’s a party!’ Cried Sirius, as he copied them. 

Three hours later everyone’s alcohol supply was running low. Lily’s bottle of wine was ancient history and she was now sitting on the floor, sharing a bottle of firewhiskey with Sirius. The wireless was on, playing the new Hip Hippogriff’s song at top volume. Their fellow Gryffindors were dancing with varying amounts of skill. Peter was surprisingly good, whereas Mary seemed to mostly be just jumping up and down and singing along as loudly as her lungs would let her.

‘I’m sorry about your parents’ Sirius said, out of the blue while handing the bottle back to her. In her surprise, Lily fumbled and nearly dropped it. 

‘I know Remus wouldn’t have told you, and James said he didn’t tell anyone’ she said, trying and failing to keep the accusatory tone out of her voice. 

‘He didn’t’ Sirius said, ‘I sort of guessed’. 

‘Oh’ Lily said quietly, before taking another deep drink, ‘It was just my Mum actually’. 

‘How did it happen?’ he asked. 

It was the alcohol, Lily thought, that made her not mind him asking that. She hadn’t told James, not that he’d asked. He had clearly thought it was an insensitive question. 

Suddenly she found herself wanting to tell Sirius everything, having heard about his parents and his problems, she knew he would understand.

‘Leukaemia’ she said shortly, ‘She’d known for ages but she only told me in a letter just after term started’. 

‘That’s harsh’ 

‘She didn’t want to worry me’ Lily said, ‘But now my sister resents me even more for not being there to help take care of her at the end’. 

‘You have a sister?’ Sirius asked in surprise, struggling to sit upright, ‘I didn’t know that- how come she isn’t at Hogwarts?’ 

‘She’s a muggle’ 

‘Oh- oh right’ Sirius said, ‘It does happen though right? Magical siblings coming from muggleborn families?’ 

‘Yeah- Fiona Hill from Hufflepuff has an older sister who’s already left Hogwarts, and they’re muggleborn’. 

‘But your sister didn’t-’

‘No’ Lily said shortly. ‘We have different Dads. Wherever the magical genes came from, they must have come from my Dad’s side of the family- like the hair’ she smiled wryly, messing her hair so it fell in front of her face.

‘And she’s jealous’ Sirius said, showing he could still be uncannily perceptive half way to smashed at nearly midnight.

Lily shrugged, pushing her hair back again ‘Her Dad could never be bothered with her, and mine always preferred me’. She sighed, ‘I think finding out I was a witch was just the final nail in the coffin. She wouldn’t tell me when mum’s funeral is. She sold the house and left me with the old rusty car and no money’.

‘My brother is a wannabe Death Eater and my parents would rather I was dead than going around disgracing the family name’ Sirius said cheerfully, ‘You know, if that helps?’ 

Lily snorted a laugh, saluting him with the bottle, ‘Here’s to shitty families, and 1977 being a new year without them’. As though she had planned it that way, as she took a drink from the bottle the wireless announced, ‘HAPPY NEW YEAR!!’, and their friends were all suddenly bouncing around, kissing each other and grinning. 

‘Happy New Year Lil’ Sirius said, slinging an arm around her shoulders in a brotherly fashion, ‘May it be much better than the last’. He dropped a kiss on the top of her head and she grinned, looking up to try and catch James’ eye. He was smiling so widely at her his cheeks must have been hurting, and she winked at him, trying to ignore the way her stomach flipped when their eyes met. 

*** 

‘I think I’m dying’ 

‘Merlin and Agrippa Lily there’s no need to shout’ James said pathetically, covering his ears.

‘Seriously, this is the end of me’ 

‘I can’t possibly hear you because I think I’m already dead’

‘Do you have any hangover potion?’ 

‘Tragically, no’. 

‘Do you know how to _make_ hangover potion?’ 

There was a beat of silence, 

‘Also no.’

Lily sighed and flopped down onto the sofa next to him, pulling the blanket from the back of the sofa to cocoon herself in. 

‘This is Sirius’ fault’ she said decisively. 

‘Most things are’ James agreed miserably, groping around for his wand. He waved it in a vague motion towards the windows and the curtains flew across them to block out the glaring winter sunshine. 

‘How did we even get home?’ Lily asked 

‘Knight Bus’ James grunted from behind a cushion, ‘Luckily they aren’t too squeamish about people being sick on the bus’ 

‘Oh tell me I didn’t’ Lily said, her hand flying up to cover her mouth.

‘Nope. That was me’ 

‘Oh’ Lily said, biting her lip to stop herself from laughing, ‘You did try to out drink Dorcas’. 

‘And I will never be trying that again I can assure you’. 

‘Want me to get you some water?’ She asked softly, ‘The nice stuff from the kitchens, not aguamenti stuff?’ 

‘Yes please’ came the very pathetic reply. 

She patted a bulge in the blankets that she really hoped was his foot, and said ‘back in a minute’. 

Her head was pounding and she felt extremely sick thanks to the copious amount of whiskey consumed the night before, but Lily couldn’t help but smile all the way down to the kitchens. 

She collected a large jug of water and some plates of buttered toast from the houselves, and headed back upstairs. 

She was happy. Hungover, slightly hormonal and orphaned, and yet she was happier than she could remember being since the summer. She would have to stay at Hogwarts over Easter too, and then she could find somewhere to stay during the summer. She’d be seventeen by then, perhaps the Three Broomsticks would let her work as a barmaid in return for board in one of the rooms upstairs. She was clever, resourceful and tough, she would be fine. 

And once she turned eighteen she would be entitled to the inheritance her Dad left her- she didn’t need Petunia at all.

Plus having James around would be a great help, after all, they were in the same boat. Perhaps they could find somewhere together and-  
Lily stopped that thought almost as soon as it had begun. It wasn’t like her and Potter were all that close, really. They’d hung out for the last few days because there wasn’t anyone else around. As soon as classes started again they would probably go back to barely talking. 

The thought of it made her incredibly sad. 

She shook her head again as she approached the Fat Lady. It did her no good to be dwelling on it, after all, she absolutely didn’t fancy James Potter.


	3. Chapter 3

By the time the rest of the school returned the following evening, James had almost returned to normal, although he swore he was never touching fire whiskey ever again. 

He found himself reluctant for the rest of the school to come back, and not just because it meant lessons were starting again. He had enjoyed having Lily all to himself for the last week, and he wasn’t quite ready to go back to sharing her with everyone else. 

She was different when it was just the two of them, she smiled easily and teased and bantered freely. With everyone else she seemed to be putting on an act. The moment Dorcas had walked through the front door of Sirius’ flat, Lily had become School-Lily. She went from the fun, witty girl James was only just getting to know, to the quiet, reserved prefect she always was at school. 

‘Can I copy your potions homework?’ Sirius asked, interrupting James’ thoughts.

‘We’ve had two weeks! Why didn’t you do it?’ James said indignantly, sitting up against his headboard.

Sirius looked sheepish, ‘I took too many shifts at the apothecary- didn’t have time to get everything finished’.

James sighed, pulling the essay out of his school bag. ‘Don’t you dare just copy it word for word’. 

‘Like I would be that thick’ Sirius said, rolling his eyes, ‘Thanks though’. 

The door to the dorm swung open to reveal Cynthia, who ran straight over to Peter and threw her arms around him, ‘I missed you!’ she squealed, as Pete wrapped an arm around her to try and keep his balance and gave her a thoroughly non-verbal greeting.

‘Didn’t you see each other yesterday?’ Remus asked, tossing books out of his trunk carelessly.

‘Day before yesterday, actually’ Pete interjected without a hint of irony. 

The other three Marauders simultaneously made a cacophony of disgusted sounds, which Peter and Cynthia chose to ignore. 

***

Lessons resumed and Lily found herself surrounded at all times by her dorm mates, who seemed to have decided Lily was now a firm part of the group after their drunken shenanigans. 

It was nice, Lily thought, to be included. She’d never really had girlfriends before, unless you counted the two girls she used to walk to school with before she found out she was a witch.

She couldn’t help but feel like it couldn’t last, like friendship wasn’t something she was destined to have after Snape had shown his true colours. The girls chatted happily through breakfast, laughing at Mary’s impression of drunk-James, and Dorcas’ equally as uncanny drunk-Sirius. Potions was the first lesson of the term and Slughorn jovially spent 10 minutes telling them all about his holidays.

Remus and Lily sniggered their way through his story about meeting the entire of the Wimbourne Wasps in a pub, scrawled notes to each other on a scrap of parchment and charmed wads of parchment to bounce off the back of Sirius’ head. 

The last lesson of the day was Transfiguration with the Ravenclaws, and when Lily slid into her seat she heard from behind her;

‘Alright Evans?’ 

She turned to find James grinning at her, his eyes sparkling with the sort of mischief that usually landed someone in detention. She resolutely ignored the way her stomach seemed to have erupted with butterflies. 

‘Potter’ she smirked, ‘How nice to see you upright’ 

‘I can’t take any credit for my miraculous recovery’ he said in a low voice, leaning forwards over his desk, ‘I had this really wonderful Healer on hand- she nursed me right back to health’. 

‘Clearly drunk teenagers make good practice for when I’m a healer… Do you think I could write that on my application when I apply?’ She joked. 

‘I think you could… You could put me down as a reference, I’ll tell them all about your healing prowess’. 

McGonagall strode into the room before she could reply, calling for order. 

‘This term we will be focusing on some of the finer points of Transfiguration theory’ she began, and Lily had to stifle a groan. She had thought since first year that studying the theory of magic was the quickest way of sucking all of the fun from it. 

From behind her however, she heard James sigh, ‘Finally!’ 

She span around in her seat to give him an incredulous look, and he just stuck his tongue out at her. 

‘-you’ll start your project now and have them ready to present to the class at Easter. You will work on the project alongside your work in the classroom, although I will not assign any other homework while this assignment is going on’ McGonagall was saying, and Lily realised she was finding it very hard to concentrate… In fact it was much nicer to just gaze at the snow drifting in flurries past the window… 

‘-partnerships are as follows; Miss Meadowes and Mr Lupin, Miss Lewis with Mr Black, Miss Evans and Mr Potter, Miss McKinnon and Mr Donne, and Miss Dunbar and Mr Pettigrew’.

Lily jumped at the sound of her name and gazed wide eyed around the class to find them all staring at each other in horror. Not being able to pick your own partner for a group project was highly unfair, it looked like Cynthia was trying to silently hex Mandy Dunbar for having the nerve to have been partnered with her boyfriend. 

Dorcas was looking incredibly relieved, as was Remus. Sirius however, was blatantly ignoring Rosanna Lewis, who was now eyeing him like her Birthday had come early. 

‘You can move your seats around to sit with your assigned partner, I’ll be distributing the project guides momentarily’. 

Lily sat frozen for a moment, her sluggish brain trying to recall exactly who McGonagall had partnered her with. 

‘You know what Evans? If I didn’t know better I’d say you planned this’ James said, dropping into the vacant seat next to her, ‘You need to bring up your Transfiguration grade, and here we are’. 

‘Deflate that head of yours’ she retorted, ‘I think you could consider yourself lucky- it’s not like you got stuck with Rosanna’ she inclined her head towards the dark haired girl who was sitting practically in Sirius’ lap- seemingly oblivious to the fact he looked desperately uncomfortable. 

‘Ah’ James said, whipping his glasses off and polishing them on his sleeve, ‘that's true- I somehow doubt she’s going to contribute very much to the project’. 

‘How long before Sirius requests to swap partners?’ Lily asked, ‘I bet you five knuts he does it before the bell goes’. 

‘He’ll last at least a week’ James insisted, pushing his glasses up his nose with the knuckle of his forefinger, ‘He won’t want to hurt her feelings’ 

‘You’re on’ Lily grinned, flipping open her textbook and skimming it to try and look busy- ‘So what's the project on?’ she asked.

James broke out into a slow grin, ‘My, my Lily Evans… Were you not listening? What a fine and upstanding prefect you are. Really, you’re an example to us all’ 

‘Shut up’ she hissed, smacking him on the arm as he cackled, ‘I’m tired so I zoned out a bit’. 

‘We are going to be assigned one of the Five Principal Exceptions to Gamp’s Laws of Elemental Transfiguration and study it- and then we get to teach the rest of the class what we found out’. 

‘Oh Merlin’ Lily groaned, dropping her head into her hands, ‘This is going to take forever isn’t it?’

‘Oh ye of little faith’ James said, looking slightly wounded, ‘We’ll have it done in next to no time- as long as we don’t get the food law. That’s the really complicated one’. 

‘Mr Potter and Miss Evans’ McGonagall said, setting down a stack of paper on the desk in front of them, ‘The exception regarding the production and Transfiguration of food and drink’. 

‘Ah’ James said cheerfully as McGonagall strode away, ‘Perhaps I shouldn’t have said that’

*** 

Considering they didn’t have to take any exams this year, the teachers were certainly piling on the homework already. James sighed, scratching out the last sentence of his Herbology essay. He kept glancing up towards the table near the window, where Lily sat with Remus and Dorcas- both of whom were already starting on their Transfiguration project. 

He contemplated getting up to go and join them, but couldn’t help but feel he would be intruding. The lines between his and Lily’s friendship had become blurred after the holidays. Especially after the amount of firewhiskey they’d consumed at the party. A month ago they were classmates who occasionally had polite conversations- now they’d seen each other at their most vulnerable. He really hoped she didn’t remember the ten minute ramble about how pretty her eyes were after his fifth glass of whiskey. 

Suddenly Lily looked up, and caught his eye- he flushed scarlet and dropped his gaze back down to his essay, only to see he had managed to drip ink all over the bottom of the page. 

‘You could just come over and join us you know’ Lily said, dropping a heavy stack of books on the table a moment later, ‘instead of just staring at us from afar like a lost puppy’. 

‘I didn’t want to interrupt’ James replied, rubbing the back of his neck, abashed, ‘It looked like some serious discussion was going on over there’. 

Lily rolled her eyes, dropping into the empty seat next to him, ‘I think the two of them might be plotting to take over the world. Anyway, they told me to sod off because they wanted to keep their Transfiguration project a secret. Do you have time to work on ours now?’ 

‘Uh, sure’ James said, shoving his Herbology things to the side hastily. 

‘Good’ Lily said brightly- ‘So, why is food one of the Five Principal Exceptions to Gamp’s Law of Elemental Transfiguration?’ 

James took a deep breath, ‘Well’ he huffed, it’s because any item that’s transfigured is changed right down to the molecular level-’ 

‘This sounds sciencey’ Lily grumbled, ‘I didn’t think wizards did science’. 

‘For a long time they didn’t’ James smirked, ‘In the last ten years or so wizards have wised up though, whether you’re a wizard or a muggle you still live on this planet and it’s still made up of atoms and molecules and things. Wizards just have the ability to change and alter them much easier than a muggle can’. 

‘But some things on this planet are purely magical though- plants and things?’ 

‘Not necessarily- if you handed a muggle biologist a bunch of wolfsbane they would simply conclude it was a plant, made of the same things as any other rose, dandelion or bluebell’ 

‘But it’s a magical plant though- it has magical properties’ 

‘Yes, but only under specific circumstances’ James explained, ‘What do you need to do to all plants before they are used in the magical world?’ 

‘Mix them with something else’ Lily said slowly, ‘So the plant isn’t magical on it’s own?’

‘Magic is more of a catalyst for a reaction- changing one molecular make up into another’ James said, ‘A chair is just a chair until you transfigure it into a dog. Then it’s just a dog’. 

Lily was rubbing her temples and squinting at the book in front of her. ‘Why do you like this so much?’ 

James shrugged, ‘It’s fascinating to me, you can take anything in the world and turn it into something else’.

Lily began to skim through pages of her textbook, and James swallowed heavily as she leaned forwards, revealing a smooth portion of bare skin where she had removed her tie and loosened her top three buttons. 

James cleared his throat and averted his eyes before he was caught staring, ‘Anyway’ he said, running his fingers through his hair, ‘Food is one of the exceptions because if you’re conjuring it from midair, then it’ll be made purely of magic, which is fine if you’re conjuring a chair or something, but if you’re ingesting it it becomes dangerous’. 

‘So essentially you’re telling me that we have to work for six weeks on a project that comes down to “eating magic is bad for you”?’ 

‘Yeah that’s pretty much it’ James said cheerfully at the disgusted expression on her face, ‘I can almost smell the O already, can’t you?’ 

***

Three weeks into the new term and Lily was convinced she was going to murder James Potter before they made it to seventh year.

Trying to pin him down to work on their Transfiguration project after that first day had proven to be impossible- any time she was available he seemed to have Quidditch practice, any time he was free she was stuck on prefect rounds. Several times she had tried to organise meetings with him when she had known there was no Quidditch practice, because she’d checked with Dorcas, but James always fobbed off claiming he had “prior engagements”. 

She scowled, dragging her feet along the third floor corridor, wondering if McGonagall would let them trade partners this late. She hadn’t let Sirius swap though, no matter how much he’d begged. On the other hand though, she didn’t want to trade partners. She liked being James’ friend and if they weren’t working together any more they would have no reason to talk outside of class at all. Lily didn’t think she could bear that. 

This was exactly why she preferred working alone, she thought miserably checking broom cupboards along her route during prefect rounds. It didn’t matter that she got ridiculous butterflies in her stomach whenever James winked at her, or that he would sometimes bring her hot chocolate when she was studying late, or that he seemed to light up when he smiled… Nope. She didn’t fancy James Potter. He was an arrogant tosser who was going to make her fail Transfiguration at the rate they were going. 

She sighed, pulling open another broom cupboard, wondering how much of the project she could get done on her own- when she saw what was behind the door and yelped, shutting her eyes quick. 

‘Remus Lupin!’ She cried, covering her eyes with her hands and trying frantically to forget the sight of her best friend with his trousers around his ankles. 

There was the muffled sound of clothes being hastily thrown back on and a lot of swearing, then ‘Sorry Lily- we’re decent’ 

Lily dropped her hands and glared open mouthed and Remus and Benjy. 

‘The fact that you didn’t think to tell me about this’ she gestured widely between the two red-faced boys, ‘aside- I would like to think you would chose the locations of your trysts a little more carefully when you know I’m on rounds!’ 

‘Sorry Lil-’

‘Really we thought we’d locked it-’ 

‘It won’t happen again-’ 

Lily held her hand up and both boys fell silent. 

She massaged the bridge of her nose and spoke in a low voice, ‘On the fifth floor, in the broom cupboard next to the tapestry of the tap dancing trolls, there is a false wall at the back. It’s like the wall at Kings Cross- you just have to walk through it and there’s an extra storage space that seems to have been forgotten about’. 

‘Wha-’

‘If you happen to find yourself with nowhere to go sometimes I think you’ll find it’s a useful spot’ she said through gritted teeth, ‘Just promise me I won’t walk in on something like this again.’ 

Remus sighed in relief, ‘Thank you Lil- I really am sorry-’

‘Detention for both of you’ She said firmly, ‘I’m not being accused of showing preferential treatment just because you’re both prefects’. 

Benjy nodded, pushing his sandy hair away from his face, ‘That’s fair. I’d better, erm…’ He trailed off, gesturing in the general direction of the Ravenclaw common room. ‘I’ll see you later?’ he asked Remus, who smiled and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. 

As soon as Benjy rounded the corner Lily grabbed Remus by the front of his shirt and bundled him straight back into the broom cupboard. 

‘What on earth-? how long-? since when-? why didn't you-?' 

'Chose a question and stick with it Lil' Remus said with amusement.

'How long have you been seeing him?' She asked finally, still somewhat in shock. 

'Since November' 

'TWO MONTHS?' she cried, much louder than she meant to- 'why didn't you tell me?' she asked, dropping her voice. 

Remus scrubbed at the side of his face and shoved the hair back from his eyes- 'I didn't know how to tell you. I haven't told the boys either'.

'Did you really think any of us would care?' 

Remus shrugged, looking embarrassed. 'I don't know- it's not like it's a subject we've ever discussed before'. 

'Remus I didn't give a fuck when I found out you were a werewolf and you thought I would care that you're _queer_?' Lily asked, her eyebrows raised in disbelief. 

'No- I mean- I just hadn't quite worked it out myself yet... I was going to tell you eventually'. 

'I'm guessing this is why you dumped Elizabeth Mckenzie last year' she mused, 'I couldn't work out why you did- she's gorgeous' 

'No that's not-' Remus stammered, 'I dumped her because I thought I liked both and I wanted to try it- and it turns out I do'.

‘You like both?’ She asked- ‘Huh’.

‘Is that a _problem_?’ Remus asked sarcastically. 

‘No no’ Lily said hastily, ‘it's just er- me too’. 

‘What?’ Remus asked, open mouthed. 

Lily was blushing now, this wasn’t something she had discussed with any of her friends. Even Snape hadn’t known. She wasn’t the sort of girl to gossip about relationships or fancying people- so it had just never come up. 

‘Wait wait wait’ Remus said, holding his hands up, ‘Is that why you wouldn’t tell me what you were doing the night you found out I was a werewolf?’ 

Lily looked sheepish and Remus grinned, evidently delighted. ‘It is!’ 

‘I was seeing someone yes’ she said, her eyes glinting dangerously. 

‘Lily Evans you hypocrite! You were snogging a girl in a broom cupboard after curfew! Oh Merlin- please let me tell James. Please?’ 

‘Don’t you dare’ she hissed ‘You tell them about me and I’ll tell them about you’. 

Remus was trying to muffle his laughter by clutching his hands over his mouth, but his shoulders were still shaking with suppressed mirth. 

‘Lily I can honestly say it would be worth it to see their faces’ 

Lily had to concede the point- she had been tempted to tell the girls more than once just to see their reaction. She leant back against the wall of the dingy cupboard and sighed, ‘I’d tell them myself, but I’m not seeing anyone at the moment so it’s irrelevant’ she shrugged. 

‘Who was it?’ Remus asked, and Lily was surprised it had taken him this long to ask. 

‘Alice Greengrass’. 

‘Alice- Alice Greengrass?’ Remus repeated, ‘As in, last years head girl Alice Greengrass? As in the Alice Greengrass who is shortly about to become Alice _Longbottom_?’ 

‘How many other Alice Greengrass’ do you know Remus?’ 

‘No wonder you always got the best prefect shifts last year!’ he cried, and she couldn’t help but smirk. 

Lily shrugged, trying not to smile too widely, ‘She was sad after Frank dumped her to start Auror training and she was stressed out about her head girl duties so I used to stay after prefect meetings to help her…’

‘And then you found yourself magically attached by the mouth?’ Remus said dryly. 

‘You’re one to talk- how did this become a thing with Benjy?’ 

Remus scuffed his foot against a loose stone in the floor, the tips of his ears going red. 

‘Sirius’ birthday’ He mumbled.

‘I’m sorry?’ Lily asked, smirking- ‘Were you drunk, Lupin?’ she asked dramatically.

Remus sighed, rolling his eyes at her, ‘Yes, Lily. We were drunk’ 

‘Well isn’t that just going to be an adorable story to tell the grandchildren?’ she grinned- and if looks could kill she would have been stone cold dead from the way Remus glared at her. 

‘Its not- it’s not that serious’ He said hesitantly.

‘Well why not?’ She asked, taken aback, ‘You’re an adorable couple!’

‘You can’t exactly have a healthy and serious relationship while _literally_ in the closet’. 

There was a pause. 

‘How long have you been sitting on that one?’ she sighed.

‘ _So_ long- it’s a relief to have someone to tell, believe me’. 

They caught each others eye, and Lily couldn’t help herself any more- she started to laugh. Before she knew it they were both howling with laughter, doubled over and clutching at each other as tears streamed down their faces. 

‘I can’t believe’ Remus gasped, ‘You were snogging the head girl after prefect meetings’ he lapsed back into laughter as Lily smacked him round the back of the head. 

‘I can’t believe you’re snogging Benjy Fenwick in broom cupboards!’ She retorted, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. 

‘Oh Merlin I can’t believe the boys think we’re the boring ones’ Remus said, mopping his own face with a handkerchief- ‘The closest Sirius has ever gotten to snogging anyone was that game of spin the bottle they played at James’ birthday’. 

‘The one that got shut down by McGonagall right before Sirius’ turn?’ Lily giggled as Remus nodded. 

Lily shook her head, turning to open the cupboard door- ‘You are going to tell them, right?’ she asked, turning back to face him. 

Remus looked apprehensive; ‘I don’t know Lil- we have to share a dorm, blokes can be a bit weird about things like this’. 

‘You know as well as I do that they won’t care’ Lily said firmly- ‘I think you’re all prats 99% of the time, but I know you all better than you think; and they are definitely not going to care’. 

They walked in silence for a while, still smiling, their arms linked. 

‘I’m glad you’re friends with James now’ Remus said suddenly, ‘I think you’re good for each other’. 

‘What do you mean?’ Lily asked, her brows knitted together, ‘We’re friendly, yeah, but he’s still a pain in the arse’. 

‘He’s been trying harder since that day by the lake in fifth year’ Remus said, ‘I think he wants to make his parents proud, yes, but I think he wants you to think better of him too’. 

‘I’d think better of him if he would actually show up and work on our Transfiguration project for once’ she muttered.

‘He’s been really busy with this tutoring stuff lately’ he said in an offhand way, ‘Between that and Quidditch practice I don’t know how he’s getting all his homework done at all’. 

‘Tutoring?’ Lily asked incredulously, stopping suddenly, ‘I didn’t know he was tutoring!’ 

Remus frowned, turning to face her, ‘He’s been tutoring younger students who have a difficult time with basic Transfiguration- I thought you knew that? He runs sessions in the Library at 7pm every Monday, Wednesday and Friday’. 

Lily very slowly processed this information, beginning to walk again- ‘He didn’t tell me that, he always says he’s just “busy”; why would he lie?’ 

Remus shrugged, throwing an arm around Lily’s shoulders, ‘Who knows how James Potter’s mind works? And who would want to, for that matter?’.

Lily really hoped that Remus wouldn’t notice her blush- maybe she could admit that she had a _tiny_ crush on James Potter.

***

James was so tired he was struggling to keep his eyes open. 

He had never realised quite how exhausting it was to try and balance all aspects of school- he had only ever bothered with Quidditch and put just enough effort into his studies to get by. 

Sixth year was proving to be far more difficult- Abbott was so determined for Gryffindor to win the Quidditch cup in his final year that they had training every Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. He had volunteered to tutor the students struggling with Transfiguration every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, because it was the sort of thing his Mum would have done. Now it was half past midnight and James was desperately trying to finish his Charms homework- that was due first thing in the morning. 

'We've had two weeks to do that essay you know' 

James jumped so violently that he upset his ink bottle, splashing the cover of his textbook.

He twisted around in his seat to see Lily Evans perched on the window sill, studying him silently. She was wearing pyjamas emblazoned with the Gryffindor lion, that was scampering all over her top, chasing a small cartoon Quaffle. 

'I didn't realise anyone else was up' James said nonchalantly, grabbing his wand to vanish the spilled ink. 

'Couldn't sleep' she said- 'I was going to sneak down to the kitchens for hot chocolate'

'Well why are you still here then?' he asked irritably, blotting at a particularly stubborn bit of ink.

'Why didn't you do the essay over the weekend?' She countered, and he scowled. 

'I was busy' he said shortly. 

'Right' she replied slowly, 'Tutoring'

He looked up at her in surprise- 'How do you know about that?' 

'Remus'

'Oh' he said, looking down at his ink covered hands, 'Should have known'.

He'd been trying fruitlessly to convince himself he wasn't jealous all week. He wasn't jealous that she had such an easy, casual relationship with Remus, whereas they still found themselves having oddly formal, stilted conversations. 

He was happy for them. Really- they seemed good together. 

'I'll leave you alone then' She said, turning to go.

'No no' He said hurriedly, not wanting her to leave just yet- 'I'm sorry, I'm just tired'.

She lent over the arm of the chair and studied the essay he was writing over his shoulder. 

'The refilling charm ends in an 'e' not an 'a', and the wrist movement is a circle, not a zigzag', she said, pointing out the errors. 

James bit his tongue against the retort he wanted to make- 'Thank you' he said stiffly, leaning over to scratch out the offending sentences. 

She stood quietly and headed out of the common room without another word, and James threw down his quill, tugging his hands through his hair and sighing. He sat with his head in his hands for a long time- wondering how he could possibly balance everything he was doing successfully, wondering if his mum would even have wanted him to become an Auror. 

All he'd ever wanted when he was younger was to be just like his parents- they were kind and brave and stood up for what they believed in. Now he would never have any way of knowing if they would be proud of the choices he was making. 

He was so deep in his thoughts he didn't even notice the portrait hole creaking quietly open- until a steaming mug of hot chocolate was set down on the table in front of him.  
He looked up, startled, to see Lily holding out a plate of biscuits. 

He smiled, and to his horror, felt his eyes begin to fill with tears. He clenched his fist, looking down at his lap. 

'Thanks' he said gruffly- but Lily didn't reply, instead, she tugged his essay out from under his elbow and began to finish it for him. 

'You don't have to-' He said quickly, trying to take it back, but she pulled it further out of his reach and scowled at him. 

'You're trying to do too much' she said bluntly, 'I'll cover your tutoring sessions on Wednesdays, that'll leave you one night at least to do your homework' 

'But-'

'James Potter if you work yourself into an early grave before we get our transfiguration project done I will personally find a way to make your life very unpleasant'

'Shit' he said shortly, 'I forgot about the project'. 

'I know' She said, 'So I started without you'. 

'But Lily-'

'I didn't get very far' she cut him off before he could finish, 'I'm not good at Transfiguration theory'. 

'I'll help' he said, somewhat desperately, 'I promise I will- what day?' He grabbed the homework planner Dorcas gave him for Christmas and started skimming through the weeks trying to find just one square that wasn't filled with his scruffy writing. 

'Why are you doing all this?' Lily asked, 'You've always just breezed through classes, and other than Quidditch I haven't seen you take any extra curriculars in six years'. 

James didn't know how to answer. Lily wouldn't laugh at him, he was sure of that. 

'My parents never got to see me get my act together' He said, staring down at the table, 'When they died I was just a teenager who mucked about and was alright at Quidditch- they'll never get to see me as an adult- they'll never see me grow into someone they could be proud of'. 

Lily was silent for a long time, and eventually James had to look up, wondering if she’d fallen asleep or something. 

She was looking at him quizzically, her head tilted to one side and biting on her bottom lip. 

'I don't think that matters' she said finally. 

James' felt his stomach drop, and it clearly showed on his face as she hastened to add- 'I don't think it's more important than being proud of yourself' she said.

'Don't you feel like you have to make your parents proud though?' He said, 'To respect their memory, or something?'. Lily was still gnawing on her bottom lip. 

'I stopped trying to make my mother proud of me a long time ago' She said, 'I realised it's a lot more important to be happy with my own decisions'. 

'But-' 

'James you have always been one of the most arrogant berks I've ever known-' 

'Wow- don't sugarcoat it Evans, tell me how you really feel'. He said, scowling back down at the table. 

She sighed, 'You came to this school an arrogant little eleven year old because your parents raised you to believe you were the most special person in the world. Your parents were proud of you when you were an arrogant toe-rag making my life a living hell, do you really think they would be less so now you've been humbled?' 

'You've been talking to Remus' 

'James, you're working _so_ hard for the approval of two people who would have loved you if you couldn't tell one end of a broomstick from another and ran buck naked through the Forbidden Forest every full moon'.

James choked on his hot chocolate and quickly tried to turn it into a casual cough.

'I suppose so' He sighed, 'I just wish they were here to tell me I'm doing the right thing'. 

'Potter you've never wanted an adult to tell you what to do in your life, am I really to believe you started now?' 

James looked up again to find Lily grinning at him, and it felt like a punch in the stomach. In the flickering firelight in her pyjamas at one o'clock in the morning, Lily Evans was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. 

'Thank you' He said, swiping a biscuit from the plate, 'It's just- today, the 30th I mean, would have been my Mums birthday'. 

Lily laughed, and he looked at her in surprise, 'What?' 

'Oh nothing' Lily shook her head, smiling, 'Its just- it's my birthday today too'.

James immediately felt like a prat, 'Why didn't you say?!' He exclaimed, 'You have spent the first hour of your birthday listening to me complain'. 

'It's OK' She assured him, 'Really- I just like waiting up until midnight on my birthday, it was always tradition at home'. 

'Oh' James said, the realisation dawning on him, 'I don't suppose many people know it's your birthday'. 

She shrugged, not meeting his eye, 'It's not a big deal'

'Not a big deal?' He said, 'But it's your seventeenth! You're officially of age!'. 

'That doesn't mean much to me now' She said, 'You aren't legally an adult in the muggle world until eighteen, so I've got another year to go before I can claim my inheritance from my Dad'. 

'Me too' he said, 'I can't claim my inheritance until I've left school' 

'Why not?' she asked, blinking in surprise.

'My parents were very old fashioned in some ways' he said, 'No inheritance without a completed education- if I'd been a girl I probably wouldn't have been allowed it until I was married' .

'That’s barbaric!' Lily exclaimed, 'Did second wave feminism not reach the wizarding world?' 

'Second wave?' James asked, bemused, 'I don't think we ever got the first'. 

'But- we've had female ministers for magic!' Lily cried, clearly distraught over this revelation, 'We haven't even had a female cabinet minister yet!' 

'Cabinet?' 

'Oh never mind' she said distractedly, 'It doesn't matter- I just didn't know wizards were so backwards about some things’. 

James just shrugged, 'We write by candlelight and cook over open fires' he pointed out, 'even I know the muggle way of some things are better'. 

'Oh Merlin yes' Lily said, nearly upsetting her hot chocolate as she sat up suddenly, 'What I wouldn't give to be allowed to write in biro'. 

'Biro?' James asked.

'It's a pen a bit like a self inking quill- but the ink dries straight away so I don't end up with these smudges everywhere' she held up her left hand to demonstrate, and sure enough the whole side of her left hand was covered in dark black smudges. 

She rubbed at them almost absentmindedly- 'I don't even bother vanishing them any more, I just get in a mess again straight away'. 

'I'd never thought of that' James said, 'Being left handed must be a right pain in the arse'.

'You have no idea' Lily sighed dramatically, scratching out more of James' essay carefully. 

They were quiet for a while, the sound of the fire and Hades batting a wadded up ball of parchment around the only noises breaking the silence. 

'Here' she said eventually, once James' hot chocolate was all gone and he was thinking longingly of his warm bed upstairs, 'Just read over it so you know what I wrote' 

'How did you- did you forge my handwriting?!' he asked incredulously, scanning the foot long parchment.

Lily rolled her eyes exaggeratedly, 'It's an easy charm- I used it all the time to forge notes from my Mum'. 

'You know what Evans, sometimes I think you're on your way to becoming a criminal mastermind'. 

'I'm not making a habit out of this' she said sternly- 'I just need you to free up some of your time for this project' 

'Have I mentioned I'm sorry?' he said, 'Because I am'. 

'I know- Remus has been sticking up for you all week, don't worry'. 

At the mention of Remus James felt as though his stomach had dropped through to the floor. He really hoped they weren't dating. It was selfish to hope, because all he had ever wanted for Remus was someone who would look at him and not see wolf.

'Goodnight James' she said, smiling gently as she gathered up her own mug. 

'Thank you Lily' James said seriously, looking her in the eye. 

'It's just a Charms essay' she replied, looking slightly abashed.

'Not just for the homework'.

She took his hand in hers for a moment and squeezed, before turning towards the girl's dorms and disappearing down the stairs.

He picked up the completed essay, tucking it away in his bag with a smile. He could admit now, that he _absolutely_ fancied Lily Evans.

*** 

The following morning, Lily sat down for breakfast with her dorm mates, bleary eyed and exhausted. She had lay in bed until the early hours of the morning turning James' words over in her mind.

In all honesty she had never even considered trying to make her parents proud of her since they'd died. It was strange, she thought, to see the arrogant, pure blooded James Potter so humbled and unsure of himself. 

'Lily- have you got the Potions assignment from Slughorn from Friday?' Dorcas was asking, 'Was the essay supposed comparing moonstones or sunstones or just choosing one to write about?' 

'Both' she said quickly, grabbing the coffee pot, '28 inches of parchment comparing their uses in antidotes' 

'Bollocks' Dorcas said succinctly, 'I knew I shouldn't have taken Potions this year'.

'I did try to warn you' Mary said, 'I told you I saw it in your tea leaves last year'. 

Dorcas and Lily exchanged a side long look. Neither of them took any stock in Divination- both had taken exactly one class before dropping it like a bad habit and taken Arithmancy instead. 

'Do you really need Potions to be an Auror?' Cynthia asked, delicately stirring honey into her porridge- 'Surely there are more important things?'.

Dorcas shrugged, 'Knowing antidotes is probably the most useful part, plus being able to identify dangerous potions will come in handy'. 

'I didn't know you wanted to be an Auror' Lily said, frowning at the taller girl, 'Why didn't I know that?' 

'I only decided recently' she said shortly, 'Can't think of anything I'd rather be doing than catching evil scum like Voldemort'. 

Mary and Cynthia both gasped 'Dorcas!', and Lily rolled her eyes. 

'I really don't see the point of being scared of his NAME' Dorcas said crossly, conjuring a handkerchief and tossing it at Mary, who'd spilled half her cup of tea down her front.

'Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself' Lily said.

'How very philosophical of you Lily' Cynthia said dryly, helping Mary blot the worst of the tea from the front of her blouse. 

'Dumbledore said it in his end of term speech last year' She said, 'And I think he's right, if we refuse to say his name we're going to become even more afraid of the man himself, and that's all he is, a sick, twisted, _man_ '. 

Cynthia and Mary exchanged a dark glance, 'whatever you say' Mary said doubtfully. 

Lily concentrated on pouring more coffee into her mug, when suddenly there was the strangest sensation of something being crammed on top of her head. 

'HAPPY BIRTHDAY LILY!' several voices shouted in her ear, and she missed the mug, pouring black coffee over the white table cloth. 

Sirius, James, Peter and Remus were standing behind her, grinning. 

'Wha-?' she began, reaching up to tug at whatever had been placed on her head.

'No no!' Sirius exclaimed, 'You must not remove the birthday crown!' 

'Oh no' Lily said, realisation dawning on her.

'Oh _yes_ ' said Peter and Remus simultaneously.

The birthday crown had been invented in second year. Nearly two thirds of the students in their year had, on one or more birthdays, had the gaudy plastic crown charmed to their head for the entire day. 

Lily had thus far avoided the indignity. 

The girls erupted into conversation all at once, 'You never said-' 'I didn't know it was today-' 'Happy Birthday!'.

'You kept that quiet' Dorcas said, nudging her, 'You've never mentioned your birthday before'. 

'It was never a big deal' Lily said, blushing scarlet at the looks they were attracting from all around the hall. 

'Well this one is!' James declared, 'Wormy, if you will'. 

From seemingly nowhere Peter produced a large envelope which he presented with a flourish to a mortified Lily- 'Happy Birthday' he said with a grin. 

With a glance around to see who was watching (which was most of the hall at this point), she opened the envelope to find a beautifully made card. Across the front a Gryffindor lion was gamboling around in the sunshine, snapping at butterflies that danced across the page and changed colour as you watched. She opened the card to find it filled with small scraps of paper, each one covered in a different handwriting. 

The first she read was Remus'

_I hereby promise to take over one of Lily's Prefect Rounds on a day she is otherwise unavailable._

Peter's neat handwriting was next-

_I will personally ensure that no potentially disruptive Marauder pranks are committed on a day of your choosing._

Sirius' untidy scrawl was on the largest scrap of paper;

_I promise to help you hide a dead body with no questions asked whenever you may require it._

She snorted, turning over the last scrap of paper, which was covered in James' precise handwriting. 

_I promise to ensure that I leave enough time to help Lily with any and all Transfiguration related problems at any given time. (as long as she does the same for me with Charms)._

Lily tried to ignore the way her stomach flipped over as she read James' note, hyper aware that that he was standing so close that she could smell his ridiculous sandalwood cologne. 

Shifting the paper out of the way, she read the actual card, printed beautifully in Peter's handwriting.

_Happy Seventeenth Birthday Lily!_  
Please enjoy these Marauder coupons- which you can redeem at any time, but can only be used once.  
(I'm sorry for whatever Sirius wrote on his, he won't let any of us see).  
Peter, James, Remus and Sirius. 

She looked up to find all four boys grinning down at her, and she realised that she was smiling so widely she probably looked incredibly goofy. 

'Thank you' she said, looking at each of them in turn, 'This is very thoughtful'. 

She looked back down at the card, where the lion was now laying on his back, batting a bright purple butterfly backwards and forwards between his paws. 

'Pete did the drawing' James said, 'Sirius did the charm a bit too realistically though, so keep your fingers away from the lions teeth and claws'. Lily quickly moved her fingers away, not liking the way the lion eyeing them with interest. 

'So' she said, 'Any time, huh?' She held up the coupons. 

'Only to be used once though' Sirius winked, 'So make 'em count'. 

She tucked the coupons into her robes, winking at Sirius and trying to keep a straight face. 

She handed the card over to Cynthia and Mary, who were making cooing noises at the lion. 

'Is the crown necessary though?' Lily asked, reaching up to straighten it, 'We have lessons all day'. 

James made a scandalised noise, dropping onto the bench next to her, 'Of COURSE it is necessary! It is a sacred class of 1978 TRADITION'. 

Lily smiled wryly as they all nodded in agreement. 

'The crown stays' Mary said, 'We've got five missed birthdays to make up for!'. 

James nudged his leg against hers, grinning, 'Besides' he said, reaching out to tuck a lock of hair under the crown, 'it suits you'. 

She smiled back at him in an embarrassed sort of way, missing the raised eyebrows of the rest of their friends. 

‘Fuck!’ cried Remus, dropping the card and grabbing a napkin to stem the flow of blood from the tip of his right index finger. 

Okay, she thought, catching herself watching James as he laughed at Remus - she _definitely_ fancied James Potter. 

***

James tried not to read into the fact that Lily chose to sit with him for the rest of the day. He also adamantly ignored the butterflies he got every time he caught her eye or their hands accidentally brushed while sharing the same Fanged Geranium plant. 

Although he supposed it couldn’t really count as ‘accidentally’ when he was standing closer to her than was really necessary. 

He hadn’t expected praise or gratitude for organising her birthday surprise- honestly he hadn’t. But he had always felt that birthday’s should be celebrated- a belief that he had eventually also instilled in his fellow marauders. 

The girls were inconspicuously passing notes back and forth all day, much to the irritation of Sirius and Peter, who were desperate to know what they were talking about. Eventually in last period Charms, just as he was pulling his forged essay from his bag, a small parchment butterfly landed on his desk.

_Boys-_  
What sort of alcohol have you got stashed? Don’t try and tell us you don’t have any because we all know that’s bullshit.  
Between us we have three bottles of firewhiskey, a bottle of wine and a little tequila.  
That’s not going to get all eight of nearly as drunk as a seventeenth birthday party deserves  
-D+M+C 

James fought a grin as he scrawled a quick reply, 

_Girls-_  
Sirius is the keeper of all contraband substances, Dorcas should know that.  
Has anyone actually checked with Lily if she’s ok with a party? It’s a Monday after all- wouldn’t do to be hungover in lessons tomorrow. Especially those of us who are on track to being Head Girl…  
-J 

He quickly charmed the note into a Snitch and flicked it towards Dorcas, who flipped him off as she read it.

10 minutes later a small parchment bird landed in front of him as he tried to pay attention to Flitwick. 

_J-_  
I don’t know how you found out I’m up for Head Girl against Lily but you will keep it to yourself or I will be forced to ‘accidentally’ hit you with my bat during Quidditch practice.  
Whatever you do, don’t tell Sirius anyway, he’ll laugh himself sick.  
Sirius has agreed to relinquish the Marauder alcohol stash tonight, and I can’t really see Lily saying no to a party. She’s not nearly as stuffy as you think.  
-D 

There was absolutely no doubt in James’ mind that Dorcas would follow through on her threat- and he had been on the receiving end of her bat on one other occasion. Despite what Pomfery said, James swore his nose had never looked the same since. 

He’d only discovered Dorcas was in the running last week- he’d been under his invisibility cloak and had heard McGonagall and Sprout debating who would be best for the position. Of course, Sprout was pushing for a member of her own house, although both of the current Heads were Hufflepuffs. 

Honestly it didn’t make any difference to James- he only cared who got Quidditch captain after Abbott left, and he was rooting for Dorcas for that. 

He was, however, rooting for Remus for Head Boy. He couldn’t imagine anyone deserving it more. 

‘Mr Potter do pay attention!’ squeaked Flitwick, and James jumped, upending his ink bottle all over his homework. 

Flitwick hurried forward to fix the essay and James quickly attempted to save the rest of his belongings. He waved his wand desperately, catching Lily’s eye as he did so. She was biting her lip and snickering at him, and he was so distracted he somehow managed to vanish the leg of his desk. 

As all of his belongings tumbled to the ground in a puddle of ink, and Flitwick cried ‘Really Mr Potter!’, James looked up again to see Lily beside herself with laughter, her eyes sparkling and her hair tumbling free from her braid. 

He didn’t really care about his books anyway. 

***

By the end of the day Lily had to admit that it had been one of her best birthdays ever. Although she was a little embarrassed to be walking around with a crown on all day, her friends had stuck with her, laughing, joking and generally making it feel a lot less ridiculous than she’d feared. 

‘Right’ Dorcas said, rubbing her hands together over dinner, ‘We have a surprise for you’. 

‘I hope it isn’t another biting illustration, because that lion has destroyed my Potions textbook’ Lily replied, loading her plate up with beef stew. 

‘No it’s much better, although it may upset your prefect sensibilities’ 

Lily rolled her eyes, ‘Yes I’m sure I’ll be scandalised’. 

Dorcas grinned in a rather predatory manor- ‘Party in boys dorm tonight- we would use the common room but there are too many people around and we don’t want to run the risk of any 1st years swiping the booze’. 

‘Booze?’ Lily asked, eyebrow arching, ‘On school property? Dorcas Meadowes I am horrified’. 

‘Oh har har’ said Mary dryly, ‘We got you a bottle of firewhiskey as a birthday present, and I still have some hangover potion I swiped from my parents at Christmas’. 

‘What time?’ Lily asked, ‘I have prefect rounds and James has tutoring until 8’. 

At this there were a lot of raised eyebrows, ‘Oh James has tutoring does he?’ Mary sing-songed. 

‘I just meant-’ Spluttered Lily.

‘You just meant you have no interest in hanging out with all of us without him, we know’ Dorcas interrupted. 

‘No! I like-’ 

‘James’

‘No I don’t I just thought-’

‘Hush now Lily before you give yourself an aneurysm’ Dorcas said, sniggering. 

‘Meet us in the dormitory after your rounds at 9’ Mary said, ‘We’ll do disillusionment charms and sneak into the boys dorm’.

‘Can we even get up their stairs?’ Lily asked, ‘They can’t get up ours’. 

Dorcas and Mary both rolled their eyes at her, ‘You’ve gone six years without ever trying to go into the boys dorm?’ Dorcas said incredulously, ‘I’ve been going in there to prank them since first year!’. 

Lily scowled, ‘Why would I have ever tried to get in their dorm? Up until recently I never spoke to any of them except Remus’.

Mary shrugged, ‘It just seems like the sort of thing everyone does at least once’ 

‘And tonight you’ll get your chance’ Dorcas said decisively, ‘I have told Sirius that their room had better be clean or we’re all turning around and walking out again’. 

Lily wrinkled her nose, ‘Yeah I can’t imagine they’re particularly tidy’. 

‘They’re awful’ Dorcas said, ‘And that’s coming from me’. 

Dorcas was notoriously untidy. For someone so organised and concise in every aspect of her life, her living space looked like it had been decimated by nifflers. 

‘Sounds good’ Lily said, taking a swig of pumpkin juice, ‘But you’d better swear that you’ll share the Hangover Potion- I will not survive double potions tomorrow if I feel like I did on New Years Day’. 

‘There is enough for all four of us, don’t worry’ Mary said solemnly. 

Prefect rounds dragged by. Lily was inexplicably excited for the party. She’d never been much of a social butterfly, but that was more because of Severus than anything else. Now she had found people who wanted to spend time with her, who wanted to help her celebrate her birthday- and if the opportunity arose for a tipsy snog with James Potter then really that was just the cherry on top. 

Not that she planned on snogging him of course, she told herself as she applied lipbalm and stuck mint imperials in her jeans pocket. 

It was a precaution, that’s all. 

She took her hair down from the braid she’d worn all day, ditched her uniform and put on the nicest clothes she had. A pair of jeans and a floral blouse that had been hand-me-downs from Petunia. It didn’t quite fit her right, she was a little broader across the shoulders than Petunia and a little taller, so if she stretched she would reveal a strip of her stomach. Testing this out in the mirror she resolved not to lift her arms above her head all night, just in case. 

She ignored the way that Cynthia’s eyes swept over her slightly tattered jeans, and instead let Mary charm her eyelashes a dark brown and her cheeks a nice rosy shade. 

‘Is that all you’re doing?’ Cynthia asked, as she patted on another layer of rouge- ‘You can borrow any of our stuff if you like’. 

Lily shrugged, ‘I’ve got too many freckles for makeup to look natural- this is fine’. 

Dorcas smiled at her from behind the other two. Dorcas had never worn a scrap of makeup in her life- a fact the other two had been trying to change since sometime in third year.  
They quickly disillusioned each other, before tiptoeing down their stairs, across the common room, and up the boys stairs. Lily was the last through, shutting the door quietly behind her and waiting patiently for Dorcas to remove the charm. 

‘You’re late’ Sirius said accusingly, and judging by the volume of his voice, and the glass in his hand, he clearly hadn’t waited for them. 

‘Some of us actually brushed our hair and put on nice clothes’ Dorcas said, rolling her eyes at Sirius, who was lounging on (presumably) his bed, still in his uniform. 

Cynthia immediately flounced across the room to drop into Peter’s lap, leaving Mary, Dorcas and Lily to perch on the end of one of the beds. 

‘You tidied’ Mary said, ‘I’m impressed’. 

‘Well it’s a special occasion’ James said, rummaging in his trunk for something, ‘Couldn’t have you all showing up only to find the place in it’s usual disarray’. 

‘We live with Dorcas, I doubt anything would surprise us’. 

‘You liar!’ Sirius cried at Dorcas, ‘Meadowes I knew you weren’t as tidy as you always say!’. 

Dorcas threw Lily an irritated look, and she just grinned back at her. ‘She’s terrible’ Lily said gravely, ‘We failed our fourth year dorm inspection because of her’. 

At this there was an out cry from both Sirius and Dorcas;

‘I knew it-!’

‘We didn’t _fail_ -’

‘You’re a filthy liar Meadowes-’

‘She let us re-do it the following week-’.

Lily was laughing openly at the two of them now, they both looked indignantly up at the others and Dorcas sniffed in a dignified manner;

'Anyway - Happy Birthday'. She said smiling, as she handed Lily a bottle of Firewhiskey with a bow tied around the middle. 

'From all of us' Mary said from her position on the floor, 'Because what better way to celebrate the beginning of adulthood?' 

'Here here!' James and Sirius exclaimed, pulling out their own bottles from under one of the beds. 

'Now' Sirius began, 'Truth or Dare'.

'No!' Cried Remus and Lily at once, before catching each others eye and collapsing into giggles. 

'You ever feel like you're not in on the joke?' James said dryly to the room at large, as Lily blotted her eyes on her sleeve. 

'No games' Remus said, 'What's wrong with just drinking and talking like normal people?'

Sirius looked disgusted at the very thought.

James pulled a handful of paper-clips out of his pocket and began to transfigure them one by one into drinking glasses, handing them around the room. 

Lily tried hard not to be impressed by how nice the glasses were, and instead filled it to the brim with the whiskey.

Dorcas pulled the bow from the bottle and attached it to Lily’s hair, charming it quickly to match the colour of her blouse.

‘Instead of the crown’ she shrugged when Lily looked at her questioningly. 

Forty minutes later Lily was feeling pleasantly fuzzy around the edges. Everything was so much easier once they’d all had a drink- they conversation flowed, people laughed and joked and hugged like they never would sober. 

Lily was sitting on the floor, her legs stretched out and her head lolling on Remus’ shoulder as they laughed uproariously at the story of James and Sirius being chased by Muggle policemen. 

‘You lot are ridiculous’ Dorcas said, rolling her eyes at them, ‘I don’t believe half the stories that come out of your mouths’. 

‘It’s completely true I swear!’ James insisted, pushing his glasses up his nose, ‘And completely Sirius’ fault might I add!’

‘I don’t think it’s got anything on nifflers in the Great Hall at breakfast though’ Lily said, waggling her eyebrows at Remus. 

‘Who told you about tha-?’ He said, before pointing dramatically across the room to James, ‘Traitor!’

‘I was merely trying to prove that you are not as innocent as everyone thinks’ James said solemnly. 

‘Oh I think I already knew _that_ -’ Lily said, before Remus smacked his hand over her mouth. 

Six heads swivelled towards Lily and Remus, who were now having a small but violent tussle as Remus attempted to stop Lily from finishing her sentence while she fell about laughing. 

‘What on earth did you mean by that?’ James said slyly, an expression on his face that Lily couldn’t quite place. 

‘She meant nothing at all’ Remus said loudly, wincing a little as Lily licked the palm of his hand in an attempt to get free.

‘Well now Moony dear I don’t think that’s quite true’ Sirius said seriously, edging towards them. 

‘Yes I really think you should let Lily finish’ Peter smirked, scooting closer. 

‘It is awfully rude to cut someone off mid-sentence you know’ James remarked casually, leaning towards them in a very predatory way. 

The girls watched on, bemused, as Lily realised they were now completely surrounded. Suddenly, all three boys simultaneously pounced. 

During the resulting scuffle Lily found herself being sat on, bitten, and at one point, she was pretty sure someone licked her shoulder blade. 

‘Argh stop stop STOP!’ Remus cried, his voice somewhat muffled by Sirius’ armpit. 

‘Not until you tell us what she meant!’ James said, leaning down to tickle one of Remus’ feet. 

Lily, helpless with laughter, rolled quickly away from the pile of bodies and was quickly helped to her feet by Dorcas. 

‘Maybe you should just tell them Remus’ she gasped, clutching at her sides, ‘at the very least they’ll probably stop tickling you’.

‘Never!’ Remus said, ‘I will not divulge secrets under duress!’.

Lily took a hearty swig of whiskey, nearly spitting it back out again when Sirius’ foot slipped, catching Peter right in the crotch. 

Peter’s yelp, coupled with Cynthia’s gasp of ‘Oh Petey!’ was the final straw- Dorcas and Lily laughed so hard they practically had to hold each other up, still watching the struggle on the floor, which had now reached a stalemate. 

‘Oh for goodness sake’ Lily gasped, taking another swig of her drink, ‘Remus has been snogging someone in broom cupboards!’.

‘Traitor!’ Remus cried, as all three of his roommates suddenly let go of him in shock. 

‘Snogging-?’

‘Remus?’

‘What the fuck do you mean-?’

‘REMUS?’

‘Who one earth-?’

‘REMUS THOUGH?’

All three of them rose in volume until they were practically shouting in each other's faces, and Remus looked as though he could quite cheerfully strangle Lily to death. 

‘Who have you been snogging Moony dearest and why on earth haven’t you told us?’ Sirius asked in a simpering voice reminiscent of Sylvia Harris. 

‘It’s none of your bloody business, that’s why’. Remus grumbled, at the exact same moment Lily said ‘Benjy Fenwick’.

‘Lily!!’ Remus cried, looking dismayed, but Lily could tell he was secretly pleased his secret was out. Well, the non-furry one anyway. 

‘Caught them with their trousers around their ankles in a broom cupboard a few weeks back’ Lily said, pretending to swoon, ‘I’m not sure I’ve fully recovered’. 

‘That’s rich coming from the girl who was snogging Alice Greengrass after prefect meetings!’

‘At least we never got caught!’ Lily retorted, 

‘No, but you did get chucked over for _Frank Longbottom_ ’

Lily sniffed, ‘Again, I’ll remind you that I’ve seen you in your pants and therefore you have no room to judge me’.

‘You were sneaking out after curfew to snog the Head Girl, I will judge you all I want’ grinned Remus. 

Lily stuck her tongue out at him and went to take another drink- before suddenly realising the entire room was silent. 

James was looking between Remus and Lily like he was watching the progression of a particularly energetic bludger. 

Sirius was looking like he’d been hit with said bludger. 

Peter was cradling his crotch and whimpering. 

‘Well’ Lily said, ‘I suppose I did say I’d tell them about you if you told them about me, I guess the other way around is fine too’. 

They clinked their glasses together in a toast and sat on the end of Remus’ bed, waiting for their friends to regain their voices. 

‘Damnit’ Mary said finally, rummaging around in her pockets, ‘I fucking hate it when you’re right’ she said to Dorcas. 

Dorcas was looking extremely smug, and a moment later Mary smacked a galleon into her open hand. 

Lily’s mouth fell open, ‘Which of us were you betting on?’

Dorcas just smiled serenely, ‘Both’.

‘But we didn’t even see this coming-’ James said.

‘How the hell-?’ 

‘I swear if you’re lying about being a Seer Meadowes-’ Sirius began threateningly.

Dorcas just rolled her eyes at the boys who had all found their voices at once; ‘Unlike you I actually pay attention’.

‘I pay attention!’ James said indignantly, and everyone else in the room snorted into their drinks, ‘I do!’ 

‘It's not your fault’ Dorcas said soothingly, patting him on the top of the head, ‘They were very subtle’. 

‘So what gave it away?’ Remus asked, sounding genuinely curious. 

‘I saw you and Benjy at Sirius’ birthday’ she smirked, ‘you couldn’t keep your hands off each other’. 

Remus flushed, ‘We’d had a lot to drink’ he mumbled, ‘I didn’t think anyone would have remembered’. 

‘And Lily snuck out all the time last year, at first I thought you were meeting Snape’ she said, inclining her head towards Lily, ‘But then I got a letter from Frank about how Alice had taken him back and you were really grumpy for weeks’. 

‘You realised Alice had dumped me just because I was grumpy?’ Lily asked incredulously. 

‘Well’ Dorcas said, ‘That and the fact you’d been wearing really short skirts and actually brushing your hair’. 

Lily just gaped at her. Remus was sniggering next to her and she couldn’t help but elbow him in the ribs. 

‘Not a word Lupin, at least it didn’t take firewhiskey for me to summon my Gryffindor courage’. 

‘So-’ Sirius began, sounding rather dumbstruck, ‘You’re both queer?’ 

Lily shifted uncomfortably, not sure how to answer. Remus beat her to it:

‘We both like both’ he said with a shrug. 

The room went silent for a minute while everyone absorbed this, Lily became very interested in her drink to avoid making eye contact with anyone. 

‘Here’s to the great sexuality reveal of 1977’ Cynthia grinned eventually, holding her glass up, ‘Does anyone else want to share while we’re at it?’ 

‘I don’t like anyone’ Dorcas said bluntly, ‘Personally I have absolutely no interest in snogging anyone and I think you’re all bonkers’. 

‘Right’ Sirius said, ‘So some people in this room are having too much sex and some are having none at all’. 

‘And which category are you in Padfoot?’ Peter asked interestedly. 

‘None of your sodding business’ Sirius said, swiping the bottle of whiskey they were sharing out of his hands. 

‘That means it’s the second one’ James nodded, grinning. 

‘Shut up’ Sirius said, kicking him in the shins, ‘Now is this a party or not? Meadowes you haven’t even finished one drink yet’. 

Somewhere after the sixth glass of Firewhiskey Truth or Dare seemed like a much better idea than it had sober. Which is how Lily found herself sprinting down the Charms corridor with no shoes on at 2 o’clock in the morning. 

This is all Sirius’ fault, she thought to herself as she dove sideways through a door that was pretending to be a wall. She dashed down the corridor, took a hard left and quickly pulled back a tapestry she knew had a hidden alcove behind it. 

Only it was already occupied. 

‘Shove off Evans this is my hiding spot!’ 

Lily stood open mouthed at the comical sight of James Potter crammed into the tiny alcove, before the creaking of hinges from somewhere behind her spurred her into action.  
She dove into the alcove, shoving James against the back wall, and throwing the tapestry shut behind them. 

‘Lily wha-?’ he began, but she slapped her hand over his mouth- perhaps a little harder than she meant to in her haste. 

She hardly dared to breathe. James was towering over her in his shoes, whereas she felt very small and vulnerable standing barefoot on the cool stone. He was looking at her questioningly and she withdrew her hand, pressing a finger to her own lips just as footsteps began to echo down the corridor towards them. 

It was around the moment the footsteps drew level with them that Lily realised she was pressed chest to thigh against James Potter. If she moved even an inch backwards she would disrupt the tapestry and give away their hiding place, and the alcove was only just wider than James was, so there was no where to go. She glanced up and found James looking intently down at her- when had he gotten so tall? Barely one more inch and they would be kissing- she couldn’t help but lean up slightly- her head was fuzzy- what had she done with those mints? He was bending his head down towards her, she could feel the warmth radiating off of him, her hands were flat against his chest and she could feel his breath on her skin and - CRASH! 

‘SIRIUS BLACK YOU HOOLIGAN! I’LL BE TELLING YOUR HEAD OF HOUSE ABOUT THIS MAKE NO MISTAKE’ came the screeching voice of Argus Filch. 

Lily in her surprise, pushed away from James, overbalanced, and flew headfirst out of the alcove, taking the tapestry with her. 

She lay, dazed and drunk on the floor, trying to extract herself from the overlarge tapestry, as she saw Sirius Black sprinting past, her shoes on his hands, being pursued by an extremely irate Filch. 

Yep. She thought, this was definitely all Sirius’ fault. 

***

‘So who ended up with your shoes?’ Cynthia asked Lily over breakfast the next day, ‘Because Sirius said that Remus had them but then I saw Peter with _someone’s_ shoes’ 

‘Oh no, he had them’ 

‘Remus had them?’

‘No, Sirius did’

‘But why did Sirius have them?’

‘Something about dogs needing four shoes so they can wear them on each paw’ Dorcas said massaging her temples. 

‘He takes his name a bit literally sometimes doesn’t he?’ Mary intoned, pouring hangover potion into each of their mugs. 

‘You have no idea’ Dorcas muttered darkly.

‘Did you at least get them back?’ Cynthia asked Lily indignantly.

‘No’ Lily sighed, ‘I’m wearing my dad's old Doc Martens. McGonagall will have a fit if she notices’, she paused, before putting on a ridiculous Scottish accent and adding “ _Miss Evans if I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times, those are not appropriate school footwear_ ”. 

They mock toasted with their mugs before drinking deeply, sighing in relief as the headaches evaporated and the nausea subsided.

‘I’m going to need to replenish my stock soon’ Mary said ruefully, tipping the bottle upside down, ‘It’s not bloody cheap either’. 

‘I could try making some’ Lily offered, starting to wolf down her breakfast- suddenly ravenous. 

‘Is that hangover potion?’ came an outraged voice from behind them. Immediately they all tensed- sure a teacher had spotted them. Then reason caught up with their senses and they realised the voice belonged to one very miserable looking Sirius Black. 

‘Yep’ Dorcas said cheerfully, moving up the bench to make room for him, ‘Only enough for four people I’m afraid, and you didn’t make the cut’. 

‘But why not?’ he whined, laying his head down on the table, ‘I don’t deserve to suffer this way- I have double Care of Magical Creatures later!’.

‘Try not to puke on the flobberworms’ Dorcas said, patting his head.

‘Who’s puking on flobberworms?’ Peter asked, sitting down and stealing a rasher of bacon from Cynthia’s plate. 

‘All of us at this rate’ Remus said, dropping into his seat and immediately resting his head on his hands. 

‘You don’t even take Care of Magical Creatures’ Lily snorted.

‘I don’t care, I feel so horrendous I’m going to find a pile of flobberworms and throw up on them anyway’. 

‘That seems unreasonably unfair on the flobberworms mate’ James said, appearing suddenly in Lily’s eye line, ‘It’s not their fault you can’t hold your whiskey’. 

‘You’re one to talk’ Remus said, turning a nasty green colour and pushing the dish of scrambled eggs away, ‘Which of us spent most of this morning with their head in the bog?’. 

James waved a hand lazily in Remus’ direction, using the other to pour a large glass of water, ‘That was tactical my friend, now I don’t have to sit in lessons all day with my stomach full of booze’.

‘Well’ Mary said brightly, ‘Now that we’ve all been nicely put off our breakfast, maybe you can help work out where Lily’s shoes ended up’. 

‘Peter had them’ James said around a mouthful of grapefruit. 

‘No I didn’t, Remus did’

‘Nope, I had _your_ shoes’ 

‘Why did you have my shoes?’

‘Because you decided to go paddling in the lake and told me to hold them’. 

‘Well why did you keep them?’

‘You ran off with Cynthia and left me with them!’ 

‘So who had my shoes?’ Lily asked.

‘Sirius did’ Dorcas said patiently. 

‘Idunumpfh’ came Sirius’ muffled reply, head still firmly on the table. 

‘Black’ Lily said slowly, ‘We took our shoes off to paddle in the lake with Peter, right?’

A general noise of assent was all the answer she got. 

‘And I told you to mind my shoes while I tracked down Peter after he ran off with Cynthia?’ 

Another grunt. 

‘And then you dove in the lake to hide after Flich nearly caught you’. 

Silence.

‘Sirius Black, did you throw my shoes in the lake?’. 

They all sat in dead silence for a few moments, staring at the top of Sirius’ shaggy head. 

Then, quietly- ‘Shit’. 

And in a movement faster than any of them would have believed possible in his state, he threw himself off the bench and sprinted out of the hall at top speed- pursued by one extremely irate Lily Evans. 

***

‘At least it was only your eyebrows’ Peter said helpfully a few hours later, ‘I honestly thought she might have finally made good on her threat to hex your balls off’. 

‘My face is lopsided’ Sirius moaned, choosing to ignore him, ‘Don’t any of you know how to grow them back?’ 

‘Aren’t you supposed to be the brilliant one?’ Remus enquired dryly, ‘Surely you can figure out a hair growth charm’.

‘Of course I know the bloody hair growth charm’ Sirius snipped, ‘But she cursed them off, there’s no way a regular charm will work!’

‘So maybe just ask her nicely and she’ll grow them back for you?’ Remus suggested.

‘Maybe offer to replace her shoes?’ Peter added, ‘Seeing as it is your fault they ended up in the lake in the first place’. 

‘You’re the one who wanted to go paddling’ Sirius muttered darkly. 

James continued to ignore them, covertly glancing up from his textbook every few minutes to glimpse at Lily, who was helping Dorcas with a Potions essay.  
Sirius, irritated at being ignored while he was bemoaning the loss of his eyebrows ( _they’re my third best facial feature Moony!_ ), started to pelt James with whatever small items he had to hand. 

After being hit in the face by a rubber, two quills, one of Peter’s socks and a packet of Droobles, James finally snapped- ‘What?’

‘Tell Lily to grow my eyebrows back’. 

‘Why the fuck would she listen to me?’ He asked irritably, not meeting Sirius’ eye. 

‘Because she has been making eyes at you from across the room every time you’re not looking’. 

‘She has?’ James immediately perked up in his seat, puffing his chest out and rumpling his hair. 

Sirius looked at him incredulously, ‘Of course not you berk, she thinks you’re a prat’. 

‘Oh’ James immediately deflated again, and Sirius caught Remus’ eye, trying not to laugh. 

‘Have you actually asked her out?’ Remus asked tentatively, ‘Other than the day by the lake?’ 

James sniffed, trying to look casual, ‘Who?’.

‘The giant squid’ Peter said, rolling his eyes, ‘Who the fuck do you think, Prongs?’ 

‘Oh har har’ James said dryly, ‘And if you mean Lily, we’re just friends’. 

All three of them stopped what they were doing to stare at him with raised eyebrows until he raised his hands in surrender.

‘She’s not interested in me’ James said, his stomach turning over as he recalled the near kiss, ‘She just thinks of me as a mate’. 

Sirius and Peter sighed and opened their books again- but Remus spent a long moment staring at James, then across the room to Lily, and then back to James. Slowly he began to collect his things, still fixing James with the occasional scrutinising look. 

He stood, and said ‘Ask her out’, before sweeping across the room to join Lily, who was now alone. 

‘Wait, what?’ James asked, ‘What do you know?’ he cried at Remus’ retreating back, drawing the attention of several first years. 

He scowled down at his homework and tried to resist the urge to look over to see if they were talking about him. 

‘Aren’t you supposed to be at Quidditch practice?’ Sirius asked some time later.

‘No it’s only Monday’ 

‘It’s Tuesday mate’. 

‘Shit!’ James grabbed his bag and sprinted out of the portrait hole, mentally berating himself the whole way down to the pitch. He’d never forgotten a single Quidditch practice for as long as he’d been on the team. 

He’d like to be able to tell himself it’s because he’s got a lot on his plate. Or even because he was hungover. But in reality he knew if was because a certain red head had been occupying his thoughts all day. 

The whiskey induced nausea had nothing on the way his stomach simultaneously clenched and flipped every time he thought about the moments they were behind the curtain. Another centimetre and they would have been kissing. She’d looked like she had wanted to- she’d been the first to lean forwards, he was sure of it. But they’d been drunk and stupid and how was he supposed to know if she would ever have done that sober?

‘You’re late Potter’ 

Abbott only ever used last names when he was angry, which, coupled with the fact James was sweaty, out of breath, and the entire team was glowering at him, made him wish the ground would open and swallow him whole. 

‘I’m sorry I just-’ He started breathlessly. 

‘No excuses Potter’ Abbot snapped, ‘Robes on and then you owe me twenty laps on foot’. 

James barely repressed a groan, forced his face into a pleasant smile, and began tugging on his robes. 

***

Lily was in serious danger of nodding off against the wall of the library at any moment. Madam Pince had told her to wait ‘just a second’ while she retrieved the book Lily needed. However, that was 10 minutes ago and her patience was definitely flagging. 

‘Lily?’ came a lilting voice from behind the self she was leaning on, ‘are you ok?’ 

Lily span around to face the owner of the voice and smiled, ‘Hi Sarah, yeah sorry- just waiting for Pince to bring back the book I need’. 

‘McGonagall asked me to look for you’ the Hufflepuff said, pulling a roll of parchment out of her bag, ‘She’s calling a meeting for all school prefects who are of age’.

Lily frowned, taking the note, ‘What about?’.

‘It’s gotta be something about the war’ Sarah said, dropping her voice and throwing furtive glances around them, ‘Why else would she only want to see those of us who are of age?’

‘But what about Remus?’ Lily said, ‘He’ll be seventeen in just over a month, will he get an invite?’ 

‘I don’t have one for him’ Sarah said, shifting through the papers in her bag, ‘but I know Cassandra McMillan hasn’t got one and she turns seventeen in April’. 

‘Do you want a hand passing those out?’ Lily asked, but Sarah just smiled.

‘I’m ok thanks, I see most of the others in Astronomy club later anyway’.

‘I’ll see you tomorrow then’ Lily said, checking over the letter, ‘In the staff room?’. 

Sarah waved and disappeared around the corner the moment Madam Pince finally slammed the heavy Transfiguration text down on the desk. 

Lily carried the book up to the common room, torn whether she should tell Remus about the meeting or not. In the end, she resolved to see what it was about first. 

The next day seemed to drag by as she waited for 7pm to arrive. She barely tasted her food, didn’t raise her hand in class and was so absorbed in what the meeting could possibly be about that she didn’t even notice James flicking paper clips at her head for a good ten minutes of Charms. 

She arrived at the staff room at exactly 6:55pm, having told her roommates she was going to the library. It was already full, the six prefects from the year above, the head boy and girl, and four of her fellow sixth year prefects. Lily smiled briefly at Benjy and Sarah and took a seat at the back of the room.

McGonagall looked very tense as she swept up to the front of the room, the other teachers immediately paid attention to her and the students followed suit. 

‘I’m sure you’re wondering why I have called this meeting outside of your regularly scheduled prefect meetings, but the subject matter is very delicate and I thought it best to discuss it with those of you who are of age before alerting your fellows’. 

The room was deathly quiet- it seemed as though no one was breathing in apprehension, even the staff seemed utterly bewildered as to what they were all doing there.

‘As you will all no doubt know, the wizarding world is at war’ She began shortly, ‘What many of us do not realise, however, is how serious the situation is outside of these walls’. 

Lily drew breath- stealing a look around at her classmates. Matilda Burke was very pale, her short dark hair sticking up at random angles where she kept running her hand through it anxiously, her fellow Ravenclaw Richard evidently wasn’t seventeen yet, as he was notably absent. Sarah Falkenberg was sitting on the edge of her seat, evidently enraptured by every word, her pale eyes sparkling with interest while her co-prefect Andrew Carr looked like he’d rather be anywhere else in the world. Neither of the Slytherin prefects were of age, which explained their absence. 

‘Dumbledore is the only wizard You-Know-Who is afraid of’ McGonagall continued, ‘And as such, he has left the school alone up until now’ 

Lily’s stomach suddenly clenched in fear, and she noticed the Head girl Karen surreptitiously clutched at her boyfriend's hand. 

‘We’ve been made aware of a plot to try and lure young students to You-Know-Who’s side, we know that they aren’t specifically targeting Slytherins or Purebloods, but rather anyone they can convince to join them’. 

Lily could have laughed in relief, this was hardly news to her. 

‘Dumbledore is going to be leaving the school for a while’ McGonagall said, ‘He feels his duty is to try and put a stop to this war before more lives are lost, and while he is gone we must remain extremely vigilant in case those fighting for You-Know-Who see it as an opportunity to attack’. 

‘How long will he be gone for?’ Karen asked, pushing her glasses up her nose and sitting to attention, ‘Will everyone know that he’s gone?’ 

‘We are going to attempt to keep his absence as quiet as possible’ McGonagall said, ‘I would prefer that only the prefects know, to reduce panic among the rest of the students. As for how long, we don’t know’. 

‘What is Dumbledore going to be doing while he’s gone?’ Professor Sprout asked, looking concerned, ‘Won’t it be dangerous for him to be by himself?’

‘I’m afraid I can’t tell you that Pomona’ McGonagall said gently, ‘Unless he tells you himself I’m afraid I’m sworn to secrecy’. 

‘Will you be telling the other prefects soon?’ Lily asked, ‘Or only once they turn seventeen?’. 

Several heads turned to stare at her, she very rarely spoke up in prefect meetings, and often they all forgot she was there at all. 

‘You’ll be wanting to share all of this with Mr Lupin as soon as possible I suppose?’ McGonagall asked, looking over the top of her glasses, and Lily nodded stubbornly.  
Matilda shot Lily an encouraging grin, clearly desperate to share the news with Richard too. 

‘Your next prefect meeting is on Friday, yes?’ McGonagall asked, and they all nodded, ‘I will attend and inform your classmates of the situation- although perhaps not the fifth years, I think they have plenty to worry about without this on top of it all’. 

Lily gnawed on the inside of her lip, trying to stop herself from resorting that they all had lots of other things to worry about too. 

‘I expect you all to be highly efficient at your duties’ McGonagall said sternly, ‘It is more important than ever that students are not out of bed after hours, and not straying into the Forest or off the grounds’. 

‘Perhaps’ Flitwick began slowly, ‘The elder prefects could be granted additional powers? They can grant detentions with a teacher's signature now, but perhaps they should also be allowed to dock points?’ 

McGonagall seemed to mull over this in her mind for a moment, ‘Students do often feel more punished when points are taken away than by detentions’.

‘That power could very easily be abused though’ the seventh year Slytherin girl said, ‘How would we know who is using it fairly?’ 

‘An excellent point Miss Dearborne’ Slughorn said jovially, ‘It would only be too easy for another student to dock points to give their house the edge!’ 

McGonagall studied the assembled prefects over the rim of her glasses, ‘You were all chosen to be prefects because you are hardworking, fair and I trust you to follow the rules, I don’t believe any one of you would use your prefect powers for you own gain’. 

Valerie Dearborne continued to look doubtful, her dark brow furrowed over suspicious eyes and Rebecca Williamson, the seventh year Ravenclaw was also looking concerned. 

‘While I appreciate the trust’ Rebecca said, fiddling nervously with the end of her necklace, ‘Perhaps there should be some kind of system in place for the teachers to monitor the number of points being awarded and deducted’. 

Lily couldn’t help but silently agreeing with her, she definitely didn’t trust a good half of her classmates enough not to fudge the system a little. Hell, she might be tempted if she knew she wouldn’t get caught. 

‘Maybe we can use the same system for docking points as we do for issuing detentions’ Karen suggested, ‘It’s more paperwork for the head students, but we don’t mind, and I’m sure next year’s won’t either’. 

‘After discussing it on Friday with your fellow prefects we will have a trial period’ McGonagall said decisively. 

‘Miss Dearborne and Mr Vance, can you please pass on the message to your sixth year prefects’ Slughorn asked, ‘And Miss Burke and Miss Evans can tell their partners too of course’ he added kindly.

The assembled students took this as a dismissal, and all rose to file out of the staff room together. Rebecca had moved on from fiddling with her necklace to tugging on the end of one of her bright blue pigtails. Karen was gripping David’s hand so tightly it must have been hurting and Valerie was fiddling with the silver clasp of her cloak. For a moment, they all stood at the bottom of the stairs, not separated by house, but a group of teenagers scared and in over their heads. The Hufflepuffs broke off first, Karen, David, Sarah and Andrew said their goodbyes and hurried down the corridor that lead to the kitchens, whispering to each other in frantic voices. 

The two seventh year Slytherins said goodbye next, Valarie smiling warmly at them before tugging Vance away by the sleeve. 

The two seventh year Gryffindor prefects had never had much time for Lily, and it seemed that wasn’t about to change as they began to head towards the tower without a single glance back at where she stood with the Ravenclaws. 

‘Well that was all very cloak and dagger’ Benjy said, as they all began to traipse up the stairs, ‘Does anyone else get the feeling there was more they weren’t telling us though?’

The rest of them nodded, ‘It seemed like they were telling us just enough to be on our guard, but not everything that they know’ Rebecca said, tripping a little on one of the trick steps.

Matilda reached out to steady her, nodding her agreement, ‘It seems like they don’t want to scare us, but honestly I’d rather they just told us the truth’. 

‘It’s scary to think there might already be death-eaters-in-training in the castle though’ Benjy said with a small shudder, ‘I mean, the people we’re in class with today might be out murdering muggle-borns during the holidays and we would just never know’. 

Lily wondered, not for the first time, how on earth Ravenclaws ever got anything done when they were often so blissfully unaware of their surroundings. 

‘Mandy Dunbar threw herself down the astronomy tower staircase did she?’ Lily said dryly, and the three of them started, evidently so wrapped up in their thoughts they’d forgotten she was there. 

‘I’d forgotten about that’ Benjy said, looking shamefaced, ‘They never did prove who pushed her though’. 

‘Fenwick’ Lily said shortly, ‘There were seven eye witnesses who swear they saw Nott push her- but his father is one of the governors, they’re not going to expel him, he’s a pureblood’. 

Matilda scowled, evidently trying to look intimidating which was difficult seeing as she was the shortest of the group. ‘Not all purebloods are out to get you Evans’ she snapped, ‘Perhaps they didn’t expel him because there really wasn’t any proof’. 

‘I know he’s your cousin’ Lily said patiently, ‘And I know not all purebloods are like that, but aren’t you Mandy’s friend? Shouldn’t you believe her account of what happened?’

‘She had her back to whoever it was’ Matilda said stubbornly, ‘She couldn’t be sure of who she saw’. 

It looked for a moment as though Benjy and Rebecca were going to agree with Lily, but instead Rebecca said hastily, ‘Oh look, we’re going this way- bye Lily!’, and tugged Benjy and Matilda down a corridor hidden behind a suit of armor. 

***  
‘Lily you could at least pretend to be listening to me’ James sighed, wadding up a piece of parchment and flicking it at her. 

‘Yeah’ Lily replied, nodding vaguely. 

‘I mean I really am carrying you on this project’ he sighed dramatically, jabbing his wand at the aforementioned piece of parchment. 

‘That sounds like a great idea’ she muttered, turning her quill over in her hands and staring at something behind James’ head. 

‘If you could please refrain from making moony eyes at Moony while we’re trying to study..’ He snorted to himself- before adding irritably ‘See? That was a cracking joke and you weren’t even listening!’ 

Lily just waved her hand vaguely in front of her face in order to stop the parchment that was now smacking her repeatedly in the head. James twisted in his seat, noticed that it was, in fact, Remus she was staring at, and slammed his book shut. 

Lily jumped.

‘What did you do that for?’ she asked, blinking up at him with doe eyes. 

‘If you’re going to spend the whole time we’re sat here staring at your boyfriend then I’d prefer to finish the project myself’ he said crossly, shoving his things in his bag.

‘Remus isn’t my boyfriend you prat’ she whispered harshly, eyebrows practically disappearing into her mane of hair, ‘I was just staring into space!’ 

‘Right’ James said shortly, reaching for another textbook ‘Whatever you say’.

Lily snatched the book out of his reach and hissed ‘If I didn’t know better I’d say you sounded jealous, Potter’. 

‘Good thing you know better then’ he snapped, his heart sinking horribly. 

They glared at each other for several moments- Lily still clutching one of James’ books. 

She looked away first. 

‘He’s not my boyfriend’ she said quietly, mortified at how colour rushed to her cheeks. 

James contemplated for a moment, ‘do you want him to be?’ he asked finally.

She looked up at him in surprise- he sounded so vulnerable. Since when was James Potter unsure of himself? 

‘No!’ she exclaimed, a little too loudly- ‘I mean’ she hastened to add, ‘I love him, but more like a brother’.

Was it her imagination, or did he seem relieved? 

‘Then what’s with the staring?’ James sighed, ‘You haven't listened to a single word I’ve said since we sat down’. 

‘I’m sorry’ she said sincerely, ‘I just, I have to tell Remus something and I’m not sure how best to do it’. 

‘About what?’ 

‘None of your business’ Lily said sharply. ‘Now, what were you saying about Gamp?’

* **

‘Remus I need to talk to you’

Remus looked apprehensively at the red head who had appeared in his peripheral vision- ‘What about?’ . 

Lily dropped into the seat next to him with a sigh, looking around to check who was within ear shot. ‘There was a big hush hush meeting for all the prefects who are of age-’ she started warily. 

Remus slammed his book shut and immediately sat forwards- ‘I’m seventeen in almost a month!’ he hissed, ‘that's completely unfair!’ 

‘Which is why I’m telling you about it now’ Lily replied pointedly. 

‘Oh’ Remus looked sheepish for a second, ‘Carry on then’. 

‘Dumbledore has left the castle’ 

‘What?!’ Remus gasped, ‘But him being here is the only reason You-Know-Who isn’t trying to break down the gate on a daily basis!’ 

‘Exactly’ Lily sighed, sagging into her chair, ‘He’s gone to do something for the war effort but even the teachers don’t know what it is and the prefects have all been told to be extra vigilant in case Voldemort uses this as his opportunity to take the school’ 

Remus shot her a dirty look at the use of Voldemort’s name, but otherwise let it go. ‘Why only the prefects that are of age? That hardly seems practical’. 

Lily rolled her eyes at his wounded tone, ‘that was only for the first meeting- McGonagall will come to our next meeting and tell all the other 6th year prefects’. 

‘What else did they say?’ 

‘Not a lot really- just that Death Eaters have been influencing students, but we knew that already’. 

‘Snape’ Remus said, and Lily nodded curtly. 

‘I think they’re all in over their heads- Snape, Avery, Nott’ she ran a hand through her hair, ‘They’re twats, yeah, but I don’t think they’re murderers’ 

‘Not yet’ Remus muttered darkly. 

They were quiet for a moment, the common room was practically empty now- just a first year writing a letter by the fire and a fourth year trying to coax his cat out from under a cabinet. 

Since the meeting Lily had felt scared. Not just a little nervous, or apprehensive, like before an exam- but actual, stomach turning fear. 

She didn’t want to die. 

And yet people were dying out there- in the ‘real’ world. Dumbledore wouldn’t have left unless he had to, she was sure of that. 

‘Who else was in the meeting?’ Remus asked with a falsely casual air, and Lily was forced to roll her eyes again. 

‘Yes Benji was there’ she said, ‘He’s the year above us, he’s been seventeen for ages’. 

‘I know I just-’ 

‘You’re wondering why he didn’t tell you?’ 

Remus nodded, looking guilty. 

‘I don’t know- I guess he assumed it was my job?’ Lily said, ‘All the others told their housemates’.

Remus didn’t look comforted, instead flicking through his book without stopping to read anything. 

‘When did we all start being “housemates” rather than “classmates”?’ Remus mused.

‘Around the same time a maniac started murdering people in cold blood because of their linage’ Lily said dryly- ‘Excuse me for not wanting to get too friendly with some of the people who pretend Mandy Dunbar threw herself down the Astronomy Tower stairs’. 

Remus snorted a laugh, ‘I guess that’ll do it’. 

‘You’re going to be a target you know’ Lily said quietly, inclining her head towards the window- ‘Out there I mean. Probably more than I am’. 

‘I know- I’m just waiting for the first Death Eater to approach me, I’ll tell them right where they can shove their pure blood idealism’ he growled. And for a second, Lily wanted to tell him not to be an idiot. To run and hide like Mary was going to- because she had lost so much in the last year she wasn’t sure she could stand to loose him too. Or any of the other marauders. 

She had a bad feeling- like an itch under her skin that she couldn’t quite scratch. Was it paranoia? The attacks on her fellow muggleborns seemed like the beginning of something, and giving prefects the power to dock points wasn’t going to change that. What if the next time, someone ended up dead? 

They lapsed into silence again, and just as Lily was thinking about going and collapsing into her bed, Remus said ‘Has James asked you out yet?’ 

Lily immediately choked on air and sat upright, ‘No!’ she gasped, eyes watering as she tried to clear her throat, ‘Why? He wouldn’t? Would he? What has he said?’ 

Remus smiled a devious little smile and stood up, ‘And I take it that means you’ll be saying yes when he does finally get the balls to do it’. 

‘Remus’ Lily glowered warningly, ‘Don’t you dare-’

‘What?’ Remus said innocently, walking backwards towards the stairs, ‘It’s not my fault the two of you are painfully oblivious’.

‘I’m not oblivious to anything-’ She started, scrambling out of her chair and going after him, ‘I just-’ 

‘Fancy the pants off the bloke and hoping no one notices?’ 

‘I do not-!’ She said, immediately turning scarlet. 

‘Right’ Remus said shortly, ‘Of course you don’t, just like he doesn’t spent 90% of his day staring at you longingly from across the room’. 

Lily opened her mouth to object before shutting it again, fidgeting with the sleeves of her jumper. 

‘Really?’ she asked, biting her lip. 

Remus almost laughed- it was so unlike Lily to look so nervous about something. ‘Really’ he said solemnly. 

There was a pause, and then she smacked him in the arm, ‘Don’t you dare tell him’ she threatened, ‘in fact, this conversation never happened’. 

‘What conversation?’ Grinned Remus, heading up the stairs. 

Lily smiled to herself as she changed into her pyjama's. Much as she was loathed to admit it- having the boys as friends was turning out to be a lot of fun. Now, she thought grimly, she just had to focus on keeping everyone alive until the summer.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time no update! I'm actually nearly finished with this story now- I think there will be six or seven chapters in total... But of course, my chapter lengths are obscene, so that doesn't mean much.

Despite Lily’s grim prediction, the next several weeks passed with barely any drama. Sylvia Harris broke yet another boy’s heart, Sirius Black managed an impressive streak of two detentions a week and Dorcas beat James in every Transfiguration test, much to her delight. 

It was almost _too_ perfect. Life had returned to the almost calm state it had been in before Mary was attacked the previous summer. The days got longer and the snow melted, and with it, went people’s fear. Lily found herself scolding students out of bed daily on her prefect rounds, and McGonagall had hit the roof when it transpired two third years had managed to sneak into the Forbidden Forest. 

Before she knew it the Easter holidays were just a week away, and the teachers were starting to talk about exams. 

‘But we don’t have to take N.E.W.T.s until next year’ Mary whined one evening, her head cushioned by her Divination textbook, ‘What’s the point in having exams now?’ 

‘So we don’t get complacent’ Dorcas said, carefully tapping her gleaming notes with her wand so the ink dried. 

‘Easy for you to say, you know what you’re working for’ Cynthia scowled, ‘I have no idea what I want to do when we leave’. 

‘What did you say in your careers appointment with McGonagall last year?’ Lily asked trying not to let her eyes flick over towards the fire. 

‘I said I didn’t care what I do as long as I don’t end up like my Mum’ Cynthia said, and at Lily’s enquiring look added; ‘She’s a receptionist at St Mungos’ 

‘Well what’s so bad about that?’ Mary asked, ‘I bet she has all kinds of funny stories’. 

Cynthia sighed, ‘She sits on her arse all day, bored out of her mind- there’s only so many missing limbs and things you can see before the novelty wears off’. 

‘So why doesn’t she quit?’ Dorcas asked, rolling up the first essay and pulling the second towards her. 

‘Because she’s been there for thirty years’ Cynthia shrugged, ‘She wouldn’t know how to do anything else’. 

‘Well we’ll cross receptionist off the list then’ Lily said briskly, ‘What about something in the Ministry?’ 

Cynthia shrugged again, and Mary patted her consolingly on the shoulder. ‘It’s okay, I don’t know what I want to do either’ she whispered conspiratorially. 

Lily glanced up towards the fireplace again, her eyes meeting a pair of hazel ones. She blushed, offered him a small smile and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear before looking back down at the essay in front of her. 

It took her a moment to realise the girls had all gone quiet. 

‘What?’ She asked, looking up to find them all staring at her. 

‘We were just wondering when you’re going to admit you fancy James’ Mary said in an offhand sort of way. 

‘Because if you do it in the next two weeks I win two Galleons’ Cynthia added, ‘Dorcas has already lost, of course, she reckoned it’d be around Valentines day’. 

Lily just gaped at them all, the colour rising horribly in her cheeks. ‘I don’t-’ she started, before Cynthia cut her off-

‘Guess that means it’s Mary who gets the pot then’ she sighed dramatically, ‘I was so sure too’. 

‘You’re being ridiculous’ Lily argued, ‘James is a friend is all’ 

‘Yes I regularly spend my evenings staring longingly at my friends’ Dorcas intoned, without looking up from her essay. 

‘You could just ask him out’ Mary said, ‘Seeing as he’s evidently so slow on the uptake’. 

Lily didn’t really know how to answer, opening and shutting her mouth like a confused codfish for several moments. 

‘You don’t know what you’re talking about’ She said eventually, wilfully ignoring how they snickered in response. 

On the other side of the room, James looked up at the sound of the girls laughing. He caught Lily’s eye again and smiled, not even noticing how it made the other girls laugh harder. 

*** 

‘So do you know what you’re doing over Easter yet?’ Peter asked, levitating a ball of parchment through an obstacle course on the floor of their dormitory. 

‘Just hanging around here I suppose’ James said slightly glumly. Almost everyone was going home again over the holidays like they had at Christmas. The one silver lining was that Lily would be staying too- that they had an uninterrupted stretch of time ahead of them, just the two of them. All the time they had spent together recently had been working on their Transfiguration project, which had turned out to be just the colossal undertaking James had feared it would be.

‘At least you’ll have plenty of time to study’ Remus said grimly- ‘My parents have planned “activities” for every single day I’m home’. 

‘I’ll be working the whole fortnight’ Sirius said miserably- ‘twelve hour shifts surrounded by newt eyes and dragon blood- some bloody holiday’. 

Peter looked around at his friends incredulously, ‘It’s the holidays you miserable lot!’ he exclaimed, ‘No classes, no uniform, no getting up at 6am every bloody day before all the good breakfast is gone!’. 

‘That last one is just you Pete’ Sirius said, throwing clothes in the general direction of his trunk

***

‘You look like you’re going to be sick’ James said conversationally on the last day of term, as he dropped into his seat at breakfast. 

Lily scowled, but didn’t look up from her book.

‘We’ve rehearsed every day for the last week Lil’, he said sagely, beginning to spoon porridge into the bowl in front of him, ‘If we don’t know it by now we probably never will’. 

Lily continued to ignore him- reading her Transfiguration notes so fast that her eyes looked blurred, while her scrambled eggs sat looking neglected to one side. 

‘Leave her to it’ Remus advised, ‘She always gets like this’. 

James sighed and returned to his breakfast. 

‘Aren’t you nervous at all?’ Cynthia asked, picking anxiously at her fingernails. 

James just shrugged- ‘We’ve done the best we can considering we had to work around Quidditch and prefect rounds’. 

Remus rolled his eyes, ‘You’ve had the same amount of time as me and Dorcas; more, in fact, because I missed those few days in February’. 

They finished breakfast in silence, Cynthia occasionally grabbing her book to check something, and Lily not eating a single bite. 

When the bell rang, signalling it was time for Transfiguration, James pulled Lily from her seat and gently guided her from the hall and up the staircase. 

He tried not to laugh when she bumped into a door frame, or when she walked into her desk, but really, he was only human. 

They were all sat at their respective desks when McGonagall strode in, waving her hand for silence.

‘Today you will share with the class the projects you’ve been working on since January’ she began, ‘Your classmates in Hufflepuff and Slytherin shared their work yesterday, and I must say, the standard was very high’. Her eyes seemed to linger on several members of the class, including Rosana, who was filing her nails and looking entirely unconcerned. 

Lily, on the other hand, was gnawing on her lip with such ferocity that James was genuinely concerned she was going to bite right through it. 

‘Are there any volunteers to go first?’ McGonagall asked, settling herself down at her desk. 

Tentatively, James raised his hand, and Lily looked at him in a way that very plainly said he would live to regret it. 

‘Mr Potter and Ms Evans then’ McGonagall announced, ‘The law relating to the production of food, I believe?’ 

James nodded in confirmation, making his way to the front of the room- behind him, Lil waved her wand to dim the lights. 

‘Well folks’ He began cheerfully, ‘This is all going to be a lot less complicated if you all know what an atom is..’

***

‘James we got an _O_ ’ Lily said, for approximately the 417th time in the last six hours. 

‘Yes Lily’ James replied tonelessly, ‘I was there’. 

‘I’ve never got an ‘O’ in Transfiguration before’. She continued, in the same awestruck voice. 

‘Yes you mentioned’. 

‘You have to tutor me’. 

James barely repressed a roll of his eyes, ‘You don’t need a tutor Lil, you just need to spend more time on Transfiguration than you do on Charms’. 

Lily elected to ignore this, leaning over the back of the sofa to try and draw James’ attention back to herself; ‘But if you tutor me I’ll definitely get into the St Mungos Training program’ she argued, ‘You actually know what you’re talking about!’ 

‘Fine’ James said, standing up and tugging Lilly to her feet- ‘Let’s go to the library, you can tutor me in Charms, and I’ll tutor you in Transfiguration’ 

‘Deal’ Lily said firmly, giving the hand she was still holding a firm shake. 

It was at that moment of course, Sirius decided to appear from thin air. 

‘You cannot seriously be going to the library right now?’ he asked, aghast, ‘It’s the last day of term!’ 

‘So?’ Lily said, picking up her things, ‘We don’t have anything better to do’

Sirius looked deeply and mortally offended. ‘Don’t have anything better to do?’ he repeated, ‘There are always better things to do than go to the _library_ ’. 

‘I’m high on the feeling of getting an O! I want to go and study before the novelty wears off!’ 

Sirius swiped a rook off the chess set Peter had left out on the coffee table, and lobbed it at her head. 

‘You are not going to the library’ He said firmly, moving to block the door, ‘James, I think it’s time to get the map out’. 

‘Really?’ James’ eyebrows shot up, and Lily looked utterly bewildered, ‘You said that no one could ever possibly know about the greatest marauder accomplishment’. 

‘That’s true’ Sirius sniffed haughtily, ‘But I’m about to make an exception- I think the girls should join us for our end of term tradition’. 

‘They might not want to come’ 

‘They don’t have a choice’ Sirius said, before bounding off up the stairs to the boys dorm. 

‘What on earth is he talking about?’ Lily asked, putting her bag back down, ‘And why do I have the feeling I’m not going to like it?’ 

James looked sheepish, and his hand immediately went up to mess with his hair. 

‘James’ Lily said cautiously.

‘We sort of have this tradition-’ He began, ‘That we started back in second year’. 

‘What sort of tradition?’ she asked, her mind beginning to run through the million possibilities. Knowing them it could be anything from swimming in the lake to booby trapping the Slytherin dorms. 

‘Well’ he began, ‘We sneak out of the castle-’ 

‘You _what_?!’ Lily practically screeched- ‘Since when? How? Remus too?’ 

‘Bloody hell Evans keep your voice down’ James hissed, practically dragging her over to a more secluded corner, ‘We know a secret passage- and yes Remus too’. 

‘Potter that is stupidest thing I’ve ever heard you say’ she whispered, her eyes glinting in anger, ‘Do you have any idea how dangerous it is out there at the moment?!’ 

‘There hasn’t been an attack in months Lil’ he said earnestly, ‘and we only go to the Three Broomsticks, Rosmerta has never dobbed us in either’. 

‘Of course she hasn’t’ Lily sighed, resigned, ‘I suppose you’ve been getting away with it this long’. 

‘You’ll come?’ James said, the hope in his eyes undeniable. 

Lily was torn- he was right, there hadn’t been an attack in months… And she’d never snuck out of the castle before- wasn’t it one of those things everyone should try at least once? 

James seemed to sense her indecision- ‘Come on Lil’ he said pleadingly, ‘I promise it’ll be fun’. 

‘Okay’ she said eventually- ‘just let me go get my cloak’. 

*** 

It turned out that sneaking eight people out of the castle was considerably more difficult than four, especially when three of those people could turn into animals. 

‘You are standing on my foot’ Dorcas hissed at Sirius, as he shifted in his hiding place to avoid Filch. 

‘Peter if you don’t take your hand off my arse in the next 2 seconds I’m going to rip it off and beat you with it’ Lily muttered, and the aforementioned hand hastily retreated. 

‘Sorry!’ came an apologetic whisper, ‘I though you were Cynthia’. 

‘It’s not that bloody dark’ James groused, and Remus snorted. 

‘Okay’ Remus began, checking the map again, ‘I think we’re in the clear- Mandy and Benjy are on rounds but they won’t come this way for another hour or so, and Filch has gone back to his office’. 

They all cautiously crept from their hiding place, high on the adrenaline of nearly being caught; when they reached the fourth floor, Remus drew them to a halt, and tapped the mirror on the wall with his wand. To Lily’s amazement, the mirror seemed to cease to be solid- instead, it looked like a thin sheen of water concealing a secret passageway behind it. 

‘How on earth did you find this?’ she asked, watching as Peter and Cynthia ducked through.

‘Total accident to be honest’ James said, mussing up his hair, ‘we were mucking around up here one day and Remus tried to jinx Sirius, he missed, and the jinx went straight through the mirror’ 

‘And if it was a normal mirror it would have bounced off’ Lily concluded, stepping into the passageway. 

‘Yep’ James said cheerfully, ‘So if it wasn’t for Remus’ shoddy aim, we would never have found it’. 

The tunnel was dark- there were no torches in the brackets on the walls, and the only illumination came from Remus’ wand up ahead. The corridor stretched out for seemingly miles; gradually sloping downward until they were definitely underground- the floor turned from stone to dirt and the walls gradually faded into rough rock. 

‘Where does this let out?’ Mary asked, sounding nervous. 

‘A cave just outside of Hogsmeade’ Sirius said, ‘Its just at the foot of the hills’. 

Eventually Lily saw moonlight up ahead, and Remus extinguished his wand. They stepped out into the brisk April air, and Lily grinned- it was alarmingly freeing to break the rules. 

Sirius immediately linked arms with Mary and Dorcas and began practically towing them towards the pub, ‘Last one there buys the firewhiskey!’ He called back over his shoulder. 

They all laughed, but Lily felt a slight sinking feeling. She didn’t have any money. 

Well, she had 12 galleons, 7 sickles and 4 knuts; but that had to last her until she found a job, or turned 18 and could claim her inheritance. 

Her pace had slowed and she found herself lagging behind everyone else; Remus noticed and hung back. 

‘What’s wrong?’ He asked gently, ‘If you’re worried about getting caught-’ 

‘It’s not that’ she interrupted, ‘I just realised that I don’t have any money’. 

Remus just shrugged, ‘None of us do- we usually only buy one drink each and make it last all night’ 

‘Oh’ Lily said, surprised, ‘I’d expected some grand evening of free flowing whiskey’. 

‘Nah’ Remus grinned at her, ‘We started this tradition when we were in second year, we could only buy butterbeer and none of us had any pocket money left by the end of term, so we used to buy one bottle and four glasses’. 

Lily smiled, she could picture, easily, the four of them crammed into a booth at the back of the three broomsticks, nursing a quarter of a bottle of butterbeer each and giddy on the excitement of sneaking out of the castle. 

‘So you’ve never been caught?’ she asked, as the sign for the pub came into view. 

‘Not once’ Remus said, ‘I tried talking them out of it when I became prefect- I thought I should try and show some responsibility’. 

‘Yes I see that worked out for you’ Lily said dryly. 

‘Well funnily enough the boys wouldn’t hear of it- you know what they’re like about their traditions’. 

They opened the door to the pub, and Lily was surprised to see that it was jam packed. There was music playing in some distant corner, the distinct sound of people dancing and a haze of cigarette smoke hanging in the air. 

Sirius waved at them from a small table near the back of the room, where Dorcas was sitting in his lap and Mary was summoning extra chairs. 

They all crammed themselves around the table, with lots of trodden feet and awkward limbs. Rosmerta practically materialised next to the table a moment later. 

‘There seems to be more of you than usual’ She said, smiling at the boys, ‘You been leading these girls astray?’ 

‘If anything it’s the other way around’ James said with a sly grin

‘Yeah’ Sirius chimed in, ‘You should see how much whiskey this one can put away when she puts her mind to it’ he elbowed Dorcas in the ribs, and immediately flinched when slapped him away. 

‘Whiskey hm?’ Rosmerta said suspiciously, ‘Are you all of age?’ 

They all nodded, except Mary, who said ‘I’ll just have a butterbeer’ in a glum sort of voice. 

‘Chin up Mary’ Peter said, ‘It’s only another few weeks right?’ 

‘Yeah, it’s during the Easter holidays’.

‘We should do something for it!’ Cynthia exclaimed, ‘All meet up in London or something?’ 

Mary was nodding enthusiastically- ‘We could go to the Green Dragon’ 

‘I haven’t been there since the summer’ Sirius said, inclining his head towards Rosmerta as he relieved her of the tray of drinks, cigarette dangling from his lips.

‘I’ve never been’ Lily shrugged

‘Well then it’s decided’ Cynthia declared - ‘We’ll all go to the Green Dragon on the 14th and celebrate Mary turning 17 in style’. 

They all clinked their bottles together and drank in silence for a few moments, revelling in the sense of freedom of having two whole weeks stretched out in front of them. 

‘Are you two staying at Hogwarts over Easter?’ Dorcas asked, looking between Lily and James, who both nodded; ‘Can you look after Whiskers for me? I’d take her home but she’s getting really old, I think the train journey might take it out of her’. 

‘Of course’ James said, ‘She likes playing with Hades anyway’. 

Sirius made a disgusted sound and Remus elbowed him in the ribs, ‘Don’t mind him’ he said to the girls, ‘Sirius is more of a dog person’. 

‘You can say that again’ Dorcas snickered into her whiskey- and Sirius stuck his tongue out at her. 

Lily couldn’t help but smile, the entire evening seemed easy, laid back. She’d never have done something like this when she was friends with Severus. His idea of an exciting night was the two of them getting permission to browse the restricted section of the library. 

The group had all began to chatter among themselves and Lily found herself half listening to three different conversations at once. Remus and Peter were deep in discussion about chess, and whether they should join the Hogwarts chess club next term; Sirius and Dorcas were bickering over whether he had to attend her father’s annual Easter gathering, or make her suffer going alone, and Cynthia and Mary were having an intense conversation about whether or not Mary should dye her hair blonde. 

James caught her eye and smiled, inclining his head towards the bar- and Lily nodded and stood. They navigated their way around the crowd in silence, and when they reached the bar Lily picked up the slightly sticky menu and began studying it intently. 

‘I think you know what you’re having’ James said, rolling his eyes and plucking the menu from her hands, ‘You’re as skint as I am, we’re going to see what we can get out of Rosmerta for free’. 

‘I hardly think she’s going to give us free drinks James’ Lily frowned, looking along the bar to the pretty barmaid who was openly flirting with a couple of wizards in expensive robes. 

‘Oh ye of little faith’ he replied, holding his hand over his heart as if mortally wounded, ‘Stranger things have happened’. 

Lily allowed herself a small smile and turned to face the crowded room, her elbows propped up on the bar, ‘Go on then Potter’ she said airily, ‘Wow me’. 

James made a little harrumphing noise and started trying to get Rosmerta’s attention with some wand sparks. 

‘That map really is incredible’ Lily said casually, ‘Did you think of the Homonculous charm?’ 

‘Er, no actually’ he said, his hand going straight to his hair, ‘It was all Sirius’ 

‘And all the drawings?’ 

‘Peter’ 

‘I didn’t know he could draw’

James just made a non-committal noise and continued shooting sparks down the bar. 

‘I guess that’s why you don’t get in trouble nearly as often as you should’. 

‘It definitely helps’ James said, practically laying across the bar now in a desperate attempt to get Rosmerta to pay attention to him. 

‘I should confiscate it really’ She said teasingly, and he looked back at her in horror, ‘I am a prefect after all’. 

‘So is Remus and he helped us make the bloody thing!’ James retorted. 

‘Potter if you burn down my bloody bar just because I have other customers I’m going to curse your testicles off and wear them as earrings’. Rosmerta said threateningly, suddenly appearing in front of them .

Lily howled with laughter as James subtly crossed his legs with a mildly nauseated expression, taking a small step away from the bar for good measure. 

‘What do you want’ Rosmerta said, snapping her fingers in front of them. 

‘Well the thing is-’ James began. 

‘Not a fucking chance Potter’ She interrupted, ‘No bob, no beer- you know the rules’. 

‘But last time-’

‘Last time it was Christmas’ she said, grinning, ‘I was in a charitable mood- but I have a bar to run and I ain’t turning a profit giving out the good stuff to every charity case that walks through the damn door’. 

‘You wouldn’t let a poor orphan such as myself go sober on an evening of celebration now would you?’ James said, leaning over the bar and attempting an expression of innocence. 

‘And what is it exactly you’re celebrating?’ Rosmerta asked dryly. 

‘The end of term!’ James exclaimed, ‘A revered and time honoured marauder tradition!’ 

‘I liked you better when it was a tradition you paid for’ 

‘When I come into my inheritance I will pay you back every knut’ James said solemnly, and Lily could tell he wasn’t joking. 

There was a short pause and finally Rosmerta said ‘Ah! _Fine_ ’. She threw the rag she’d been holding in James’ startled face, and ducked down to pull an unassuming bottle from the shelf under the bar. ‘What’s the point in owning a pub if you can’t give out some free booze occasionally?’

She put the bottle on the counter and Lily was amused to see it was called ‘Ogdens New Firewhiskey’. Catching sight of her expression Rosmerta smirked; ‘Well I’m not going to give you the good stuff- I’ve got a bar to run!’ 

‘Rosmerta you are positively an angel sent to us from above’ James said fervently, picking the bottle up and cradling it carefully. She snorted indelicately. 

‘Just remember you owe me’ She said, looking sideways at Lily. She grinned suddenly in a somewhat predatory way and beckoned James closer until she could whisper in his ear. 

Lily tried her hardest but couldn’t overhear whatever it was that Rosmerta whispered; although James immediately went scarlet in the face and started spluttering, ‘I don’t- thats not- We haven’t- ROSEMERTA!’ 

Rosmerta just laughed, a light playful laugh that made Lily feel unsettlingly jealous for a moment; ‘You kids have fun!’ she called back over her shoulder with a wink, returning to the wealthy looking wizards at the other end of the bar.

‘See?’ James said with an over dramatic flourish, ‘You had no faith in me at all’ 

‘I did-’

‘In fact’ he interrupted, grabbing her by the hand and starting to tow her back towards the table, ‘I don’t think you should get any of this- to teach you a lesson about doubting me’. 

Lily was strongly battling the urge to whip out her wand and see if he’d look so smug with Bat Bogeys flapping all over his face. 

They dropped back down into their seats and Sirius immediately stopped his conversation with Dorcas when he saw what James had clutched in his hand. 

‘Really mate?’ He grinned, ‘Rosmerta has such a soft spot for this git I swear’ he said to Mary, rolling his eyes to the heavens. 

‘Well if you have such a problem with it maybe I won’t bother sharing’ James shrugged, pouring a healthy measure of whiskey into the glasses nearest him. 

‘I don’t need to flirt with Rosmerta for drinks’ Sirius mocked, ‘Some of us work hard for our galleons’. 

James threw the cork at him. 

Lily sniffed her drink as James handed it to her, wrinkling her nose- Rosmerta hadn’t been kidding about it being the cheap stuff. 

‘A toast!’ James announced, holding his glass aloft- ‘To another term survived, another Quidditch match won, and one step closer to being done with exams forever’. 

‘Here here!’ they all chanted back and him, clinking glasses and taking a deep swig- before they immediately all started coughing. 

‘Oh fucking hell’ Remus croaked, his eyes streaming. 

‘This’ll finally put some hairs on your chest Peter’ Sirius laughed between bouts of coughing. 

‘Fuck you’ Peter wheezed, and the entire table fell about laughing. 

It wasn’t until the entire bottle was gone that Lily remembered why they weren’t supposed to be outside the castle. The reminder came in the form of an elderly wizard at a table tucked around the corner from them, whose booming voice was carried over to them during a lull of conversation. 

‘Now you can’t deny he’s got it all right- even if you don’t always agree with his methods’ He declared to his friends, ‘Dumbledore’s been too easy on mudbloods for years’.

At once, it was like someone had disillusioned her- it felt like ice cold water running dripping down her back, causing her to shiver and everyone at the table to look at her. 

‘If you keep letting mudbloods into Hogwarts, they’ll get all sort of ideas- thinking they’re just as good as the rest of us’ The man was insisting now, and his friends were nodding passionately, hanging on his every word. 

Everyone was looking uncomfortable now, Mary and Lily both shifting in their seats, while Dorcas looked like she’d swallowed a lemon. 

‘Yer I reckon’ you’re right abou’ tha’ Orion’ one of the mans friends has joined in now, ‘I went to St Mungos the other day, and the healer who tried to fix me hand was a fuckin’ mudblood’ he spat on the floor, ‘I told her, I says “go get me an actual wizard to do the job proper”- she got all cross and huffy with me but this other bloke comes down and he tells me he’s a pureblood and he fixes me hand and it’s as right as rain now’. He took a long drink from his glass, ‘Merlin knows what that fuckin’ scum woulddve done to it’. 

‘We’ll, at least someone is finally doing what needs to be done’ said the youngest looking of the men, holding his glass up in a toast, ‘To The Dark Lord!’.

‘You know Bill, if you’re really lookin’ to help the cause, I ‘appen to know of a meetin’ tomorrow night…’ The second man said to his friend, ‘The Dark Lord could use with someone as good with curses as you’. 

Lily thought she might be sick. 

Dorcas stood abruptly, almost knocking the table over. 

‘We’re leaving’ she said, her voiced tight with thinly veiled fury. She wasn’t alone either, Sirius and Remus looked like they might snap any moment and curse the men, Mary was crying silently, while Peter looked incredibly sad. 

‘But-’ James began to argue

‘Now’ Dorcas hissed, before hauling Cynthia to her feet and ushering them all towards the door. 

They walked briskly, and silently up the street, and as soon as they were out of the town and into the cave Dorcas screamed in frustration. Mary sank down to sit on the floor and Cynthia immediately went to comfort her; while Sirius started blasting the rock at the cave entrance with his wand. 

Lily didn’t know what to make of the scene in front of her. She was horrified, yes, by the words of the strangers… But they were _strangers_. Their opinion didn’t matter to her and she was going to become a healer in spite of people like that. 

Dorcas was white faced and sullen now, and Sirius approached her slowly. ‘You knew, didn’t you?’ He asked shortly. 

Her mouth opened and closed several times and her words came out more like a whisper than anything else; ‘I suspected’. 

‘Suspected what?’ Lily asked

‘That was Sirius and Dorcas’ fathers’ Remus said quietly. 

Lily cast her eyes back at the two of them, utterly horrified- ‘I didn’t-’ 

‘Yeah well I’m not exactly on the Black family Christmas card list’ Sirius said shortly, ‘And now you know why’. 

Lily didn’t know what to say. 

‘Dad wasn’t about all the pure-blood nonsense when he married Mum’ Dorcas said quietly, ‘She was half-blood and he said it didn’t matter to him, but since she died he’s been going to these, “meetings”’. She closed her eyes. 

‘You think he’s a Death Eater’ James said shortly, and they all looked at him, aghast. It was one thing for them to all be thinking it, but having it out in the air made it seem so much more real. 

Dorcas just nodded, a tear escaping down her cheek. 

Cynthia threw her arms around the taller girl, causing Dorcas to practically stoop to avoid being strangled. 

‘My Father is too much of a bloody coward to be a death eater’ Sirius said spitefully, ‘He shares their sick beliefs but doesn’t have the balls to join them’. 

There was a long tense silence, interrupted only by Mary’s hiccoughs and the sound of them all breathing heavily. Cynthia had moved back to Peter now, and had her face buried in his shoulder. Remus and James were standing in the mouth of the cave, looking awkward and somewhat alarmed by all the emotions their friends were displaying. 

‘I can’t go back there now’ Dorcas said, standing up straight and setting her jaw, ‘I’m not going back to his house’. 

‘You can stay with me’ Sirius said, flinging his arm around her shoulders, ‘Just chip in for groceries, and you don’t mind crashing on the sofa yeah?’ 

Dorcas drew away and the two of them looked at each other long and hard- silently communicating in the way that only two life-long-friends can. 

‘Yeah’ she said finally, looking away with a small smile, ‘I don’t mind at all’. 

Lily held her hand out towards Mary, who took it and allowed Lily to pull her to her feet. 

‘They’re going to lose’. Lily told her simply. 

‘It’s going to really suck until they do though’, Mary replied glumly. 

‘Fuck them!’ Sirius declared, striding over to the two of them and hugging them so tightly they were practically in a headlock; ‘They’re wrong, and bigoted and they’re going to lose!’ 

Dorcas practically launched herself at the three of them, bundling them up into a group hug; ‘You can’t chose your family’ she said, still sounding a bit teary, ‘You couldn’t chose yours and I sure as shit didn’t chose mine’. 

Lily looked over Dorcas’ head to see James grinning at them, before immediately piling on to the hug; ‘We’re all family now’ he said, squeezing them all until Lily was sure her ribs were going to crack. 

‘It’s not like we’ve all got great ones outside of this cave’ Remus said, as he and Cynthia joined the pile. 

Peter dithered for a minute- ‘Look guys, I love the sentiment, I do, but I’m really not a hugger-’ 

Sirius and Remus cut off his protests by hauling him into the hug by the scruff of his neck. 

Mary’s hair was tickling Lily’s nose, and there was definitely someone’s elbow in her kidney, but she felt so happy she could burst. 

The world seemed so simple at that moment- like nothing else could possibly matter than the people she was with and the evening they’d shared. 

Everything was perfect, suspended and silent. 

Until Sirius burped. 

‘Oh Merlin-’

‘For fuck’s _sake_ Sirius-’

‘That is so disgusting-’ 

They all fell away from each other, shoving an unrepentant looking Sirius deeper into the cave.

‘You were squeezing me too hard’ he said, shrugging and whipping a box of cigarettes out of his pocket. 

He lit one, and passed it to Dorcas, before pulling out another for himself. 

They ambled back up to the castle, laughing, chatting and generally behaving as if they had all the time in the world. After all- who was to tell them they didn’t? 

*** 

Day one of the holidays dawned bright and sunny, and James had to practically force himself to stay inside and spread his homework across two of the tables in the common room. 

Lily appeared less than twenty minutes later, still in her pyjamas with Hades clutched to her chest. 

‘Your cat was on my bed again’ she muttered sleepily, dropping the cat on top of James’ Herbology essay. 

‘Your dorm is sunnier than ours’ James explained for the millionth time, using his wand to vanish the inky paw prints that now scattered the bottom of the parchment. 

Lily just grunted in response, settling herself down in the seat next to him and burying her face in her hands. 

‘You’re chipper this morning’ he commented dryly. 

‘We have so much to do’ Lily moaned, not raising her head, ‘We have so much homework this doesn’t feel like a holiday at all!’. 

He patted the top of her head consolingly, ‘I know, but we can help each other’ 

‘Can’t you just do my Transfiguration homework for me?’ She asked hopefully, raising her head to bat her eyelashes at him, ‘I’ll do your Charms!’. 

James snorted, ‘While I want to agree, I do want to pass my NEWTS next year’. 

Lily just stuck her tongue out at him, muttered ‘spoilsport’ and went right back to resting her head on the table. 

‘Go and get dressed’ he said, ‘And I’ll make sure the house elves bring up a pot of coffee for when you come back down’. 

There was a short pause, ‘And crumpets?’ she said in a small voice, and James couldn’t help the affectionate smile that spread across his face. 

‘And crumpets’ he promised solemnly. 

Lily bounded up the stairs, and as promised, there was piping hot coffee and crumpets on the desk when she returned, dressed in her Dads old doc martins, her most frayed jeans and an old jumper that had seen so many mending charms it practically moved on its own. 

By lunch time James was ready to overturn the table and set fire to his homework. Lily wasn't faring much better- she looked like the next time she saw McGonagall she might curse the professor into oblivion. 

'We need to go outside' James said, 'Or I'm going to hex something'. 

‘Agreed' Lily sighed, throwing her quill down.

James stood, stretching out his tired arms and fingers as he wondered what they should do for the rest of the day. 'Lets go flying!' he said excitedly- 'you said you wanted to try it' 

Lily paused for half a beat before saying 'I'll meet you in the entrance hall in ten minutes', and practically flying back up the stairs to her dormitory. 

James sprinted across the common room and up the stairs- quickly changing into warmer robes, picking up his snitch and grabbing his broom. He paused for a moment, deliberating, before grabbing Sirius' too. 

He jogged down to the entrance hall, where Lily was already waiting. 

'About bloody time Potter' she grinned, 'did you take the scenic route or something?' 

'Oh shut up you' he said, handing her his broom. 

'This is yours?' She asked, handling it carefully, 'I've never ridden a broom like this' 

'Top of the range' he said proudly, before adding, 'at least it was.. Two or three years ago'. 

'Who’s are you using then?' She asked awkwardly, as they made their way out into the grounds.

'Sirius left his here' Jame shrugged, 'He doesn't really play much since quitting the school team last year, so he barely uses it' 

'Are you sure you don't mind me using yours?' she asked nervously, shielding her eyes from the bright afternoon sun. 

'Just watch you don't go crashing it into the Whomping Willow or something Evans and I'm sure it'll be fine' he grinned, his stomach flipping as she smacked him on the arm. 

‘Why did Sirius quit the team? I never did ask’

James just shrugged, ‘It wasn’t really for him- he likes playing, but he said getting up at 8am every Saturday just sucked all the joy out of it’ 

‘He was a fantastic beater though’ Lily said, ‘I remember that play he and Dorcas made in the final match in fourth year- Brown and Jarett never saw it coming’ 

He snorted, ‘Yeah, well they grew up playing together, so they were really well matched. Replacing him was difficult, but I think Abbott did alright with Jones’. 

They reached the pitch and Lily hesitated for just a moment, before swinging her leg over the broom and taking off around the pitch with a squeal of delight. 

James stood for a moment, just watching her as she flew barely six feet off the ground, before hopping on Sirius' broom and taking off after her. 

James' broom seemed to be sensing Lily's apprehension, and wasn't going nearly as fast as James knew it to be capable of. Before long, he'd caught her up and was flying along side her as they neared the Gryffindor stands. 

'Come on Evans!' he yelled over at her, 'I know you can do better than that!'. 

She was grinning widely, but was holding the broom so tightly that her knuckles were white. 

'This is so much faster than the school brooms!' she shrieked at him, her excitement palatable. 

'Go higher!' he said, angling his own broom towards the sky. 

He shot off towards the goalposts, not checking to see if she was keeping up with him. He flew through the middle hoop and veered around just in time to see a mass of red hair whizz past him at top speed, screaming curse words the whole way past. 

He couldn't help himself, he laughed. The sight of Lily Evans on a broomstick was fuelling some of his wildest fantasies, but she definitely didn't have the grace of a Quidditch player. 

She'd stopped now, several yards away, and was brushing her hair out of her eyes while she precariously remained seated. 

'Are you _laughing_ at me Potter?' she said, somewhat threateningly. 

James gulped in a breath of air to try and contain his mirth before replying. 

'Of course not Lil' he said, mustering all the charm he could manage, 'I just didn't realise you had such colourful vocabulary. Really, I think you could play for the team' 

'I don't know about that' she said doubtfully, 'When Stebbins got knocked off his broom last year I swear I thought I was going to throw up' 

'He was fine though' James pointed out, 'and it was his own fault really, he knew that Brown was the better flier, she was going to get the snitch or die trying'. 

He rummaged in his pockets for a moment, hoping she would be impressed by how easily he maintained his balance. 

'Ah _ha_ ' he said, producing a snitch from an inner pocket of his robes. 

'Really?' she said with a roll of her eyes, 'You keep it in your pocket?' 

'Not usually' he said defensively, 'I thought you might like to have a go catching it'. 

Lily looked apprehensive, gnawing on her bottom lip like she always did. 

'It'll be fun' he promised, waving the snitch in front of her 

'Okay fine' she said, 'but if I fall off and break my neck or something I swear I'm coming back to haunt you' 

He grinned at her, releasing the tiny golden ball with a flourish ‘The rest of eternity with you?’ he teased, ‘That's a bit harsh don't you think?' 

She stuck her tongue out at him and charmed her hair back into a bun before taking off after the snitch. 

He watched her, loathed to admit that she was pretty good, although obviously inexperienced. Every time she caught the snitch she raised her arms in mock celebration before letting it go and chasing it again. 

After the fourth time she'd managed to catch it he yelled, 'And Evans has done it! She's caught the snitch and won the house cup for Gryffindor- the crowd goes wild!' he took off, flying circles around her and making cheering noises, as she laughed and attempted to swat him out of the air. 

'That doesn't sound anything like the usual commentator' she pointed out. 

'Thats’ because Andrew Carr is a boring git' James said flatly- ' _obviously_ I would do a much better job, but I prefer flying to sitting in a booth and telling everyone exactly what they can already see is happening'. 

'Touchy subject?' she teased, handing the snitch back to him. 

'Do you deny that Carr sounds about as exciting as an ancient basset hound?' James asked, affronted, 'I swear I've nearly nodded off mid game before while listening to him'. 

'Merlin knows why McGonagall gave him the job', she replied, nodding vigorously 

'Something about him being the most impartial person who applied' James said, rolling his eyes, 'Sometimes I swear he doesn't even know what house he's in, much less who is supposed to be playing'. 

'That's a good thing really' Lily said, looking sad for some reason, 'I think the whole school might get on better if we weren't divided into houses'. 

'You don't like being in Gryffindor?' James asked, surprised. 

'It's not that' Lily said, 'I love our house, and everything it stands for, but people are so prejudiced about each other as soon as they meet. You assume every Ravenclaw is going to be the top of the class and every Slytherin is going to be a Death Eater in training...' 

She trailed off, and they flew down to the pitch in silence. 

'I guess I can see your point' he said, 'but the Slytherins don't help themselves for a start'. 

'Really?' Lily said, sounding angry, 'What's Cassandra Macmillan ever done to you, exactly?' 

'Well, I don't mean-'

'Or Issac Humphries for that matter?' she snapped. 

'Nothing-'

'I see them every week at prefect meetings and they've never been anything other than lovely to me' 

James was silent as they walked up to the castle, worried that he'd managed to upset her _again_ without meaning to. 

As they crossed the threshold of the castle she sighed; 

'I'm sorry James' 

'What?' his head whipped up in surprise, 'What are you sorry for?' 

'I shouldn't have snapped at you' 

'You're not wrong though' he admitted, 'I do tend to tar them all with the same brush'. 

'I know Nott, and Mulciber, and.. and Snape are all the _worst_ that Slytherin house represents' she said, and James didn't miss how she hesitated over Snape’s name, 'But they aren't the majority of the house, Merlin they aren't even _half_ '. 

She started walking towards the tower and James stopped her, tugging on her sleeve and leading her towards the kitchen instead. 

'Do you talk to Snape any more?' he asked quietly, unsure if this was a subject they were ready to discuss.

She shook her head sadly, ‘Not since the summer’ 

‘Did he ever apologise?’ 

‘Several times’ she said shortly

‘What did you say?’ 

‘Does it matter?’ she said, looking at him sharply, ‘He’s out of my life for good now’. 

‘Sorry’ he said quickly- ‘I know how much he meant to you-’ 

‘Not any more’ she said, reaching out to tickle the pear, ‘He showed the whole school exactly what he thought of me’.

They headed into the kitchen and were immediately accosted by the dozens of house elves who were hard at work. 

‘Mr Potter’ squeaked one,

‘Miss Evans!’ exclaimed another. 

‘Hi Betsy’ Lily said, waving at the house elf who’d greeted her, ‘How is your mother?’ 

The house elf called Betsy hurried over and took the brooms from their hands and set them against the wall, before turning to Lily and beaming. 

‘You are too kind to remember Miss!’ she squeaked, leading them over to the fire, ‘She’s still unwell I’m afraid, but her Master has got a new elf to help her with her chores now, so she can get more rest’. 

‘That’s very nice of him’ James said, surprised, ‘Lots of wizards are in the habit of dismissing elderly elves’. 

Betsy nodded sadly, ‘I know Sir, but Mr Knopp is a very kind man, and has given my mother a good home for many years’. 

‘Well give her my best, won’t you Betsy?’ Lily asked, ‘I wear the scarf she knitted me all the time’. 

‘Oh Miss she will be thrilled to hear that!’ the elf cried, ‘She asked me specially what colour you would like- and I told her you were a Gryffindor through and through’. 

Lily sat down by the fire, shrugging out of her heavy jumper, to reveal her favourite Ramones t-shirt. James joined her, utterly bemused by this entire exchange. 

‘Will you just be wanting a snack?’ one of the other elves asked, setting a tea tray down next to them, ‘Or would you like to have your dinner in here now?’ 

James opened his mouth to reply, but was interrupted by his stomach rumbling loudly. 

‘I think we’ll have our dinner if that’s okay?’ Lily asked, stifling a snicker. 

The elves rushed off, and immediately the kitchen was full of the sounds and smells of cooking. 

‘How on earth’ James began in a low voice, ‘Did you end up friends with a house elf?’ 

‘I don’t know’ Lily shrugged, ‘How does anyone make friends?’ 

‘How long have you been sneaking in here?’ he asked, ‘We didn’t find out how to get in until last year- it’s one of the most guarded secrets in the castle!’. 

‘I’ll have you know I’ve never snuck in’ She said, sitting up straighter- ‘Dumbledore told me how to get in’. 

James raised his eyebrows as he took a swig of tea, and she elaborated; ‘After mum died’ she said, quietly, ‘I didn’t want to come back to the castle. I didn’t want to see anyone… He told me I could eat all my meals in here if I liked, to avoid seeing anyone else’. 

‘You didn’t though’ James said, frowning, ‘Over Christmas you always ate with me in the Common Room’.

She shrugged, immediately going scarlet- ‘Yeah, I decided… I decided I liked the company’

James smiled at her fondly, and for the first time in weeks he found himself daring to wonder what she might say if he asked her out. 

‘I liked it too’ he said gently, ‘Having you here has made the whole thing seem a lot less miserable’. 

She smiled shyly at him, stirring her tea and curling up in her armchair. 

‘And so that’s when you met Betsy?’ he prompted. 

‘Oh no’ Lily said, her brow furrowing, ‘I bet Betsy years ago- she’s one of the elves who cleans the Gryffindor dormitories’. 

‘But we’re never supposed to see them’ James pointed out, ‘It’s the mark of a “good elf” or whatever’. 

‘After Dad died back in first year I didn’t sleep well’ she admitted, ‘I used to be awake at all hours in the common room, feeling homesick and missing him. One day I’d been there all night, and eventually Betsy popped in and asked if I was going to go to bed soon, because she really needed to do the dusting’. She smiled fondly in the direction of the elf, who was now fussing with a pot on the stove. 

‘And the rest is history?’ James asked with a grin. 

Lily nodded, still smiling into her mug, ‘She would come back every night and talk to me while she was doing the cleaning. Sometimes she’d leave chocolates on my bed when she knew I was having a hard week or missing my dad- she told her mum about me and sometimes she’ll bring me presents that her mum made. The scarf was a gift when I told her my mother passed away’. 

A steaming bowl of mushroom soup appeared in front of James and he thanked the elves before tucking in. 

‘Do you want to go driving tomorrow?’ Lily asked suddenly, and James swallowed a large mouthful of soup quickly, scalding his tongue and bringing tears to his eyes. 

‘I’d love to’ he gasped, ‘Can you teach me?’ 

Lily nodded enthusiastically, ‘I can show you- I’ve only had my licence since the summer so we’ll have to stay away from anywhere with muggles’. 

‘How come you got your licence?’ James asked, ‘Why not just wait until you could apparate?’ 

‘It was my dad’s old car’ she said, ‘He used to let me pretend to drive it when I was younger, but a lot of the stuff he taught me stuck. It only took me a little while to actually learn once I started practising. I was working in a shop over the summer too, so it was easier to drive myself there every day’. 

‘I didn’t know you worked in a shop’ James commented, dunking a bread roll into his soup. 

‘Just a muggle greengrocer near where I lived’ she told him, ‘Nothing special, but it earned enough money to buy all my books for this year’. 

‘I bet you were bored out of your mind- Lily Evans, working in a shop’, he said dramatically 

She rolled her eyes at him, ‘Needs must Potter- not all of us had rich parents growing up; have you ever _had_ a job?’ 

He sat up tall, ‘I _have_ actually’ he said defensively. 

‘Doing what?’ 

He immediately regrets saying anything at all. He could have just told her no- that he hadn’t had a job before and she would never have discovered such an embarrassing secret. 

‘Well-’

‘It wasn’t something illegal was it?’ Lily asked, in a way that suggested she’d be unsurprised if it were. 

‘Not illegal, no’ 

‘Then what?’ she pressed. 

‘Well you know my Dad-’ he began.

‘Very famous inventor of Sleekeazy's, yes’. Lily said, rolling her eyes. 

‘Well he needed someone to demonstrate products on’. 

There was a beat of silence while Lily worked out what he meant. Then,

‘You were a poster boy for Sleekeazy's?’ she asked, her eyes widening in delight. 

‘My face was on the bottle for a while’ he said glumly. 

Lily immediately fell about laughing. 

'And that was a paying job?' she cackled, trying not to knock her soup right off the table. 

'Technically no' James muttered, 'Dad just said it was me working for my inheritance'. 

'Fat lot of good that did you' she grinned cheekily at him, 'Stuck at Hogwarts with the poor working class likes of me'. 

'I think we've already established being suck here with you is the opposite of a problem' 

She immediately flushed again and James was struck by the desire to kiss her. He'd thought about it before, of course, but he'd never had such a strong urge to act on the impulse before. 

He shook his head and sat back in his seat quickly before he could make a total prat of himself. 

'Sirius tracked down a couple of the old bottles a few years back' he said ruefully, 'The boys laughed themselves sick when they saw the pictures'. 

'How old were you?' Lily asked, and was it his imagination, or did she nudge her chair closer to him? 

'Er, eight or nine I think' he said, clearing his throat, 'It was before Hogwarts at any rate, but my hair has always been like this' he demonstrated by fluffing his hand through his hair, knowing it'd be stuck up in every direction. 

'I like your hair' she admitted shyly, looking up at him. Then she did something that James had absolutely not expected- she reached out, and lightly brushed her fingers through his hair. 

His entire scalp was tingling, little bolts of electricity seemed to shoot down his spine from the point that she'd touched. Unconsciously he found himself leaning towards her, eager for her to keep touching him. The fire was flickering merrily away in front of them, and the bustle of the kitchen was practically forgotten. 

Suddenly a plate of baked potatoes appeared in James eye line, and he broke away from Lily, startled. 

'Jacket potatoes, baked beans and lots of cheese' Betsy announced proudly, putting the plates down in front of each of them, 'Just like you said you were craving yesterday Miss' she directed at Lily. 

'Thank you Betsy' Lily said, looking incredibly touched, 'It's just like I used to have at home'.

'You're welcome Miss' Betsy said, bowing low and scurrying back to the stove. 

A while later they slowly made their way up to Gryffindor tower, stuffed full of food and content to amble along in silence. James couldn't remember the last time he'd had such a good day, which was ridiculous when he considered the fact they hadn't even left the grounds. 

In reality the only thing that had made it such a good day was Lily. He stepped aside to let her enter the common room first, and she smiled over her shoulder at him. They bid each other goodnight, and James watched as she retreated up the stairs to her dormitory, followed quickly by Hades. 

Okay, he thought to himself, I am _definitely_ in love with Lily Evans. 

**

She didn't know why on earth she thought she could teach him to drive. They'd been in the car for two hours now and he'd already ploughed through one hedge, two fences and nearly killed one of Aberforth's goats. 

'Stop stop stop!' she yelled, as they hurtled towards the side of a barn. 

James managed to slam the breaks on just in time- throwing them both forwards, luckily saved by their seat-belts. 

For a few moments there was nothing but the sound of their heavy breathing in the car, before James asked cheerfully;

'So- shall I try again?' 

Lily shook her head, hard. 

'No no no' she said quickly, fumbling for her seatbelt, 'absolutely not- get out' 

He looked at her with puppy dog eyes and she smacked him on the arm- ' _Out_!' 

Once they were outside the car Lily got a chance to check on the damage he'd inflicted on the front of the car. One of the headlights was smashed, and there were a considerable number of dents and scratches in the blue paint, but otherwise it seemed unscathed. 

With a quick wave of her wand she fixed the damage and turned to level a glare at James, who was standing to one side with him hands in his pockets, looking like he didn't have a care in the world.

One look at her face though and his smile evaporated- he held his hands out in surrender, 'I'm sorry Lil' he said sincerely, 'It's a lot harder than I thought it would be'. 

She sighed, 'Do you really want to learn?' 

He nodded. 

'Fine' she said, 'Get back in the car, but go slowly this time'. 

He saluted her cheekily and dove back into the drivers seat. 

'We should go on a trip' he said, turning the engine back on and slowly reversing away from the barn, 'Drive somewhere for the day'. 

'You're not driving anywhere until you learn to check your mirrors' she said, grabbing the steering wheel to stop them from colliding with a stone wall. 

'You can drive then' James said, 'I don't think I'm ever going to be very good at it'. 

'Where do you want to go?' she asked, as they continued to crawl back to Hogsmeade at 10 miles per hour. 

‘I don’t know’ James shrugged, ‘We could just go down to London and spend the day in Diagon Alley?’ 

‘I’m not driving all the way to London’ Lily said firmly, ‘Driving that far at Christmas nearly wiped me out’. 

‘We’ll get the Knight Bus then’ he suggested, carefully turning on the indicator before turning left. 

‘Okay’ Lily smiled, ‘That sounds nice’. 

‘Tomorrow?’ 

‘We have so much homework to do’ she sighed. ‘I really think we should wait until next week’. 

'Fine' James conceded, 'We can get our homework finished first'.

'Should we invite any of the others to meet us there?' Lily asked, already really hoping he would say no. 

'We could' James replied, sounding unconvinced, 'I supposed Sirius and Dorcas are there any way'. 

'Maybe we could just meet them for a drink in the evening?' she suggested casually, missing the way James grinned at her suggestion. 

'That sounds like a better idea... I'm sure they're busy'. 

'Dorcas got her job in Florish and Blotts back' 

'And Sirius is working in the apothecary' he shrugged, 'so they probably don't have the time for us anyway'. 

They were silent for a moment. 

'You've gotten much better now you're going slowly' Lily pointed out, grinning at him, 'Although I'd hate to see what you'd do if we met another car on the road'. 

'Well luckily for us, that's unlikely to happen' he said, sticking his tongue out at her, 'there isn't a muggle village around here for another 20 miles'. 

'I know- that's why I suggested we come here'. 

The sun was starting to set over the mountains, and Lily realised they must have been in the car for a lot longer than she thought- they'd come out just after lunch. 

'We should head back' she said, 'I'm starving'. 

'Merlin, me too' he groaned, 'I wonder what Betsy will have made tonight?' 

'Hmmm, I think she said she would make Shepherds Pie'. 

She yelped as James suddenly stomped his foot down on the peddle, and the car lurched forward. 

'James!' she shrieked, as they hurtled around a bend, bringing Hogesmede in sight. 

He just laughed at her, bringing the car to a smooth stop outside Aberforth’s barn.

'I'm never letting you drive my car again' she said threateningly, ducking out of the car on shaky legs. 

'I wasn't that bad' James protested, tossing her the keys and rumbling his hair. 

'We nearly _died_ '. 

'You're a bit of a drama queen Lil, has anyone ever told you that?' 

She pretended to swoon, and he just laughed, captured her hand with his, and began towing her towards the castle.

***

Once the first week of the holidays was over and all their homework was finished, James started to feel strangely anxious about their trip to London. 

Because really, it sounded like a date. 

Did she think it was a date? Did he _want_ her to think it was a date? 

He was worried that the answer to the latter was yes. But that the former would be a resounding ‘no’. 

They’d spent the whole of the holidays together so far, and James had managed to not entirely make a prat out of himself yet. But he was starting to worry that asking her out when everything was going to well between them, might just fall into the ‘pratish’ category. 

‘James are you finished with that history book?’ Lily called over to him one afternoon, ‘I still haven’t finished my Arithmancy essay and you’ve been hogging it for days’. 

‘It’s interesting!’ He said defensively, levitating it over to her, ‘Why do you need it, anyway?’ 

Lily hummed distractedly, riffling through the book to find the right section, ‘It’s about one of the troll wars and the use of Arithmancy to predict the outcome’. 

‘Well that sounds boring’ he said frankly, leaning over her essay to see what she’d written, ‘Why’d you take Arithmancy anyway? It’s not exactly required to be a healer’. 

She shrugged, ‘I always found it interesting’. 

‘Well I think you might be a little bit mental Evans’ he teased, swiping her cup of coffee and taking a sip. 

‘I don’t share coffee with people who call me mental’ she said, pretending to look mortally wounded. 

‘Oh yeah?’ James said, cocking an eyebrow, ‘What exactly are you going to do about it?’ 

She stood up, and James stretched up, keeping the cup of coffee out of her reach. 

‘That’s not fair’ she said, pouting, ‘You got freakishly tall recently’. 

‘Thank you for noticing’ he said smoothly, laughing as she attempted to swipe the cup from his hands. 

She scrambled up onto the chair she’d recently vacated quickly, grabbing the half full mug from his hands and chugging the rest of it, waving her hands victoriously. 

Laughing, James picked her up and strode over to the sofa, depositing her among the cushions as she squealed. 

He flopped down on the sofa next to her, and she prodded him in the side with her big toe. 

‘I was working’ she said, ‘You are distracting me’. 

He grabbed her ankle, and began to tickle the underside of her foot. Her eyes widened and she tried to kick him away, ‘James no!’ she exclaimed, fighting a smile, ‘Don’t be a prat- urgh!’ she writhed, helpless and laughing as he continued to mercilessly tickle both feet. 

‘You weren’t really working’ he said teasingly, ‘I know you’ve been doing the crossword all morning’. 

‘I have been multi tasking’ she wheezed, tossing her hair out of her eyes. 

‘Looked like plain old procrastinating to me’ James said serenely, ‘I thought I would rescue you from your terrible plight’. 

His hands had loosened now, and he was hyper aware of the fact that she was practically sitting in his lap. She was wearing a pair of denim shorts, leaving her legs bare- just a smattering of freckles across her left knee like the ones across her nose. He couldn’t help but wonder where else she might have freckles.

He shook his head quickly as if to clear that thought away. 

‘So’ Lily said, resuming poking him with her toe, ‘London tomorrow? The weather is supposed to be gorgeous’. 

‘We can go to Fortescues’ James said somewhat dreamily, his hands still on her legs, ‘I haven’t had one of his chocolate nut sundaes in forever’. 

‘I’ve never been’ she admitted quietly, her head lolling against the armrest of the sofa, ‘I’ve never been to Diagon Alley just for fun, I always go in the summer to get my books, but that’s it’. 

‘Then we will go tomorrow and be proper tourists’ he said, his fingers tracing patterns absentmindedly against her shin, ‘I’ll take you round all the hidden spots’. 

‘There are hidden spots in the middle of London?’ Lily asked doubtfully.

‘I can show you where me and Sirius nearly got arrested that time?’ James said, ‘Or where I bought my first broom? I can show you the pub where we first tried firewhiskey or the bookshop Remus got thrown out of once for “loitering”?’ 

Lily snorted with laughter, ‘I didn’t know that. How long was he in there?’ 

‘Six hours’ James chuckled, ‘And he didn’t buy a single thing’. 

‘Oh Remus’ she laughed, rolling her eyes. She was definitely edging closer to him now, the patterns he’d been tracing on the shin were now slowly making their way up her leg, and she was blushing in a way that definitely suggested James wasn’t the only one wondering where this was going. 

‘James…’ she began, wriggling into more of a sitting position, ‘Is this-?’ she broke off, glancing away from him as colour rose in her cheeks. 

‘What?’ he asked, turning to face her, his heart hammering so loudly against his ribcage she could probably hear it. 

She gnawed on her lip for a moment, before the words all rushed out at once; ‘Jamesisthisadate?’ 

James felt the bottom drop out of his stomach, as if he’d suddenly plummeted from a great height, but a smi le broke out slowly across his face.

‘Do you want it to be?’ He asked hopefully, his hands stilling on her legs. 

She flushed scarlet now, and James wondered how on earth it made her look even more beautiful. 

‘I think so’ she said quietly. 

There was a beat of silence before she looked shyly back up at him expectantly; ‘but if you don’t-’ 

James honestly couldn’t say why he chose to act in that moment- it just seemed like words weren’t really going to be enough, and she looked so uncertain. As if a date with her wasn’t something he’d wanted for the last eight months. 

So he kissed her. 

She was so close he hardly had to move at all- her legs were still sprawled across his lap and it was only too easy to slide his hand up her side and pull her firmly against him. 

She made a small noise of surprise, but her hands came up to thread in his hair and he couldn’t help but respond. Her lips parted and James scooped her up until she was sitting properly in his lap and they were kissing. He’d never let himself think too hard about what it would be like to kiss her, but he would never have imagined it would be like this; slow, soft, gentle. She was rocking gently against him and he let out a quiet moan as her tongue darted against his bottom lip. His hands were on her waist but he ached to send them lower, to pull her against himself and just lose himself in her. 

They broke away and James rested his forehead against hers, both of them breathing hard. 

‘Is that a yes?’ she whispered with a small smile. 

James laughed, and leaned in eagerly to kiss her again. 

***

‘You know the others are going to laugh themselves sick, right?’ Lily asked, as they strolled down Diagon Alley the next day, hand in hand. 

‘Probably’ he shrugged, squeezing her hand comfortingly, ‘I don’t think I really care though, do you?’

She smiled, ‘No, I don’t think I do’. 

They’d spent the whole day exactly how James said they would; ambling around the city, window shopping, eating ice cream and laughing. Lily had felt so nervous when he first reached out and took her hand, but now she found that she couldn’t bear to let go. 

The sun was starting to set and Lily’s feet were killing her, unused to walking all day. James was telling her about a Quidditch game he’d gone to see with his Dad one summer, and they were just rounding the corner near Sirius’ flat when their world exploded. 

For a few moments, there was nothing but white hot pain as she tried to make sense of what had happened. 

Then the screaming started. 

‘James?’ she screamed, scrambling to her feet, wincing as she assessed the damage to her head. 

The smoke was thick, and she could hear curses flying, but had no idea where they were coming from or who was firing them. 

James suddenly appeared next to her, a gash across his jaw and his face coated with soot- he hauled her into the alcove of a building and hissed; ‘Death Eaters’. 

Her stomach clenched in fear as she drew out her wand, mentally going over every spell that she knew. 

‘Go and get help’ she whispered at him, ‘You can run faster than me, get to the Leaky Cauldron and floo straight to Hogsmeade’ 

‘I’m not leaving you’ he said fiercely, ‘someone will have already gone for help- you’d have been able to hear that explosion from everywhere in the fucking alley’. 

Suddenly there was a shouted spell, and the smoke cleared. Lily could see the front of Fortescue’s had been blown to pieces, and the people who had been sat outside the shop enjoying their desserts were now laying, unmoving under piles of rubble. Children were screaming for their parents to wake up, Death Eaters were descending on the scene thick and fast, their faces hidden by masks and draped in heavy black robes. 

People were fleeing the scene, scooping up their children and apparating away. Several men came piling out of the Quidditch supplies shop, and immediately began firing curses into the crowd of Death Eaters. 

No one had spotted them yet, and a strong part of Lily wanted to retreat further into the alcove, maybe cast disillusionment charms on themselves, and hide until it was over. 

‘There’s too many of them’ James muttered, ‘We don’t stand a fucking chance’.

Silently, Lily agreed with him, watching one of the men from the shop take a stunner to the head. 

‘Can you apparate?’ James asked urgently, and Lily shook her head. ‘Shit, me either’. 

For a long moment they both stood there, frozen by indecision and feeling very, very young. 

But then a small child screamed and Lily didn’t remember even giving her legs the command to move before she was sprinting towards the crowd. 

A small girl of five or six had been knocked to the ground and a cloaked figure was approaching her, wand raised. Her face was blotchy and red as she was screaming for her mother, who was duelling two Death Eaters at once while shielding her two younger children behind her. Lily wasn’t even aware of making the decision to stun the hooded figure- one minute he was advancing on the child and the next he lay at her feet, wand still poised to attack. 

She didn’t have time to marvel at how good that had felt- she’d never stunned anyone before. Lily picked the girl up and sprinted over to where her mother was, immediately jumping into the duel one handed, shielding the still crying girl as best she could with her charms. 

Before long both Death Eaters lay at the feet of the two women, and the girl sprang from Lily’s arms and ran to her mother. 

‘Thank you!’ the woman gasped, out of breath, ‘Oh Merlin thank you’. 

Lily glanced around to see that all the Death Eaters were now duelling bystanders who’d come to help. 

‘Quickly!’ she hissed to the woman and her children, ‘Come with me!’ 

She picked up the small girl again and jogged up the street, ducking into an alley way between two shops. 

‘Thank you’ the woman said, again, gripping Lily’s arm when she put her sons down, ‘They came out of nowhere-’ 

‘Keep hidden’ Lily told her, handing the child over ‘and as soon as the fighting stops, run for the Leaky Cauldron’. 

The woman nodded, pulling her children deeper into the alley. 

Lily took a deep breath, and jogged back out to the street, searching for James. He was duelling a hooded figure that was barely taller than Lily, and she had a horrible feeling the posture looked familiar. 

She took off towards them, stunning anyone in a black robe that she could reach and ducking out of the way of as many spells as she could. Adrenaline was pumping, but she still felt a searing charm graze across her right arm, and a whipping jinx made her stumble as it caught her around the ankle. When she got to James he was bleeding, sweaty and red faced, she threw curses and hexes at the Death Eater duelling him, but he barely hesitated before repelling them and continuing the assault on James. 

Her and James worked seamlessly as a team as more Death Eaters joined the fray- firing hex after hex so their opponents never got a chance to do anything but repel their spells. One of the hooded figures yelled; ‘The red haired one is a mudblood!’, and James practically snarled as the number of Death Eaters descending on them doubled. 

Sweat was rolling down her back- her entire body ached from the original explosion and there was a steady trickle of blood escaping a gash across her forehead- but she didn’t focus on any of that. She was so angry she could hear the blood pounding in her ears, louder than the screams and curses of the people around her, louder than the sound of Fortescue’s shop crumbling. 

For the Death Eaters to know she was a muggle born, someone she knew must be under one of those hoods. 

Her eyes flew again to the Death Eater James had been duelling, who had now moved on to fighting some of men from the Quidditch shop; she threw a tripping hex at him, causing his stunning spell to miss a short dark haired man by an inch. 

She could feel James behind her, his hand gripping her wrist as he tried to stop her from running off again. It was as if all her worst fears were realised when the Death Eater finished with his duel, and immediately turned and attacked James instead of her, even though she was closest. 

It had to be Snape under the hood. 

Before Lily had a chance to curse him into a slimy puddle like she so desperately wanted to, there was a cacophony of cracking sounds, as at least 20 people suddenly apparated onto the scene. 

She spotted Dumbledore first- and she realised it was the first time she’d seen him since Christmas. He looked older, tired, but his eyes were glinting dangerously as he surveyed the scene in front of him, drawing his wand out and immediately immobilising five of the Death Eaters closest to him. 

Next she saw McGonagall, who stepped straight into a duel against one of the largest Death Eaters. 

To her surprise she also saw Alice Greengrass, Frank Longbottom and Marlene McKinnon- all looking much older and harsher than the last time she’d seen them, as if they’d been in many fights like this one. 

‘Lil we have to move’ James said, tugging her out of the way, ‘We’re right in the middle of the street’. 

They dove down a side street, and Lily was horrified to see how many bodies there were strewn across the pavement. She dropped to her knees and began to check the nearest casualty for any signs of a heartbeat, while James did the same a few yards away. 

They were too late. 

Lily repressed a sob as James pulled her away from the dead man on the ground and deeper into the alley, away from the bodies. 

'No! Not Angela, let her go!' came an anguished scream from the other end of the alley.

Lily and James barely spared a glance at each other before sprinting to the source of the scream. As they rounded a bend they saw the family Lily had helped before cowering against a building, the mother holding her wand high as she attempted to shield her sons from the Death Eater in front of them.

The hooded figure had the girl Lily had rescued before by her blonde pigtails, and was holding her in place while she attempted to wriggle free, crying and screaming for her mother to help her. 

'Let her go!' the woman was demanding, 'She's six years old!' 

'And how pure is her blood, exactly?' snarled the Death Eater, 'Angela is a filthy, muggle name'. He spat at the woman and James moved as if to curse the cloaked man. 

'Don't!' Lily hissed, grabbing his arm, 'You might hit the girl!' 

The girl's mother had obviously had the same thought- her wand stayed ready as her sons hid behind her, but she made no move to attack. 

'We're half blood' the woman said defiantly, 'So let her go!' 

The man drew back his wand as if to attack, when a bolt of red light whizzed straight through the air and hit the struggling child square in the chest. 

For as long as she lived Lily would never forget the mother's scream of horror. 

James and Lily span to face the source of the curse, only to find Marlene McKinnon standing at the end of the alley, preparing to fire another spell at the Death Eater. 

She didn't need to; the moment her child went limp and unresponsive in the Death Eater's arms, the woman had attacked. 

Where a moment ago the hooded figure had been standing, there was now a purple, oozing slug. 

Lily immediately ran to help, dropping to her knees beside the small, broken body as the woman sobbed. 

'Angela!' the young boys were crying now too, not sure why their sister wasn't waking up. 

'She's alive' Lily said shortly, waving her wand quickly to try and determine the damage. 

'Oh Merlin' the woman said, gripping her daughter's hand as if the force of her grip alone could will her daughter back into consciousness. 

'It was just a stunner' a distraught voice said, I was aiming for him, but she moved-' 

'We need to get her to St Mungos' Lily interrupted, 'She's strong- to take a stunner to the chest at any age is risky, but she's so _young_ -', she broke off, determined not to sob out loud. 

Alice appeared suddenly over Lily's shoulder, barely sparing a glance and Marlene, who was now silently crying, before dropping to her knees next to them. 

'I heard the scream' she said in an undertone to Lily, 'Most of the fighting has stopped now, Dumbledore is just rounding up a few particularly determined Death Eaters'. 

Lily just nodded, not trusting herself to speak. She hadn’t seen Alice in nearly a year- but the woman next to her barely resembled the girl Lily had said goodbye to at the end of the last school year. Her face was still slightly rounded, her blonde hair cut much shorter than the last time Lily had seen her, but her eyes betrayed her. She looked older, defiant, as if the scene in front of her was commonplace. 

'Hello' Alice said to the woman in front of them, who was still clutching her daughter's hand, 'My name is Alice- I can take your daughter to St Mungos now, and you can meet us there?'. 

Ever the diplomat, Alice had phrased it as a question, but they all knew that it was the only option- the boys were much too young to be taken by side along apparition. The woman glanced up at Alice and seemed to register that she was clad in auror robes, before nodding slowly.

'Her- her name is Angela' she croaked, and Alice lay a gentle, soothing hand over hers. 

'I'll take the best care of her' she said, 'What's your name? I'll let the healers know you're coming for her'. 

The woman sniffed, standing to help lift her daughter into Alice's waiting arms, 'It's Jennifer' she said, 'I'll be there as soon as I can drop the boys at my mothers'. 

With a crack, Alice and Angela disappeared, and Jennifer let out a sob. 

'Mummy?' the youngest of the boys said, 'Why won't Angie wake up? Where did that lady take her?' 

Jennifer blinked fast, wiping her tears away with the back of her hand. 

'She got hurt by that nasty man' she said, keeping her voice steady, 'and that lady has taken her to see the healers'. 

'Is she going to die?' 

The words were so blunt, so innocent and spoken with a soft lisp, that Lily nearly broke down then and there, the image of the small, wounded girl fresh in her mind. 

Then James stooped down so he was level with the small boy, ‘No’ he said firmly, ‘The healers are fantastic and they’re going to make her all better again’. 

Lily nodded in agreement, ‘Owl us when you find out how she is’ she said to Jennifer, ‘Gryffindor Tower’. 

The older woman nodded gratefully, before picking up the smallest boy, taking the other by the hand and hurrying away. 

‘Lil-’ James started, tentatively putting his hand on her back, ‘Dumbledore wants to see us-’. 

Lily’s eye were burning with tears, her whole body ached, there was a burn running the length of arm that throbbed in time with her heartbeat and every time she shut her eyes she saw Angela crumpling to the ground again. 

‘Lil?’ James said quietly, and there was such care and concern in his voice, that Lily turned to bury her face in his chest, and sobbed. 

***

She cried for a long time. 

It was alarming, but not exactly unexpected. But he’d never seen her cry before, so he didn’t know what she might want, or need. When Remus cried he wanted to be left alone, when Sirius cried he usually wanted to hit something and go flying to burn off some energy, Peter rarely cried, but when he did he wanted to be with Cynthia. 

Lily was a mystery. 

He settled for just holding her, mindful of the scattering of cuts and burns on both their bodies, he curled his arms around her and absorbed her shaky sobs. Dumbledore was waiting for them in the Leaky Cauldron, but James didn’t bloody care. All he cared about was the girl in his arms, and the fact she was a target now. 

They’d known- they’d known she was muggle born and that made James uneasy. Someone must have told them, someone they knew must have been under one of those hoods, and there was no way they could avoid that subject forever. 

Eventually her sobs came further apart, and she pulled away from him, looking embarrassed. He quickly wiped a few of his own tears away with the back of his hand.

‘It’s OK’ he said, swiping his thumb over her cheek to brush away and errant tear, ‘it’s going to be alright’. 

‘No’ she said, her throat scratchy, ‘No it isn’t’. 

He couldn’t really bring himself to disagree, the bodies of the fallen were all too fresh in his minds eye. 

They stood in silence a moment longer, before she pulled away completely, taking his hand. 

‘Dumbledore?’ she said. 

‘Dumbledore’ he agreed, leading the way to the Leaky Cauldron. 

When they arrived the atmosphere was subdued, not at all like it usually was. A section of tables had been pushed aside near the fire, and turned into a sort of medical bay.

There were a lot of faces James recognised, but even more he didn’t. McGonagall was there, patching up a beautiful young woman who was holding herself with dignity despite being covered in blood. Dumbledore was in deep discussion with Frank Longbottom, who kept throwing hopeful glances towards the door, and the girl James had recognised earlier as Cynthia’s sister was slumped miserably by the fire, avoiding eye contact with anyone. 

McGonagall finished with the witch by the fire and made a beeline over to them. 

‘Wrong time, wrong place’ she said to them sadly, taking their chins in her hand and inspecting their injuries, ‘Come over here now, sit by Emmeline’. She inclined her head toward the stately looking witch, who was now vanishing the blood from her clothes. 

They sat in silence as McGonagall tended to their injuries- she made tutting noises at the burn on Lily’s arm, but immediately stemmed the flow of blood from her head wound. James made a mental note to ask her later how she did that. 

‘I’m afraid that’s going to scar, Lily’ the Professor said gently, after five minutes of fruitlessly waving her wand over Lily’s burn. 

Lily didn’t reply, just shrugged. 

McGonagall frowned in concern, but moved on to healing the other wounds littering Lily’s face and arms. 

‘What were they after, Professor?’ James asked quietly, glancing around the room to see who might be listening, ‘Why would they attack Fortescue’s?’ 

‘We don’t know’ McGonagall answered, ‘Fortescue is a powerful wizard in his own right- perhaps they want him on their side and he refused’. 

‘Why don’t you ask him?’ 

‘He went missing four weeks ago’ McGonagall said shortly. 

James didn't know how to reply to that. 

They sat in silence for a while longer while McGonagall tended their wounds, before Dumbledore strode over to them. 

'Mr Potter, Ms Evans' he began, inclining his head towards each of them, 'I understand you were on the scene from the very beginning'. 

They both nodded. 

'Could you tell me what you saw?' he said gently, summoning two bottles of butterbeer from the bar and pressing them into their hands. 

Lily said nothing, just continued to stare at her hands. 

'We were walking towards Fortescue’s' James said, 'When we were suddenly blown backwards'. 

Dumbledore nodded, 'The shop was attacked from the inside'. 

'We didn't know what had happened' James shrugged, 'There was a lot of smoke and screaming- I grabbed Lily and we hid in an alcove until the smoke cleared enough for us to see what was happening'. 

'It was the best thing you could do' Dumbledore nodded, 'The majority of the casualties were sustained before the smoke cleared- hiding probably saved your lives'. 

The words weren't much comfort to James. 

'Someone cast a spell to clear the smoke' he remembered, 'and then someone screamed, and Lily-'. 

He broke off, glancing over to the red head. 

'There was a girl' Lily said quietly, 'She was screaming'. 

James said nothing- the stone cold fear he'd experienced as Lily took off across the battlefield without a backward glance would stay with him forever. 

'I stunned the Death Eater who was about to attack her' Lily continued, still not making eye contact with any of them 'And went to help her mother'. 

McGonagall sat down next to Lily, covering her hands with her own. 

'That was very brave' McGonagall said gently. 

Lily just shrugged. 

'We went to hide in the alley after that' James said, 'We checked to see if any of the people on the ground were breathing but-' 

He broke off again, looking away from the two professors. 

'There was nothing you could have done' Dumbledore said sagely, 'You saved lives today- try not to dwell on those you couldn't'. 

'And what about Angela?' Lily said fiercely, looking up from her hands at long last, 'She is never going to fully recover from that stunner, and it wasn't a Death Eater who did that'.

'Miss Greengrass is with the girl at St Mungos now' Dumbledore said soothingly, 'She says there is a good chance the she'll make a full recovery'. 

'And if she doesn't?' Lily demanded, 'She's six years old- Marlene should never have thrown that stunner, we knew she would hit Angela'. 

'It was an impulse decision' Dumbledore agreed, 'And Marlene knows it'. 

Lily looked back down at her hands. 

'It doesn't change the fact Angela may never recover'. 

'You're right- it doesn't' Dumbledore said simply, getting to his feet, 'I would like to see the two of you upstairs, Tom is going to send up something to eat'. 

He walked back over to the bar, where Frank was now talking in hushed voices with Marlene. 

'Up you go' McGonagall said, gesturing towards the stairs, 'The meeting will be in the first room on the left'. 

Lily and James rose and made their way up the old and creaking staircase. The let themselves in to the room McGonagall mentioned and settled down on the sofa in front of the fire. 

‘Are you OK?’ James asked, edging closer to her, ‘I mean- as OK as you can be, considering?’.

‘No’ she said shortly, ‘And I don’t really know how I can be’. 

She wasn’t crying any more- on the contrary, she sounded angry. 

‘We’re still here’ James reminded her, ‘We survived’. 

‘But how many didn’t?’ she said, ‘How many innocent people died today, just because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time?’. 

The fire cracked loudly, casting a flickering light over the two of them. They were both filthy, sweaty, blood soaked and stinking of burning flesh and clothing. They were covered in soot from the original explosion, and the back of James’ head throbbed in time with his heart beat where he’d been thrown to the ground. While the worst of their wounds had been patched up my McGonagall, but James’ entire body ached with exhaustion, and Lily’s burnt arm looked gruesome in the low light. 

The door creaked open and Tom appeared, wheeling a tray laden with enough food to feed a small army. To James’ surprise, he was followed in by two very familiar faces. 

‘Sirius! Dorcas!’ Lily and James said in surprise, springing to their feet. 

Their friends looked just as roughed up as they did. A whole section of Dorcas’ hair was missing, her clothes torn and bloody. Sirius immediately pulled James into a hug- and James wrinkled his nose.

‘You smell as bad as we do mate’ He said, trying to lighten the mood. 

Sirius let out a laugh that sounded more like a sob, and collapsed onto the sofa behind them. 

‘Dumbledore said you were caught in the fighting too’ Dorcas said, pulling Lily’s arm towards her and frowning at the burn, ‘But he didn’t say what happened to you’. 

Lily shook her head and sat back down on the sofa, Sirius threw an arm around her and dropped a kiss on the top of her head, only grimacing a bit at the soot. 

‘What were you doing so far from school?’ he asked her, before looking up at James. 

James and Lily shared a look. ‘We fancied a trip to Fortescue’s- since the weather was so nice’ he said casually, ‘Got a bit more excitement than we were really bargaining on’. 

‘What about you?’ Lily said, ‘Your flat is down the other end of the alley’. 

‘We finished work at the same time’ Dorcas explained, swiping a scone off the food trolley, ‘We were heading up to the Leaky for a drink’. 

James picked up the teapot and started pouring them all cups of strong tea, practically ladling sugar into each one. It seemed like the sort of thing his mother would have done. 

‘We didn’t see you’ James said, handing the cups out, ‘We were right outside Fortescue’s when it blew’. 

‘We were a bit further down’ Dorcas said. 

Sirius nodded, ‘We ended up taking out Death Eaters who were trying to leg it once the Order showed up’. 

‘The Order?’ Lily asked, pulling away from him with a frown. 

‘Yeah- Dumbledore was telling us downstairs- did he not explain to you-?’ he trailed off, spotting the confusion on James and Lily’s faces. 

‘I’m sure that’s what he wanted to meet us up here for’ Dorcas said in a businesslike manner, sharing out the scones now. 

They sat in silence for a while, sipping the hot sweet tea and picking at the pastries in front of them. 

The door creaked open for a third time and Frank, Alice and Marlene piled into the room, followed by the stately witch McGonagall had been tending to downstairs. They all smiled in greeting and made themselves tea before pulling up chairs to the fire. 

‘How is Angela?’ Lily asked immediately, moving to sit next to Alice. 

The older girl smiled sadly, ‘She was revived by the healers as soon as we got to St Mungos- she’s very disorientated, but they won’t know what damage the stunner did to her until they can run some tests’. 

‘It might not be too bad though’ Lily mused, ‘If she was revived quite quickly’. 

Alice nodded, ‘It might mean her growth is a little stunted for a while, since she is so young’. 

‘I didn’t know a stunner could do that’ James said, blinking in surprise. 

‘It’s a curse’ Lily pointed out, ‘It might seem more or less harmless to us, but it can really injure people who are already weak, especially children or the elderly’. 

Marlene didn’t say anything. 

The door swung open a third time and Dumbledore stood on the threshold, smiling serenely as if they were all simply there for a tea party and not because people had been murdered in cold blood barely an hour ago. 

It irked James, but he couldn’t put his finger on why. 

‘Thank you for all coming’ He began, striding into the room, ‘I know you probably all want to go home after this evening’. 

That was an understatement, James thought darkly to himself as Dumbledore removed his cloak, revealing bright blue robes. 

‘I have asked you here to tell you about the Order of the Phoenix- and I trust that you all will act with discretion, and that everything I will tell you today will not leave this room’. 

He surveyed them over the rim of his glasses as he sat down, and the atmosphere was tense, silent. 

‘The Order was assembled three years ago by several people, myself, Miss McKinnon and Ms Vance included’ He said, inclining his head towards each woman, ‘We are a group acting it utmost secrecy, stopping attacks before they can happen, collecting intelligence, and trying to thwart Voldemort at every turn’. 

There was a harsh intake of breath at the sound of the name, and out of the corner of his eye, James saw Lily roll her eyes. 

‘I had intended to reveal the Order to you all upon the completion of your education’ Dumbledore continued, ‘But the events of this evening deemed it prudent to inform you all sooner’. 

He let the words hang in the air for a moment, before continuing, ‘You are some of the best and brightest of your class- the Order would be lucky to have you. I understand you may have had other plans for your future, but I would implore you to consider taking a position with the Order instead’. 

Sirius was the one to break the heavy silence that settled over them all, ‘You’re recruiting us?’ he said incredulously. 

Dumbledore chuckled gently, 'Yes Mr Black, I am recruiting you. A little earlier than I intended, I'll admit. But you all proved this evening that you would make valuable additions to our cause'. 

'And if we don't want to join?' Lily asked, and James turned to look at her in shock. 

'You don't wait to join?' Sirius asked her, looking equally as baffled. 

'I didn't say that' she said bluntly, 'It was just a question'. 

'If you don't want to join Miss Evans you are under no obligation' Dumbledore said, ignoring the others. 

'What about Remus? Peter?' James asked. 

'Mary? Cynthia?' Dorcas added. 

'They are among the people we intended to recruit upon graduation' Dumbledore admitted, 'And I understand you may not be able to keep this from them should you intend to join'. 

'So you'll recruit them early too?' James prompted. 

'Yes, we would like to meet with all of you once lessons resume. We have several other of your classmates to approach'. 

'This is where you've been all term?' Lily asked, 'Since you left the school in January?'

'Mostly, yes' he said, pouring himself some tea, 'I have been recruiting for the Order, running missions and gathering information on Voldemort's supporters'. 

'Who else is in the Order?' Dorcas asked, speaking for the first time since Dumbledore entered the room, 'You and McGonagall, obviously- any of the other teachers?' 

'I hope you'll understand that I can't tell you that' Dumbledore said almost apologetically. 

Dorcas just nodded, settling back against the arm of the sofa. 

'I don't expect an answer from any of you right away' he continued, 'This is a decision that shouldn't be taken lightly, you are all of age but this is still something that shouldn't be rushed'. 

Sirius was fidgeting with his empty tea cup, and James could almost read his mind. 

'What about money?' Sirius asked, sounding uncomfortable, 'I don't have any, and I was relying on a paying job once I left Hogwarts'. 

'We have a fund for a small salary for our members' Dumbledore said, 'And being a member of the Order isn't a full time job, you would be able to continue working, say, at the apothecary'. 

Sirius just nodded, exchanging a glance with Dorcas. 

'What sort of work do you undertake?' Lily asked sounding worried, looking over at Alice now. With a jolt of jealousy, James remembered that the two of them had dated the previous year.

‘Frank and I are both in the auror training programme’ Alice explained, ‘So a lot of the work we do is around recruitment of our class mates and occasionally we will assist on missions’. 

‘What kind of missions?’ James asked.

‘Missions like today’ Frank said shortly, ‘We spend our days off at the Order’s headquarters, so when reports like today come in we’re ready to spring straight into action’. 

‘So you spend all your time on call for the Order?’ Lily asked, ‘Aren’t you still studying as part of the auror programme?’. 

‘We study when we can’ Alice shrugged, ‘We can work while at headquarters, but our work for the Order often takes priority’. 

‘What about you, Marlene?’ Dorcas asked, ‘Cynthia has been worried sick about you, does she know what you’ve been doing?’

Marlene didn’t reply right away, and James noticed she was still not making eye contact with him or Lily, ‘She knows that I’m part of a resistance movement’ she said finally, ‘I couldn’t give her too many details, but I needed to explain why she couldn’t always reach me’. 

‘Were you always planning on recruiting her when she left school?’ Dorcas asked, ‘Because at the moment she’s talking about going into hiding with Mary’. 

This was news to a lot of them, who looked over at Dorcas in shock.

‘I thought she might’ Marlene admitted, ‘I know her grades aren’t the best, and she’s not the best fighter, but I wanted to give her the opportunity’. 

‘Does Peter know about this?’ Sirius said, looking at Dorcas now, ‘If Cynthia is going into hiding he’ll want to go with her, no doubt’. 

Dorcas nodded, ‘I’m sure he does- they tell each other everything’. 

Sirius and James exchanged a concerned look, they had both assumed that Peter would do whatever it took to fight Voldemort, but James was starting to suspect he would do whatever his girlfriend did. 

‘Where are the headquarters?’ James asked, ‘Here in London?’ 

‘You’ll be told the location of the headquarters should you decide to join’ Dumbledore said, ‘I hope you can understand that we need to keep its whereabouts as quiet as possible’. 

They all nodded as Dumbledore stood. 

‘I will be returning to Hogwarts once lessons resume on Monday’ he said, putting his cloak back on and setting his tea cup back down on the tray, ‘I will gather those I wish to join the Order then, and I would ask you not inform them before hand. Yes, even Mr Lupin’ he said, as Lily and James had both opened their mouths to argue, ‘It is best they hear it from me’. 

Alice and Frank stood too, ‘We’ll take Lily and James back to school’ Frank said, ‘and Marlene can escort Sirius and Dorcas back home’. 

Dumbledore nodded gratefully, ‘You did well today, all of you’. 

James couldn’t help but feel they could have done better. 

Dumbledore swept from the room and they were all left looking somewhat awkwardly at each other. 

James and Lily bid goodbye to Dorcas and Sirius, agreeing that they would owl each other the next day. The two of them made their way out of the pub followed by Frank and Alice. 

'Well' James said, hoping to break the tension, 'That was all very intense'. 

'You can say that again mate' Frank replied with a dark chuckle, 'You were thrown in the deep end there- I was recruited by Dumbledore when I'd already left school, I had time to get used to the idea before I was in a fire fight'. 

'Are you OK?' Alice was asking Lily gently, 'You're handling this really well'. 

'I don't think anyone could handle this well' Lily said waspishly, cradling her arm. 

'Still better than I did' Alice shrugged, 'I swore I wouldn't join at first, I'd wanted to be an auror for so long, it was all I wanted to do'. 

'What changed your mind?' James asked.

'Do you remember the attack in Yorkshire about a year ago?' she said, and when James and Lily both nodded she sighed, 'We were there- me, my mum and my dad'

Lily looked stricken, 'What happened?' 

'Dad took a curse to the chest, he's still in St Mungos' Alice said heavily, 'Mum is OK- but she's lost without him. They've been together since Hogwarts, we were in York to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary'. 

'And that made you decide to join?' James prompted. 

'Yeah' she said simply, 'I mean, I know it might seem stupid but we're pure-bloods, and yet the Death Eaters would have killed us just as soon as anyone else there- it made me realise I needed to get my head out of my arse and fight, because no one is actually safe until Voldemort and his followers are stopped'. 

Her words seemed to ring in the dark silence of the street, and James swallowed heavily, unsure how to respond. 

'Are we apparating them back Al?' Frank asked, and Alice nodded. 

'It's quicker, and safer'. 

She held her arm out to Lily, as Frank held his towards James. James took the offered arm and immediately felt the world around him vanish. His entire body felt as if it was being shoved through a rubber tube, and then with a gulp of fresh air he realised they were now standing outside the Hogs Head. 

'Shall we get a drink?' Frank asked, 'I don't know about you but I could use one'. 

With a crack the girls appeared next to them, Lily still cradling her injured arm to her side. 

'I think a drink sounds like a good idea' James said, reaching out and taking Lily's hand. 

The four of them entered the bar and settled at the table nearest the exit. 

Aberforth stomped over to them, scowling, 'You lot look like shite' he said bluntly, dropping glasses of whiskey down in front of each of them. 'I'm bettin’ you were all right in the middle of the fightin’ down in London today then'. 

They all nodded, and Aberforth put the bottle down, 'on the house' he said, walking back to the bar.

'Aberforth is in the Order too' Alice said quietly, checking around them to see if anyone was in earshot, 'We don't know what he does, but he's never at headquarters and he never seems to be there if theres a big attack'. 

'Do you know how many people are in the order?' Lily asked, 'I know you can't tell us who' she added hastily. 

'I've met maybe, 30, 40 people?' She said, looking over at Frank for confirmation, who nodded. 

'That's not a lot' James said, 'Not against how many Voldemort has'. 

'I think that's partially why Dumbledore was willing to recruit you early' Frank said, leaning back in his chair and taking a sip of his drink, 'He doesn't show it often, but I think he's worried. I think we're losing'. 

'Frank!' Alice hissed, looking around again to see who might be listening, 'That's not the attitude to have!'

Frank shrugged, 'It's the truth- and I'm not willing to bullshit you to get you to join' he said seriously, looking James in the eye, 'It's fucking hard work- people die and you never know what's going to happen one day to the next. But every day you're saving lives and helping stop Voldemort- so you have to decide if it's worth it'. 

He took the bottle of whiskey and poured them all a fresh drink as they mulled over his words. 

'Let's not talk about it any more' Alice said, 'It's been a fucking awful night- distract us? How’s Hogwarts?' 

'It's the same as ever' Lily said, 'Karen and David got the head gigs after you and William left, and they're decent at the job'. 

'They're both Hufflepuffs right?' Frank said, 'I think Karen's older brother was in my year'. 

Lily nodded, 'They upped the prefect rounds, and gave prefects more power to try and stop people from doing stupid shit while Dumbledore was gone'. 

'More power?' Alice asked, topping up their drinks again, 'Like what?' 

'We can dock points now' Lily shrugged, and James noticed she didn't sound very enthusiastic about it, 'But it mostly just creates a tonne of paperwork'. 

'I hear the two of you are getting married' James said, smiling at the two of them, 'Congratulations' 

'Cheers' Frank said, putting an arm around Alice, 'I know a lot of people said it was sudden, but-' he shrugged. 

'No time like the present' Alice said with a small smile at Lily, who held her glass up in a toast. 

'No time like the present' she declared, and they all clinked glasses. 

'When is the wedding?' James asked, as Lily refilled their glasses. 

'May' Alice said, 'We're only having a small ceremony with family- it wouldn't feel right having a big celebration right now'. 

Lily nodded, but James frowned; 'That's exactly why you should have a big celebration!' he said, 'to show Voldemort that you're not putting your lives on hold because of him, that life is going to keep going on no matter what he does'

Frank snorted, 'That's exactly what I said, but Dumbledore agreed with Alice, he said it was too risky' 

'Risky?' James asked

'Half our friends and family are in the Order- having us all in one place at the same time would just make us a target'. 

He said it so bluntly that James felt his heart sink. Would this be his life if he joined the Order? Unable to even throw a wedding for fear of having their guests murdered before the cake was cut? 

Some of his concerns must have shown on his face, as Lily reached for his hand under the table and squeezed it gently. He tried to smile at her, but his whole face felt stiff. 

The bottle slowly got emptier and emptier, and Lily ended up curled against James' chest, his arm around her protectively as she started to doze off. 

'We should really get you back to school' Frank said, rubbing his eyes, 'Minerva will probably have a fit when she finds out we stopped at the pub'. 

'Sod her' Alice scowled, 'We needed this'. 

James nodded in agreement, 'I don't think we were ready to go and sit in the common room and process everything straight away- so thank you'. 

They all stood to leave, James supporting a sleepy Lily with a hand around her waist. 

'You'll have to owl us your decision' Alice said, as they trekked along the path to the castle, 'I'm sure Dumbledore will tell us, but it's nice to hear from people in the outside world occasionally'. 

'Al you're making it sound like we're in a cult' Frank interjected. 

Alice laughed, ‘It does feel a bit like it sometimes’ she admitted, linking arms with Lily, ‘Between auror training and the Order, we’re around the same group of people 24/7, sometimes I miss being at Hogwarts’. 

James tried to repress the twinge of jealousy he felt as Alice and Lily walked ahead, their arms still linked. 

‘So are you and Lily…?’ Frank asked, waggling his eyebrows at James. 

‘We’re-’ he started, but realised quickly he didn’t know how to finish that sentence now, ‘Today was supposed to be our first date’ he admitted tugging his hand through his hair. 

Frank let out a low whistle, ‘That is bad luck my friend’ he said consolingly, ‘You could not have had worse timing if you’d tried’. 

James snorted, ‘You think?’ 

‘Well, I wish you the best’ Frank said sincerely as the gates came in to view, ‘In all honesty I think the world needs a little more love in it these days’. 

The gates swung open as they approached, and James and Lily turned to face the older couple. 

‘Take care of yourself Lil’ Alice said, pulling Lily into a hug, which James couldn’t help but feel lasted a little longer than it needed to. 

‘Maybe we’ll be seeing you soon then, yeah?’ Frank said, shaking James’ hand, and James nodded.

‘Definitely’

‘We’ll see’ Lily said with a sad smile. 

James took Lily’s hand, and the two of them made their way up to the castle. 

***

‘No’ 

‘Lily you’re being unreasonable-’

‘I mean it James- I don’t want any part in it!’ 

‘But-’

‘I don’t see how that’s unreasonable!’ She yelled, barely resisting the temptation to start throwing things at his head, ‘What about Cynthia and Mary? They aren’t going to join either, and I don’t see you yelling at them!’ 

‘You’re better than them Lil!’ James pleaded, and she could tell from his expression he knew he’d said the wrong thing. 

‘How exactly am I better, James?’ 

‘You’re just- I don’t know- you always-’ He was stammering now, and Lily had to bite her lip to keep from smiling nastily. 

It was six days after the attack. Lessons had resumed the previous day and Dumbledore, true to his word, had summoned them to a meeting with several of their classmates to propose recruiting them to the Order. 

Most of them were shocked, honoured to be included and eager to get started. 

But not Lily. 

She wasn’t going to join. She was adamant about that. Six nights she’d lain awake, staring at the canopy above her bed and hearing Angela’s scream play over and over in her head. She’d received an owl from Jennifer a few days previously, Angela was struggling to breathe now; the stunner had done irreversible damage to her lungs. And it wasn’t a Death Eater who’d done it to her, it was Marlene. 

Marlene who’d been in sixth year when the girls had started at Hogwarts, who’d come in every night to detangle and braid Cynthia’s hair because she couldn’t quite do it herself. 

Marlene who’d caught Lily out of bed one night after she’d been sneaking into the library, and instead of giving her detention, had laughed and told her she should ask McGonagall permission to take some of the restricted books out of the library if she was so interested in them she was willing to break the rules. 

The Marlene of Lily’s memory would never have taken such a stupid risk to fire that stunner. She would never have done it if there was a chance it might hit a child. And yet the Marlene they’d met in that alley was hardened by war, hardened by the Order.

That wasn’t going to happen to Lily. 

She was going to train as a healer, be there to tend to the wounded, not create them. 

‘You wanted to fight’ James was saying now, looking exasperated, ‘What changed?’ 

‘Angela’ Lily said shortly, extinguishing the candles in the classroom they’d had the meeting in. Everyone had left half an hour ago, talking in hushed, excited voices.

There had been a surprising number of people there, and Lily wondered if Frank had been right, if Dumbledore was recruiting everyone he could now because they were losing. 

James ran his hands through his hair in frustration, ‘That was an accident Lil’ he said, ‘These things happen, and she’s in the best hands now’. 

‘It shouldn’t have happened’ Lily said shortly, ‘Marlene should never have cast that curse. It was stupid, impulsive and reckless’. 

‘And she’s sorry- but the Death Eater was arrested and Angela is going to be fine!’ 

‘She’s not sorry though’ Lily replied fiercely, ‘Not nearly as sorry as she should be- she thinks the end justifies the means but it doesn’t James!’ 

‘What would you have done then?’ James asked, folding his arms. 

‘I- I’ Lily floundered for a moment before admitting, ‘I don’t know’. 

James just raised his eyebrows. 

‘Don’t look at me like that’ she scowled, ‘I don’t know what I would have done, I just know she made the wrong call’. 

‘Sometimes it’s the only call to make though Lil’ he said gently, and Lily really, really wanted to punch him. 

‘No’ she said, backing away from him, picking up her bag and making her way towards the door, ‘I refuse to believe that a six year old receiving life changing injuries from a witch who is supposed to be helping her is the “only call”’, she practically snarled the last part, escaping into the corridor and slamming the door behind her. 

She was angry. _Merlin_ she was _so_ angry. 

It wasn’t fair that this was the only way they could fight Voldemort. A secret society, hidden in the shadows. Were the aurors not enough? Had the wizarding world really become so corrupt that they needed a clandestine organisation to bring down a wizard who was so obviously evil? 

She stormed down the corridor, barely minding where she was going, before colliding with a very solid body and sprawling to the ground, her dignity taking a nose dive as she did.

‘We really need to stop meeting like this Lil’ came a dry voice from somewhere above her. 

Remus held his hand out, pulling her to her feet. 

‘Thanks’ she said shortly, tugging her robes back into place, ‘What are you doing out here? Curfew is in ten minutes’. 

‘I’ve been with Benjy’ he said, sounding dejected. 

‘And I take it it wasn’t for a romantic evening’ she said dryly. 

‘He doesn’t want to join the Order’ Remus shrugged, ‘He thinks I’m daft for even considering it’.

Lily cocked an eyebrow and Remus snorted, ‘You too, huh?’ 

‘I was there Remus’ she said shortly, ‘You weren’t. I don’t want to be part of it’. 

‘But-’

‘No’ she said, starting to walk towards Gryffindor tower ‘I’m not arguing about this any more tonight’ 

‘More?’ He said, falling into step next to her. 

‘James’ 

‘Ah’ 

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

‘What’s what supposed to mean?’ 

‘”Ah”’ she mimicked. 

‘It’s a single syllable Lil, I didn’t mean anything by it’. 

She scowled at him and he held his hands up in surrender, ‘You two hadn’t fought about anything in a while is all, something was bound to happen to disrupt the peace’. 

‘Well what about you and Benjy?’ Lily pointed out, ‘You’ve never argued’. 

‘We just don’t’ Remus shrugged, ‘But you and James, you always have. You’ve always challenged each other’. 

‘That’s a polite way of saying we drove each other mad’ she said, rolling her eyes. 

‘It’s chemistry’ 

‘It’s a pain in the arse’ she corrected. 

They walked in silence for a moment, and Lily was still half expecting James to catch up with them to continue their screaming match. 

‘I think I’m going to break up with Benjy’ Remus said finally, as they turned onto the seventh floor corridor. 

‘What? Why?’ Lily came to a halt, ‘Just because he doesn’t wait to join the Order?’. She hoped she didn’t sound too panicked, but she couldn’t help but worry that this would be a deal breaker for James. How could they possibly be in a relationship if only one of them joined? 

‘A few reasons, really’ Remus said quietly, ‘But yeah, that’s one of them’. 

‘What other reasons?’ she asked, ‘You seemed really happy together’. 

‘He’s very house proud, for one thing’ Remus began, ‘And he doesn’t seem to care about attacks if they aren’t happening on his doorstep’. 

‘He just hasn’t seen the effect of the war yet’ Lily argued, ‘None of us really had, we’re so sheltered in the castle’. 

‘And yet you don’t want to join the Order?’ Remus retorted, ‘You complain we’re sheltered, but you don’t want to fight either?’ 

‘It’s not that I don’t want to fight’ Lily said, ‘I just don’t know if the Order is the right way to do it’. 

'It might be the only way to fight' Remus pointed out, 'The way Dumbledore made it sound the aurors aren't doing much, and they're the only other team out there fighting the dark arts'. 

'Well then maybe I don't want to fight like that' she said, scowling, 'I always wanted to be a healer' 

'You'd make a wonderful healer' Remus said soothingly, 'No one is forcing you to join the Order if you don't want to'. 

'But-' Lily started, 'But James will join'. 

'I have no doubt in my mind that he will, yes'. 

She paused for a moment, not sure how much exactly she wanted to tell her friend. 

'If he joins and I don't, it'll change things' she admitted, not meeting his eye, 'and I don't think I'm ready for things to change yet'. 

'You can never be ready for change Lil' he said, 'it just happens if you're ready for it or not- that's life'. 

'You're really going to break up with Benjy because of this?' she asked quietly. 

Remus shrugged. 

'Not just this- it's been coming for a while'. 

They walked in silence for a moment, the Fat Lady's portrait drawing ever closer. 

'Are you definitely going to join?' she asked eventually. 

'Yes' Remus said, without a second of hesitation, 'What else can I do, Lil? People aren't queueing down the road to hire a werewolf, and this way I'll be fighting, something I couldn't do otherwise'. 

'What about Sirius?' she said, 'And Peter?' 

'I don't know what they'll do' Remus admitted, 'and it won't change my decision regardless. I think you need to make your choice, and it shouldn't matter what everyone else does'. 

'Dorcas will join' Lily said miserably, 'I know she will'. 

'Probably' 

They gave the Fat Lady the password and headed into the common room, which was practically deserted. James, Sirius, Dorcas and Mary sat by the fire, talking in hushed voices. The prefects waved in greeting, and Remus walked over to sit with them. Lily, however, shook her head at them all, and headed up the stairs to the girls dorm. 

She couldn't bring herself to join. She just _couldn't_. 

And if her friends didn't respect her decision, then they were never really her friends at all. 

She repeated that to herself over and over again as she lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling, the ghost of James' lips on hers, and the echo of Angela's scream in her head.


	5. Chapter 5

James wasn’t entirely sure how it happened, but the whole school seemed to be divided down the middle. Dumbledore’s proposal the previous month had changed everything practically overnight. Peter barely spent any time with the Marauders any more, choosing instead to stay with Cynthia. Dorcas had filled the void Peter had left, becoming an honorary fifth marauder as soon as she’d accepted Dumbledore’s offer. Remus had broken up with Benjy, which had put him in a foul mood, and meant he was often to be found reading in a corner of the common room, snapping at people if they were too noisy.

The worst thing of all was that Lily had become a stranger. 

He’d gotten used to her being a constant presence in his life, and now she was distant, polite, and not at all the Lily he’d fallen in love with. 

No, _that_ was the worst thing of all. To have finally realised he was in love with her, only for them to stop speaking. 

He couldn’t understand her reluctance to join the Order- she wasn’t alone by any means, but her refusal still staggered him. These days she was often seen in the company of Peter, Benjy, Cynthia, Mary, or one of the various others who’d turned down Dumbledore’s offer. Everyone had noticed that the older students all seemed to have split into two groups, but of course, the Order was still top secret, so no one knew why. 

‘You’re pining again’ Remus said dryly, one evening in early May. 

They were sitting in the library, and James wasn’t too proud to admit he’d chosen their table because of the direct line of sight it provided of Lily studying with the other prefects. 

‘No more than usual’ James quipped, turning a page idly, and he swore he could almost feel Dorcas roll her eyes. 

‘Potter you need to snap out of it’ she said frankly. 

She only called him Potter when she wanted something. 

‘We need you on top form for the Hufflepuff game or we lose the cup to the bloody badgers _again_ ’.

There it was. 

‘Technically we came second last year’ he reminded her, ‘we were ahead of the “bloody badgers” in the final standing’. 

She glared at him and James stopped talking promptly. 

‘You need to respect her decision’ she said wisely, rolling up one of her completed essays. 

‘It’s the wrong decision though’ James scowled. 

‘Not for her’ Dorcas shrugged, ‘You can’t force her to fight in a war if she doesn’t want to, just like she couldn’t ask you not to’. 

‘Well what about Peter then?’ James asked flippantly, ‘You know he isn’t joining the Order purely because Cynthia isn’t’. 

‘And that is such a healthy relationship?’ Dorcas answered, disbelief in her eyes, ‘Do you really think you and Lily could ever be like Peter and Cynthia? They’re practically attached at the hip- you and Lily would murder each other in under an hour if you were that close’ 

James couldn’t really argue when she put it that way. Although, he thought, being a _bit_ like them wouldn’t be the end of the world. They might be a bit sickening to be around, but getting shagged on the regular is probably a plus. 

'Have you actually spoken to Peter? Or are you just assuming the worst of him?' Remus asked, turning pages without paying attention to them at all. 

'I saw him this morning before breakfast' James shrugged, 'He is pretty adamant he's not joining the Order without her'. 

'She won't join' Dorcas said, 'Not a chance- Marlene never expected her to'. 

'I don't understand why anyone _wouldn't_ want to join though' James stressed, 'Cynthia, Mary, Lily, Benjy- they know what it's like out there, surely they have to see it's the only way Voldemort will ever be stopped'. 

'And maybe they can't imagine why anyone _would_ want to join' Dorcas said reasonably, 'Your point of view isn't the only one that matters, James'. 

'Well I think it doesn't matter' Sirius said, appearing out of thin air and dropping down into the seat next to Remus, 'I've got all the people that matter right here', and with that, he threw an arm around Remus' shoulders, and planted a wet kiss on his cheek. 

Remus went scarlet and pulled away, rubbing his cheek dry with the sleeve of his tattered robes. 

'So it doesn't bother you at all that Peter is refusing to fight the most evil wizard of all time because his girlfriend doesn't want to?' James said dryly, not believing it for one minute. 

'Peter will come around' Sirius said, 'he'll realise that fighting evil is the most important thing and come back to his fellow marauders'. 

'And if he doesn't?' Dorcas asked, grabbing the bag of Bertie Botts Sirius had been attempting to levitate out of her bag. 

Sirius just shrugged in a noncommittal way- 'He will'. 

They went back to working in silence, and James tried not to keep thinking about Lily- he wished he could see it the way that Dorcas did, but he truly, honestly believed that Lily was making a mistake. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw flaming red hair leaving the library, ladened down with books, and he threw his excuses at his friends before practically sprinting after her. 

'Lily!' he panted, catching up with her a few yards outside of the doors

He hears her sigh before he even manages to draw level. 

'Hello James' she said a little glumly, and he tried not to take that to heart. 

'I've missed you' he told her seriously, as they fall into step together, 'I hate fighting'. 

‘We're not fighting' she replied, 'we're just... disagreeing'. 

'It feels like fighting' 

'I don't like it either, but you're not going to change my mind, and I'm not going to change yours'. 

'This isn't just about me and you' he said, reaching out and taking her arm, drawing them both to a halt, 'This is about Peter, and Cynthia, and Benjy and all the others who might be making their decision for the wrong reason'. 

'And what about the people who are joining for the wrong reason?' she snapped, 'Or do you not care about them?' 

'Like who?' he asked, surprised. 

'Like Dorcas, and Sirius!' she hissed, 'We heard their fathers in the Three Broomsticks, or had you forgotten?' 

'I-' he started. 

'I think they are joining the Order because they want to bring their fathers down, not just Voldemort'.

'And what's wrong with that?' James said indignantly, 'They’re angry at their fathers, and they want them stopped- wheres the harm in that?' 

'And what about you then?' She snapped 

'What about me?' he said, nonplussed. 

'Are you telling me there is no part of you that is joining the Order because you want revenge?' 

His stomach seems to turn to stone at her words; 'I don't-' 

'Because it seems to me like you are so eager to join, but you haven't for one second stopped to think about why'. 

'I don't want-'

'Revenge on the people who murdered your parents?' she said flippantly, 'Because I would'. 

'I told you that in confidence' James said, his voice wavering, anger starting to claw its way up his throat. He was dimly aware they had an audience now, and Lily grabbed him by the wrist and tugged him into an empty classroom.

'It doesn't change the fact I'm right’ she said, as she shut the door behind them, ‘you're rushing into this head first because you want revenge, and you don't care how you get it'. 

'I am not a child' he hissed, angry beyond belief now, 'I don't need you to tell me what to do!'. 

'But maybe you do!' she yelled right back at him, 'Because you're clearly not thinking rationally! Would your mum really want you to join a fucking vigilante secret society to avenge her?!' 

'You have no idea what she would have wanted!'

'No, and neither do you!' she cried, 'Your mother was an Auror- surely she would want you to fight alongside the Ministry- not with a gang who operates seemingly outside the law!' 

'What do you mean- outside the law?' James scoffed. 

'Angela!' Lily cried, 'Marlene nearly fucking killed a six-year-old girl and she didn't even get a smack on the wrist!'. 

'It's a war, Evans' James said, his voice thick with irony, 'You can't punish every single person who injures someone in a war'. 

'No, you're right- but you sure as shit can punish people who take unnecessary risks and get civilians hurt!' 

'She was doing what she thought was right-' 

'She was stupid!' Lily practically screamed, and James was horrified to see she looked close to tears now, 'She should never, ever have fired that stunner- she should have found another way. In the muggle world soldiers can be court marshaled for things like this, and yet Marlene just gets to walk away!'. 

'So what?' James said, 'So you're not going to fight the most evil dark wizard of all time just because you don't like the way one situation was handled?' 

'No I-' 

'You owe them a chance Evans' he said earnestly, 'You should give them the opportunity to prove they are more than the single mistake that Marlene made. I saw you during the attack- you were amazing, you can do so much more, you have so much more to offer than being a healer-'. 

Lily's eyes glinted dangerously and James had a split second in which to regret his words. 

'You don't think being a healer is a serious job?' she said, 

'No that's not-' 

'Just because I don’t want to run around flinging curses at people doesn't mean I don't want to help' she hissed at him, 'I want to heal the victims that people like you are going to send to us'.

‘That’s not fair’ James said, scowling, ‘The Order does more good than you think’. 

‘You don’t know that James!’ she howled in frustration, ‘Because you’re not thinking! You haven’t thought about this properly at all! You have no idea what the Order actually does!’. 

‘Dumbledore said-’

‘You’re basing your entire future on the word of a single man! Why does Dumbledore get to decide your future for you?’ 

‘He doesn’t- this is my decision!’. 

‘Is it?’ she snapped, ‘Or has he just made it sound like your decision?’. 

‘Lily-’ he started, but she threw her hands up in the air to stop him. 

‘I’m not fighting with you any more James’ she said, ‘You aren’t going to change your mind- I can see that’. 

‘I don’t want to lose this’ James said quietly, not quite looking her in the eye, ‘I don’t want this to be the end of us’. 

‘There never really was an “us”’ she said sadly, and when James summoned the courage to look up, he saw a single tear escape and roll down her freckled cheek. 

‘Lil-’ 

She shook her head, her lips pursed. And without another word, she turned on her heel and ran straight out of the door. 

***

‘You did the right thing’ Cynthia was saying soothingly as she brushed Lily’s hair an hour later, ‘You stood your ground- I’m proud of you’. 

She’d made it all the way to the girls' dorm before beginning to sob in earnest, startling Cynthia who had been the only occupant of the room at the time. Now they were both in their pyjamas, sprawled out on Cynthia’s bed while Lily ate chocolate and explained what she and James had fought about. 

‘I shouldn’t have brought up his parents’ Lily said sadly. 

The hairbrush paused mid-stroke, before continuing; ‘Probably not’. 

‘He’s going to hate me forever’. 

‘Not possible’.

‘I hate him a little bit’ she admitted. 

‘You’re just angry’ Cynthia said calmly from behind the taller girl, ‘I hate Peter a little bit all the time’ 

They were quiet for a moment. 

‘Do you think Peter would join the Order if it wasn’t for you?’ Lily asked eventually, hoping that the question didn’t sound too insensitive. 

‘I know he would’ Cynthia said bluntly, and Lily turned to look at her in surprise, whipping the comb out of Cynthia’s hands and leaving it tangled in her hair. 

‘So why don’t you tell him to join?’ she asked.

‘I tried’ Cynthia sighed, ‘But he wants to join together, or not at all’. 

‘And you don’t want to?’ 

She shook her head vehemently, ‘Not a chance, Marlene has always been more of a fighter than me. I knew I wanted no part of it from the moment Dumbledore opened his mouth’. 

‘What are you going to do then?’ 

‘I honestly don’t know’ she sounded so lost, so vulnerable that Lily couldn’t help but wrap her arms around her friend. 

‘We’re going to be okay’ Lily whispered, ‘We don’t need them’. 

‘You’ Cynthia corrected, ‘ _You_ don’t need _James_ ’. 

Lily smiled sadly, not entirely sure that was true anymore. 

The door crashed open and Mary appeared on the threshold, murder in her eyes. 

'Thomas Broadbent said you just ran past him and it looked like you were crying' she said, slamming the door behind her and dropping onto the bed next to them, 'What happened?' 

Lily's eyes widened in horror, 'Oh Merlin, I didn't think anyone would have seen me'. 

Mary practically growled, 'That's not an answer, because if Potter made you cry I'm going to hex his dick off'. 

She paused for a moment, 'No, I'll get Dorcas to do it- I'm not good at severing charms'. 

Lily let out a laugh that sounded more like a sob and rested her head on her friend's shoulder, 'He didn't specifically make me cry' she admitted, 'We argued, but I was upset before that anyway'. 

Cynthia untangled the brush from Lily's hair and continued to smooth it out calmly while she told Mary what had happened. 

'That bastard' Mary said forcefully, 'Why can't any of them accept that we don't wait to join?' 

'Dorcas has' Cynthia said fairly, 'She's been really good about it'. 

'Yeah well that's Dorcas' Mary said, rolling her eyes, 'She's the most levelheaded person I've ever met. I doubt she'd stop speaking to us even if we made all her hair fall out and turned her uniform bright orange'. 

Lily snorted, knowing it was true. 

'Have you spoken to Remus?' Mary asked, 'The two of you have always been close'. 

Lily just shrugged. 

'This isn't like you Lil' Cynthia said, looking concerned, 'Something else is wrong- what is it?' 

She was silent for a moment, torn between confessing everything she was thinking and feeling and keeping it all to herself. She wasn't ready to tell everyone about the kiss- it felt like it might make it less special. Like that memory was perfectly preserved in a bubble now, but as soon as she told someone the bubble would pop, and the memory would be tainted by everything that came after it. 

'I'm just worried I'm making the wrong decision' she said eventually, deciding to keep the bubble intact for just a little while longer. 

'You're making the best decision you can right now' Cynthia said, 'And that has to be enough'. 

Lily picked up the brush and turned to start on Mary's hair. 

'We'll be okay Lil' Mary said quietly, 'And so will you- whether you chose to fight or not'.

They sit in silence for the rest of the evening, all lost in their own thoughts. 

***

James wasn’t angry. 

No, he’d passed angry around fourteen laps of the pitch ago. 

Now he was just flying aimlessly, defeated, miserable and outraged all at once. 

She was right. Not about everything- _Merlin_ no. But she was right that he wanted revenge. 

What was that muggle saying? 

_“The man who seeks revenge digs two graves”._

But why shouldn’t he want revenge? Why shouldn’t he want to make the people who’d killed his parents in cold blood to suffer? That was assuming they really had been murdered, which they still didn’t know for sure. 

He drew to a halt in front of the goal posts, just hovering for a minute while he tried to massage some feeling back into his fingers. He’d been gripping the broom so tightly he’d lost feeling in them a good ten minutes ago. 

She was wrong about Sirius and Dorcas though- he knew they would both join regardless of their parents. Finding out their fathers were Death Eaters just solidified their decision. 

‘Thought I might find you out here’ came a voice from somewhere behind him. 

‘Well, here I am’ James said, not turning to face the intruder on his wallowing. 

‘I heard you fought with Lily’. 

James laughed, but it was hollow, forced. ‘I’d bet everyone heard us’. 

Sirius flew over to where James was hovering, giving his friend a concerned look. 

‘Sylvia is telling everyone that Voldemort murdered your parents’ Sirius said- ‘Is it true?’ 

James didn’t reply. 

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ Sirius asked, sounding hurt. 

‘It- it wasn’t definite’

‘How long have you known?’ 

‘McGonagall told me they suspected foul play back before the summer’ James admitted, ‘But they never found proof’. 

‘And so what? You just decided not to tell me?’ 

‘I didn’t want you to-’ 

‘If you finish that sentence with “worry” James Potter I’m going to knock you off your broom’. 

'I'm sorry' James said sheepishly. 

'You should be' Sirius said savagely, 'They were practically my parents too'. 

'You had enough on your plate without worrying that they'd been murdered'. 

'So you know for sure they were?' 

'No' James said shortly, 'But the Order reckons that the Dragon Pox was introduced into the house deliberately by someone'. 

'Clever' Sirius admitted hesitantly, 'No one can prove it, or trace it-' 

'And they were old enough that no one investigated their deaths fully' James finished for him. 

'You told Lily?' 

'It came up, yeah' James replied defensively.

Sirius cocked an eyebrow- 'Revealing your deepest, darkest secrets to her now?' 

'I haven't told her about Prongs' James said, rolling his eyes. 

'I wasn't suggesting-' 

'Yes you were' James said shortly, 'If I was going to tell her I would have checked it with you and Peter first'. 

'Peter hasn't even told Cynthia' Sirius pointed out, 'I just wanted to make sure you are sure about her before you go divulging all our Marauder secrets'. 

'You're the one who showed her the map' James reminded him 

'Yeah well Dorcas and Cynthia already knew about it' Sirius shrugged, 'and I knew Lily wouldn't tell anyone'.

‘What makes you think she’d tell if she knew our other secret?’ 

‘I don’t think she would’ Sirius said, shrugging, ‘But the consequences of anyone finding out we're animagi are a bit higher than if someone found out about the map'.

James hated to admit he had a point. 

'It's a moot point now' James said, sighing heavily, 'She doesn't want anything to do with me'. 

'She'll come around' Sirius replied confidently, starting to fly in circles around James. 

'That's what you said about Peter too, but he isn't showing any signs of changing his mind'. 

'I still think he will'

'What makes you so confident?' 

'I know my friends' Sirius shrugged, stopping his broom and smiling at his best friend, 'I know that Peter wants to fight, just like I know that Cynthia wants him to. And Lily might not join the Order- but I don't for one second think she's going to roll over and go into hiding with Mary'. 

'Why do you really want to Join?' James asked, 'To stop Voldemort, or stop your family?' 

Sirius looked thrown by the question, 'A bit of both' he eventually admitted, 'My family's beliefs are sick, and so are Voldemort's, I want them both stopped'. 

'What about Regulus?' 

'He's old enough to make his own decision' Sirius said sadly, 'I want to believe he won't join the Death Eaters, but with my mother whispering in his ear I know its likely to happen'. 

'And what if he does?' James said, 'What if one day you're fighting a Death Eater and you realise it's your bother?' 

Sirius swallowed heavily, 'Then I aim to kill, same as any Death Eater'

James didn't believe him for a moment. 

'I'm worried for Remus' Sirius said after a while, 'Dumbledore mentioned something about special missions Remus would be useful for- you know it'll be something to do with his furry little problem'. 

James hadn't considered that 'It could be something else' he said hopefully, 'Remus is a talented bloke, maybe they need potions brewers or something'. 

Sirius shot him a look that spoke volumes, 'Somehow I doubt they're in dire need of pepper-up potion'. 

'What are you going to do about money?' Sirius asked.

James shifted uncomfortably on his broom, 'I don't know how much my parents left me' he said, feeling hot around the collar suddenly, 'but it's probably enough to live on without having to take a salary from the Order'. 

Sirius' face fell, 'I'd forgotten you still had an inheritance to come' 

'You've got your flat at least' James pointed out, 'You've only really got to worry about money for food and things'. 

Sirius inclined his head in agreement, 'True, I'll probably just see if old Mr Mulpepper can keep me on after school, I hate the place, but it's decent money'.

‘It might not matter’ James said, trying to look on the bright side, ‘We’ve got more than a year before we leave school, Voldemort might be dead and gone by then’. 

‘Well that's uncharacteristically optimistic’ Sirius snorted, ‘He might also have wiped out all the muggleborns in the country by then’. 

‘You could at least try to think positively’ James said, giving his friend a disgusted look. 

Sirius shrugged, ‘Just being realistic mate, it’s not like the war is going well for us so far’. 

‘We should go inside soon’ James said, checking his watch. 

‘It’s Remus on rounds tonight- he's not going to give us detention for breaking curfew’ Sirius replied with a roll of his eyes, starting to pat down his pockets. From the depths of his robes, he drew a miniature quaffle, before tapping it with his wand so it expanded to its normal size. 

He tossed it to James and sped off towards the goal posts: 'Common then Potter!' he yelled back over his shoulder, 'Let's see if you can get one past me!' 

James weighted the quaffle in his hands, grinning, before taking off in pursuit. 

***

It had been over two weeks since their argument, and Lily was getting closer to cracking every day. 

She wanted him back, and she was horrified at herself for it. She shouldn't have to apologise, not when he was showing no sign of apologising either. In fact, he didn't show any sign of their fight affecting him at all. 

It was infuriating- she was tearing herself to pieces while James bloody Potter was continuing to swan around the school like he owned the place, pranking his friends and playing Quidditch and beating her on every test. 

She wasn't going to apologise to him. 

She _wasn't._

Not yet, anyway. 

'You look distracted' Sarah Falkenberg said one afternoon when Lily was supposed to be helping them with their potions homework, 'Is something wrong?' 

'No more than usual, sorry' Lily said quickly, 'I'm probably not helping at all'. 

'We've pretty much got it covered now' Richard Donne said kindly, 'You really have helped'. 

'Did you want me to help you with your Transfiguration?' Benjy asked her, 'I don't mind' 

'That'd be great actually' Lily said, tugging a hand through her hair, 'I don't really have a chance at the moment without-' she stopped herself from saying his name at the last minute, and Benjy gave her a sympathetic glance. 

The group of them who didn't want to join the Order had found themselves an unwitting team against those who did. Every day Lily found herself in the company of the few of her fellow prefect who had turned down Dumbledore’s offer. 

She liked them all- and they all had their own reasons for not wanting to join. She didn't have to explain herself to them, and it was refreshing. 

She'd known most of them anyway, from prefect meetings, but because they were all from different houses, they’d never spent much time together. 

If there was one good thing to come from all this, it was the fact she’d made new friends. 

Benjy and Remus had broken up weeks ago, but Benjy still seemed to be taking it pretty hard. Only a handful of people had known they were a couple at all, so Benjy’s sadness was quiet, reserved, determined not to draw attention to itself. He would be leaving Hogwarts at the end of the term, and Lily could see that it was weighing on him. He’d planned on joining the Ministry, but he hadn’t so much as submitted an application yet. She didn’t know what was stopping him from joining the Order- he wanted to fight, that much was obvious. His fellow seventh years didn’t seem to want to socialize with him much these days, his co-prefect Rebecca had turned the Order down flat, and continued about her business as if the revelation of a Secret Society was something she dealt with every day. 

Richard was a mystery to Lily for the most part- he was the Ravenclaw prefect, but Lily had never spoken to him much outside of meetings. Lily didn’t know why he didn’t want to join the Order, and she decided she didn’t want to press. He was half-blood, she knew that much, he was always near the top of the class but never drew attention to himself.

Sarah had been a surprise- not that she didn’t want to join the Order, but rather that she had been invited at all. She was kind, a friend to everyone and involved in every extracurricular Hogwarts offered, but no one who looked at her would take her for a fighter. She liked to charm her hair and robes different colours, her nails were spelled to change colour with her mood (and they were most often yellow), she stuck badges on her pencil case and used purple ink on her assignments. 

There were a few others who came and went from their little group of outcasts. Issac Humphries had turned down Dumbledore’s offer, but the tensions between Slytherin and the other houses meant he hadn’t come to sit with them since. His fellow prefect Cassandra McMillan had been at the recruitment meeting, but no one seemed to know what she’d decided, and she feigned deafness whenever someone mentioned it to her. 

Sarah’s co-prefect Andrew had accepted the offer almost immediately and was currently sitting with Remus on the other side of the library. They were joined by Dorcas and Matilda Burke, the Ravenclaw prefect who’d tentatively accepted Dumbledore’s offer, despite the fact half her family were suspected Death Eaters. 

‘Are you going to Hogsmeade this weekend?’ Sarah asked Lily a while later, ‘We’re planning to go around eleven if you’d like to join us?’.

Lily smiled warmly at her, ‘That’d be nice, I need to go to Scrivenshafts, but I didn’t really fancy going alone’. 

‘Well, Fiona and David will probably join us if that’s okay?’ Sarah continued, ‘I know you don’t know them very well, but they’re really nice’. 

‘I used to sit next to Fiona in Charms’ Lily said, ‘It’ll be nice to spend some time with her again’. 

They worked in silence for a few more minutes, before a shadow fell over Lily’s essay and she looked up to see who was blocking her light.

‘Hello, Sirius?’ she said, cocking her head to one side, ‘Can I help you?’ 

‘Can we talk?’ He asked, shifting from one foot to the other nervously. 

She glanced around at her friends, ‘Can you keep an eye on my things?’ she asked Sarah, whose nails had turned grey, standing to follow Sirius, ‘I’ll be back in a minute’. 

She followed him out of the library, where to her surprise, he pulled out the map and studied it for a moment, before leading her into an empty classroom. 

He shut the door behind them and tapped it twice with his wand, once to lock it, and once to ward off any eavesdroppers. 

‘I’m getting nervous, Black’ she quipped, hopping up on a desk. 

‘I want to talk about the Order’ he said seriously, looking her in the eye. She opened her mouth to reply and he cut her off, ‘No, I’m not here to argue with you, I think you do that enough with James’. 

She snorted her agreement, letting her legs swing free as she stayed perched on the edge of the desk. 

‘Why don’t you want to join?’ Sirius asked, sitting down next to her. He asked so carefully, with such curiosity that she looked up at him, surprised. 

‘You really want to know?’ she asked suspiciously, ‘You don’t want to just shout at me?’ 

‘I don’t think James wants to shout at you either’ Sirius said, rolling his eyes, ‘I think he just gets worked up and the two of you have always rubbed each other the wrong way’. 

‘Not always’ she replied without thinking, and Sirius’ eyebrows practically disappeared into his hairline. 

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ 

‘I just meant we were getting on really well’ she said quickly, ‘before the attack’. 

Sirius made a noise that suggested he didn’t really believe her, and she was mortified to realise she was blushing. 

‘I don’t want to join the Order because I don’t want to operate outside the law’ She said in a rush, hoping to change the subject. 

‘Outside the law?’ Sirius asked, ‘You’d prefer to be an Auror?’ 

‘Honestly?’ Lily said, ‘Yes’. 

‘But you’re not going to be’ Sirius prompted 

She fidgeted for a second, ‘I’m thinking about it now’ she confessed, ‘I hadn’t before, I wanted to be a healer, but James is right, I do want to fight’. 

She paused for a moment, ‘Don’t you dare tell him that’ she said threateningly. 

Sirius held his hands up in surrender, ‘I wouldn’t dream of it’. 

‘Why are you being nice?’ Lily asked, narrowing her eyes, ‘You joined the Order so quick Dumbledore had barely finished his sentence’. 

‘James is beating himself up about your fight’ Sirius said casually, ‘So I wanted to hear for myself why you won’t join’ 

‘Why?’ Lily asked, ‘What’s he been saying?’ 

‘Not a lot actually’ Sirius shrugged, ‘It’s more than he’s moping, and I wanted to see if you were too’. 

She glared at him, ‘I’m not moping’ 

‘I can see that’ 

‘I know I made the right decision’ 

‘I never said you didn’t’ 

‘I’m not going to change my mind’

‘That’s fine’

She sighed, ‘Why are you still here then?’ 

‘Because you haven’t given me a proper answer’. 

‘Yes I did’ 

‘No, you said you don’t want to operate outside the law, which is bullshit’. 

‘It’s not-’ 

‘It is’ he said, interrupting her, ‘Because it’s against the law every time you sneak out of the castle. Every time you drank Firewhiskey before you were seventeen, or used magic. You know that technically using magic during the attack over Easter was against the law too? The law states you should not engage and contact the Ministry as soon as possible’. 

‘I didn’t know that’ she admitted, looking down at her hands.

‘The Order operates outside the law because it’s at war, Lily’ Sirius said gently, ‘Normal rules don’t apply, they _can’t_ apply because otherwise more people get hurt’. 

‘Marlene should never have shot that curse though’ Lily said sadly, ‘And I’m never going to be able to forget that’ 

‘No, she shouldn’t have’ Sirius said, ‘But don’t you see that’s why you should join the Order? You can take that experience with you and help them improve from the inside’. 

She didn’t respond for a moment, pondering this. 

‘You really think I should join?’ she asked. 

‘I’m not telling you what I think you should do’ Sirius said honestly, ‘I’m just trying to make sure you aren’t making this decision without properly considering it’. 

‘Have you made sure James isn’t rushing into this too?’ Lily asked, cocking an eyebrow at him, ‘Because the two of you didn’t seem to be “considering” for very long before you made up your minds’. 

‘It’s different’ Sirius said, ‘We were planning on becoming Aurors anyway, we were always going to fight. All that’s changing is the way we do it’. 

‘I’ll think about it’ Lily said, at last, picking at her jagged fingernails, ‘But I’m not making any promises’. 

Sirius beamed at her, ‘That’s all I wanted’ 

‘And you’re not to tell James we spoke’ 

‘I won’t’ 

‘Are you going to try talking to Peter?’ she asked

Sirius’ face dropped, ‘I already tried’. 

‘And he said no?’ Lily guessed. 

‘He said he needed to talk to Cynthia about it’, Sirius wrinkled his nose in distaste. 

‘She wants him to join’ Lily told him. 

He span to face her so quickly it was comical, ‘She does?!’ 

Lily nodded slowly, 'He didn't tell you that?'

'No' Sirius said, grinding his teeth in a way that made Lily wince, 'He said she wouldn't join and wouldn't let him either'. 

Lily rolled her eyes, 'That seems about right- using her as an excuse'. 

'I don't understand why' Sirius said, 'He wanted to be an Auror too, but he was worried he wouldn't be able to get in with his grades. I would have thought joining the Order would be like a dream come true'. 

Lily just shrugged, 'I guess you don't know what's going on in everyone's head'. 

'I know what's going on in James' head these days' Sirius said, elbowing her in the side, 'It's nothing but Lily-this and Lily-that-' 

'Oh shut up' she laughed, elbowing him back. 

'You know it's true' 

'I know nothing of the sort' she sniffed in a dignified manner. 

‘And what exactly were the two of you doing, alone, in Diagon Alley over Easter, anyway?' Sirius said teasingly, grinning from ear to ear as she immediately flushed bright red. 

'None of your business' 

'Well I'm making it my business' he said seriously, 'My best mate is miserable and he's too pig-headed to tell me why'. 

'I'm not discussing this with you' she said through gritted teeth. 

'Just tell me, Lil- is he more than just a friend to you?' she could count on one hand the number of times she's seen him look so determined, and she found she couldn't quite hold his eye as she replied. 

'Yes,' she said quietly, 'A lot more'. 

Sirius nodded in a satisfied sort of way, 'I hoped you'd say that' 

'Why?' 

'Because it proves that this fight isn't going to last forever' 

'I'm still angry at him' Lily pointed out, 'How I feel about him doesn't change that'. 

'And he's still angry at you' Sirius said sagely, 'You shouldn't have thrown his dead parents in his face, for one thing'. 

She felt shame roll through her body, settling in her stomach and leaving her feeling sick. 

'I'm going to apologise for that' she said, 'It was wrong of me'. 

'Well do it quickly' Sirius sighed, 'I don't know how much more of his moping I can take'. 

***

Despite what Sirius insisted, James wasn't moping. 

He _wasn't._

Much. 

Yeah his Quidditch game had been a bit off (Abbott had screamed himself hoarse during the last practice), but his grades were never better, now he was spending all his time in the library stalking Lily. No, not _stalking_ , checking up on. _Checking up on_ Lily. 

He had been forced to set off a dung-bomb under Moony's chair one evening in the common room, but that was because he'd stolen the last of James' Honeydukes chocolate, and that was just asking for trouble. 

He couldn't help but watch how easily Lily had managed to integrate herself with an entirely new group of friends in the weeks following Dumbledore's offer. She'd been so quiet and reserved for years, but now managed to make friends everywhere she went. He was pretty sure it was Sirius rubbing off on her- the bloke would try and befriend a dragon before it used him as a toothpick. 

There was a Hogsmeade weekend rapidly approaching, and James found himself imagining what it would have been like if there hadn't been an attack over Easter. Or what might have happened if they'd decided to go to Diagon Alley the next day instead. 

Maybe Lily would be going to Hogsmeade with him, maybe she'd be his girlfriend. Maybe everyone would know, and they could have gone to Madam Puddifoot’s with all the other couples. 

Lily would _hate_ that, he realised. She would want to go to the Three Broomsticks and drink whiskey and debate some theory they'd learnt in Charms. 

He got closer to apologising to her every day, because every day he went without her fiery temper, wicked sense of humour and sly grin, was a day wasted. 

But Sirius told him to wait, and for some reason, he'd listened. 

The morning of the Hogsmeade trip dawned beautiful and bright- everyone gleefully pulled their sandals and shorts from the back of their wardrobes and dug their sunglasses out of their trunks. 

Sirius even wore a shirt that wasn't black. 

They meandered down to the village after breakfast- in no particular hurry and with no destination in mind. Remus was quieter than usual, while the sunshine seemed to have brought out a practically euphoric reaction in Sirius. 

'We should go to the beach' he exclaimed, 'Or go swimming in the lake, or go walking in the hills' 

'There's no beach around here for miles, and none of us can legally apparate yet, you hate walking, and it might be sunny but it's definitely not warm enough for swimming' Remus replied tonelessly.

‘There’s no need to be such as buzz kill Moony’ Sirius said, throwing an arm around his friend’s neck, ‘I’m merely suggesting we make the most of the glorious sunshine’. 

Remus pushed Sirius away, ‘I forgot how annoying you get when the sun comes out’. 

‘Just because you’d be happy sitting in the library for 24 hours a day doesn’t mean we all would’ Sirius said, ‘I need to be outside! I need to feel the sun on my face and the wind in my hair!’ he shook his head dramatically to demonstrate, despite the fact there was absolutely no wind to speak of.

James just rolled his eyes at his friend and continued walking. They reached Hogsmeade and were unsurprised to see it was full of students milling around aimlessly. It was too nice to be _inside_ , but there was nothing to do _outside_ , so many groups seemed to be content to just amble up and down the high street, window shopping. 

They made a beeline to Honeydukes, where an elderly witch was selling enchanted ice cream cones from a trolley by the door. 

Each with a cone in hand, the boys meandered down the street, greeting classmates as they passed and browsing through any shop they fancied. James had just decided he really did need a new quill when a very familiar voice whispered in his ear ‘Come with me’, and he found himself being towed backward into the alley behind Scrivenshafts. 

He span around to face his attacker and saw a familiar mass of red hair and a smattering of freckles, before pulling away to put some more distance between them. 

‘Hi,’ Lily said, looking abashed, ‘Sorry to ambush you’. 

James straightened out his t-shirt and cleared his throat, ‘It’s fine’, he pushed his glasses up his nose, ‘What’s wrong?’ 

‘I wanted to talk to you in private’ she said, twisting her hands nervously, ‘But I thought you might not want to talk to me’. 

He frowned at her, noticing how pale she looked, her freckles standing out more prominently than he’d ever seen them. ‘Why wouldn’t I want to talk to you?’ he said, ‘I told you I didn’t want to lose-’ he broke off, gesturing between the two of them helplessly. 

‘Us?’ she finished for him, and he nodded. 

‘I’m still your friend, Lily’ he said, stepping closer to her. She was wearing her hair down for the first time in ages, the vibrant tresses gently moving in the spring breeze. 

She smiled and looked away, her hands still fidgeting nervously. 

‘What did you want to talk about?’ he asked, stepping slightly closer to her again. He was angry at her, he reminded himself as he got close enough to smell her perfume. He couldn't quite remember why, at this exact moment. But it would come to him- he was very angry after all-

They'd drifted so close that Lily was craning her neck now to look up at him, and he could practically feel the warmth radiating from her. 

'I wanted to tell you-' she started, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth, 'I wanted to say I'm sorry'. 

James blinked in surprise. He hadn't expected her to apologise first. He'd have put money on it, in fact. 

'I shouldn't have yelled at you' she ploughed on, 'I was just so angry at Marlene, and Dumbledore, and- and you'. 

'Me?' he asked

She nodded, 'You have to admit you're rushing into the Order' 

'Well-' 

'-and I understand why' she said, 'I'm just worried about you'. 

He couldn't stop the grin that spread across his face at her words, and she smacked his arm, 'Shut up' 

'You're worried about me?' he teased, 'You have a funny way of showing it'. 

Her face fell, 'I know'. 

'Lil I didn't mean that' 

She shrugged, 'It's true though'. 

'I'm sorry too' 

'What are you sorry for?' 

'Saying you can do better than being a healer- it's not my place to tell you what you should do'. 

She inclined her head in agreement, before saying 'I do want to fight though' 

'You do?' he asked, surprised, 'You want to be an Auror?' 

'No, I-' she paused, 'I think I want to join the Order'. 

There was a long silence as James tried to wrap his head around her sudden change of heart. 

'You want to join-? Why?' he asked, baffled, 'What changed your mind?' 

'Sirius' Lily admitted, 'He made some pretty good points the other day'. 

'He mentioned he'd spoken to you' James said, still feeling a little dazed, 'He wouldn't say what about though'. 

'I asked him not to' she said, 'But he made me realise that I could join the Order and change the way they do things'. 

'That's a great idea Lil' he beamed at her, 'You could make such a difference to the people fighting'. 

'I'm not promising anything here' she said warningly, 'I just wanted to apologise, and tell you I'm considering it'. 

'You should come to the meeting tonight' He said, taking one of her hands, his heart thumping nervously. 

'Meeting?' 

'There's a meeting tonight for everyone who is interested in joining, now that we've all had a chance to consider it'. 

'Will Marlene be there?' Lily asked, her distaste showing plainly on her face.

'I don't know' James said honestly, 'But Dumbledore and McGonagall will be- you could talk to them about the things you want to change'. 

'And you really think they'll listen?' Lily asked, raising her eyebrows in disbelief. 

'It's worth a try' James insisted, 'Come to the meeting- just the meeting. You don't have to join if you don't want to, but give them a chance'. He squeezed the hand he was still holding and she smiled up at him. 

'Okay' she said eventually, 'I'll come'.

‘It’s at 10 tonight’ he told her, ‘We’ll meet in the common room and walk down to the staff room together’. 

‘The boys as well? And Dorcas?’ she asked, and he nodded. 

‘They’ll all come, I’m not sure about Peter, I know he was invited’. 

She nodded slowly to herself, looking distracted. Impulsively, James reached his free hand up and tucked an errant lock of hair behind her ear. 

She immediately flushed, and bit her bottom lip- a reaction that was so purely _her_ that he felt his stomach start to do somersaults. 

'I missed you, the last few weeks' she admitted, looking away shyly. 

'I missed you too' he said, 'I've been stuck hanging out with Sirius and Dorcas, and they have all these in-jokes I don't get'.

'Oh poor James' she teased, 'Stuck spending time with his friends instead of me'. 

'It's been a nightmare' he told her seriously, 'They set fire to the curtains around my bed. I don't even know _how_ , neither of them had their wands on them'. 

Lily snorted, 'That doesn't surprise me, Dorcas has a bit of a pyro streak'.

'You couldn't have warned me about that before we let her in the group?' he said, exasperated, 'Sirius' trail of destruction alone was difficult to handle, now there are two of them!'. 

Lily laughed quietly, 'I don't think the Marauders have anything to worry about from Dorcas' she said, 'You're still the kings of pranking'. 

He grinned down at her, 'And don't you forget it' 

They were still holding hands, he realised. And she was standing so close he could smell her perfume, a lavender scent which reminded him the gardens surrounding his parents' house. 

Then, she did something that took him entirely by surprise- she kissed him. It was a gentle kiss, barely even a kiss at all, just a gentle brush of her lips against his. 

When she drew back she'd gone even more red in the face, her freckles practically disappearing into a sea of crimson. 

'I missed that too' He said, grinning at her like a moron. 

'I've got to go', she said with a sad smile, 'I'll see you later for the meeting'. 

She squeezed his hand before letting go and turning to leave, 

'And I missed it too!' she called over her shoulder, before disappearing around the corner, leaving James dumbfounded, and more hopeful than he'd felt in weeks. 

He made his way back out onto the high street, unsurprised to discover that Sirius and Remus hadn't noticed his absence at all, and were bickering over the best kind of Honeydukes chocolate. 

They browsed for another hour or two, before making their way back up to the castle, all having jitters ahead of the meeting. 

'What do you think they're going to say?' Sirius asked as they crossed the grounds, 'Do you think we'll get to find out where the headquarters are now?'

'Probably not' Remus said reasonably, 'They probably won't tell us until we leave school and we can join properly'. 

'I wonder why he wants to recruit us early if we can't exactly do anything?' Sirius continued. 

'Extra wands available if there's another attack I suppose' James said, his stomach lurching nervously at the thought. 

'So we're just joining a secret society to help out with fights that might not even happen?' Sirius said, rolling his eyes, 'Nah, I reckon there's more to it than that'. 

'Like what exactly?' Remus asked dryly, 'Dumbledore isn't going to let you drop out of Hogwarts early to go chasing down Death Eaters'. 

'I don't know' Sirius said defensively, 'I just think that he's got to have some kind of plan in action to want to recruit us early'. 

'Lily said she'll come to the meeting' James said happily, 'She said you got her considering it mate'. 

'I told you she'd come around' Sirius said with false modesty, 'We've just gotta get Pete on board now'. 

'Well that might be a bit more difficult' Remus pointed out, 'Lily wanted to swap sides because James is joining, Peter _doesn't_ want to swap sides because Cynthia _isn't_ '. 

Sirius clearly hadn't thought about that and scowled. 

They were walking alongside the lake now, and the spring flowers were all in bloom, perfuming the air. James' nose began to itch, and he made a mental note to visit Pomfrey soon to get some hay-fever potion. 

'Are you going to try and convince anyone else to come?' Remus asked Sirius dryly, 'Considering you're on such a winning streak'. 

'I might see if I can talk to Cynthia' Sirius said, either not detecting or choosing to ignore Remus' sarcastic tone, 'Lily says she wants him to join, I want to find out if that's true'. 

They spent the rest of the evening revising by the fire in the common room, checking the clock every few minutes to see if it was time to leave yet. 

James kept throwing glances back at the girls' dormitory stairs, hoping Lily would appear at any moment. 

The clock ticked closer and closer to 10pm, and eventually Dorcas came down the staircase. 

She looked miserable, like she'd been crying. She walked straight up to James, handed him a small, crumpled piece of parchment, and strode right out of the common room without so much as a backward glance. 

Exchanging a confused look with his fellow Marauders, James flattened out the parchment and began to read, his stomach sinking with every word. 

_Dear Lily,_

_I wanted to let you know that Angela passed away this morning._

_The healers did all they could, but she was just so young to be hit with such a powerful stunner._

_I want to thank you again, for helping us that day. If it wasn’t for you maybe I would have lost all of my children._

_We’re going to take the boys and go to France, to stay with my cousin, so your owl won’t find us if you reply to this letter._

_Thank you again, Jennifer_

There were obvious tear stains on the parchment, and James tried not to think too hard about whose they were. 

At the bottom of the parchment, Lily’s untidy scrawl gleamed bright red. 

_Tell Dumbledore I said no._

***

She hadn’t stopped crying all afternoon. 

Mary, Cynthia, and Dorcas had all come and gone, all experiencing their own version of grief, anger and disbelief. 

Cynthia had taken it the worst. It wasn’t every day you found out your sister had killed a six-year-old. She’d left several hours ago to find Peter, leaving Lily alone in their dorm. 

Dorcas had reacted with the sort of calm, quiet fury that was terrifying to behold. She’d read, and reread the letter, before sitting down at the communal desk in their room and writing a letter, the contents of which Lily wasn’t entirely sure of. 

‘Are you still going to the meeting?’ Lily had asked her eventually, sniffing. 

Dorcas nodded, ‘You’re not’. It wasn’t a question, proving yet again how uncannily perceptive she could be. 

Lily shook her head sadly, ‘I don’t think I can face them’.

‘You don’t have to’ Dorcas said firmly, picking Jennifer’s letter up off the desk, ‘I can tell him’. 

Lily decided not to comment on Dorcas’ use of ‘him’. She wasn’t wrong. It was James that Lily couldn’t bear to face. 

‘What will you say to him?’ 

Dorcas shrugged, ‘I’ll think of something’. 

They sat in silence for a few more minutes before Lily made up her mind, ‘Give him the letter’. 

Dorcas looked up from her book in surprise, ‘What?’ 

'Give him the letter' Lily repeated, 'In fact, give it to me first'. 

Instead of waiting for Dorcas to respond, Lily whipped out her wand an summoned the letter to her side, digging a quill and ink out of her bag as it zoomed across the dorm towards her. 

Uncorking her ink, she dipped the quill, and carefully traced her message across the bottom of the letter. 

When she'd finished she realised Dorcas had vacated the desk and was now standing at the foot of Lily's' bed, trying to read her writing upside down. 

'Well' she said once she'd read the single line of text, 'It gets your message across'. 

Lily made a noise of agreement as she put away her quill and ink, wondering the whole time how James would react. 

'I'd better get going' Dorcas said heavily, rubbing her bloodshot eyes, 'The meeting starts in ten minutes'.

'Why are you still going?' Lily asked tentatively, 'You could be an Auror instead- you've got the grades, and it's what you wanted to do originally?' 

'I still am going to be an Auror' Dorcas said confidently, 'And I think you're right, the Order is flawed. But the wizarding world isn't equipped for a war. There's no army ready to mobilize, no way of calling people to arms. I think the Order is how the war is going to be won, and you might not like it, but it's true'. 

Lily pursed her lips, hating that Dorcas could always be so logical, so calm, in the face of all adversity. It was the thing she loved most about her friend, but right now she wanted someone to rage with her, someone to bemoan the horrors of war and the fact that a six-year-old girl had died, and the world seemed unchanged by such a tragedy. 

Dorcas looked down at the letter again, and Lily was mollified to see she looked like she was holding back tears again. 

'I'll see you later' she said in a quiet voice, as she turned and left the dorm, leaving Lily alone with her thoughts. 

*** 

Not a single word that Dumbledore was saying had managed to permeate James' brain. Instead, he was watching a six-year-old with pigtails get blasted out of the way over, and over again in his mind's eye. 

He wondered what he could have done differently. If he should have fired at the Death Eater first- his aim was better than Marlene’s, he was confident he wouldn't have hit the girl. 

But Lily had told him to hold fire and so he had. He wondered if that was haunting her, too. 

Dorcas hadn't spoken a word to any of them since arriving at the meeting. James hadn't shared the content of the letter with the other Marauders, he wanted Dumbledore to see it first. 

He was surrounded by his classmates, who were hanging on Dumbledore's every word, excitement shining from their every pore. James was still joining, he hadn't wavered in that decision one bit. But still, the image of Angela crumpled and broken on the ground of the alley kept coming to him unbidden every time he closed his eyes. 

'I'll be in touch with each of you regarding your own position in the Order once you are closer to leaving school' Dumbledore was saying, 'You'll each have your own part to play, and your own strengths that you can bring to the group'. 

James didn’t like how his eyes lingered on Remus. 

‘But for the time being I have information to share with you and I need your utmost attention’ Dumbledore continued, his eyes lingering on James this time, and he shifted in his seat, worried that the Professor could read his mind. 

‘It has come to the Order’s attention that Voldemort has been attempting to recruit students from within the castle. We don’t know how many students have been targeted, we don’t know how many have accepted, but we do know that this poses a very real, and alarming threat to the school’. 

A quick scan of the students' faces revealed that exactly no one was surprised by this information. Many of them were remembering the attacks on Mary, David, Mandy, and Fiona; or all the other countless assaults, slights and digs against muggleborns in the last two years. James could feel the rage bubbling just under the surface when he remembered the attack on Diagon Alley. One of their classmates was under a black robe that day, and according to Dumbledore, they had no idea who. 

‘We urge all of you to remain vigilant’ Dumbledore said seriously, ‘Keep your friends safe, look after students younger than you, and report any and all suspicious behaviour to either myself or Professor McGonagall’. 

‘You have to have some idea of whose joined Voldemort’ Sirius interrupted, ‘I’m sure we could all give you at least five names now’ he said, glancing around the room for confirmation, and several people nodded. 

‘We have our suspicions’ Dumbledore nodded, ‘But this is a delicate situation, Voldemort originally was only interested in pure-bloods, particularly those in Slytherin’ he inclined his head towards the only Slytherin in the room, Cassandra McMillan, who raised an eyebrow. 

‘So who is he recruiting?’ she asked, ‘Because I’m both of those things, and I can tell you now I have not been invited to any Death Eater tea parties’. 

James snorted, and several people turned to look at him. ‘Sorry’ he said, looking at Cassandra, ‘You should have met my Mum, I think you’d have got on’. 

Dumbledore elected to ignore this, 'As far as we're aware, he's now recruiting anyone he feels he might have a use for. Obviously, people with connections to dark magic are preferable to him, but it's our belief he's recruiting those he feels have talents that could be useful to him'. 

'Like you are' Dorcas said bluntly, and Dumbledore inclined his head towards her. 

'Exactly like we are, yes Miss Meadowes'. 

'So we're supposed to keep an eye on the people we suspect are being groomed to be Death Eaters?' James asked. 

'Yes' McGonagall said shortly, speaking for the first time all meeting, 'Our worry is that some students will feel pressured into joining You-Know-Who because of their families or blood status. We want to find those students as soon as possible, and help them make the right choice'. 

Next to him, Sirius stiffened, and James knew that he was thinking about Regulus. 

'And what about those who just want to join to cause pain?' Dorcas asked, 'The students who've already been implicated in attacks, the ones who call my friends "mudbloods" in the corridors?' 

Her anger was palatable, her eyes glinting dangerously and James took pity on any Death Eater who got in her way in the future. She was a force to be reckoned with, and almost subconsciously his hand went to the little bump in his nose where she'd broken it several years previously. 

'They're the students we want tabs kept on' McGonagall said bluntly, 'We want you to tell us what they're doing, who they're doing it with, and we want them caught red-handed'

'But we want you to stay safe, first and foremost' Dumbledore said with a hasty glance at his fellow professor, 'We can't monitor every student in the castle without arousing suspicion, but we can ask you all to keep your ear to the ground and tell the Order anything you hear'. 

Several of the gathered students were nodding, but James couldn't help but feel queasy. It was too hot in the staff room, it felt stifling, his head hurt and the light kept glinting off of someones watch, making him squint and giving him a headache. 

Before he'd realised it, Dumbledore had dismissed the students and everyone was making their way out of the staff room in twos and threes. James told Sirius and Remus to go ahead, and he was unsurprised to see that Dorcas had remained seated, clearly waiting to see how Dumbledore reacted to Lily's note. 

'Now now James you really ought to be getting off to bed' Dumbledore said kindly, as he finished extinguishing the candles.

'I have something for you Sir' James began nervously, pulling the letter from a pocket in his robes. 

Dorcas moved over to sit next to James, her eyes locked on Dumbledore as he read the note. 

The Professor sat down heavily in an armchair by the fire as he read the words on the page, his whole body giving off a helpless air. 

'I didn't know' he admitted quietly, 'Alice took the girl to hospital and said she was going to be fine'. 

'She was six years old, and took a stunner to the chest, cast by one of the most powerful witches in the country. Of course she wasn't going to be _fine_ ' Dorcas said scathingly. 

'Marlene feels terrible, you should know' Dumbledore said, 'She made a split second decision that will haunt her forever'. 

'And what about the parents of that little girl?' Dorcas snapped, 'I bet you it'll haunt them a lot more than it haunts her'. 

'You're right' Dumbledore said simply, 'And there is no making right what's been done'. 

'So you just expect us to go about our business as usual and pretend a little girl didn't just die at the hands of a friend?' 

'I expect you to join the Order and help us do _better_ ' Dumbledore emphasised, 'All of you- you're the best and brightest Hogwarts has to offer, you'll be invaluable in the fight against Voldemort'. 

'And what about Lily?' James said, his voice cracking slightly. 

'Miss Evans is completely fair in her assessment of the Order' Dumbledore replied, 'We are flawed, and I know we can improve'. 

'She won't join' Dorcas said, 'She won't even consider it now'. 

'And I don't blame her for that at all' he said gently, 'It was a hard thing to witness, and even harder to come to terms with. However, if she ever should decide to join the Order in the future, I hope that you will have helped create an Order she can be proud of joining'. 

They didn't reply for a moment, James staring into the dying embers of the fire. 

'I think it's best you go off to bed' Dumbledore said, before holding up the letter, 'Do you mind if I keep this? I think there are some people who need to see it'. 

Glad to be rid of the cursed page James just nodded silently, getting to his feet with Dorcas at his side. 

They said their goodbyes and began to climb the stairs to Gryffindor tower. James' mind was racing with all the information they'd learned in the space of only a few hours. 

No matter where his train of thought started, he found they always returned irrevocably to Lily. 

He wanted to tell her everything they'd found out today. He wanted her opinion on potential Death Eaters, he wanted to hear her plan for spying on them, he wanted to know how she felt about Dumbledore's reaction to Angela’s death. 

But he couldn't ask her any of those things. He wasn't allowed to share any of the information from the meeting with her since she wasn't joining the Order, and according to Dorcas, she wouldn't come out of her room anyway.

For the first time in a long time, James felt truly, properly helpless. He couldn't see how they were supposed to get past this, how they were supposed to go on with their lives after something so horrible. 

For a brief moment, James actually considered turning around, walking back to the staff room and telling Dumbledore that he wouldn't be joining after all. He imagined telling Lily his decision and she would be so pleased, that she'd fall into his arms and they'd live happily ever after.

But that was unrealistic for several reasons, the first being that Lily would never be caught dead falling into his arms, regardless of any grand romantic gesture he made. And secondly, he couldn't imagine a future where he wasn't fighting Voldemort. 

He sighed to himself later as he climbed into his four-poster bed, remembering his mum's favourite saying- 'Everything works out in the end'. 

He was almost glad she wasn’t alive to see how wrong she was.

*** 

She finally felt cried out just in time for lessons to start the next day. She walked into the classroom with her head bowed, her hair falling out of the braid she'd put it in last night, and her eyes still bloodshot. 

Cynthia looked as dishevelled as Lily had ever seen her. She wasn’t wearing a speck of makeup, her hair wasn’t styled and she was wearing the same blouse as the day before. 

Mary told Lily in hushed tones that Cynthia had flooed Marlene the night before, and they’d argued well into the night about the Order. She’d changed her mind, after hearing about Angela. She didn’t want Peter to join at all. 

The rift between the two factions had grown exponentially overnight. James had never seemed so far away- even in the fifth year after the day by the lake, she’d been able to talk to him. Now they could barely maintain eye contact. 

She couldn’t help but notice him though- it was like he was putting out a radio signal that her brain was determined to pick up, every time he walked into a room, or his voice carried over to her, she felt her heart slam against her rib cage and her stomach do somersaults. 

‘You don’t look well’ Sarah said that afternoon, settling herself next to Lily in Charms. 

‘I’m fine’ 

Sarah raised her eyebrows in a way that said ‘you’re utterly full of shit’. 

Lily raised her hands in surrender, ‘I got some bad Order related news last night, it’s made things awkward in the common room’.

‘Oh’ Sarah said softly, ‘I saw Cynthia crying at breakfast- I’m guessing it's the same reason?’ 

Lily nodded shortly, looking down at her hands. 

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ 

‘Not particularly’

‘Well if you do-’ 

‘Thanks, Sarah’. 

The shorter girl smiled, taking her bright blue quill from her bag. 

‘Are you on rounds tonight?’ Lily asked, and Sarah scowled. 

‘Yeah, I wasn’t supposed to be, but Karen rearranged the schedule last minute to make time to spend with her boyfriend’. 

‘Urgh’ Lily said sympathetically, ‘Hopefully whoever we get as heads next year won’t be so determined to accommodate their own love lives over the prefect schedule’. 

‘Who do you think it’s going to be?’ 

‘I honestly thought it’ll be either you or Dorcas’ she said, ‘But I know Dorcas wants the Quidditch captaincy more’. 

‘You think it might be me?’ Sarah said incredulously, ‘Are you mad?’ 

‘Well, why not you?’ Lily huffed, ‘Your grades are excellent, you’ve been a prefect for two years and you’re in every club the school has’. 

‘Exactly!’ Sarah said, gesturing wildly with her quill, ‘I’d be fucking terrible at being head girl! I don’t have the time!’ 

‘You wouldn’t drop a few clubs to be the head girl?’ Lily asked eyebrow raised. 

‘Well- I - Would-’ Sarah stammered, her charmed nails turning bright pink in embarrassment ‘Oh I don’t know!’ 

Lily snorted with laughter at her friend’s wild-eyed expression. 

‘Oh shut up’ Sarah said, elbowing her in the ribs, ‘It’s not going to happen anyway. I think it’ll be you’. 

‘I doubt that’ Lily said, rolling her eyes, ‘My grades aren’t even in the top 5% of our year, and I don’t do anything else outside of prefect duties’. 

‘What about head boy then?’ Sarah asked interestedly. 

‘Remus’ Lily said firmly, ‘He’s been a great prefect, and you just know that joining the Order will have helped his case in McGonagall’s eyes’. 

‘I think Andrew might be in good standing there too’ Sarah pointed out, ‘He’s joined, and he’s been pretty good at his prefect duties too’. 

‘Except the time he was caught snogging Guinevere in a broom closet when he was supposed to be on rounds?’ Lily snorted 

‘Ah, shit, yeah’ Sarah said, scratching her head with the end of her quill, ‘I’d forgotten about that’. 

They chatted away the whole lesson, Flitwick coming over to tell them off several times, but walking away again when they proved they’d already mastered the refilling charm they were supposed to be practicing. Sarah demonstrated the charm she used to change her hair colour on Lily, causing them both to snort with laughter at the sight of Lily with purple hair. She told Lily all about her brother’s upcoming wedding and how her future sister-in-law was obsessing over bridesmaids shoes and table settings. 

‘She wrote to me last week to ask if I thought the beads in the centrepieces should be round or square’ Sarah exclaimed, ‘Does it really make any bloody difference?!’ 

It wasn’t until the bell rang, signaling the end of class, that Lily realised she hadn’t thought about Angela once all lesson. 

*** 

It took two days, a bottle of firewhiskey, and some considerable moping before James made peace with his decision to join the Order. 

He was sure it was the right thing to do- the _only_ thing to do, and Dumbledore was right, they would improve the Order from the inside. 

However, Lily was still at the forefront of his mind no matter what he did. 

He loved her. Actually, properly, pathetically _loved_ her. And how would that ever work out if he joined and she didn’t? 

‘You need to grow a pair and talk to her’ Sirius said, sounded exasperated, ‘I can’t take much more of this mate’. 

James shot him a dirty look, ‘Yeah I can see it’s really tearing you to shreds’. 

Sirius just shrugged, taking a drag from his cigarette as he lounged across his bed, browsing a magazine. 

‘I show my concern in other ways’ he said. 

From the other side of the room, they heard Remus snort. 

‘Something funny Moony?’ Sirius asked, looking affronted. 

‘Nothing at all Padfoot’. 

James sighed, studying the map intently for Lily’s dot to appear. She was usually easy to spot as she was often in the company of Sarah, Richard, and Benjy. 

The summer holidays were creeping ever closer and James knew he had to talk to Lily before school was out for the summer. If they were left alone in the castle all summer and not speaking, it would truly be a miserable holiday. 

At the moment she was barely making eye contact with him every time they met in the hallway, or the great hall, or in classrooms. Dorcas advised him to give her some time, for the open wound of Angela’s death to scab over before he tried to talk to her. 

He spotted her dot walking alone by the lake, and he made his decision. He had to talk to her, had to tell her that he wanted to be with her, if she wanted to join the Order or not. 

Because honestly, if he couldn’t be with her, what was he even fighting for anyway? 

He found her sat by the lake in a sheltered alcove, so far from the castle she was practically halfway to Hogsmeade. She was still alone, he was relieved to see, because he really didn’t want to have this conversation with an audience. 

‘Hi’ he began tentatively, approaching her. 

She span to face him, looking alarmed, her posture relaxing when she realised it was only him. 

‘How did you-?’ she began, but huffed out a laugh and said ‘The map. Right’. 

He shrugged sheepishly, ‘Can I sit?’ 

She nodded, not quite looking at him. 

She’d stripped her shoes and socks off, and was skimming the surface of the water with her toes gently, her feet barely reaching the water from the rock she was perched on. 

'I don't want us to fight anymore' He started, and tried not to be discouraged by the fact she didn't look at him, 'I like you Lil, and I don't care if you don't join the Order, I want to go out with you'. 

She did look up at him now, a small smile gracing her features. 'You really think that's possible?' she asked a little sadly, 'The Order operates in secret- you won't be able to tell me where you are, or what you're doing. Do you really think we could live like that?' 

'I'm willing to try' he said honestly, taking one of her hands in his, 'If you are'. 

She didn't reply for a moment, licking her lips and staring at their intertwined hands. 

'You could die' she whispered eventually, her voice cracking. 

'So could you'. 

She looked him in the eye, and he was determined not to look away first. Determined to prove how serious he was by the intensity of his gaze. 

'You could be caught in another attack like at Easter' he continued, 'Just in the wrong place at the wrong time, and I could lose you'. 

She looked away, squeezing his hand so tightly he expected to have nail marks across his knuckles. 

'You're right' she said simply, 'We both know Snape had to have been under one of those hoods- I'll be a target for sure'. 

Her words staggered James- while he had assumed one of their classmates had been involved in the attack, he hadn't stopped to think it may have been Snape. 

His disbelief clearly showed on his face as Lily cocked an eyebrow at him, 'You didn't know?' 

He shook his head mutely. 

'The Death Eater you were dueling when I got back from helping A-Angela' her voice cracked, but she ploughed on, 'I attacked him, but he didn't retaliate. He was the right height- his posture looked familiar...' she trailed off. 

'You're sure?' 

She nodded sadly. 

'But he didn't attack you' James pointed out- 'What makes you think you'll be a target'. 

'He didn't attack me, but he didn't exactly stop anyone else from doing it'. 

She said it so bluntly. Like the fact her ex-best friend wanted her dead wasn't really bothering her at all. 

'I'm sorry' he said quietly. 

'Don't be'. 

They sat in silence for a while. The setting sun glinting across the lake in front of them, the evening so still and calm the water barely rippled. 

***

‘Marlene’s missing’. 

Six pairs of eyes shot up to towards Cynthia, who was stone-faced and dry-eyed. Peter was standing next to her, his expression grim. 

‘Dumbledore just called me into his office’ she continued, ‘She’s been missing since last Saturday’. 

It was nearly midnight on Thursday, and the Gryffindors were huddled around the fire in the common room, finishing some homework. They’d sat together, honoring the tentative truce they’d reached over the last week. 

‘What was she doing when she went missing?’ Mary asked, ‘Something for the Order?’ 

Cynthia nodded, opening her mouth to speak, before pursing her lips and shaking her head. 

‘She was on an intelligence-gathering mission for the Order- they were looking into underground groups that might be supplying Voldemort with troops’ Peter finished for her, squeezing her hand, ‘They think she was discovered’. 

Mary sprung from her seat, throwing her arms around Cynthia; who immediately began to sob. 

Lily’s stomach felt like it had turned to stone, her hands were shaking, and she barely heard the comforting words Dorcas was now murmuring to Cynthia. 

Certain she wouldn’t be missed, she gathered her things and slipped up the stairs to the girls' dormitory, not noticing that James’ eyes followed her all the way. 

***

The sun was blazing down for the final trip to Hogsmeade of the year. James could hardly believe they were being allowed to go at all, considering the number of attacks over the last few months, but McGonagall insisted the village was well protected, and it was important to keep the school running as smoothly as possible. 

He’d seen Lily at breakfast and had asked if she’d like to join them in the village, but she’d politely declined, and gone with Sarah instead. 

He tried not to let it bother him. Tried being the operative word. 

‘This is the last trip of the year’ Sirius said with a long-suffering sigh, ‘You could at least pretend you’re having fun’. 

James flipped him off but Sirius chose to ignore this, flinging his arm around his friend and dragging him towards Honeydukes. 

‘You’ll stop sulking when you’ve got a gob full of sugar’ he said wisely, and Remus snorted. 

They were just making their way from Honeydukes to the Three Broomsticks, their pockets ladened with toffee, when for the second time in as many months, the world seemed to explode around them. 

***

Lily wasn’t aware of much other than pain. 

She could vaguely tell that people were screaming, but it seemed like it was miles away, and it would be so easy to just shut her eyes and drift off…

With screaming clarity, the last few minutes came rushing back to her, and she forced her eyes open as she tried to reach for her wand. She was bleeding, and her shoulder ached where part of a wall has landed on her, but she didn’t seem to have any worse injuries.

All around her she heard curses being screamed- Death Eaters were blasting children aside as older students tried to protect those younger. She sprang into action firing curse after curse as she edged along the street, desperate to find Sarah. They’d been standing just feet apart when the original curse blew part of the street to pieces, but now she was no where in sight. 

Without warning, another explosion rocked the street, and Lily took the moment of distraction to stun the two death eaters closest to her before taking off running. 

‘Get back to the school!’ she screamed at students as she ran by, ‘Run!!’ 

She saw three Slytherin boys scoop up some first years as if they weighed nothing and begin sprinting back to school- two Ravenclaws who couldn’t be more than thirteen were taking it in turn to jinx the Death Eater closest to them and a group of Hufflepuffs were casting shield charms to cover the backs of the retreating students. 

‘Petrificus Totalus!’ a familiar voice yelled, and Lily almost cried in relief. 

The petrified Death Eater hit the ground, and Lily ran to Sarah’s side. Wordlessly, they hauled two unconscious younger students to their feet and apparated them to the school gates, casting Rennervate over them both. 

‘Go straight up to the castle, grab the first teacher you see and tell them what’s happening’ Sarah instructed the trembling second years, as they blinked up at them in confusion, ‘I’m sure they already know, but just in case’. 

Lily shrugged off her tattered cardigan, flicked her wand to tie her hair off her face, and wiped a trickle of blood from her nostril. 

‘Are you going back?’ she asked Sarah. 

The shorter girl shot her a look of pure incredulity while she tied her own bright blue hair back, ‘Of course I am!’

‘Meet me in the alleyway behind Scrivenshafts’, Lily said, ‘We’ll go from there’. 

Her feet hit the ground and her knees very nearly buckled when she landed in the alley. She took a moment to be grateful she hadn’t splinched herself- there couldn’t possibly be worse timing for that. 

She’d partially hoped that the fighting would have stopped in the two minutes it had taken them to get the children to safety, but if anything, it sounded worse. 

‘How confident are you in your apparition?’ Lily whispered to Sarah when she appeared. 

Sarah shrugged, ‘Very- I passed before Christmas’. 

‘Right’ Lily said, thinking fast, ‘I haven’t passed yet, so I’ll stun Death Eaters and get them out of your way, you grab as many students as you can and get them back to the gates’. 

Sarah nodded once, her jaw set. 

With a deep breath, the two girls whipped around the corner and sprinted towards the first group they saw. Four girls, 4th years at most, who couldn’t hope to attack the Death Eater closing in on them, but were instead casting shield charm after shield charm. 

Lily threw a hex at the Death Eater, who span with a snarl and began to attack her, and from the damage the spells did to the wall behind her, he was aiming to kill. From the corner of her eye, Lily saw Sarah grab the two girls closest to her and apparate away, popping back seconds later for the second two. 

Once Sarah had gotten them away safely, she returned and with a silent stunner, the Death Eater hit the ground. 

Lily couldn’t help but grin in satisfaction, and a glance at Sarah confirmed that she wore an identical expression. 

A scream echoed further down the street and the two of them were moving before Lily even had a chance to think. 

Another group of students were clustered together by a collapsed wall- a lone older student was trying to fight three Death Eaters back, but they were impeded by the younger students, who were panicking and becoming more of a hindrance. 

Lily hit the Death Eater closest with a disarming charm, while Sarah yelled 'Stupefy', hitting the one next to him. Up closer now, Lily realised the older student was Richard, and he immediately turned to begin hexing the third Death Eater. 

Sarah popped in and out, grabbing children as she went, before eventually returning to find Lily and Richard with three unconscious Death Eaters at their feet. 

'Thank you' Richard gasped, clutching a stitch in his side, 'I couldn't take them on and protect the kids'. 

'I’m taking you back to school' Sarah told the younger boy, 'You're the most skilled at healing charms and I think Madam Pomfrey is going to have her hands full'. 

With a crack she disappeared, and Lily took the opportunity to deliver a swift kick to one of the downed Death Eaters. 

‘The Order has arrived’ Sarah said shortly when she returned, ‘The Death Eaters have taken dozens of hostages in the Three Broomsticks, the Order is trying to get them out’. 

‘What about the kids still in the streets?’ Lily said, ‘They’re outnumbered and underage!’. 

Sarah laughed hollowly, ‘There aren’t enough of them to save everyone’. 

‘Bullshit’ Lily snapped, ‘Come on, we’re not going to have any more Angela's today’. 

The two of them jogged down the alley and found themselves in the middle of the high street, where bodies littered the ground and they could see duels still going on at the top of the street. 

'We need to get them to Madam Pomfrey' Sarah said helplessly, gesturing to the unconscious students around them. 

Lily nodded, 'Get as many of them out of here as you can- I'm going to help-' she broke off as one of the dueling students went down with a scream, and took off running. 

The Death Eater who'd hit the student was laughing, a high, cold laugh that shook Lily right to her core. 

How could anyone think this was acceptable? Who could attack children and believe it was excusable for their cause? 

The adrenaline pumping through her veins made her hands shake, and she missed shot after shot as the Death Eater kept laughing and taunting her. 

'You think a little mudblood like you is going to stop me?' he laughed, 'you think any of you can stop us?' 

A jet of pure blue light hit her square in the chest and for a moment Lily was sure she was dead- and then fire erupted in her veins. She was boiling from the inside out, her bones breaking and mending and breaking again as every one of her cells imploded. She was vaguely aware that she was screaming, but she couldn't tell what was up or down and nothing mattered she just wanted it to stop make it stop make it _stop_...

The pain ended as abruptly as it had begun- she was trembling from head to toe and she was surprised to find that she was on the ground. She looked up and saw Sarah, standing over the body of the Death Eater who had crucioed her, and he was, without a doubt, dead. 

Sarah's eyes were wide and wild, she was breathing hard and splattered with blood, but she didn't look sorry. 

On the contrary, she looked angry. 

'Sarah?' Lily said, pulling herself to her feet. 

The shorter girl nodded stiffly, 'He- he killed-'. She jerked her chin towards the body of the student who had screamed, and Lily's legs went weak. 

It was Andrew, Sarah’s co-prefect. 

'I need to take-' Sarah began, but she broke off, angry tears spilling from her eyes. 

'-take his body back to the castle' Lily said, 'Go; I'm okay- you saved my life'. 

The girls locked eyes and for a moment it was obvious that they were thinking the same thing. That they hadn't joined the Order- but they'd ended up fighting the war anyway. 

Sarah gripped Andrew's wrist carefully, before disappearing with a crack that didn't quite drown out her sob. 

Lily looked around the street that was usually a place of joy, and barely contained a sob of her own. There was blood on the ground, dropped bags and coats and scraps of fabric torn from robes. The bodies of Death Eaters, stunned or dead were strewn across the road, but it looked like Sarah had managed to get all of the students back to the castle gates. 

She could still hear the sounds of fighting coming from further down the street, but she was hidden for now, around a bend in the road that led towards the Hogs Head. 

For a moment, a brief, insane moment, she considered running away. 

She’d done her bit, saved some lives and been crucioed for her trouble. The pain might have disappeared without a trace, but she had no desire to experience it again. 

Sarah reappeared with a crack. Her eyes dry and her jaw set in an angry line, ‘Most of the fighting is happening down by Honeydukes now’, she said, ‘The Order is still trying to evacuate the shops and pub’. 

Lily nodded, gripped her wand tighter, kicked the body of the Death Eater closest, and ran towards the sound of battle. 

***

It was happening again. 

People were screaming and crying and no matter what James did he wasn’t fast enough, wasn’t good enough, couldn’t get to everyone in time. 

The Order had appeared minutes ago, but they were preoccupied trying to evacuate the pub, which had been crammed full of students at the beginning of the attack. 

He was sweating, breathing heavily and bleeding from so many wounds he’d stopped trying to keep count of them all. 

He’d lost sight of Sirius during the original explosion, but Remus was by his side, his shield charms second to none as they tried to cover a group of Hufflepuff third years. 

‘Behind you!’ a familiar voice yelled, and James span in time to deflect a purplish spell- which immediately melted the glass of the window it hit. 

The Death Eater who cast the spell crumpled, and James caught sight of Lily her wand outstretched and smeared in blood and soot. 

‘Thanks’ James said a little breathlessly, pulling one of the Hufflepuffs to her feet. 

‘Sarah!’ the girl cried, looking over James' shoulder. He let her go and the two Hufflepuffs embraced quickly. 

‘I’m taking you back to the castle’ Sarah said sharply, grabbing another one of the third years by the hood of his robes. He’d just started to protest when they all vanished with a crack. 

Remus grabbed the other two and moved as if to apparate, but seemed to catch sight of something behind James. 

‘Take them’ Remus said, letting go of the younger boys and diving back into the fray. 

James span to see what Remus had spotted, and saw Sirius, bloody and bruised and tinged green fighting a Death Eater with no hood. 

It was Bellatrix. 

James grabbed the boys and apparated as quickly as he could, dropping their arms as soon as the gates were in sight and returning to the fight. 

The eldest Black sister was duelling Remus, Lily and Sirius all at once, while Sarah was apparating around almost unnoticed by the Death Eaters while she evacuated the final few students caught in the fray. 

As James watched, Remus was hit by one of Bellatrix's curses, and dropped to his knees, clawing at his chest. 

James leapt forwards to try and help, but felt a sudden burning sensation along his right ribs- a searing charm that almost finished him. 

He turned to fire back at the Death Eater who'd cast it, but came face to face with three towering figures in black cloaks. While James had never thought to ask what Voldemort looked like, he felt safe in assuming that the tallest figure, who had glowing red eyes and wasn’t wearing a mask, was the feared man himself. 

Realising he was outnumbered, he cast protection charms and shield charms as fast as he could- each one being shattered by a well-placed hex or curse by the rapidly approaching Death Eaters. 

A voice behind him cried 'Expelliarmus!' and one of the masked Death Eaters lost his wand. 

Sarah had finished rescuing the students, and was fighting too now. Bellatrix had disappeared, Remus was unconscious and Sirius was desperately trying to wake him- he was so still, almost as if he was- 

James shoved that thought down as far as he could and threw every curse, jinx or hex he could think of at the incoming Death Eater and Voldemort. Beside him, Sarah was muttering protection spells, giving him as much time as he needed to attack. 

Behind them, there was a scream, and without needing to turn and look, James knew it was Lily. 

He didn't dare turn- but instead his fear fuelled him and the Death Eater he was trying to stun was blasted several feet backwards. 

Sarah, however, had turned on instinct to help Lily, who was screaming so intensely it could only be the Cruciatus curse. 

With Sarah's protection spells gone, a stinging jinx hit James in the shins, and he fell forwards, his legs suddenly unable to take his weight. Lily had stopped screaming- but Sarah still had her back to Voldemort; 

'Sarah look out!' Lily screamed from somewhere behind him, and he looked up to see, almost in slow motion, Sarah take a bolt of green light straight to the chest, and a severing charm across her stomach. 

'No!' Lily and James screamed in horror, as the usually bright and colourful girl crumpled, her hair, nails and robes returning back to their usual colour, as the charms she'd cast on them broke. 

She was dead before she hit the ground. 

The Death Eater who had cast the severing was immediately struck by six different curses at once- reducing him to dust. 

As his now empty robes hit the ground, Voldemort disappeared with a snarl and a crack, and James looked up to see Dumbledore, his hands smeared with blood and a dangerous look upon his face. 

Lily was still screaming Sarah’s name, trying to shake her friend awake- her hands coming away bloody. Professor McGonagall reached out to her, pulling her away from the broken girl’s body. 

‘No- no Sarah!’ she sobbed, ‘She’s not dead- she can’t be dead-’ 

McGonagall forced her to look away from the body, and like that, she crumpled to the ground, her shoulders shaking with racking sobs. 

Dumbledore swept over to the body of the fallen prefect, and lent over her, his cloak hiding whatever he was doing. When he stood again, her body was gone- just a slight bloody imprint in the soil the only indication that she’d ever been there. 

Frank Longbottom appeared next to James, reversing the spell on his legs and pulling him to his feet. 

He tried to thank him, but the words got stuck in his throat. 

The Ministry had arrived, red-robed Aurors were moving up and down the high street now, arresting the surviving Death Eaters. 

Emmeline Vance had managed to revive Remus, whose face was pinched with pain and gripping Sirius’ arm so tightly his knuckles were white. 

Frank was speaking, James realised, but he couldn’t hear a word that the taller man was saying. Everything seemed hazy, distant, and in a sudden moment of clarity, he realised that this was how his future was going to be until the war was over. 

***

The whole school was in a state of shock. 

Exams were suspended, students had been rushed home by their parents, and the Hospital Wing was full to bursting point, even with six students having been moved to St Mungos for additional treatment. 

The bodies of the nine dead students were placed in a chamber off the main Hospital Wing- Sarah, Andrew and Sylvia Harris among them. The youngest victim had turned twelve just last week. 

Lily hadn’t spoken a word to anyone in the 48 hours since the attack. Not even to Dumbledore, who’d come to her dorm personally to thank her for the lives she’d saved. 

Hour by hour, her mood shifted. She went from angry to miserable to calm with such speed that she was scaring herself. 

Mary, Cynthia and Benjy all came and went, trying to talk to her, to tell her it was going to be okay. 

Dorcas didn’t even try. Instead, she came after all the others had left, and just held her while she cried. 

‘I’m so sorry Lily’ she said quietly, one hand slowly stroking her hair, ‘She was so innocent-’ 

Lily hiccoughed in sad agreement, having chosen to omit that Sarah had taken a life just minutes before she’d died. She wouldn’t have wanted to be remembered like that. 

‘I know-’ Dorcas started, her hand faltering on Lily’s hair, ‘I know you don’t want to think about it right now- but the Order wants to hear your side of what you saw when you’re feeling up to it’. 

Lily made a dissenting noise in the back of her throat.

‘Dumbledore has told them to wait a few days- but they need to know as many sides of the story as possible to work out how best to stop attacks in future’, Dorcas said quietly, ‘You were right in the middle of it- anything you could tell them would be helpful’. 

She sighed and sat up, wiping her eyes on the sleeves of her pyjamas. 

‘I’ll go now’ Lily said hoarsely, ‘Best get it over with’. 

Dorcas frowned in concern, ‘Are you sure?’

Lily nodded, getting to her feet and throwing her most tattered robes on over her pyjamas. They walked in silence to Dumbledore’s office, not meeting another soul in the corridors. Once they reached the bottom of the stairs, Dorcas shifted uneasily. 

‘I think you should probably go in alone- he made the rest of us go in individually’. 

‘Thank you, Dorcas’ Lily said sincerely, squeezing her friend’s hand. 

Dumbledore must have been expecting her somehow, because the moment she raised her hand to knock on his door, his voice called out, ‘Come in’. 

He didn’t seem surprised to see her, and Lily had a moment to think of the picture she must paint. She hadn’t showered since the attack, she still had blood caked under her nails and her arms were littered with wounds, including the scar she’d gained over Easter. He eyes were puffy, her makeup cried off and her hair was still in the bun she’d put it up in during the attack. 

She felt older than seventeen. 

‘Miss Evans’ Dumbledore began, standing and escorting her to the chair in front of his desk, ‘I wasn’t expecting to see you yet- how are you feeling?’. 

Lily felt a jolt of anger deep in her stomach and only years of repressing her anger around Petunia stopped her from lashing out. 

‘I’m-’ she began, before taking a deep breath, ‘I’m as well as I can be’.

Dumbledore set a cup of tea down in front of her and she barely repressed the childish urge to knock it back off his desk. Instead, she picked the ridiculously ornate patterned teacup up in her dirty hands, scratching at the handle with one of the fingernails still crusted in her friend’s blood. 

Instead of settling down behind his desk, Dumbledore conjured a new chair from thin air and sat down next to her, setting his own cup of tea down next to hers. 

‘Would you like me to take care of these?’ he asked softly, gesturing to her injuries. 

She froze for a moment, before nodding jerkily. 

He immediately set to work repairing the worst of the damage to her face and arms, and she sighed in relief when he set her cracked rib. She hadn’t realised quite how much it had been hurting- her mind far more focused on grief.

‘If you feel ready to talk about what happened, I would be very grateful’ he said, once the worst of her injuries were healed. 

Haltingly, and with several pauses to compose herself, she told him the whole story. How she’d been knocked unconscious during the original explosion, how she’d found Sarah, and they’d made their plan to evacuate those they could. She told him about being crucioed and Sarah saving her life, about finding Andrew’s body and returning it to the castle. She told him about the countless students that Sarah had apparated to safety, and the fact she’d left herself open to attack in those final moments to rescue Lily again. 

By the time she’d finished, her fingernails had cut bloody rivets in her palms, and there were tears dripping from the end of Dumbledore’s long nose. 

He offered her a handkerchief before summoning one of his own. 

‘She was- everything Hufflepuff house stood for’ Dumbledore said, ‘The whole school will feel her loss’. 

Lily nodded silently, draining the last of her tea. 

‘You should be incredibly proud of her’ he continued, ‘and of yourself’. 

'I don't know what I'm supposed to do now' Lily said quietly, 'I can't pretend I liked fighting, but I think-' 

She broke off, suddenly unsure. 

Dumbledore didn't prompt her at all, just waited for her to find the words. 

'Sarah didn't want to join the Order' Lily continued, 'But she did so much good during the fight. She saved so many people- I can't help but wonder if she could have done that as a member of the Order'. 

'She is exactly the sort of person we want on board' Dumbledore admitted, 'All the fighters in the world will do no good without people to save the people who need saving'. 

'I want to join' she said, a little bolder now, 'I don't know if she would approve, or if it's the right thing to do, but the next time there's an attack like that- I want to be there, and I want to do what Sarah would have done, and get the bystanders to safety'. 

Dumbledore looked somewhat taken aback, 'I will admit I didn't expect this Lily' he said gently, 'I don't want you rushing into this with grief clouding your vision'. 

She shook her head, 'It's not grief, it's so much more than that. It's-' she paused, 'It's me understanding that this war is going to happen with or without me, and at least if it happens with me, I know the difference I can make'. 

Dumbledore was silent for a long time, and Lily didn't break the silence- she willed herself to maintain eye contact with him, and when he opened his mouth to speak, she squared her shoulders. 

'Well then Miss Evans- welcome to the Order of the Phoenix'.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"How come she married him?" Harry asked miserably. "She hated him!"_
> 
> _"Nah, she didn't," said Sirius._
> 
> \- Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

The school was empty save for two furious, cooped up, grieving Gryffindors. 

They weren't allowed to leave the castle- Dumbledore’s orders. It was too dangerous, according to the Headmaster, for them to go roaming around on their own. 

James had wanted to argue, but one look at Lily had stopped the words in his throat. 

She hadn't spoken a word to him since the attack. According to Dorcas, the only person she'd really spoken to was Dumbledore. 

They were allowed to leave the castle to attend their classmates' funerals, but they were escorted by teachers and weren't permitted to join the rest of their year in the pub afterwards. 

Lily barely left her room for the first week of the summer, and James found that his forced isolation was waring him down more than he would have imagined. He had no one but Hades for company, but the elderly cat preferred the company of the other creatures in the forest, so went missing for hours at a time. 

She might be fine shutting everyone out and mourning alone, but he needed to talk to someone. He needed to know that he wasn't alone in this, but Sirius was working, Remus was somewhere in Spain with his family, and Peter and Cynthia were holed up at her parent's house, anxiously awaiting news about Marlene. 

He began to clean their dorm room, purely for something to do, and uncovered a bottle of firewhiskey that hadn't been opened. He didn't remember buying it, but if it was under his bed, it stood to reason it was probably his. 

Deciding then and there that enough was enough, he grabbed his broom and flew to Lily's dorm window. The curtains were shut, and he was knocking for a good thirty seconds before she finally threw them open and glared at him. 

'I can't live here with you for six weeks and not speak' he said honestly, 'Can you let me in?' 

She looked like she was about to shut the curtains again, so he held the bottle out in front of him, 

'We can drink in silence if you prefer'. 

Her lips twitched in a way that was almost a smile, before unlatching the window to let him in. 

'Thank you' he said graciously, lowering himself into the dorm. 

'I'm sorry-I' Lily started, her voice cracking, 'I'm sorry I haven't been great company'. 

James sat next to her on her bed and took a moment to wonder if she'd been eating properly- the teeshirt she wore was hanging off her thin frame, and her cheeks looked hollow in the harsh sunshine pouring through the window. 

'You don't have to be sorry Lil' he said gently, 'But I don't think you should lock yourself away like this'. 

'I know' she muttered, 'But I just-' 

She broke off, her eyes filling with tears, and James panicked. 

'Firewhiskey?' he asked, holding the bottle out to her, and she laughed. 

'It's barely noon' 

'So?' he asked, uncorking it and taking a swig-yep, that's the cheap stuff- 'It's the summer holidays, we're in the middle of a war, we're in mourning and we're of age'. 

A beat passed before Lily stuck her hand out for the bottle. 

He grinned and passed it to her, their fingers brushing slightly. 

They drank in silence for a while, just passing the bottle back and forth with no particular need for conversation. 

Eventually, Lily looked up at him and said, 'Thank you'. 

'What for?' 

'Coming here' she said, pulling at a loose thread on her bedspread, 'I've been hiding out for so long, I was scared to come back out'. 

'Scared?' he said, 'You?' 

She snorted, flicking the cap of the bottle at him. 

'Lily it's okay to be sad' he said, 'I've seen you grieve before'.

'I'm not- _sad_ ' she interjected, 'I'm angry'. 

James paused, the bottle halfway to his mouth. 

'Obviously, I am sad too' she said in a rush- 'Sarah and Andrew were my friends, and even Sylvia, I didn't know her well but we sat together in second-year transfiguration... I'm just so _angry_ that they died in a war they didn't want to fight in'. 

James didn't know what to say to that. 

'Sarah was so against the Order- we didn't talk about it all that much, but she believed there were better ways to fight evil'. 

'She was very-' 

‘Idealistic' Lily said sharply, 'She thought that kindness could change the world'. 

'Maybe one day' James said sadly. 

‘And I feel terrible because part of me is angry _at_ her’

He frowned, ‘At Sarah- why?’ 

‘She left herself open to that attack to save me- she could have dodged that curse, but-’ 

‘She knew that she was doing’ James argued, ‘She was there to save everyone she could-’

‘By getting herself killed!’ Lily practically growled, ‘She didn’t want to join the Order because she was afraid of dying but she threw herself into danger anyway to save me!’ 

James bit his lip- ‘You would have done the same for her’. 

Lily deflated a bit, staring down at her bedspread again, ‘In a heartbeat. But I didn’t get the chance’. 

***

If you had told Lily Evans a year ago that James Potter would one day be the reason she got out of bed in the morning, and the best part of her day, she'd have wanted to know who confounded you so she could ask them for tips. 

But despite that, it had become true. 

Every morning he woke her up by sending Hades up to her dormitory, a note attached to his collar to tell her what they were doing that day. Sometimes it was 'flying', sometimes it was 'homework', and sometimes it was 'adventure'. 

On adventure days he took her around the castle and the grounds, showing her all the hidden passages and secrets that the castle had. 

Once they ventured into the forest, Lily trying to pretend she wasn't scared at all.

They paddled in the lake, had picnics on the lawns and went for tea with Hagrid every other day. 

They could almost pretend that it was a normal summer. Almost make it seem like it was a fun break from school work with no other worries. 

But then Lily would have another nightmare and be found pacing the common room at 3am, or James would swear he heard someone sneaking around his room, causing his adrenaline to spike and leaving him keyed up for hours afterwards. 

They both carefully didn't mention the fact that they both carried their wands with them everywhere now, even around the castle. Lily thought he probably slept with it under his pillow like she did. 

Three weeks into the holiday McGonagall sent them a letter to invite them to have lunch with her at her home in Hogsmede. 

Lily tried to believe it was a nice gesture- but instead was left feeling suspicious. 

She dressed carefully that morning and almost laughed when she met James in the common room and realised he'd done the same. It even looked like he'd tried to comb his hair flat. 

She wrinkled her nose, 'It doesn't look like you' she said, reaching out to fluff it up again. 

James turned scarlet, and Lily realised it was probably the first time she'd touched him in weeks. 

She coughed slightly and stepped away, 'There, much better'.

He raised his hand to his hair and mussed it, the action so familiar to her by now that her heart ached. 

They made their way to Hogsmede, debating back and forth about what McGonagall might want. 

'Something about the attack?' Lily said, 'Wants to go over what happened again?' 

'Or maybe she wants to just check if we're OK?' James suggested, shifting uncomfortably. 

Lily shot him a disbelieving look. 

'Maybe something about the Order?' he said, clearing his throat. 

'More likely'. 

She hadn't told James that she was joining the Order yet. She didn't know what was stopping her- he would be thrilled, and things could go back to the way they were before Easter. Maybe they could even go on a date where no one dies. 

They arrived at McGonagall’s house at five to twelve, and Lily did a double take at first. 

It was not the sort of house she expected McGonagall to live in. 

She had been expecting one of the terraced houses on the outskirts of the village- plain but functional, with lots of room for books but very little personality, as she lived most of the year at the castle. 

But on the contrary, it was, _homely_. 

A small, squat cottage on the outskirts of town, the roof was thatched and the garden was a riot of colour. Lily noticed that the plants didn't all have magical properties either- it was a garden grown for both function and aesthetic. 

McGonagall greeted them at the door with a smile, and Lily was slightly alarmed to see how differently she dressed outside of school. 

Instead of a severe bun, her hair was braided simply over one shoulder- and her robes looked soft and well worn, in a light shade of green that she would never have worn inside the castle. 

'Don't you both stand around like codfish' she chastised, 'If you're both in the Order you'll have to get used to seeing me outside of school'. 

'Sorry Professor-' James said automatically, and she scowled at him- 'Sorry... Minerva?' 

'You may call me Minerva only outside of the castle' she said sternly, and Lily was almost relieved to hear that tone from her, 'At school, I am Professor McGonagall, but outside of school I am no longer your teacher- in fact, I suppose I am now your colleague'. 

James didn't seem to have realised what she'd said about them _both_ being in the Order, still so wide-eyed at how different she looked. 

They sat down at the cramped kitchen table and tucked into sandwiches and cold pumpkin juice with grateful smiles. 

James had a cucumber sandwich halfway to his mouth before it finally clicked, 'You said if we're _both_ in the Order-'

He looked over at her quizzically, and she put down the tuna sandwich she'd been about to take a bite from, 'I decided to join'. 

Instead of being thrilled, as she'd expected, he frowned, 'Why? You were adamant-'

'Because this war is going to be fought with or without me, and even if I don't join the Order there's no guarantee I won't have to fight- just look at what happened last month'. 

James opened his mouth and shut it a few times, Minerva looking at them curiously. 

'I'm sorry Lily' she said, 'I thought you would have told him'. 

Lily waved a hand, 'I was going to- I just wanted some time to-' 

'Pretend everything is normal?' James smiled wryly, 'We've been doing a pretty good job of that'. 

She took a bite of a sandwich and chewed slowly before replying, 'This is our last summer- I wanted a little time to just enjoy it, even if I wasn't much in the mood for fun'. 

'Are you sure this is what you want?' James asked, concern in his voice, 'Joining the Order? Because I don't want you to regret it-'

'I'm sure' Lily nodded, covering his hand with hers, 'It took me a while, but I feel like it's something I need to do'. 

James looked satisfied with that, and they smiled at each other softly, neither of them moving their hands. 

Minerva cleared her throat and they both jumped, completely forgetting they weren't alone.

'While I understood your reasons for not joining' she said to Lily, 'I'll admit I am very glad you've changed your mind'. 

'Me too' James piped up, pulling his hand back to reach for another sandwich. 

'I did have another reason for inviting you both here today' Minerva continued, and James and Lily shared a side long glance. 

This did not go unnoticed by Minerva, 'I suppose you figured as much-' 

'Well, with all due respect _Minerva_ ' James said, emphasising her name, 'You've not invited us over for lunch before, and it's not the first time we've been alone in the castle after being involved in a firefight'. 

Well wasn't _that_ a depressing realisation. 

'I wanted to offer you the Head Boy and Girl position' she said bluntly, and Lily sprayed pumpkin juice over herself. 

'What?' she croaked. 

James was looking at Minerva like she'd gone quite mad. 

'Dumbledore and the Heads of Houses met last week' Minerva continued, summoning a tissue and thrusting it at Lily, 'And they agreed we would like the two of you to be Head Boy and Girl next year'. 

Lily opened and closed her mouth a few times but couldn't quite think of anything to say. 

'I'm not even a prefect!' James burst out eventually, 'Aren't there rules against that? You have to be a prefect to be the head boy?!' 

Minerva arched one brow, 'No rules, explicitly, but for the last few decades the position has generally gone to one of the prefects, yes'. 

Lily thought for a moment, 'Why us?'. 

'You are the obvious choice- you're members of the Order, you're popular, good students and sensible enough to know what's going on inside the castle'. 

'But why _me_?' James asked, still gaping. 

'I will admit' McGonagall said slowly, 'That you were not our first choice'. 

Lily tried not to laugh. She really did. 

'Who was?' 

'Remus' Minerva said, 'We wanted him to be Head Boy for much the same reasons we want you' she said, jerking her chin towards Lily, 'But he turned the position down'. 

James actually looked a little mollified by this information. 

'You were worried you were taking it from him, weren't you?' Lily asked him fondly. 

'He's earned it!' James said defensively, 'Some best mate I would be if I swooped in and took a position he's worked hard for'. 

'Is that your way of telling me you accept?' Minerva asked with a small smile. 

James looked at Lily, and the intensity of his gaze stole the air from her lungs for a moment. 

'If Lily's in, I'm in' he said. 

She took a breath, 'Well, I guess that means we're in'. 

***  
If he’d been told at eleven years old that being Head Boy would mean he’d get his own bedroom eventually, James might just have worked a bit harder at his homework and a bit less on his pranks. 

Not that it had done him any harm, seeing as he was standing in his very own bedroom in the Head dorms. 

He was also trying really hard not to think about the fact that he shared a dormitory with Lily now. 

There were no spells on the steps to her bedroom (they’d already checked), and they would now be only a few metres apart while they were sleeping. 

He wasn’t thinking about it. 

He absolutely wasn’t thinking about the fact he’d basically be coming home to her every night. Like they were a couple. 

Which they could be. If he would just get his head out of his arse and talk to her about it. 

Oh, he was in _so_ much trouble. 

The Head dorm was on the fourth floor of the castle, hidden behind a tapestry of Merlin and Morgana. 

The tapestry opened up into a cosy, oval-shaped common room, with a fire opposite the door and large, floor to ceiling windows either side of the fireplace. There were sofas and squashy armchairs angled towards the fire, and ladened bookcases lining the opposite wall. 

There were also desks for them to study at, and well-worn rugs kept the chill off the floor. 

Four steps lead up to the Head Boy's bedroom on the right, while the Head Girls bedroom was the same on the left. The bedrooms were small, identical mirrors of each other, with a large bed, small wardrobe and desk. Their trunks had been brought in by the house elves and sat at the end of their beds. A large window against one wall made the rooms feel much larger, and a door in the corner led to a little bathroom, with a toilet, shower and sink. 

It was small, neat and all theirs for the next year. 

Lily dropped onto the sofa next to him, having dumped the last of her bags by the door. 

'I did not see this coming' she admitted. 

James snorted, 'You think it's a surprise to you, just imagine where I'm sitting'. 

'I used to come in here when Alice was Head Girl, I never thought the room would be mine one day'. 

'I didn't even know the Head Students got their own dorm' James muttered, 'That's a well-kept secret'. 

Lily shrugged, 'It's not a secret exactly, but it’s kept quiet to stop people moaning about it being unfair. It makes a lot of sense for them to have room to work on their own. If the Head Students are from different houses, it can make it difficult for them to find time to write the prefect schedule and things on top of their NEWT work'. 

'I've got to ask-' James started, 'Between all the of age students who've lived in this dorm, and all the end of term revelry and stress...How many people do you think have had sex in this room?' 

Lily's nose wrinkled adorably and she sprung to her feet. 

'I hadn't thought of that' she said, whipping out her wand, 'Get up, we're scourgifying everything'. 

James just laughed and pulled out his own wand. 

*** 

Betsy helped Lily settle in on the first day of having her own room. 

The elf turned out to have a great eye for decorating, and she helped Lily hang colourful drapes from the walls until her small bedroom resembled a tent, and she found pretty scented ever-burning candles to place on the windowsills. She even brought in a potted plant for each of them that she had asked Professor Sprout for. 

'Thank you Betsy' Lily said softly, stroking one of the soft leaves, 'It really makes the place look like home'. 

'You're welcome Miss' the elf beamed, 'And I've asked Alfred if he would swap cleaning duties with me, so he'll be the one cleaning Gryffindor tower now, and I'll be cleaning the Head dorms'. 

'Oh Betsy you didn't have to do that!' Lily said, putting her plant on the windowsill and throwing her arms around the elf, 'It's probably going to be really boring tidying up after us'. 

'I wanted to Miss' Betsy said patting Lily's shoulder a bit awkwardly, 'You've been through so much this year- I think you need someone looking after you'. 

Lily was absolutely mortified to realise her eyes had filled with tears. 

'That's really nice of you Betsy' 

'Think nothing of it Miss' Betsy said with a smile, 'Now, I'd best be off- we need to start dinner'. 

With a crack, the little elf disappeared, leaving Lily with a warm feeling in her chest that she hadn't felt since Sarah died. 

There was a timid knock on the door and Lily waved her wand in its general direction. It swung open to reveal James standing on the threshold, a nervous smile on his face. 

There was a beat of silence before he said, 'This is weird'. 

She laughed, waving him in as she turned to water the plant, 'It is a bit' she admitted, 'We'll get used to it though'. 

'It'll be great for having the guys over when term starts' James said musingly, 'No more trying to beat everyone else to the good armchairs by the fire'. 

'And we won't have to feel guilty about staying up late in the common room and waking people up' 

'Or putting up with giggling first years when you're trying to write an essay'. 

'Oh!' Lily added, 'Or trying to stop Rebecca Finnigan's cat from clawing everyone's legs'. 

'That thing is not a cat' James said shortly, 'It's a tiny demon covered in fur'. 

Lily smiled, 'And now we never have to see the damn thing again if we don't want'. 

James flopped onto her bed, staring up at the ceiling, 'You've decorated nicely' he said, gesturing to the canopied ceiling.

'Betsy helped' Lily said, 'I was just trying to work out the best charm to change the colour of my bed sheets too'. 

'I'd help' he muttered, 'But I'd probably transfigure them into a moose or something'. 

'Have you decorated?' she asked, tapping the sheets a few times until she was satisfied with the result. 

James waved a nonchalant hand; 'I put a few posters up, and put my plant on the windowsill'. 

‘How long do you reckon you’re going to keep the plant alive?’ she asked, the corners of her mouth twitching. 

He glared at her, still upside down. 

‘I’m not that bad at Herbology!’ he said, looking offended. 

She snorted. 

‘Do you remember the fanged geranium that died in the space of a double Herbology lesson?’ 

He threw a pillow at her, which she swiped neatly out of the air and tapped with her wand, changing the colour of the pillowcase. 

'Have you written to Sirius to tell him you took the job?' Lily asked, changing the subject.

'Not yet' he sighed, 'He's going to laugh himself sick- I'm not sure I can face it'. 

'I haven't told Dorcas yet either' Lily said with a small frown, 'I know she was up for the job too, I don't know how to tell her without it sounding like I'm bragging'. 

'She won't mind' James told her seriously, 'I asked Minerva if she'd chosen the Quidditch captain yet, and she told me it'll be Dorcas'. 

'Oh that's good' she said, relieved, 'She wanted that more anyway'. 

'I wanted to talk to you about that actually-' he started, sitting upright, 'I'm not going to quit the team'. 

'Okay?' Lily replied, not sure where he was going with this, 'I didn't know you were thinking about it'. 

'Well I wasn't, but I don't want you to have to do all the Head duties on your own because I'm busy with Quidditch. I know I'll have a lot on my plate, but I can do both, and I won't drop you in it, I promise'. 

Lily was oddly touched. 

'Come on' she said, pulling him upright, 'We have summer work to do, and we've got our very own study area now'. 

He groaned, and she couldn’t help but laugh as she poked him in the back to usher him out of her bedroom. 

Okay, she thought, I am _definitely_ in love with James Potter. 

***

James was determined to be a very considerate roommate. He always woke up before Lily and made sure when he got his morning coffee he always got one for her too- casting a warming charm on it so it’d still be warm when she got up. 

He was always tidying up after himself, made as little noise as he could manage when he knew she was sleeping, and did his best to stop Hades from constantly trying to sleep on her bed. 

By the time they’d settled into a routine, there were only two weeks left of the holiday, and James was starting to feel very apprehensive about their final year. 

Would he find enough time to study, do his Head Boy duties and play Quidditch? Would Lily resent him if he let the Quaffle drop? Would the prefects respect him at all considering he hadn’t been a prefect himself? 

Lily could tell something was wrong- she kept asking him if he was okay, but he waved her off and said he just had a lot on his mind. 

Which was true of both of them really. 

Sarah’s brother had gotten married the week before, and he’d sent Lily an invite last minute, explaining in his letter that Sarah had always spoken highly of Lily; and so he was inviting her friends in order to feel like his sister was still a part of his wedding. 

Lily didn’t come out of her room for several hours after she read the letter.

She went to Dumbledore to ask for permission to attend the wedding, but he’d gently told her it was a bad idea. Sarah’s family were muggles- and so thought Sarah had died in a tragic car accident. He didn’t think it wise for a group of grieving teenagers to attend a muggle wedding where the alcohol would be free flowing and relatives would be asking for stories about how they knew Sarah. 

James helped her craft an apology letter back, explaining that as she was orphaned at Christmas, she lived full time at school now, and wouldn’t be able to make the journey to Southampton. 

Minerva let them use her own owl to send it. 

‘We should go to the pub’ Lily announced on Saturday afternoon, ‘Rosmerta is reopening the Three Broomsticks tonight for the first time after the attack, we should go’. 

James frowned, ‘You think Dumbledore would be OK with that?’ 

‘I already asked’ she beamed at him, ‘He said it was an excellent idea, provided we’re back in the castle by midnight, never let each other out of our sight and keep our heads down’. 

‘Who would have thought a trip to the pub would end up having so many rules?’ he lamented. 

‘Well this is our life now Jamie-James, best get used to it’ she singsonged. 

He squinted at her suspiciously, ‘You’re in an awfully good mood’. 

She took a deep breath, sighed slightly, and dropped down beside him on the sofa, so close she was practically in his lap. 

‘We’re alive’ she said simply, turning to look at him intently, ‘We lost friends two months ago to a war that we’re going to be fighting on the front lines of- but for now we’re alive, and young and it’s summer’. 

‘We should make the most of it’ he murmured, letting his eyes roam over her face for a moment, ‘But we barely have twenty galleons between us, so I hope you’re prepared to drink water all night’. 

‘I thought you might say that’ Lily said with a glint in her eye, ‘but I remembered I had this’.

From behind one of the sofa cushions she produced an almost full bottle of firewhiskey, with a familiar looking bow attached. 

‘Is that-?’ 

‘My birthday present from the girls’ she nodded, ‘I only ended up drinking one glass of it that night- Peter and Remus brought out that redcurrant rum and we all ended up drinking that instead’. 

James took the bottle from her and quirked an eyebrow, ‘Do you think Rosmerta will mind if we buy one drink and top our glasses up ourself?’ 

‘Nah’ Lily said breezily, ‘She loves us’. 

‘ _Well_ ’ James grinned, ‘She loves the Potter charm’.

Turns out she _did_ mind, as James and Lily found themselves being ejected from the Three Broomsticks three hours later, the birthday bottle of firewhiskey landing on the ground next to them. 

‘That was rude’ James sighed, getting to his feet and holding a hand out for Lily. 

She was laughing so hard it took three tries to pull her to her feet, and even then he had to hold her up in case she keeled over again. 

‘So much for your Potter charm!’ she giggled, smacking his shoulder as her laughing fit subsided. 

‘She totally would have let us stay if the bar was emptier’ James said confidently, winding an arm around her shoulders and leading her back towards the castle, ‘She just didn’t have room to keep us when there were all those paying customers’. 

Lily stopped walking suddenly, uncorking the bottle and taking a long drink before passing it to him. 

‘I want this bottle empty before we get back to the castle’ she said in a serious tone. 

He mock saluted and took a drink of his own. 

They ambled along the high street, neither of them wanting to linger too long or let their eyes fall on places they’d been trying to forget. Before they knew it, the gates were in sight but the bottle was still half full. 

There was a low stone wall running the edge of the road and James hopped up on it, sitting and swinging his legs. Lily sat next to him and he passed the bottle back. 

‘Did I ever tell you about the time we put glitter in all the Slytherin’s food?’ James asked conversationally, and Lily choked, spraying whiskey out of her nose before falling about laughing. 

‘I KNEW that was you!’ she exclaimed, ‘Snape whined about it for _weeks_ but no one could prove who’d done it’. 

‘Avery threw up glitter all over the Quidditch pitch’ James reminisced fondly. 

They quipped back and forth until the bottle was empty, James eventually transfiguring the empty bottle into a rock that they skimmed on the lake. 

James told her about the planning of all the most famous of the Marauder pranks, and Lily had her own fair share of prank stories, many of them at the expense of her sister or her brother-in-law.

Eventually they fell through the tapestry, tripping slightly on the lip in the doorway, as Lily continued her story; ‘And I swear- he was just standing buck naked in the paddling pool, clutching the barbecue tongues in one hand while the dog was burying his swimming trunks and the burgers were smoldering on the lawn, and he looked Petunia right in the eye and said ‘I can explain’’. 

She lapsed into hysterics and James clung on to her, his own shoulders shaking with mirth, ‘And she didn’t think that was a good enough warning sign not to marry him?’ he gasped, eyes watering. 

Lily shook her head mutely, her chest heaving as she wrapped her arms around him for support. 

‘Well, I think you dodged a bullet missing that wedding’ James said finally, drawing himself back up to his full height and letting his hands rest on her waist, ‘You probably would have brought that story up after a few glasses of champagne and then she’d have got the dog to bury you in the garden next’.

Lily snorted, her lips curved in a wicked smile, ‘I made sure her maid of honour got hold of the pictures before her hen party’. 

‘You are diabolical’ he said solemnly, stubbornly keeping his hands at her waist, much as he was itching to send them lower. 

She made a small noise in agreement, and James noticed that she wasn’t looking him in the eye any more, her gaze dropping to his lips, ‘So don’t piss me off Potter’ she said softly, her tongue wetting her bottom lip. 

It was like an invitation. 

His lips crashed against hers with a suddenness that was startling. Her tongue swept across his bottom lip and he gave up controlling his hands, sending them as low as he wanted. Her skirt was almost criminally short, and with his hands firmly on the curve of her backside it was riding up even more. He was vaguely aware that she was walking him backwards, but he wasn’t sure why until his back hit one of the bookcases and he broke away from her with a soft ‘oof’. 

She gripped the collar of his shirt with a mischievous grin and dove in to kiss him again, biting at his bottom lip as her hands found the hem of his shirt and she splayed her hands over his bare abdomen, causing him to hiss. 

‘Cold hands!’ he gasped, and she laughed, pulling the shirt off and over his head. His glasses were knocked askew and he reached up to fix them, but one of her hands beat him to it- pulling them off and setting them on the bookshelf behind him. 

He decided he liked slightly tipsy Lily… Slightly tipsy Lily was a lot braver than him. 

The second she put the glasses down he was kissing her again, determined to get some payback of his own. He switched their positions much more smoothly that he would have thought he could, and once her back was against the bookshelf he deepened the kiss- using every dirty trick he knew until she was making little noises in the back of her throat. 

One hand stayed firmly at the small of her back, keeping them pressed together and no doubt letting her know exactly how much he was enjoying this, while the other roamed freely up and down her body, coming to a stop at her thigh and pulling her leg up and around his hip. 

She ground herself against him, her fingers digging into his shoulders and he broke away suddenly. 

For a moment they were frozen, faces just centimetres apart, their lower bodies still flush together as they panted. 

Lily decided to be the brave one, ‘Do you want to come up to my room?’ she asked almost innocently, as if he wasn’t shirtless, holding her against a bookcase. 

He smothered a laugh as he dropped another kiss on her lips, ‘Merlin, yes’. 

***

Lily thought that she would struggle to sleep with someone next to her, but to her surprise she found herself drifting off quite comfortably in James' embrace that night. 

When she woke it was still dark, but she didn't dare move to check the time in case she disturbed the slightly snoring man next to her. 

She lay in the darkness for a while, a soft smile on her face, the blankets bunched around her midriff and her head cushioned on James' chest. 

He twitched in his sleep like a dreaming dog, and she tried to smother her laugh- but he stirred beneath her regardless. 

'Are you laughing at me?' he muttered sleepily, using the arm not currently wrapped around her to stretch and wipe the sleep from his eyes. 

'Maybe' she said cheekily, propping herself up on one elbow, 'You were twitching. Like a dog'. 

James snorted, 'You think I'm bad, you should try sharing a bed with Sirius'. 

She wrinkled her nose, 'No thanks, he's not really my type'. 

'Oh yeah?' he asked with a smile, 'What exactly is your type?' 

'I like Quidditch players' she said seriously, 'With glasses, and stupid hair'. 

'Well, he definitely doesn't have- hey!'. 

Lily laughed, biting her lip as she looked down at him, a blush colouring her cheeks. 

'Having regrets?' he asked softly, his forehead creasing in concern. 

She shook her head vigorously, 'No. It's just-'

She looked away, not sure how to verbalise what she needed to. 

'It should feel wrong, being this happy, considering everything that's happened'. 

James sat up, catching her chin in one hand and angling her face towards his, 'Don't you think that's why we deserve to be happy?' he asked, 'Don't you think we should be allowed to have all the fun we can?' 

Her stomach dropped, 'Fun?' she asked. 

'Yeah' he smiled, 'You and me- we have fun. What's wrong with that?' 

'N-nothing' she stammered, her face turning rapidly scarlet. 

Of _course_ this was just fun to him. 

Who on earth would want to dive headfirst into a relationship in the middle of a war? 

Well, _she_ did. 

'Can we go back to sleep now?' James teased, 'It's the middle of the night'. 

She nodded, laying back down. He curled himself around her and was snoring softly within seconds. 

She found it a lot harder to sleep after that. 

It was surprisingly not awkward in the morning. She did blush from head to toe when they picked their discarded clothes up from the common room floor, and James plucked her bra out of the vase on the coffee table, but it wasn't as uncomfortable as it could have been. 

She managed to keep a very tight lid on her emotions until she was alone in her bathroom a while later, and once she was safely in the shower, she let herself cry. 

Sleeping with James couldn't have been a mistake- she refused to believe that. They worked so flawlessly together in every sense of the word, and it had translated between them the night before. She wasn't a virgin, neither was he. So why did she feel like this was more important than any other sexual encounter she's had before? 

_Because you love him_ , a little voice in the back of her mind told her. 

She told that voice to put a sock in it. 

Once she was finished with her shower, she used her wand to clear the steam from the bathroom mirror and bit her lip in amusement when she saw exactly how many love bites James had managed to leave across her chest. 

She studied her reflection in the mirror for a long while, before sighing. 

‘Fun’- she muttered to herself, ‘I can _do_ fun’. 

She could, and she would. 

***

He’d definitely done something to upset Lily. 

_Again_. 

She wasn’t being herself- and at first, he was sure he was imagining it. 

She laughed a bit too loud and wanted to take a few too many risks. She kissed him like the world was going to end any moment and avoided talking about anything serious. 

He thought that maybe this was a stage of grief- that she was living life as loudly as she could to help her process her loss. But something about it all just seemed _off_. 

He tried to bring it up on three different occasions. Once, she laughed and told him she wasn’t acting any differently. On the second, she rolled her eyes and told him to take the stick out of his arse. On the third, she just tutted and said, ‘We’re having _fun_ James, isn’t that what you wanted?’.

Completely at a loss for what to do, James did the unthinkable. 

He asked someone for help. 

He considered asking Sirius, but then he pictured the howler he’d probably get in reply once his best mate found out he’d had sex with Lily. 

So, Remus then. 

He skimped over details in the letter, just getting to the crux of the issue- he was madly in love with Lily, they’d had sex, and now she was being weird. 

Six and a half hours after he sent the letter off with the healthiest looking school owl he could find, he heard voices inside his trunk while he was pruning the plant on his windowsill. 

'James!' the very familiar voice called, 'James! Pay attention to me you prat!' 

He opened the trunk with a growing sense of dread, and his stomach plummeted when he picked up the mirror, revealing Sirius' grinning face and Remus looking apologetic behind him. 

'Well if it isn't the man of the hour!' Sirius practically howled, 'I never thought we'd see this day... Potter actually bagged Evans!'

'Sirius!' Remus said scolding, 'I told you not to be a dick-' 

Sirius ignored him. 

'So what was it like?' 

James scowled. 

'Don't be like that Prongs- tell your old pal Sirius all about it'. 

'I didn't want to tell you at all- you'll notice the letter was addressed to _Remus_ '. 

Remus grimaced from over Sirius' shoulder, 'Sorry- I was in the shower when the owl arrived, he'd already read it by the time I got out'. 

'Why is Sirius at your house while you take a shower?' James asked, 'In fact, why is Sirius at your house at all? Don't you have a job mate?' he directed the last part at Sirius. 

'You are avoiding the question' Sirius said, 'Tell us about Evans!'. 

'I didn't want to tell you to- to- I don't know, brag about it or something' he said crossly, 'I wanted advice!'. 

There was a pause. 

'You wanted to brag a bit though, right?' Sirius asked with raised eyebrows. 

James tugged on his hair sheepishly, 'Maybe a bit'. 

Remus elbowed Sirius out of the way and took the mirror from him, 'Okay, let's get to the advice bit' he said, ‘What did you do to piss her off?'

'Nothing!' James said quickly, 'I swear I was a perfect gentleman and she said she was really happy but she's just acting so _weird_ -'.

'I don't mean to insult you here mate, but do you think she might be having regrets?' Remus asked, looking sorry that he'd even suggested it. 

'I guess she might-' James said slowly, 'But she said the morning afterwards that she didn't regret it. She said she felt guilty for being as happy as she was considering everything that’s going on'. 

Remus looked suspicious, 'And what did you say to that?' 

James pulled a face, 'I don't know exactly-' Remus rolled his eyes at him. 'Hey! It was 4 o’clock in the sodding morning!' 

'Well, what do you think you said?' 

'I don't know- something about us deserving all the fun we can get-' 

Sirius and Remus both made exasperated noises. 

'Did you say fun?' Sirius asked, snatching the mirror from Remus 'Did you explicitly use the word fun?' 

‘Yeah?’ he said, ‘I mean I think so?’ 

The boys in the mirror rolled their eyes in unison. 

‘You and Lily have been mad about each other for months- years really’ Remus said patiently, ‘And now she thinks that you are just looking for a bit of fun’. 

‘Yeah- think about it from her point of view’ Sirius said, ‘You basically just told her that she’s a bit of comfort in wartime’. 

James blinked several times in quick succession. 

‘Shit’. 

‘Double shit’ Remus nodded. 

‘I didn’t mean it like that though!’ James said, panicked, ‘I was half asleep and she was naked and-’

‘Urgh!’ Remus said, covering his ears, ‘She’s like my sister!’ 

Sirius was laughing, ‘You did realise that she probably would have to be naked for them to have sex?’ 

‘I’m trying not to think about it at all, to be honest’ Remus said with dignity.

‘What am I going to do?’ James asked, snapping a finger to get their attention back, ‘How am I supposed to prove to her this is more than just “wartime comfort”?’ 

Remus had a thoughtful look on his face, the same kind of look that usually came with trying to figure out a potions problem or charms mistake. 

‘Why don’t you tell her about Prongs?’ 

James expected Sirius to burst with outrage, to exclaim that he couldn’t tell her their biggest secret and that Remus was a traitor for even suggesting it. 

So it was a bit of a surprise when he turned to face the mirror and said, ‘That might work’. 

James felt his jaw drop, ‘Are you serious?’ 

‘Always, yeah’ Sirius deadpanned, and James shot him an unimpressed look. 

‘If you tell her about Prongs, then you’re proving you’re serious about her’ Remus said. 

‘And I don’t think she’ll tell anyone’ Sirius added, ‘Even if it’s too much for her, and it all goes tits up between the two of you, I don’t think she’d report us’. 

‘That’s one hell of a gamble’ James said slowly. 

‘You disagree?’ Remus asked, eyebrows raised, ‘You’re in love with the girl- you said so in your letter’. 

James was quiet for a minute, ‘But what if I tell her and it does ruin everything?’ 

Sirius snorted, ‘Everything is already ruined mate, you might as well go all in’. 

***

Lily was doing just fine at being fun. 

It had been a week, and while the new Head Boy and Girl hadn’t had sex again, they were obviously entering uncharted land in terms of their relationship. He hadn’t made a move, but she hadn’t either- not confident enough in where their relationship stood now. 

Lessons would start again in less than a week and Lily found herself almost craving it- she needed other people around before she went mad. She still hadn’t told anyone about her and James, but she was realising that she had friends now that she could talk to, and they would probably be more than willing to help her puzzle out her James problem. 

She started writing, and then threw away, four letters to Cynthia, two to Mary and six to Dorcas. 

How does one explain in writing that they’ve fallen head over heels in love with one of their best friends, after having spent years hating them, and somehow entered a friends-with-benefits type situation with them when she actually wanted to be a proper couple now? 

She had a feeling it was a conversation that would require whiskey. 

She'd just discarded the seventh attempt at a letter to Dorcas when there was a knock at her bedroom door. 

'Lil?' James asked through the door, 'I wondered if you wanted to go for a walk?' 

'Sounds perfect' She called, corking her inkwell and tidying her things away before going to open the door. 

She pulled her hair up into a bun as she stepped over the threshold. 

'It's boiling out' she said, frowning at the blanket he was carrying, 'You can't seriously think you're going to be cold?' 

'It's to sit on, Lil' he said, rolling his eyes, 'I'm fully aware it's August'. 

They walked through the castle, talking about nothing of importance. Lily asked if he’d managed to kill his plant yet, and he puffed is chest out with pride as he told her that it was very much alive and actually growing flowers. Lily found herself wondering if she should reach over and hold his hand. 

Would that be weird? 

Were they at hand-holding? 

She figured they probably should be. Considering they'd seen each other naked. 

This is why she needed to talk to someone, Cynthia would know what to do in this situation. 

They left the castle and started to walk towards the forest, and Lily paused when she realised he was actually leading her under the trees. 

'James?' She asked, 'Are you sure we should-?' 

He smiled back at her, reaching out to take her hand and towing her deeper into the forest, 'I promise it's fine Lil' he said. 

She stared dumbly at their joined hands, and let herself be led. 

Apparently, they _were_ at hand-holding, that was good to know. 

They walked in silence for a while, picking their way over tree roots and avoiding rabbit holes. 

Under the shelter of the trees, it was a bit cooler, her skin prickling with goosebumps. 

'Where are we going?' she asked eventually, 'Do you even know, or are you making this up as you go along?' 

'Thanks for the faith in me' he said dryly, 'Yes I know where we're going'. 

She decided not to ask any more questions, and a few minutes later, they stepped into a clearing, the sort of clearing she wouldn't have believed you could find in the middle of the forbidden forest. 

A gap in the trees left the forest floor bare- the gnarled roots that covered the ground everywhere else were missing here. Instead, soft grass stretched from one side of the clearing to the other, right up to the edge of a small pond. 

‘Ta da’ James said sardonically, gesturing around them, ‘I told you I knew where we were going’. 

Lily didn’t answer, rotating in slow circles, drinking in the view. 

‘Is this wizard made?’ she asked, admiring the bubbling pond and the great purple fish that were swimming just below the surface, ‘This can’t have grown naturally’. 

James ran a hand through his hair, ‘It’s a bit of both’ he admitted, ‘There was a natural clearing between trees here, but when we found it in third year we thought it would make a hideout if we ever needed it’. 

Lily slipped her shoes off and wiggled her toes in the lush grass- it felt velvety between her toes and she longed to go and dip her feet in the crystal water. 

‘I wouldn’t if I were you’ James said, seeming to read her mind, ‘Pete was in charge of stocking the pond and I think he took some advice from Hagrid. I’m not sure what’s In there, but it’s not worth the risk’. 

She snorted as he spread the blanket out on the ground, producing a miniature bottle of butterbeer from a pocket and tapping it until it was normal size again. 

‘So what made you decide to bring me to your hideout?’ she asked, dropping down on the blanket next to him and accepting a glass of butterbeer, ‘You’ve kept it a secret for a long time’. 

‘That’s sort of why’ James began awkwardly, ‘Because I’ve been keeping a secret from you and I thought it was time to tell you’. 

Lily wrinkled her nose, ‘It’s just a clearing in the forest James, it’s not exactly ground-breaking’. 

‘I’m not talking about the clearing’ he said, ‘I have another secret, I just wanted to bring you here to tell you’. 

She narrowed her eyes suspiciously, ‘If you brought me here to kill me you should know I could definitely take you in a duel’. 

‘I don’t doubt it’ he said solemnly, the corner of his mouth twitching. 

‘Why are we here?’ she asked softly, noticing now how his hands were trembling slightly. 

‘I think-‘ he began, and then cleared his throat, ‘I think it’s going to be best if I just show you’. 

Her heart was beating a little faster now, her mind racing through all the possibilities of what he could possibly be about to show her. 

In all the scenarios she would ever have thought of, if she’d had an hour to think about it, she never would have imagined him turning into a stag in front of her eyes. 

She was pretty proud that she didn’t scream- but she definitely did scoot backwards rapidly when one minute James was smiling nervously, and the next a giant stag was sitting in his place. 

She opened and shut her mouth a few times, trying to find a good way to react, when James turned back into his regular self with a concerned expression. 

‘Lil-?’ he asked hesitantly, ‘I know this is a surprise- and I don’t blame you if you’re angry-‘ 

‘You’re an Animagus?’ she asked, finding her words at last, ‘You’re seventeen and you’re an Animagus?’ 

He blinked, ‘Yeah’. 

‘That’s-‘ she began, and he looked like he was bracing himself, ‘Incredible!’ 

He did a double take, ‘Really?’ 

‘Of course really!’ she said incredulously, ‘I mean it’s so dangerous and I assume you’re not registered because you have to be 21 and _Merlin_ you’d be in so much trouble if anyone found out but you’ve managed to do something by seventeen that most wizards couldn’t dream of doing in their whole lifetime!’ 

She said all of this in one breath. When she finished, she realised James was looking at her with a dumbfounded expression. 

‘I really thought you’d be angry’ he admitted. 

‘Why?’ she said, ‘It’s already done, and I’m not going to tell anyone’. 

He smiled, ‘Remus and Sirius were sure you wouldn’t tell, even if you were angry’. 

Her eyes widened slightly, ‘Are they animagi too?’ 

‘Sirius is’ he told her, ‘And Peter’. 

‘Not Remus?’ 

‘Werewolves can’t become animagi’ James said with a sad smile, ‘We did it so we could be with him when he transforms’. 

‘Because werewolves won’t attack animals’ she said slowly, ‘You did all this for him?’ 

‘It took us a while, but yeah’ he said, his chest puffing out a little with pride. 

Lily felt goosebumps trickle down her spine, a warm feeling spreading from her stomach as she fully thought about what he had risked for his friend, and, almost simultaneously, what he was risking by telling her. 

This single secret could ruin all the Marauders. If anyone ever found out about this then they would all go to Azkaban- it wasn’t just a petty school rule, it was one of the strictest wizarding laws. 

‘What kind of animal do you all turn in to?’ she asked, scooting closer to him again. 

‘Well I’m a stag’ he said, inclining his head, ‘Pete’s a rat, and Sirius is a dog’. 

She thought for a second, ‘I’m not surprised by any of those’. 

He grinned, ‘We weren’t either’ 

‘When did you manage it?’ 

‘Just after my parents died’ he said, ‘Running around the forest as a stag really helped when I was grieving’. 

She smiled wryly, ‘If only that were an option for all of us’. 

‘You ever thought about it?’ 

She shook her head forcefully, ‘I’d never manage it- you have to be seriously skilled in transfiguration’. 

James shrugged, ‘Pete managed it, and he’s not the best- I’m sure you’d do it’. 

‘Nah’ she said after a pause, ‘Too much could go wrong, and I’d probably end up as a weasel or something’. 

‘Can’t be any worse than being a rat’ James sniggered. 

Lily made a face, ‘Poor Peter- I bet you guys were horrid about it’. 

‘It’s actually really handy’ he said, ‘Having someone who transforms into something so small- how did you think the map was so detailed?’ 

She grinned, ‘He scouts the castle out as a rat and then draws it? That’s genius!’ 

‘Don’t let him hear you say that’ James warned, ‘You’ll inflate his ego and I think Cynthia does that plenty’. 

They were silent for a moment before Lily decided she had to ask. 

‘Why did you tell me?’ 

‘I don’t want to keep secrets from you’ he said simply, ‘You’re important to me’ 

She barely dared to hope that this was going where she hoped it was. 

‘You’re important to me too’ she said carefully, gauging his reaction. 

He smiled, but it seemed forced, ‘I don’t-‘ he started, tugging a hand through his hair, ‘I don’t think you understand how important you are to me’. 

She wasn’t sure how to answer. 

‘Lil- I… Lily I love you’ he said firmly, ‘And I don’t know if you feel the same for me, but I can’t pretend that you’re anything but the most important part of my life’. 

She was speechless again. 

Twice in one afternoon, it might be a record. 

‘I didn’t know how to make you believe me’ he said, ‘But Remus thought that showing you our greatest secret might do it’. 

‘I love you too’ 

He looked up at her so quickly that his glasses slipped off the end of his nose, ‘What?’ 

She swallowed heavily, trying to bring her confidence back, ‘I love you too’ she whispered, ‘Pretty sure I have done since New Years’. 

A slow smile spread across his face and butterflies erupted in her stomach. 

‘You love me?’ he asked, a slightly dazed expression on his face.

She bit her lip to repress a smile, ‘Yeah’. 

He practically pounced in the next second, kissing her so fiercely that they toppled backwards to the ground, laughing against each other breathlessly. 

‘Did you really think-‘ she started, ‘That I didn’t?’ 

He was nipping down her throat, pausing long enough to say ‘I wasn’t sure’ before going right back to work. 

‘You’re stupider than you look Potter’ she laughed, pulling him up so she could look in his eyes, ‘Everyone else has been able to tell how stupid I am about you for months’. 

He quirked his lips into a smile, ‘You’re not the only one- Remus has accused me of pining’. 

‘Pining?’ she asked, aghast, ‘Not brooding? That would be much more manly’. 

He snorted a laugh, ‘That’s what I said!’

James smiled down at her, and she felt so small and safe in his arms that for a moment she could forget about everything happening outside of this clearing. He leant forwards and dropped several tender kisses to her lips, smiling between each one. 

‘If I knew telling you about Prongs was the way to your heart I’d have done it months ago’ he muttered, and she was confused for a moment. 

‘Prongs-?’ she asked, before sudden clarity dawned on her, ‘The nicknames you call each other when you think no one can hear you!’ 

He looked scandalised for a moment, ‘We’re always careful-‘ 

‘Not when you’re drunk you’re not’ she laughed, ‘We spent ages after New Year trying to work out where you came up with the names… We concluded it was just another weird Marauder quirk and we forgot about it’. 

His eyes had grown slightly wide as she spoke, ‘We’re idiots’ he said faintly, ‘It’s a wonder Dorcas is the only one to have figured it out so far’ 

Lily gasped, smacking him on the shoulder until he fell backwards and she flipped over until she was in his lap- ‘Dorcas knows?!’ 

He grimaced apologetically, ‘We never meant to tell her, but she’s really sodding smart’. 

‘That’s why she always seems to in on all your little jokes’ she said, trying not to sound wounded. 

‘But you’re the first person we’ve properly told’ he said quickly, ‘We haven’t even let Peter tell Cynthia yet’. 

‘Why not?’ 

James looked uncomfortable, ‘We don’t think she would tell anyone deliberately, but we’re not sure she could keep the secret if someone were to ask her, like Mary’. 

Lily frowned thoughtfully, ‘I think that would have been true a few months ago- but she’s grown up a lot this year. Her and Peter have been together for years now- maybe it’s time to reconsider?’

‘We’ll talk about it when term starts again’ he promised, ‘I know it would make Peter happy’. 

They lapsed into silence, and Lily was hyper aware that she was still sat in his lap. He was smiling up at her, his hands resting on her hips while his thumb traced circles into her side. 

Suddenly, he snorted to himself, and she looked at him suspiciously, ‘What?’ 

‘Well,’ he sniggered, ‘We’ve done this totally backwards, but Lily Evans- will you go out with me?’ 

She threw her head back and laughed, nodding. 

***

He knew that once school started again things would change. Remus and Sirius would be chomping at the bit to find out how his talk with Lily went, but for now, he was jealously guarding their relationship, not ready for the world to know. 

For the last four days of the holiday, he woke every morning with her in his arms, usually being pawed by Hades who wanted his breakfast. 

They were relaxed, properly relaxed, for the first time in weeks. 

Their homework was finished, their feelings were out in the open, and they knew that they had one more year to be normal students before having to fight. 

The night before the rest of the school returned James grimaced as he suddenly remembered something. 

'I didn't tell them' he said suddenly, and Lily looked up from her book in confusion. 

'Didn't tell who what?' 

'The boys' he said awkwardly, 'I didn't tell them about becoming head boy'. 

'Oh' she said, shutting the book with a snap, 'What do you think they'll say?' 

He thought for a moment, 'Remus will be pleased, Peter won't care, and Sirius will act like it's the betrayal of the century'. 

She nodded, 'Okay, well we don't have to worry about Remus or Peter then'. 

'Just Sirius' he sighed. 

'Why will it be such a big deal to him?'

James shrugged, 'He doesn't like things changing' 

'That's stupid' she replied bluntly. 

'Maybe' he admitted, 'but you should have seen how he reacted when Remus was made prefect, he sulked for days'. 

'I think you'll be surprised' she said slowly, 'I think he's changed a lot himself lately'. 

It turned out, they were both wrong. 

'HEAD BOY?' Sirius shrieked when they met their friends in the Great Hall the next evening, 'Has Dumbledore gone off his rocker? You? Head boy?' and then he lapsed into slightly hysterical laughter. 

'Congratulations' Remus said, looking at them both, 'You both deserve it'. 

Dorcas was snickering with Sirius, the shiny Quidditch captain badge pinned to her robes, 'Oh Potter if your mother could see you now'. 

He elbowed her in the ribs, dragging them into a seat away from the younger students on the long table. 'She'd be proud' he said with dignity, 'Surprised, but proud'. 

Sirius snorted, 'She'd be worried you've been Impurised'. 

James scowled at him. 

'You're going to be great' Peter said comfortingly, 'Ignore them'. 

'He's right' Cynthia chipped in, giving him a comforting pat on the shoulder, 'You're the perfect person to be head boy'. 

He shifted in his seat, uncomfortable now, 'I wouldn't go that far'. 

Lily nudged his shin under the table and shot him an encouraging smile. 

They’d agreed not to tell anyone they were together yet. It still felt too soon, their classmates were all still grieving, and they weren’t willing to put themselves in the spotlight yet. 

Plus Sirius would probably be a dick about it. 

‘Can we see your new common room after dinner?’ Mary asked Lily, and Sirius dropped his goblet of water. 

‘New common room?’ he asked, looking between Lily and James so quickly it probably hurt, ‘You get your own _common room_?!’ 

‘Yep’ Lily said cheerfully, ‘The Head Dorms are on the fourth floor’. 

Sirius was looking scandalised, ‘Why isn’t this public knowledge?’ 

‘This is why’ Remus muttered, and Sirius ignored him. 

‘It’s completely unfair!’ he ploughed on, ‘Why doesn’t anyone else get the opportunity to get their own common room? Why-’ 

Luckily, his rant was cut off abruptly by McGonagall leading the new first years into the hall. James noticed that there were a lot less of them than normal. 

This didn’t go unnoticed by Lily either, who shot him a significant glance across the table. 

Parents were too scared to send their children to Hogwarts any more.

After the sorting, and the feast, Lily instructed the prefects to take the new Gryffindors up to the tower, while they slipped away to their new dorm, accompanied by their friends. 

When they opened the tapestry and filed into the common room, there was a moment of silence before; 

‘You jammy gits!’ Peter cried, looking around in awe. 

‘This is not fair-’ Sirius started.

‘If I’d known I might have studied harder-’ Mary added.

Lily stood behind the sofa, giggling at their friend's jealousy. James looked over at her and his stomach swooped, looking away quickly before Remus accused him of pining again. 

‘You’ve been living here all summer?’ Dorcas asked, flopping down ungracefully on the sofa, ‘Lucky. I was holed up with this one’ she said, jerking her thumb towards Sirius, who gasped as if mortally wounded. 

‘This one?’ he repeated, ‘See if I extend my hospitality to you again Meadowes, with attitude like that’. 

She stuck her tongue out at him and he dropped down next to her on the sofa. 

Cynthia and Peter were curled up in the same armchair, while Remus was browsing the books on the back bookshelves. Mary was looking at the view from their windows, and Lily was unlacing her doc martens. 

Then there was a knock at the door. 

Lily and James frowned at each other, and the rest of them were glancing around the room as if trying to work out if they were missing someone. 

James waved his wand towards the door, and it swung open, revealing Dumbledore, looking as composed and calm as he always did. 

‘I thought I might find you all in here’ he said, his twinkling eyes looking around at them all as he stepped over the threshold. 

‘Professor’ James greeted respectfully, ‘What can we do for you?’ 

‘I was actually looking for Miss McKinnon’ he said, and Cynthia started struggle off of Peter’s lap. 

‘What is it?’ she asked, slightly frantically, ‘Is it Marlene?’ 

Dumbledore held out a placating hand, ‘As a matter of fact it is’ he said soothingly, ‘She’s been found just outside of Birmingham. She’s alive’. 

Cynthia slumped in relief, and they all began to pepper him with questions. 

‘What do you mean, “found?”’ 

‘Alive? Is she hurt?’ 

‘What’s happened to her?’ 

‘She’s been gone for months-’ 

Dumbledore raised his hands and they all fell silent. 

‘It appears she’s been under the imperius curse for some time’ he began, ‘But being that she is such a powerful witch, she managed to shake it off, and escape. She is unharmed, but she is very disorientated. At first she thought it was still May’. 

‘Can I see her?’ Cynthia asked, ‘Is she at St Mungo's?’ 

‘She’s currently being treated at the Order’s headquarters’ she told her, ‘We didn’t think it would be safe for her to be treated in the public hospital’. 

‘So can I see her?’ Cynthia repeated. 

Dumbledore actually looked a bit uncomfortable, and James didn’t find that comforting. 

‘Seeing as you are not a member of the Order-’ he said, ‘I’m afraid you can’t enter headquarters. I hope you understand’. 

Cynthia looked like she absolutely didn’t understand and was opening her mouth to argue when Lily cut her off. 

‘She can write though?’ Lily said, glancing over at Cynthia, ‘She can write to let Cynthia know she’s alright?’ 

Dumbledore inclined his head in agreement, ‘As soon as she is able I’ll have her write to you’ he promised. 

Cynthia looked like she was going to argue, but snapped her mouth shut and nodded once. 

‘Now’ Dumbledore said, looking at them all over the rim of his glasses, ‘Shouldn’t you all be off to bed?’ 

They all cringed, glancing at the clock above the fireplace; it was well after curfew. 

It was so easy to forget that they were still students, that they still had to obey school rules and listen to teachers when they knew they’d be fighting alongside them in a few months. 

‘Yes Professor’ Remus said, pulling Sirius and Dorcas to their feet, ‘Sorry, we didn’t realise how late it was’. 

‘Start of term excitement, I completely understand’ Dumbledore said with a smile, ‘But I would recommend avoiding the east side of the fifth floor on your way to bed, Argus is in a particularly bad mood this evening’. 

They slipped from the common room in pairs, until James and Lily were left alone at last, neither of them sure what to do now. 

‘I know school has started-’ he began, ‘And we agreed to keep it quiet for now… But would you like to sleep in my bed?’ he asked in a rush. 

She smiled slowly and he flushed, ‘Just sleep!’ he hastened to add, ‘Unless you want-’ 

‘Shut up James’ she advised him, taking his hand and leading them towards his bedroom. 

He decided shutting up was probably the best course of action. 

***

The first week of term was a blur- a hectic, stressful, sad blur. 

Charms wasn’t the same without Sarah sat next to her, and the empty seats where the two seventh year Hufflepuffs should have sat in the prefect meeting looked sad and cold. 

They hadn’t been replaced, it felt disrespectful somehow. 

So James and Lily plugged holes in the prefect schedule, which meant that between those, Quidditch practice and classes, they barely saw each other at all. 

In wordless agreement, they started slipping into bed next to each other every night- even if they’d barely spoken all day. 

Sometimes James would get back muddy and soaked through from Quidditch practice and she’d wrinkle her nose and make him shower before allowing him in her bed. Sometimes he’d already be fast asleep by the time she finished studying and slipped into his bed beside him. 

It was a strange comfort, and not one either of them were used to. James had never dated anyone seriously enough for overnight stays, and while Lily had dated David from the village over the summer before her mother died, it had often been too hot and sticky for sleeping together to be any kind of enjoyable. 

Some night they lay in the darkness, curled around each other, talking about anything and everything that sprung into their heads.

She told him about growing up as a muggle, about the accidental magic she used to do before knowing what it was. 

He told her about playing Quidditch with his friends on brooms that hovered barely a foot off the ground and hiding under tables at his parents’ fancy dinner parties. 

By the time the weekend rolled around Lily was ready to stay in bed and sleep for the whole of Saturday. James, however, had different ideas. 

She was awoken rudely by him shaking the bed, yelling ‘Good morning sleepyhead!’ at eight o’clock. 

‘James it’s the middle of the night’. 

He snorted, bouncing up and down on the bed while she tried to tug the pillow over her eyes, ‘It’s later than you’d get up on a school day’ he pointed out, prodding her in the side. 

‘Barely!’ she exclaimed, rolling away to avoid being pinched. 

'Lilyyyy' James said beseechingly, 'We have to start planning Peter's birthday!' 

She groaned. 

'That's not until the end of the month' she grumbled, 'And it's only his eighteenth'. 

James made a scandalised noise, and she was sure if she raised her head enough to look at him, he would look properly horrified also. 

'Only his eighteenth?' he repeated, 'No birthday is only anything!'

He began pinching her again with a renewed vigour, and she rolled away from him quickly, right off the side of the bed, with a soft 'oof' of surprise. 

He looked down at her for a full ten seconds, before bursting out laughing. 

'Well you're basically up now' he told the disgruntled pile of blankets on the floor, 'come on, I brought you coffee' 

'Coffee?' Lily asked, sticking her head out of the blankets. 

He nodded solemnly, 'A whole pot of it'. 

'Next time' she said, struggling to her feet, 'Lead with that'. 

He saluted and followed her out of her bedroom and down to the common room. 

Planning Peter's birthday was nothing like Lily would have imagined. 

She thought that most Marauder birthdays would be like hers had been, namely alcohol-fuelled and thrown together at the last minute.

But it transpired they had _traditions_. 

First, there was the birthday crown, obviously. 

The birthday boy would be awoken in some horrible manner, a bucket of ice water, firecrackers under their pillow, Sirius transforming into a dog on them etc... And then the crown would be forced on their head, and the day could begin. 

Breakfast was not chosen by the birthday boy, but in fact, forced upon him. Usually some kind of nauseating concoction of different jams stacked on enough toast to make you sick, in some strange mimicry of a birthday cake. 

If it was a day of lessons, then the Marauders would ensure that every class sang happy birthday before they started. Except for Transfiguration, where they decided it wasn't worth their life. 

This was just the start. There were traditions for what to wear and what to do all day. They didn't seem to get each other actual gifts, but rather pranks, which they would carry out throughout the day. 

By the time James finished outlining all of this to Lily, she was utterly horrified about what they might have in store for her next birthday. 

Especially if they all knew she was dating James by then, which she hoped they would. 

'Does he really want all this?' she asked, 'Is Cynthia in on it?' 

James snorted, 'Cynthia would get mad at us if we stopped- she thinks it's hilarious'. 

For the next two weeks the Marauders and Cynthia, Dorcas and Mary would sneak into the Head dorms, each taking on a task for Peter's birthday. They schemed in secret, and by the time the 29th rolled around, Peter had absolutely no idea what was in store for him. 

Poor bloke. 

Lily decided she didn't want any part in the pranking element of his birthday, and instead took charge of the drinking element. That was something she knew how to do. 

They were going to have a party in their dorm on his birthday, and Lily was determined to make it as memorable as hers had been. 

Or, _not_ memorable. As the case was. 

She never _did_ get her shoes back. 

The day of the party dawned sunny and warm, and by the time Lily woke up, James had already left to wake Pete in whatever horrible way they'd decided on. 

Lily took her time getting ready in the morning, wanting to look nice for the party, but knowing she wouldn't have much time later on. 

Peter was wrestled into the Great Hall an hour later, his hair dyed bright green and the birthday crown charmed to his head, Cynthia cackling at him as she followed him into the hall. 

'Are you not all getting a bit old for this?' a voice said behind Lily, and she jumped. 

McGonagall was standing behind her, watching the Marauders pile into the hall, the corners of her mouth twitching. 

'Probably' Lily conceded, 'But isn't that all the more reason to keep doing it?' 

McGonagall smiled at her, 'You two were practically made for each other' she said, and swept off towards the staff table, leaving Lily bewildered in her wake. 

A moment later, Peter was forcibly placed in the seat opposite her and presented with his traditional birthday cake toast tower, which this year had six different jams and sprinkles. 

The day only got more ridiculous from there. 

The teachers just seemed to accept that the Marauders were going to be impossible to tame all day- and they watched on with a sort of sad fondness. 

It was the beginning of the end, Lily supposed. The last first birthday of the year. 

She found herself alone with James after lessons ended, as they needed to tally the first day of point deductions before the party. 

They sorted through the paperwork the prefects had submitted for a moment, and eventually Lily asked, 'What do you think we'll be doing this time next year?'. 

James looked up from the sheet of parchment he was studying in surprise, 'You mean for Pete's birthday?'. 

'I mean for all our birthdays' she said, 'Are we all going to see each other still when we're all living scattered around the country?' 

'I don't know how scattered we'll be' he pointed out, 'We'll all be in the Order'. 

'Not all of us' she said, 'Do you think we'll ever see Peter and Cynthia again?'. 

'They can't get rid of us that easily' he assured her, 'We'll still all get together for birthdays'. 

'You sound sure' she said sadly. 

'I am sure!' he dropped the parchment and took her hand across the desk, 'No matter what is going on with the war and the Order, we'll still all stick together'. 

She smiled sadly, not sure she believed him. 

He raised an eyebrow, 'Were you planning on ditching us as soon as we left school?' 

'Of course not!' she scowled, 'Exactly the opposite. I feel like I've only just become friends with everyone and in a year it might all be over'. 

He squeezed her hand, 'Sorry Lil, but getting out of this castle won't change anything. You're stuck with us'. 

They finished up their work quickly after that, keen to get to the party. 

For as long as she lived, Lily would never quite understand how the rest of the night ended the way it did. 

She woke up slowly the next morning, with the very clear feeling that she was not where she was supposed to be. 

This was definitely not her bed, and the heavy weight draped over her was definitely not her blanket. 

'James?' she croaked, cracking an eye open. 

'Humpf' came the disgruntled reply. 

They were fast asleep on the floor of the common room, and she blinked slowly, trying to stop the room from spinning. 

'James' she said more insistently now, 'What time is it?' 

The arm that was draped over her gave a slight twitch, and she looked down at the watch still on his wrist. 

'James!' she repeated a third time, trying to jump to her feet, the world tilting alarmingly as she did, 'Transfiguration starts in ten minutes!'. 

This seemed to liven him up a bit- his eyes snapped open, and he hauled himself to his feet, looking as bad as Lily felt. 

'What. The. Hell' he bit out, his hands running through his hair, 'Where is everyone else?' 

Lily frowned and went to open her bedroom door. 

Sure enough, Mary and Dorcas were fast asleep on her bed. 

'Oi!' she cried, 'Transfiguration- ten minutes!' 

Dorcas flapped her hands in Lily direction in a distressed manner, and Mary rolled right off the side of the bed, taking the duvet with her. 

Behind her, Lily heard James open his own bedroom door. She wasn't sure how he decided to wake Remus and Sirius up, but there was a lot of swearing. 

'Where are Peter and Cynthia?' Dorcas asked, tugging her hair into a ponytail and casting cleaning charms over her clothes. 

'They went back to the Gryffindor dorms I think' Mary said, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking like she might be sick. 

Lily was feeling a bit the same way. 

'Where's your hangover potion?' Dorcas asked Lily, pulling her shoes on. 

She frowned, 'I don't have any- I thought Mary did'. 

'We used the last of mine, remember?' Mary said, 'I couldn't afford any more'. 

Lily paled, 'Please tell me someone has hangover potion' she said, at the exact same time someone else said it behind her. 

She turned and saw Sirius looking wide-eyed and pathetic in the common room. 

'Hangover potion?' he repeated hopefully.

Lily shook her head, before stopping because it made it hurt more. 

Remus came out of James' room next, James trailing miserably after him. 

'Please tell me-' Remus began. 

'None of us has hangover potion' Dorcas said shortly. 

'Shite' 

'Yeah pretty much' Lily said, resting her head against the door frame. 

Somehow, miraculously, they made it to Transfiguration on time. 

They made sure to sit away from each other, hoping that by spreading out it wouldn't be so obvious that they were all suffering. 

Mary had to leave once to be sick, but other than that, it was a success. 

They had a free period after Transfiguration, and they all retreated back to their dorms to shower, change and find painkiller potion. James went with the boys back to the Gryffindor dorm to check whether Peter was alive or not. Since he didn't take Transfiguration, they couldn't be sure. 

Lily was halfway through washing her hair when she remembered she had prefect rounds that evening and whimpered. 

There was no way she could do rounds in this state. They'd all drunk even more than they had at her birthday- 

Her birthday presents! 

She dashed out of the shower, opened her trunk and dug through the paper at the bottom until she found her birthday card, the enchanted lion still prowling lazily across the front as the charm wore off. 

Inside were her birthday promises from all of the boys. Peters, she'd used last term when she'd been having an intense study day, James' was ongoing, Sirius' was terrifying, but it was Remus' she wanted. 

_I hereby promise to take over one of Lily's prefect rounds on a day she is otherwise unavailable_

She grinned. He was going to hate her for this. 

Twenty minutes later she presented him with the scrap of parchment with a flourish outside Charms, and he stared at her in horror. 

'You wouldn't-' he began, and she smiled wider. 

'I am not doing rounds this hungover' she whispered fervently, looking around to make sure no one else could hear them, 'Not a chance'. 

He opened his mouth as if to argue, looked down at the parchment, rubbed his hand across his forehead and sighed, 'Fine'. 

'You are the best' she beamed at him, and he grunted. 

The door to the class swung open and they all shuffled inside, Remus scowling at her. 

When the bell rang at the end of the day, Lily didn't bother going to dinner, just dragged herself straight to the dorm with the intention of getting a nice long sleep. She was just heading towards her bedroom, when she changed her mind, walking into James' instead. He would finish Quidditch practice and find her there, and the thought gave her butterflies. 

When she entered his room, however, her eyes were drawn straight to the very dead plant on the ground, and her plan for a nap flew straight out of the window. 

_She’d killed the plant_. 

She remembered suddenly, after all her teasing about how he would definitely kill it within a month, she'd killed his plant. 

She'd been giggling with Sirius the night before in James' room, while everyone else was in the common room. She'd been gesturing with her arm and it had just fallen- the pot shattering and the magical roots wilting as soon as they were exposed to air. 

She rushed over to pick it up, but it wilted even more as she touched it, and she began to panic. 

They'd tried to fix it while they were drunk, she suddenly remembered, but the charm had missed the pot and hit the plant, and then they'd laughed and laughed and... left it there, apparently, leaving Lily in the predicament she was in now. 

There was only one thing for it- she'd have to hide the evidence. 

She scrambled over to James' trunk, reaching in and pulling out the green towel she knew he kept his enchanted mirror wrapped in. 'Sirius!' she yelled into it, and he appeared almost at once. 

'What the hell Evans?' he demanded, 'I'm trying to get some sleep!' 

'I'm invoking my birthday promise' she said seriously, and he squinted at her suspiciously. 

'I'll be there in two minutes' and then the mirror went blank. 

She was still sat in the exact same position when she heard the door open a few moments later. 

'Evans?' 

'In here' she called. 

Sirius appeared in the doorway, and he looked between her and the plant for a moment, before saying 'Bollocks'. 

She nodded, 'We killed it'. 

'He's been really proud that he kept that thing alive' Sirius said, rubbing his jaw, 'We are bad friends'. 

'The worst' she agreed. 

'So we're hiding it and denying everything?' 

'Absolutely' she said, flinging the towel at him. 

'You know, I'm really glad this is the dead thing you wanted me to help hide' he said conversationally, as he wrapped the plant up. 

'You thought it might be something else?' she snorted, mopping up soil and water. 

'Thought you might have finally done James in'. 

'And you came anyway?' she said drolly, 'How sweet'. 

'I keep my promises Evans' he said sternly, 'Even if a mad redhead had offed my best mate'. 

She laughed, pulling out her wand to clean up any trace of broken pottery. 

'I'm going to dispose of the body' he said seriously, 'I won't tell you how'. 

'Probably best not' she agreed, 'I'll replicate my plant, put the original in here and keep the fake. He'll never know'. 

'Luckily he's not the most observant bloke when you're around' Sirius said in an offhand sort of way, 'So as long as you're in the room he'll never notice anything different'. 

She flushed, 'So you're saying I should just hang out in his bedroom forever so he doesn't notice we drunkenly destroyed his plant?' 

Sirius snorted, 'Like you'd need an excuse'. 

She moved to smack his arm, and he dodged it neatly. 

By the time James returned from Quidditch there was a plant on his windowsill, a fake replica on Lily's, and no sign that they'd done anything at all. 

***

Despite everything happening outside the castle, despite the bloodshed and fear and uncertainty they were all living with- James was the happiest he’d been since his parents died. 

Every day he woke up with his girlfriend in his arms and woke her with lazy kisses that often led to something more. They went to breakfast and studied more and more interesting things in their classes, he was respected as Head Boy and he got to play Quidditch daily. 

He was always tired, but for the first time, he thought he’d really found his place at Hogwarts. He knew what he was doing, he was in a routine, and he was happy. 

He had to deal with a lot of mockery from Remus and Sirius about Lily- but they didn’t properly press for details, and they were pretty good about not bringing it up in front of her. 

They’d asked, obviously, about how she’d taken the reveal of their biggest secret- but they’d been placated by his assurances that she was impressed, and wouldn’t tell. 

A marauder meeting was held in the second week of term, and they decided that Peter could tell Cynthia too. 

‘You’re kidding?’ he’d said flatly when they sat him down in the Gryffindor dorms, ‘Three years you’ve said no- why now?’ 

None of them answered for a moment. 

‘You love her’ Sirius said finally, ‘And we’re living in a war- you shouldn’t have to keep it from her anymore’. 

He'd looked suspicious for another moment before his face split into a wide grin. 

'How should I tell her?' 

'Transform right in front of her' Remus said blandly, 'Worked on Lily'. 

James glared at him. 

'You told Lily?!' Peter yelled, 'What did she say?' 

James had a moment to feel grateful that Peter wasn't the sort of person to be annoyed that Lily found out before Cynthia. He had been feeling guilty about it ever since Lily had brought it up in the forest. 

'She thought it was amazing' James admitted, 'You know Lil- she had a million questions'. 

Peter clapped him on the back, 'Good for you man- guess this means you're serious about her then'. 

'Oh he's very serious' Sirius said, 'He got seriously into her knickers' 

'James!' Peter exclaimed, at the same time James yelled 'Sirius!' 

'I don't wanna go shouting about it' James snapped, 'I don't want the whole school knowing and you know what this place is like'. 

'Well we already knew, you couldn't leave Peter out' Remus said fairly. 

'Don't you dare tell Cynthia' James cautioned, turning on the shorter boy, 'I don't think Lily has told her and she should be the one to tell her friend if she wants to'. 

Peter mimed zipping his lips and throwing away the key. 

There was a pause. 

'So what was it like?' 

James threw the nearest book at him, which unfortunately turned out to be one of Remus', so he found himself hoisted in the air by his ankle while Moony yelled 'Throw your own books, you hooligan!'. 

Peter concocted a plan to tell Cynthia and they weren't sure on the details, but one night he borrowed the cloak and the map and didn't get back to the dorm until five o'clock in the morning, grinning to himself- so they assumed it went well. 

By Halloween, they'd decided that Mary should really know too- as all the others did. 

By mid-November- all of the girls knew their secret. Peter and Cynthia were blissfully in love, Mary was dating Reg, one of the prefects from the year below, Sirius, Dorcas and Remus had become a sort of trio of mayhem and competitiveness, and Lily and James were working so hard that they were barely registering the passing of time. 

He started trying to broach the subject of telling everyone they were a couple a few times- but it had become second nature to hide it, to deny accusations and shrug off speculation, that he was almost afraid to rock the boat. 

They were happy- so happy. The thought of everyone knowing made him feel ill sometimes; what if all their friends thought it was a terrible idea? What if it changed everything? What if they became like Peter and Cynthia- not always joining in with the rest of the group because they were coupled up in their common room?

In the end, the decision was made for them. 

'I know you've been waiting for this since the beginning of term' Professor Clifford announced at the beginning of their last defence against the dark arts lesson before Christmas, 'And the day has finally arrived- you'll be attempting the Patronus charm today'. 

There was a lot of excitable muttering from everyone in the room- and James grimaced. He'd tried to cast the charm once when they'd first started studying the theory, and absolutely nothing had happened. 

He wasn't feeling particularly confident. 

Professor Clifford waved his wands and the desks zoomed to the edge of the room, 'Spread out!' he commanded, 'And start practising!' 

They scattered throughout the room, James and Lily gravitating to each other without meaning to. 

The class was soon filled with the sounds of people attempting the spell for themselves- with a varying degree of success. 

Sirius was the first to manage anything more than an indistinct vapour, and no one was at all surprised that the hazy figure looked like a dog. 

'Do you think they'll all take the same form as you animagi?' Lily asked James in a low voice. 

'All the reading I've done says they will' he told her, 'I know McGonagall's is a cat'. 

She waved her wand again, producing a fine white mist that looked pretty, but wouldn't be much use against Dementors. 

'What do you think yours will be?' he asked. 

'I don't know' she said, sounding frustrated, 'It's supposed to take the form from an impression of your soul- but I don't know what my soul looks like'. She flipped her hair, looking cross. 

'Lil it's a difficult charm' he said, 'You'll get it in the end'. 

'Have you tried?' she asked, jerking her chin towards his wand. 

Across the room, applause broke out as Dorcas managed to produce a perfect Patronus lion. 

Lily was shaking her head, a small smile on her face, ‘Of course it’s a lion’. 

‘Expecto Patronum!’ James said, and a cloud of white appeared before him. 

Next to them, Sirius’ dog was gambolling around with a bright white wolf, and both Lily and James scowled. 

Mindless of the people around them, she caught his arm gently in as he turned to try again. 

‘What are you thinking about?’ she asked, ‘When you cast the spell?’ 

He blinked, ‘Flying’

‘Just flying?’ she asked, ‘No specific memory?’ 

He shook his head, ‘Just the feeling of flying’. 

‘Everything I read said it needs to be a specific memory’ she said slowly, ‘A general feeling of happiness won’t do’. 

They sat on one of the desks at the edge of the room, pressed together from hip to knee, and watched their classmates work. 

Most of them were like Lily and James- only able to produce an indistinct vapour. Richard Donne, Sirius, Remus and Dorcas were the exceptions- Dorcas’ lion was chasing Richard’s peacock across the room. 

Lily turned her head away, and James caught a waft of her shampoo. The memory of the day in the clearing came to him so strongly it was almost like he was back there again. The warmth of the sun on the back of his neck and the feel of her lips on his. The way his heart had felt like it was going to beat out of his chest when she told him she loved him. 

Smiling slightly to himself, he raised his wand. 

‘Expecto Patronum!’ 

A crisp, clear stag burst from the end of his wand, cantering across the floor to the dog and the wolf.

His was the clearest Patronus in the room, and Lily gasped, ‘Oh James it’s beautiful!’ 

He grinned, pride filling him. 

He looked down at Lily and saw that she was staring at the stag with a steely sort of determination. 

He opened his mouth to ask what she was thinking of, but she beat him to it- ‘Expecto Patronum!’ she cried. 

James watched, open-mouthed, as a beautiful doe, as clear and crisp as his own patronus trotted over to join the stag. As they watched the two sniffed each other delicately, before stepping close and nuzzling against each other protectively. 

They were both staring, wide-eyed, when the sound of laughter brought them out of the reverie. 

‘Your faces-’ Sirius said, cackling, ‘Are you really surprised?’ 

James glanced at Lily and noticed that she’d blushed bright red, her eyes still fixed on the spot where the stag was now rubbing his scent over the head of the doe, marking her. 

Dorcas, Cynthia and Remus had stopped what they were doing to watch them too, and Professor Clifford cried ‘Oh congratulations you two! See here everyone- perfect Patronuses from our head boy and girl-’ 

The whole class turned to study them intently, while Professor Clifford pointed out the crispness of their patronus; ‘caused by the strength of the memory’ he said, ‘and look at how independent they are of their casters- weak Patronuses need to be given a lot of instruction, not very useful in the middle of an attack-’. 

James was barely listening. 

‘What did you think of?’ he asked Lily in a low voice, while the Professor droned on in the background. 

She bit her bottom lip, not looking at him, ‘The first time you told me you loved me’. 

He grinned, ‘Me too’. 

She looked up at him with a smile so bright his heart stuttered, ‘Really?’. 

‘The way you smiled when I said it’ he said quietly, ‘And the way I felt when you said you loved me too’. 

They didn’t notice that their Patronuses were glowing even brighter now, as they smiled at each other. 

‘I think we’re probably going to have to tell everyone after this’ she whispered conspiratorially, glancing around the room. 

James snorted, ‘I think they’ve probably worked it out now’. 

Sure enough, as soon as the bell went they were both accosted by their friends and shivved directly to their common room. 

They’d decorated for Christmas the day before, so enchanted lights were twinkling merrily in the windows, glinting off the everlasting icicles and tinsel dotted around the room. They were forced onto the sofa, their friends looming over them with ill-concealed grins on their faces. 

‘So!’ Sirius began, clearing his throat dramatically, ‘Anything you two would like to tell us?’ 

James and Lily exchanged a glance. 

‘What do you mean?’ Lily asked innocently, and James had to admit if he didn’t know her as well as he did he might have been fooled. 

‘Matching Patronuses’ Dorcas said drolly, ‘Not just matching, _complimentary_ Patronuses’. 

Lily was smirking, ‘So? We’re clearly just very similar-’ 

Cynthia snorted, ‘Patronuses don’t act like that’ 

‘They play, they protect, and they fight’ Remus added, ‘They don’t _cuddle_ ’. 

‘Even my parent’s Patronuses didn’t cuddle’ Dorcas said. 

James’ parents had. He’d grown up watching a pair of silvery-white swans drift around the house, their necks often entwined. 

He didn’t feel like sharing this though. 

Lily reached over and took his hand. Sirius and Dorcas were grinning so widely they looked a bit mad. 

‘We’ve been together since the summer’ Lily said calmly, but she was gripping his hand tighter than he thought was probably necessary. He squeezed back reassuringly. 

There was a pause. 

‘When, exactly?’ Remus asked. 

‘Er, last week in August’ Lily said, frowning, ‘Why?’

There was a great eruption of noise as all their friends reached into their pockets and withdrew money pouches, counting out coins with an air of annoyance and handing them over to Sirius and Dorcas, who were still beaming. 

‘I can’t believe you two-’

‘You swear there’s no seer blood in your family Meadowes?’ 

‘This is my last fucking galleon as well-’ 

Lily and James watched on, open-mouthed. 

Two minutes later both Sirius and Dorcas were 10 galleons richer and finally turned back to the head boy and girl, clearly ready to interrogate them now. 

‘Why’d you keep it a secret?’ Dorcas asked Lily, ‘You know we’re all happy for you right?’ 

Lily looked down at their hands, ‘It felt too soon-’ she began, her voice cracking slightly, ‘After Sarah and Andrew-’. 

She broke off, looking away from them. 

‘They’d be so happy for you’ Mary said, ‘Both of you- they would want more love in the world, and they’d want you to keep living your life’. 

‘We know’ James said, answering for Lily, who was blinking furiously, ‘But you know what the rumour mill is like in this school. We just didn’t want to take the focus away from mourning until it was time’. 

‘We don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want us to’ Remus pointed out reasonably, ‘You could still be a couple in secret- you just wouldn’t have to hide it from us anymore’. 

Sirius barked a laugh, ‘Even if we don’t tell anyone, people are going to work it out now. The whole class saw your Patronuses’. He collapsed in the armchair closest to the fire, putting his feet up on the coffee table. 

‘Doesn’t take a genius to figure it out from there’ Lily said ruefully, flicking her wand towards Sirius’ feet to knock them off the table. 

‘I’m sorry Lil-’ James said, ‘I know you wanted it to be a secret for a little longer-’ 

‘No’ she interrupted him, ‘I think it’s time everyone knew… I think McGonagall knows already’ she added. 

James stared at her, ‘How in the name of Merlin did she work it out before this lot?’ he jabbed a finger towards their assembled friends. 

She shrugged, ‘Something she said on Peter’s birthday about us being made for each other’. 

‘We’ve known that since third year’ Cynthia said, rolling her eyes from her perch on the windowsill, ‘Remember that charms lesson when you spent the whole hour turning each other different colours behind Flitwick’s back?’ 

James grinned, ‘Your skin was green for _days_ ’ 

Lily jabbed him in the ribs with a bony elbow, ‘I looked like a Christmas decoration- and it was _April_ ’. 

‘But you fell in love with me anyway’ he teased, and she reached out to slap his shoulder.

He caught her hand, sliding an arm around her waist to pull her firmly onto his lap and plant a kiss on her lips and everyone groaned. 

‘Is this was you two are going to be like now?’ Sirius asked dramatically, ‘Because Peter and Cynthia are bad enough’. 

There was a chorus of ‘Oi!’ from the windowsill, where the aforementioned couple were entwined on the same cushion. 

Remus was staring at them with a slight smile on his face, ‘I can’t believe you’re actually a couple’ he said with a note of wonder, ‘For a while there Lil I really did think you hated him’. 

Lily met James’ eye with a smile and he felt like his lungs were constricting with how much he loved this woman. 

‘Nah’ she said softly, ‘I didn’t’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we've reached the end! 
> 
> I can't believe I've actually finished this story- and how long it's ended up being! 
> 
> If you enjoyed it, please do leave a comment or some kudos; I don't really know what to do with myself now my biggest WIP is complete...


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